


violet afire

by ordanary



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Getting Together, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, References to Depression, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-06-05 09:13:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 100,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15167456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ordanary/pseuds/ordanary
Summary: ***NOT AN UNFINISHED WORK, JUST HAS SLOW UPDATES***When Dan Howell catches word of fires being set in the fields near his home, he's not wrong to suspect there are Reds, or those marked as societal threats, behind it. Dan, himself, is a Blue, marked as morally correct. But when Dan keeps accidentally running into a strange, black haired Red on his property, he begins to wonder if maybe the Blues aren't the good guys after all.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello !! If you know me from tumblr, then you probably also know that this is my first chaptered fic that I've posted to Ao3 and I'm super excited to be writing this !! I hope you enjoy :)

Dan startled awake to the sound of a shrill scream reverberating throughout the walls of his small home. 

If it had been ten years prior and he’d still been living with his parents, he would have assumed it was his little brother having a bad dream and he’d merely stand up and lean over the top bunk to lull Aaron back to sleep. 

But Dan was twenty-five and living on his own now, and Aaron wasn’t around to scream anymore. Dan almost wished he was. 

He bolted upright, briefly checking the time on his analog clock before pushing the too warm covers of his bed off of himself and making cautious steps through his bedroom and towards the main living area. 

It was too early for him to be afraid or concerned. Instead, he was just a tad bit annoyed. 

At this sad point in his life he didn’t really care if some deranged psycho killer wanted to chop him up in his sleep or feed him to a pack of starving wolves. He really had nothing to live for, anyway. Sure he had a job, but that was about it. And what’s living for a measly barista gig when you could simply not be alive at all? 

A prospect to ponder another time, Dan thought. 

Still on the wary look out for serial killers, Dan tiptoed into the entrance of his small lounge. At a quick glance he didn’t see anyone, and that was enough for him. He gave up on his attempt to be quiet and instead proceeded normally through the rest of his quaint home, noticing nothing out of the ordinary. 

Alright, Dan thought. Not dying today, it seemed. 

Checking the time once again, he realized he had more than an hour left before he had to recruit back to Cate’s Coffee Shop. 

He made his way into the small kitchen, deciding not to bother with coffee –he could just get some at work– before entering his washroom and brushing his teeth. 

After rubbing the sleep from his eyes and getting dressed in his work uniform, Dan stood skeptically in front of the bathroom mirror. He didn’t have many complaints at all when it came to his regular appearance. He liked his short, curly hair, his tall and lanky body, his freckled skin. The only thing he didn’t like, however, was the electric blue tattoo that spiraled up the length of his right arm, taunting him with the knowledge that as much as it represented the truth, it was a lie. 

You see, Dan Howell would never in a million years admit it, but he would much rather be branded with red. In fact, he’d been rooting for it. 

When Dan had turned sixteen and upon regulatory government request, he’d attended an exam day of sorts at the city’s research building. He, along with dozens of other teenagers, was sent individually into a private room where he was meant to answer questions. Questions that would reveal his true personality. The things he wanted to do with his life, the quirks and his bluff. 

Dan still remembered some of the questions.

What’s your favourite colour? _Grey _. Who do you idolize? _My mum _. Do you like to paint? _No _. Do you think you’ll be branded as Red, or Blue? _Red _.________

They were questions that were to aid in the determination of the necessity of the Red Dot. 

The Red Dot was what one might refer to as a quirk you may or may not know you possess. Before you turn sixteen, at least. The full colour of your sleeve was a representation of good or evil, right or wrong, safe bet or societal risk. The dot, however, was just the telling of who you wished to be. It told the world but a sliver of the inner workings of one’s head. Not who they were, but who they thought they might be. 

Dan had left that first room with the reassurance that at the very least, he’d be leaving with the bottle cap sized Red Dot on his upper arm. 

In the main testing room, he’d been hooked up to a shifty looking machine by what appeared to be dozens of yellow and white wires, all too long and too tangled for Dan’s miniscule bit of OCD. He’d been stripped of his jacket and shirt before cold hands had placed even colder metal receptors onto his warm flesh, making him shiver and frown with distaste. 

He’d been warned about this part by his mum, who’d tried her very best to prepare her beloved first born son for the unpleasant affair ahead. She’d made sure to tell him of the cold wires, rough hands, and unfriendly faces that would be tending to him on that day, deciding his future and his fate. 

In that room, they’d made him watch a series of videos. Carefully crafted clips of fluffy kittens being euthanized, the homeless being given second chances and new lives, and the last; rebel domination of the new city. His initial reaction was then analyzed and recorded by the machine, and the small team of government researchers in the room gathered a small chip from said machine, taking it with them to another off-limits room. 

Dan had been escorted out by a significantly more cheery lady and into an uncomfortably plain waiting room. The lady had stayed with him for the whole sixty minutes it took to analyze his data, playing games of I Spy with him and humming off-key tunes while working away at her desk. 

When the hour was up, Dan was ushered into the ink room and told to insert his arm into the tattoo machine. He’d done as instructed and waited anxiously for the mindless body artist to finish its rather unwanted work on his body. Luckily, the process had been painless, as they used some new technology to lay the ink onto his skin that Dan didn’t quite understand. 

At the end of that day, he’d recruited home on the city bus as if it were any other boring summer day.  
Only it wasn’t, because Dan’s arm was lathered in a thick, pungent cream and wrapped tightly in the bandages which concealed his truth. He’d ridden all the way home knowing full well that he could’ve peeked at any moment and revealed whether he’d been branded as Red or Blue. But he didn’t. 

So when he’d sat in his family’s living room that night, left hand clawing nervously at his bouncing knee, he’d kept to his theme of silently praying for his right arm to be engulfed in red. Red, red, red. Anything but blue. 

And when the bandages had finally been peeled back to showcase a colour only slightly darker than his little brother’s cold eyes, Dan was the only one upset. 

Still upset and slightly angry at his reflection, particularly on his right side, Dan stepped away from the bathroom mirror and took a moment to compose himself before grabbing his backpack and heading out the door, locking it behind him. 

— 

Upon arriving outside of the café, Dan was met with a curt wave from the owner, Cate, who was currently leaning against the brick wall and blowing cigarette smoke from between her bubblegum pink lips. 

“Morning, Howell,” Cate offered up her usual greeting, head tilted down at she looked up at Dan through over extravagantly long lashes that didn’t seem to match the rest of her face quite right. 

Cate was an eccentric woman in her early fifties who presented herself as if she were at least fifteen years younger. She wore outfits complete with long, flowing skirts, silk scarves, and probably owned more shades of bright pink lipstick than she could count. She carried herself like a supermodel and introduced herself as a businesswoman. She was respectable, lovable, and downright fucking cool. 

Perhaps if Dan’s birth mum wasn’t already so special he’d refer to Cate as his mother, but he knew that either way she’d much rather be referred to as anything but that. 

Cate was the type of person who loved her freedom, for as much as the city would allow it, and resented the idea of ever having to conform to a boring life of marriage, kids, and the inevitable regret that she was sure would come with that life. 

So instead she ran a coffee shop on the outer banks of the city, far away enough from the commotion to not have to deal with ‘horrid city folk’, yet not too far to dissuade customers from making the worthwhile trip. 

Dan waved politely and gave her a tight smile, hoping his tiredness and irritability this morning wasn’t too noticeable. 

“Hello, Cate.” 

“How are you?” she spoke through her rather thick northern accent, flicking the ashes off the end of her cancer stick. Cate didn’t usually bother with small talk. 

Dan knew by his point that he’d already blown his cover somehow, and that the old woman wasn’t buying his okay act, quite frankly. 

He kicked up a small amount of dirt from the dry, spring ground, thankful that it wasn’t so loose as to float up and trigger his dust allergies. He tilted his head up and squinted against the sun to look at his boss. “Just a bit off, I suppose.” 

Cate smiled grimly and dropped her cigarette stub to the the ground, putting it out with the toe of her pleather shoe and rubbing her left hand over the faded blue ink of her tattoo, index finger landing on the red dot and tapping absentmindedly. 

“Well,” she spoke with a glance up in Dan’s direction. “You’d better not let that get in the way of being my best barista, Howell.” 

This is why Dan loved Cate. There were never any forced heartfelt conversations or barrages of “are you okay?” and “do you need some time off work?” with her. She treated him like more of a friend and less of a charity case, like someone who needed to be fixed. 

Dan chuckled lightheartedly and nodded. “See you inside, Boss.” 

Dan pushed through the glass door of Cate’s Coffee Shop and continued through the main floor and back to the homely staff lounge. After dropping off his bag and hanging up his coat, he grabbed a small cardboard box from the corner of the room containing various signs to be placed on the many café tables. Dan was more than often the first of Cate’s employees to arrive at the shop, and sometimes the only one. His other two coworkers, Jenni and Ted, both had other more important jobs and only worked the café for pocket cash. Dan didn’t really have anything else, seeing as he didn’t attend any schooling beyond high school in order to collect a degree to have said other job. 

Besides, with the money he saved from avoiding post secondary schooling and from Aaron’s unused schooling funds, Dan didn’t have much need for a second job. Cate payed him well and knew that he couldn’t quite bring himself to ever leave the café, even if wasn’t already financially set. 

As Dan placed the little signs routinely on the clean tabletops, he quickly read over them for probably the billionth time in his career. 

The signs read; “No Reds, We Only Serve Blues. Thank You For Your Understanding.” 

Small details in his everyday life such as this made him nostalgic for a time in which he wasn’t alive. He’d read plenty on a past where ‘blues’ was but a music genre, as opposed to one entire half of an ‘improved’ society. 

Sighing, he placed the final and largest version of said sign on the main counter beside the cash register, standing shamefully –at least to Dan– for all of their customers to see and set up his station behind the counter, mentally preparing himself for the tiring day he knew was ahead of him. 

— 

It was twenty minutes until closing time, now. 

Dan was still catering to a few customers who had yet to leave, but other than those few lonely stragglers and Chatty Cathies, the place was ready to be closed up for the night. 

As a group of teenagers who he assumed had been studying exited the café, Dan swooped around and gathered their dishes, bringing them behind the counter and into the small kitchen. He was just about to remind a flock of gossip hungry ladies who were sat at the counter that it was closing time when he overheard something that made him wait to do so. 

“They’ve sunk so low to set fires, now?” One of the ladies with long, salt and pepper hair and dark red lipstick on her puckered lips spoke. 

Another lady with equally as dark lipstick and a colourful floral cardigan poked her nose further into the conversation and answered Salt and Pepper’s question. “Oh, yes. I heard there’s been fires all over the edge of town. Over by the valleys and fields.” 

If Dan’s attention wasn’t caught before, it most certainly was now. Someone was starting fires near his home? How hadn’t he heard about this? And we’re the perpetrators just Reds, or were they outside rebels? 

Dan cleared his throat, causing Salt and Pepper, Cardigan, and another woman with a pointy, long nose to look his way with glaring eyes. 

“I’m sorry to have overheard, but who did you say was starting the fires?” He asked as politely as he could muster. 

Pointy Nose, in what Dan assumed was an attempt to be subtle, ever so speedily shifted her beady eyes down to Dan’s arm, presumably to check that he wasn’t a Red. Dan nearly scoffed. In a café overflowing with “We Don’t Serve Reds” signs, you’d think no one would be stupid enough to assume that the government would actually allow them to hire anyone other than a Blue. 

Things like this had happened more than Dan could count on all of his fingers, though. Maybe it was his cynical and passive attitude, or his subtle pessimistic outlook that made everyone think he was hiding something. As if he’d somehow managed to remove a Red tattoo and replace it with ugly blue. Or maybe it was just the flash of red from the dot on his shoulder that made folks wary. Regardless, Dan was a Blue whether they liked it or not. 

“The Reds,” Cardigan spoke in answer to Dan’s question. “There was a small fire in the fields out by the farmland a few nights ago, and then another one a few miles south last night.” 

“Oh.” Dan smiled politely to the ladies before reminding them of closing time, to which they all clicked their tongues and said their goodbyes. After the last of customers paid their tabs and exited the café, Dan cleaned up and headed out, waving goodbye to Cate on his way. 

The walk home was long as per usual, the dusty spring air and startling heat making it a bit more lengthy and uncomfortable, especially due to his unnecessary coat and annoying dust allergy.He was now stood in front of his door, unlocking the locks and wincing as the hinges creaked and moaned loudly. He would have to get those replaced soon enough. 

Sleep came anything but easy that evening. What with the suddenly renewed memory of his peculiar wakening this morning paired with the news that Reds were starting fires near his home, it was a sure recipe for an insomnia flare up. 

So Dan just laid there, nothing covering his body save for his grey boxers as he ever so slowly drifted from consciousness. The air was warm and his breath much warmer as it bounced off of his arm and back at his relaxing face. And in his mind’s last clear moments, he wondered if it was normal to hope for the fires to swallow him whole in his sleep. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy !!

This time when Dan awoke it wasn’t to the sound of a piercing shriek, but to the usual cold chill of Saturday morning air. Right, he thought. He’d kicked off the covers last night before going to bed. He checked the time, briefly taking note of the fact that he’d slept in for an hour more than he usually would on a weekend. 

Dan didn’t work on weekends, which was both a relief in that he didn’t have to force a smile or make tiringly polite conversation with someone he didn’t care for, and yet also a burden in that he hadn’t anything to do to keep himself busy. 

You see, there was really only so much a young man could do alone; most of which was either morbid or mildly sexual. And even wanking became tiresome after a while. So that left the morbid. 

Dan spent the vast majority of his weekends either sat inside reading some obscure article on his laptop about how the world was inevitably going to absolute shit while eating too many crisps or lying on his picnic blanket in the fields outside of his home for hours on end. However, given the news of the fires and the scarce information he’d acquired yesterday, the latter seemed a lot less safe. Of course this didn’t deter him in the least bit.

Dan huffed loudly as he pulled himself from the cobwebs of his morning mind, sitting up and rubbing the remnants of sleep from his eyes. The rest of the morning followed along in his usual routine; get dressed, brush teeth, look in the mirror, bottle up the deep sense of hatred routed towards his tattoo, and continue. 

At a quarter to one, Dan found himself making lunch. A bowl of cereal that he probably should’ve eaten at least two hours ago. However, it would suffice. 

Just as he was shoveling the last spoonful of cereal into his mouth, the phone rang. Dan swallowed fast and wiped away his milk moustache with the back of his hand before reaching across the marble counter and retrieving the phone. 

“Hello?” He asked, wedging the phone between his ear and his shoulder whilst collecting his dishes to place them in the sink. 

“Dan!” His mother spoke cheerily. “How are you?”

Dan smiled. He loved his mum. If no one else, he always knew he could count on her. 

“I’m fine, mum. And you?” 

“Oh, I’m wonderful. How are things on your side of the city? It’s too hot over here. You’re father won’t stop complaining about the weather.”

Dan laughed. His father always had something to complain about when Dan was growing up. Whether it was the high prices of gas or the poor grades on Aaron’s report card, there was always something. “It’s quite humid here, too. How’s dad? I haven’t talked to him in a while.”

Dan’s mum huffed through the phone line. “Oh, you know him. Pessimistic as always. He got offered a promotion at work only to be told a week later that he needs to retire. Just Howell family luck, as I put it.” 

“Oh, that’s too bad.” 

They talked about his father's retirement date for a while longer before the conversation unfortunately shifted back to Dan. 

“How’s work, Dan?” 

Dan rolled his eyes and leaned back against the wall. “Same old, same old. I was the only one who showed up again yesterday, besides Cate.”

Another huff. “That woman needs to hire some more employees or fire the useless ones. Every time I turn around you’re telling me a horror story about that place.”

“I know, but it’s fine, really. It’s not like Cate doesn’t do anything. We work just fine as a twosome,” Dan explained. He knew that his mother wasn’t too fond of Cate and her free spirited antics, so it was always his first instinct to defend her when it came down to it. 

Some shuffling could be heard through the phone line, of course followed by huff number three. “Anyway. Oh! I remember what I called you about! Other than to see how you are, of course.” Dan chuckled. “Margie down the street told me yesterday that some Reds have been starting fires down by your place. You haven’t seen any, have you?” 

Worrying only the slightest at his mother’s mention of the fires, Dan answered calmly; “I’ve heard about that. Never seen any, though.” 

This time, what Dan heard was less of a huff of annoyance and more of a sigh of relief. 

“Okay, then. You call the police if you see any Reds outside, though. Okay? I can’t lose both of my boys before they turn thirty.”

Dan cast his eyes down and spoke quietly, wishing at this point that his mum would just hang up already. “Yeah, okay. I’ve gotta go now. Talk to you later, mum?” 

He could almost hear his mums sad smile through the crackly connection. “Alright. It was nice talking to you. Take care, Daniel.” 

“You too, mum.” 

—

The rest of the day passed without much out of the ordinary taking place. At some point he’d picked up a book that he couldn’t quite bring himself to care about and tried to read that. ‘Tried’ being the keyword. Dan could never find much interest in cliché romance novels written by forty year old women who’d never even had the chance to fall in love. 

Don’t get him wrong; Dan was a gigantic sop when it came to romance. He wanted nothing more than to be happy with someone who would love him for the rest of their eternity. But when it came down to logistics, he knew that wasn’t exactly likely. After all, Dan was sure he’d already seen the extent of the hand he’d been dealt, and it wasn’t a winning one. 

So even with his genuine desire for passion, Dan couldn’t stand to read more than a chapter of a world where that was possible. It only made him jealous. 

Later in the evening, he’d found himself stood in front of the bathroom mirror again. As per usual, his eyes were trained on his tattoo, the aqua tones seeming almost taunting today. 

Dan had wanted to be branded a Red for many reasons. Some were more silly and hopeful, like how he’d fantasized about being told that he had a heart, and that maybe he should’ve been branded Blue instead. It was ridiculous, but it was Dan. And now he was a Blue, and occasionally the sceptical looks he received told him easily enough that they thought the opposite. That maybe he should’ve been branded Red. 

The other reasons, though, made more sense in his muddled head. They hit closer to home, too. 

Dan’s little brother, Aaron, was meant to be a Blue. He was supposed to go to that government building that Dan, himself, had attended nine years ago and answer all the questions correctly. He was supposed to be hooked up to that machine and showed those awful videos, and he was supposed to react just the right way. Adrian was meant to be Blue. 

Now, the colour on Dan’s arm that was supposed to make him feel proud, that was supposed to be the thing he shared with his baby brother, it only made him feel dirty. Like he’d stolen it. Like it was never his to begin with. 

Choosing to ignore the heat and humidity of the day in hopes that it might cool down, Dan changed into a loose fitting, white jumper. He didn’t want to look at the blue anymore, nor did he want to feel the guilt that he’d associated with it. 

The sun was beginning to set by the time Dan was done scrutinizing himself in the mirror. Even in the darkest of times, he knew that there were a few things that he could do to calm himself down. Watching the sunset from his back porch was one of those things. 

The back porch faced the fields outside of his house and gave Dan a perfect view of the picturesque sunset outside. The colours at this time in the evening resembled a watercolour painting. Purples and oranges and reds and the smallest remaining hints of blue all blended together to make a beautiful story. One that Dan enjoyed much more than some ancient harlequin romance novel. 

Dan savoured the way the closely approaching night brought with it cooling temperatures and the slightest of breezes, in turn causing the tall grasses of the fields to sway and sing until their spotlight, the sun, had completely run dry, making room instead for the moon. 

Nights like these were tranquil and routine. The sky was something Dan could count on even if circumstances in his life were to change. 

As he sat with his legs crossed at the ankles and his back leaned leisurely against the brick wall of his home, Dan sipped from a small glass of wine and slowly let his eyes drift closed. When he opened them again, his breath hitched in his throat, his eyes widening a bit as they attempted to focus on the sight before them. 

Dan had seen wildlife in his fields plenty of times. The odd passing deer or rabbit was to be expected when your backyard extended to cover more than a mile. But Dan had never seen another person in the field, and especially not this late at night. 

The person was stood completely still, a few yards away from the edge of the porch. He was holding something unidentifiable in his left hand and a small light casting lantern in his right. The lantern didn’t give off enough light to illuminate the stranger’s face, nor did the lights from inside his house. 

Dan closed his eyes, tired, and rubbed at his lids for a few moments. When he reopened them, the stranger was gone. 

—

On Sunday morning, Dan made sure to eat a big breakfast. He poured himself what was probably more water than necessary, but drank it all nevertheless.

When lunch rolled around, Dan repeated the trend, making himself more sandwiches than he could eat and drinking even more water. Normally, he wouldn’t bother too much with meals during the day. He was the type of person who didn’t have much of an appetite and could exist on a small and well balanced diet, as long as he stayed relatively healthy. 

But then there were days like Saturday, when Dan would ride the day on a bowl of cereal and a half full glass of wine. Days when Dan would hallucinate seeing tall people with handheld lanterns and cautious auras in his backyard. 

Dan was sure that what he’d seen last night was a hallucination. In fact, he didn’t know what else it could possibly be. Well, there was perhaps the smallest of voices in the back of his head screaming: “It was a Red! They were going to start a fire!”, but Dan chose to ignore that voice and opted for one of the many more reasonable and significantly less terrifying conclusions. 

Maybe he hadn’t eaten enough, or maybe he was dehydrated. Those were both things that could cause hallucinations, right? Or maybe it was just the wine. Though Dan hadn’t drank all that much before nearly falling asleep. Regardless, though, he was certain it wasn’t a Red. 

As the evening neared, Dan felt himself grow almost frightened. Scared that maybe what he saw was real and not something that his brain had cooked up due to a lack of nutrition.

He’d been planning from the moment he’d woken up to stay up again tonight and see whether he had a reason to be scared or not, hoping for the latter. But now he was contemplating whether he should just drop this altogether, eat dinner, and go to sleep. Sure, that sounded easier, but not on his conscious. 

So in the end, he decided he had to do this. Whether it turned out to be a Red or nothing at all, Dan needed reassurance, or else this small detail in his bumpy life might just eat him alive. 

—

It was now a quarter to nine, which meant the sun would be saying its goodbyes soon. 

Dan, figuring he’d already eaten quite a bit for breakfast and lunch, made himself another sandwich for dinner, accompanied by a glass of water. Dan had probably peed in one day more than he usually would all weekend, but if it meant that he wouldn’t be seeing silhouettes in the field tonight then he welcomed it with open arms. 

In the short hours between his last two meals, Dan had made the decision to take his picnic blanket and set up a bit further out in the fields than he normally would during the later hours of the night.

He figured that if what he’d seen wasn’t a hallucination, and if they were to return at all, then they might not revisit the same place they did the previous night, now with the knowledge that they wouldn’t be alone. Dan hoped that if they came back they might venture out a bit further in the fields, so that’s where Dan would meet them. 

As the sun began to set, Dan pulled his picnic basket from a trunk he kept in his tiny lounge and a small flashlight just for good measure. 

The sky was luckily still light enough that Dan could see clearly as he made his way through tall grass and to a quaint clearing in the field where he would set out his blanket for the evening. Once sat down, he decided it was foolish to let his nerves get the better of him while he waited for something to perhaps or perhaps not show up. Lying down on his back and folding his hands over his stomach, Dan gazed up at the brilliant hues of the changing sky. 

In maybe half an hour, those colours would be replaced by billions of luminescent stars, some creating a multitude of constellations while other lone stars sat quietly amongst the sea of black and waited to be noticed by anyone passing. 

Dan could imagine himself as one of those lonely stars. Stuck up there all day with no one else to talk to, watching from afar as the world continued on below him. Without him. He wished he could imagine himself as a constellation, as one part of a whole. But he couldn’t, and he wasn’t. He sat on the outside looking in, just like the little lonely stars he could see from his spot on the ground, where coincidentally enough, he sat alone as well. 

Or at least he thought he did.

A rustle sounded somewhere at his feet, causing him to sit up abruptly and scan the grass before him for any movement. The sky was significantly dimmer than it had been before, and his eyes were having a bit of trouble adjusting to the harsh lighting. 

Remembering his flashlight, Dan switched the small device on and pointed it at the grass. 

Nothing. 

“Hello?” Dan called, his voice timid and coming out much weaker than he’d intended. If he didn’t seem like prey before, he was sure he did now. 

Suddenly there was more rustling, coming again from in front of him. He drew his thighs closer to his chest and braced his clenching hand against the hard earth through his blanket. 

The rustling continued to grow closer until Dan began to visibly see grass begin to separate as it politely made way for the intruding stranger in Dan’s field. As the grass grew thinner, a lantern began to come into view, casting a weak spherical glow around itself and the pale hand that held it. 

A man stepped into the clearing, and directly into the path of Dan’s flashlight beam, as if he was showing he had nothing to fear in being here. Dan wasn’t sure whether he found this reassuring or the exact opposite. Making sure he wasn’t seeing things, he rubbed at his eyes with one hand, making sure to keep the flashlight trained on the tall stranger. When he was done, the stranger was still present. 

Dan stared. Was that impolite? He figured not, seeing as the stranger was on his land and not vice versa. 

The man was tall, Dan could easily see that. He wore a green canvas jacket over a dark shirt with some type of writing on it– Dan couldn’t tell the specifics in the dark, regardless of his flashlight. Shifting the beam up a bit to illuminate his face, Dan studied that, too. 

The stranger squinted at the bright light but didn’t flinch away. He had icy blue eyes, from what Dan could tell, and black hair that was pushed off of his forehead messily. It was dyed, Dan could tell that much by the difference in shades between the hair atop his head and the lighter colour of his eyebrows. From what he could tell, the stranger was lean, and when he glanced down to his hands again, he saw that this time there was no strange object in his left hand like there had been the night before. 

Dan didn’t feel threatened, or scared, or worried in the least bit. It was startling, of course, but so were many things in his life. This stranger was just another minor detail. 

Saying to hell with it, Dan turned out his flashlight and relaxed his legs. 

“Wanna look at the stars with me?” Dan asked, patting the space beside him welcomingly. 

To his surprise and muted delight, the stranger accepted his offer, occupying the space beside Dan and mimicking his position when Dan lied down. 

With his hands returned to their folded position atop his stomach, Dan felt the alarmingly steady rise and fall of his chest beneath his palms. Why was he not scared? He had full reason to be. There was a potentially dangerous stranger lying less than a foot away from him, from a position at which he could totally overpower Dan and strangle him, or stab him in the neck with a pocketknife. Why wasn’t he scared? What was wrong with him? 

Dan scooted over by a few inches on the picnic blanket, away from the stranger. It wasn’t that he was scared, to his almost disappointment, but he decided that even if his heart and body weren’t making the wisest decisions, at least his mind could. 

The stranger turned his head to look at Dan, who in turn did the same. The night sky made every detail of the stranger’s face seem grainy and unreal, but it was still impossible for Dan to miss the meaning in his eyes. It was as if with one look, the stranger was trying to say “I won’t hurt you”, or “You don’t need to be scared”. 

Dan tried his best to portray his response in his own eyes. “I’m not.” 

Their eyes remained glued to each other for a few seconds longer before their messages seemed to be understood and they each went back to stargazing. 

Only now could Dan feel the racing of his heart, the palpitations so wild that he was sure the stranger next to him must have been feeling them too. So maybe he’d lied just then. Maybe he was kind of scared. 

As time slowly progressed and the ground beneath Dan began to feel soft, the tranquil stranger looked to Dan once more, waiting until Dan did the same before giving him a look that Dan was sure meant thank you. 

The stranger then rose to his feet, swiping at the dirt on his thighs, even though Dan was sure there was none. Dan sat up slowly, watching as the man he’d been sharing the ground with not minutes ago quietly gathered his lantern and headed back in the direction he’d come in. He didn’t blink or move his eyes until the light had completely disappeared, and with it the stranger. 

Dan sat on the picnic blanket a short while longer, thinking about what had just happened. Was he insane? Had he completely lost it in the head? Did he actually just let some trespassing stranger stargaze with him for half an hour? 

And for the love of God, why wasn’t he scared?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Come say hi on my tumblr (@danssmile) if ya want !!


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw dnp last night and I can infact confirm that they are real people okay that’s all. Enjoy, kiddos.

It was now Wednesday, three days after Dan’s stargazing rendezvous with the stranger in his field. Three days after, and he still hadn’t uttered a single word to anyone about the events of that night, nor had he returned to that section of the field. Partially because he was scared the man would be there, but also partially because he was scared he wouldn’t be. 

Sure, Dan wanted closure. He wanted to know who that man was and why he’d been there in the first place, but he was also afraid that if he were to never return to Dan’s field then Dan would never get any. Either way, he knew he was rather fucked, but for some reason making the conscious decision to never know felt better than leaving it to chance. 

In the end, Dan knew that if the strange man were to come back in any which way, he would have to ask him some questions. He was more than sure that the man was a Red, seeing as most Blues don’t usually repeatedly trespass on other people’s land in the middle of the night. This wouldn’t bother him if it hadn’t been for the conversation he’d had with his mum not forty eight hours before his late night run in. 

She’d told him that if he were to see any Reds in the field, he should call the police. He was nearly certain he had in fact seen a Red, but he hadn’t called the police. He couldn’t. That man had seemed so calm, so gentle. There was no way he could have had the intention to burn down Dan’s property, could he? But what if that’s what his intentions had been? Then what could Dan even trust? Obviously not what he thought was being clearly presented to him, and that was that the stranger who had lied with Dan on Sunday night was harmless.

All of these thoughts had been eating him alive since Monday morning when he’d woken up, and they continued to harass him even now, three whole days later. 

As Dan leaned against the hard surface of the café’s front counter, he briefly wondered if he’d been acting noticeably strange to anyone but himself. Though he shot that thought down as he remembered that he’s always strange. Dan’s normal is abnormal. 

“What are ya thinking about?” Cate asked in a song-song voice, her sudden presence leaned against the counter beside Dan making him jump. 

Cate looked at him with curious eyes, accentuated today by sparkly silver eyeshadow and lashes coated in a thick layer of mascara. Dan only knew which products were which due to the amount of times Cate had misplaced her small vials and palettes, deciding Dan would be the one to go to the drugstore to get her more.

“Nothing interesting,” he lied. 

“Bullshit.” 

“Hey! Be quiet, the customers might hear you!” Dan said lowly. 

Cate rolled her eyes. “If you were actually paying attention to the world around you, you’d have noticed that I closed the café ten minutes ago and there are no customers in here, you idiot.”

Dan looked around for the first time since serving his last customer half an hour ago. Oh, she was right. Maybe he was a bit more off than he’d even realized. 

“Oh,” he said, dumbfounded. “Sorry, I’m a bit distracted, I guess.”

“I know, Howell. I can tell.” Of course she knew, she was Cate. Sometimes Dan wondered if she knew him better than he did. “So what’s wrong? What’s going on in that head of yours?” 

Dan heaved a heavy sigh and shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. Should he tell her? He knew that Cate wasn’t the type to blab off to the police, or even worse, his mum. But she was also very persuasive and often got her way with Dan. If Cate told him he needed to tell the police, then he would do it. 

“Is there any way I’ll get away without telling you?” He inquired, even though he already knew the answer. 

“Sure, but then I’ll follow you home until I figure it out for myself. So come on, spit it out.”

Dan reopened his eyes, his vision a bit blurry from his eyes being previously closed so tight. 

“Have you heard of the fires being set on the outskirts of the city?”

“Yes, I have. There was another one a few nights ago. Sunday night, I think.”

Dan’s eyes widened. “Sunday night? Are you sure?”

Cate looked confused, and rightfully so. Dan didn’t even know what he was trying to get at by this point. She nodded her head, curly, mousy brown hair bobbing up and down as well. 

Dan swallowed thickly. Okay, he thought. That doesn’t mean the stranger was involved in it. 

“Well, everyone thinks there are Reds behind it, right?” Cate nodded. Dan continued, “um, I saw a Red on my property on Sunday night.” 

Dan braced himself for a shocked gasp, or a slap on the arm, or some form of disapproval. None came. 

“Were they going to set your field on fire?” She asked instead, her tone calm, interested, even. She looked at Dan with expectant eyes.

“Well, no, actually. All he had with him was a lantern, I think,” Dan responded, trying to think back to that night. Yes, he thought, only a lantern. He’d even turned that off. 

“And you don’t think he seemed . . . threatening? At all?” 

“No, not at all. He seemed, I don’t know, really calm. Like he wasn’t looking for a fight, y’know?” Dan had really hoped he wouldn’t sound like an idiot in saying that, but after those words left his mouth he realized how much of a dumbass he sounded like. 

“Huh,” Cate said, seeming skeptical. 

“You think I’m insane, don’t you?”

Cate laughed lightheartedly. “Of course not, Howell. All you did was make observations. It’s not like you invited him into your house or anything.”

She was still laughing, but Dan’s wasn’t. Because maybe he hadn’t invited the stranger into his home, but he had invited him to stargaze with him, for fucks sake. 

“Well . . .”

“Daniel Howell!” Cate exclaimed, eyes wide and staring pointedly at her best employee, and possibly her most insane employee as well.

“I didn’t let him into my house! I promise, Cate!” Dan rushed. “I just . . .”

“Spit it out.”

“I let him lie on my blanket and stargaze with me for like, half an hour, maybe?”

Cate shook her head and tutted her tongue, hands moving to her hips. “You are an oddity, Howell.”

“I know.”

She sighed heavily and shook her head again, smiling this time. “What am I ever going to do with you?”

“Give me a raise and pray that I don’t do anything else stupid?” Dan asked playfully, no hope clear in his tone. 

Now, Cate slapped him on the arm, beginning to walk back into the staff room. “Go home, Dan.”

—

Dan poured a coin sized portion of clear shampoo into his right palm, talking a moment to enjoy the pretty scent before raising it to the top of his already soaked hair and lathering it onto his scalp. 

The shampoo smelled of watermelon and strawberry, Dan’s two favourite fruits. Technically, the bottle was advertised and stocked in the women’s department at the drugstore, but he didn’t really care. When it came to his personal hygiene products, it was very rare that he’d actually purchase from the men’s section. 

Sure, women’s products were typically more expensive, but he’d rather not smell like an entire pine forest, motor oil, and freshly cut lumber all at once, thank you very much. He was quite content with his watermelon and strawberry shampoo and his lavender scented deodorant. 

He tried not to fuss too much when a small bit of his shampoo rolled down his forehead and into his eye, stinging like crazy. He hurried to get the rest of the shampoo out of his hair while screwing his eyes shut. Once the shampoo had run down the length of his body and down the drain, he blinked furiously, standing directly under the water’s stream. 

After the stinging subsided and he could see clearly out of both eyes again, he grabbed his bar of soap –also strawberry scented– and lathered it onto the rest of his body, humming a tune that he couldn’t remember the name of. 

After drying himself off quickly and putting on some more deodorant, seeing as it was still rather early in the afternoon, Dan then dressed in some random black shirt he found in his dresser and a pair of monochrome plaid shorts. 

He grabbed his MP3 Player from under his pillow and the picnic blanket from its spot in the lounge, heading out the back door. 

He didn’t venture out to his clearing out in the field as he usually would on afternoons like this, instead opting to remain on the porch. One could easily call him a coward at this point, and he wouldn’t care in the least bit, to be honest. He was sticking with his choice to resist closure, and with it disappointment. That didn’t make him a coward, did it?

He shuffled through the songs on his MP3 Player until he came across the one he’d been humming in the shower. ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’, it was called. Elvis, of course it was Elvis. 

As the chords and words began to drift through his headphones and into his ears, Dan set out the blanket, bunching it up a bit at the top to create a makeshift pillow, and laid down. His eyes drifted shut as he hummed along to the familiar tune. 

He peeked an eye open after a few songs had passed, squinting up at the bit of sun he could see creeping through the gaps in the veranda above. The further west the sun moved, the more Dan wished he’d put on sunscreen. 

It took only a few more minutes for him to decide that yes, he is a dumb fuck, and no, he cannot survive out here without sunscreen. 

Just as ‘Hey Jane’ by The Pink Spiders came on, Dan stood to his feet and stepped inside, quickly rubbing sunscreen onto his face and the exposed bits of his neck, shoulders, and legs. He was still humming along to the last chorus of ‘Hey Jane’ as he stepped outside, barely making it to the centre of the porch before looking up and freezing in his tracks. 

His eyes widened the same way they had when Cate had informed him of the fires Sunday night. Cautiously pulling his headphones out of his ears and shoving them into the pocket of his shorts along with the device they were connected to, Dan studied the stranger in front of him. 

This was the first time Dan had seen him in the daylight, and really, moonlight didn’t do him justice. The stranger was tall like Dan had known, black hair styled in a quiff contrasting with the paleness of his almost translucent skin. His eyes were blue, but so dull that they might’ve been grey. He wore a pale yellow t-shirt and black jeans, though Dan wasn’t quite sure how he could even stand to wear such things in today’s intense heat. 

Lastly, Dan’s eyes drifted to the tattoo sleeve on his arm, confirming that this stranger was, in fact, a Red. 

“What were you listening to?” The stranger asked easily, as if he and Dan were friends. As if this wasn’t the first time Dan had heard his slightly deep voice, northern accent much weaker than Cate’s yet still present. 

“Music,” Dan replied redundantly. 

The stranger laughed, a sound both sweet like candies and calming like the swaying of the tall grasses in Dan’s field. 

“No, I mean what song.”

“‘Hey Jane’ by The Pink Spiders. It’s, um, it’s . . . good . . .” Dan told the stranger, still unsure of why he was here and why he was making small talk about music with Dan. 

“Oh, they’re not bad.”

Dan nodded, feeling awkward and exposed in front of this strange Red. Not knowing what else to do, he let his curiosity about the stranger take over. “Who are you? What’s your name, I mean,” he prodded. 

The stranger smirked and shoved pale hands into the front pockets of his black jeans. “Phil. And yours?” 

Dan liked that name. It was a name that he thought might be strange and bland for anyone else, but for this particular stranger, it very much suited him. And not in a bad way. 

“My name’s Dan,” he spoke, “and it’s nice to meet you, Phil. I think.” He paused a moment before a fair mixture of politeness and curiosity got the better of him. “Would you like to sit down?” He asked, motioning with his hand towards the picnic blanket still sprawled out on the floor. He was kind at heart, and he knew that was why he was a Blue as opposed to a Red. It was also the reason Dan made stupid offers that could quite literally get him killed. 

Dan sat down anyway and waited for Phil to either decline or accept his offer to join him.

Phil offered a smile as his answer, removing his hands from his pockets as he used them to brace himself against the splintered wood of the porch next to Dan. 

He was only sat a little more than a foot away from Dan, just like that night in the field, and Dan had no complaints about that. Phil smelled of something that he couldn’t quite put his finger on, but whatever it was, it smelled like home. Something not quite spicy, but warm. Something not quite sweet, but pleasant. He wondered then if Phil could smell his own strawberry body wash just as strongly. 

Really, having Phil so up close was almost surreal. Less than a week ago he’d been tearing himself apart trying to determine if Phil was even real or not, not to mention he’d spent the last three whole days attempting to make himself stop wanting to be close to Phil again. So much for that, he thought. 

“Do you live around here?” He asked. Normally, he’d consider that a bit too personal of a question for having just met Phil, but Phil was currently sat on Dan’s back porch, so he didn’t really care. 

“Where do Reds usually live?”

“Oh,” Dan spoke. 

Most of the Reds in the city lived in the western, more sketchy neighbourhoods. These places were often one of two things– rundown areas littered with crime and feuds, or close-knit communities of people burdened with the undeserving misfortune of being Reds. For Phil’s sake, Dan hoped he was from one of the latter. 

However, he was also quite curious as to why on earth Phil was finding himself in Dan’s area if he was from all the way west. 

“Do you know someone who lives around here?” 

“Well, now I know you.”

Dan laughed. “So I’ll take that as a no, then.”

Phil pulled his legs closer to his body and rested his chin in his hand, his elbow balanced wobbly on his knee. He looked thoughtful, Dan observed. “Should I stop coming through this field?” He asked Dan, clearly getting the wrong impressions from his previous questions. 

“No, I don’t see why you’d have to do that. So long as you don’t burn the field down or something,” Dan laughed, mentioning the recent fires playfully. 

Phil seemed to tense suddenly, his eyes becoming cold for a split second before shifting back to their normal lazy blue. He laughed as well, the expression still not quite reaching his eyes. “I promise I won’t.”

Dan smiled. “Good. ‘Cause I could use some company around here every once in a while.”

This time when Phil smiled, it was genuine. Dan could tell that much. 

“Me too.”

“Hey Phil?” Dan asked after a moment’s hesitation. 

“Yeah?”

Dan picked at the hem of the picnic blanket below him, eyes downcast for only a moment before they drifted back up to meet Phil’s. 

“If I were to come outside at the same time tomorrow, would you be here?” 

Phil lifted his eyebrows quizzically, as if asking a silent question that perhaps Dan didn’t quite understand. “Depends. Would you want me to be here?”

Dan didn’t have to think about this one. “Yeah.”

Phil smirked, eyes suddenly seeming bluer out of nowhere. “Then yeah, I reckon I’d be here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !!


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! TRIGGER WARNING !! - fairly detailed depiction of panic attack after the first “—“. Also some very mild repetition of words during that section. Depiction lasts until the second “—“. If you don’t want to read that part, please feel free to either leave a comment or message me on tumblr (@ordanary) and I can 100% fill you in on anything important :) I hope you enjoy !!

The next day, Dan couldn't seem to keep the excitement he felt about seeing Phil again from showing. 

On the walk from his home to the café in the morning, the bits of dust and dirt that filtered up through the air and made him sneeze didn’t seem to bother him as much as usual. 

As he made his way through the suburbs and past groups of teenage smokers and buildings littered with rude graffiti, it didn’t make him angry because why would it when he would be returning to his lovely sliver of paradise after work? 

While placing the small signs out on the café tables and counters, he didn’t –or maybe just couldn’t– skip out on his routine of reading the large print, but today it didn’t make him bitter, or frustrated. The café might not be allowed to welcome anyone other than Blues, but that couldn’t stop Dan from doing so in his own home. 

In fact, Phil was coming over that night, and they were going to talk. About what, he wasn’t sure, but why did it even matter? His time with Phil the night prior had felt like a breath of fresh air when all he’d previously been inhaling were harmful toxins. 

“Who are you and what have you done with the real Howell?” Cate asked him during his lunch break which he was spending cooped up in the staff room as per usual. 

Dan glanced over in her direction where she stood in the threshold of the staff room door, one hand on her hip and the other holding her weight against the doorframe. 

“I ate him,” he replied sarcastically, taking a messy bite out of his ham sandwich for emphasis. 

Cate chuckled, moving to sit across from him in one of the room’s seemingly sleek yet cheap arm chairs. “Was he tasty?”

“Mostly bitter,” he responded after swallowing his mouthful of food. “What’s up?” 

“Nothing much. I just finished lecturing thing number one out there for serving cold coffee again. I swear to gods, Dan, I don’t know where I’d be without you in my life to keep me sane.”

Dan smirked. “Well in a mental facility, clearly.”

Cate glared, eyes almost completely disappearing behind her long and luxurious fake lashes. “What’s new with you, Mr Cannibal?” She asked, mocking Dan for his earlier comment on the subject of eating his dreariest self. 

“I feel like you ask me this question every day, and really, nothing much usually changes between the time I see you,” Dan informed his boss, like the smartass he was. 

Cate scoffed. “Well, judging by the fact that earlier I heard you, Daniel James Howell, humming a radio tune and actually genuinely smiling for once in your oh so depressing life, I’m going to go ahead and guess that something did change. Either that, or you really are a cannibal who ate the real Dan,” she countered. 

Dan shrugged, eyes fixated on the bit of bread we was tearing from his sandwich as he chuckled. 

“I met someone,” he mumbled, smiling to himself. 

“Oh!” Exclaimed Cate. “You’ve met a boy! Have you two been on a date yet? Did it go well?”

Dan looked up, brows furrowed and forehead creased in confusion. “What? No! I mean I met a friend!” He paused, cocking his head to the side. “Well, at least a potential friend.”

Cate rolled her eyes. “Maybe that’s even better. So go on, tell me about your friend.”

Dan grinned thinking about Phil. He knew virtually nothing about the man aside from his tendency to trespass fields at night, but he was nice. Phil was kind, and funny, and maybe Phil wanted to be Dan’s friend. “His name’s Phil. He sorta just showed up when I was sitting on my porch yesterday, and so I let him sit down and we introduced ourselves. I don’t know, he seems cool,” Dan told Cate with muted excitement. 

Cate smiled, giving Dan that stupid all-knowing motherly look that all women past the age of thirty five seem to have mastered. 

“This mysterious Phil from the back porch wouldn’t happen to be the same Red from your field a few nights ago, would he?” She asked. Fuck, why did Cate always have to know everything? Why couldn’t she be oblivious for once? 

Dan smiled smugly anyway, because yes, he was referring to the Red from his field. And yes, he did want to be friends with said Red. He was planning on it, to be precise. “Maybe.”

“Is he fit?” Cate asked, wiggling her eyebrows and smirking deviously. 

Dan shoved a large portion of sandwich in his mouth, chewing slowly and giving his boss an unimpressed glare. 

“Well?” Asked Cate, becoming a bit impatient. 

Dan swallowed thickly before taking another ginormous bite of his food. Covering his full mouth with one hand, he said, “it’s rude to speak with your mouth full, Cate.”

Cate pouted, roughly punching Dan in the shoulder and folding her arms across her small bust. “You suck.”

Dan gave Cate a closed mouthed grin and swallowed the last of his food. “That’s not true, my dear Cate. One must be getting laid for that statement to be valid.”

“You’re vile.”

“Yeah, but you love me.”

“Shut up and get back to work, Howell.” Cate tugged on Dan’s jumper and pulled him out of the staff room along with her, fondness etched into the laugh lines of her tired face. 

—

When Robbie Malcolm waltzed into Cate’s Coffee Shop later that afternoon, Dan nearly choked on his own breath. 

Robbie, much like any other bustling twenty three year old on their workplace’s daily coffee run, seemed to be in a bit of a rush, tapping his oxford clad toes on the linoleum floor beneath him and seeming completely oblivious to the presence of who was once his best friend’s older brother. 

Dan unfortunately wasn’t as oblivious to Robbie’s presence, though, regardless of how badly he wished he could be. Of all the things Dan could possibly want in life at the moment, either going home or being completely invisible was at the top of the list. Luckily he only had about fifteen minutes left of his shift before he’d be able to close up and begin his walk home, but the chances of it taking Robbie a whole quarter of an hour to wait in line were slim to none. 

Dan snapped back into harsh reality when Jenni, the other barista on duty, accidentally elbowed him in the side as she moved to make her current customer the iced coffee they’d ordered. “Sorry,” Jenni muttered before continuing. 

Dan didn’t respond, instead moving to his station and announcing he could help whoever was next in line. As an antsy teenage girl with dull blonde hair politely requested possibly the simplest thing on the menu, that being a medium black coffee, Dan cursed himself and hoped that maybe the coffee machine would brake and he could stall long enough for Jenni to be done with her customer and in turn serve the next, Robbie. 

Keeping his head down to the best of his ability, Dan made the girl her coffee, telling her the small cost before painfully watching her walk away. 

Before Dan could even announce his station was open, Robbie was standing on the other side of the counter, giving Dan a strange look and making the aforementioned want to curl up in a ball on the floor and rock back and forth until he left. 

Dan watched almost fearfully as a look of recognition washed over Robbie Malcolm’s stupid face. 

“Dan Howell?” He asked, clearly not noticing as Dan flinched at the sound of his own name coming from this man’s mouth. 

“Yeah,” Dan replied, his voice coming out weak and scared.

Robbie, ever so cluelessly, grinned. Why was he grinning? Dan wondered. How could this young man possibly be smiling like life was just fucking dandy when he was so directly connected to something so heinous that it had ruined the life of someone else? 

“It’s me, Robbie Malcolm!” If Dan had flinched at hearing his own name aloud, then he flat out reacted as if he’d been slapped at hearing Robbie Malcolm speak his own. “Aw man, it’s so great to see you! How’ve you been?” 

Dan’s fists balled in what he wasn’t sure was either anger or rather just an overwhelming crash of emotion, but whatever it was, it made Dan want to throw up and cry and scream all at the same time. 

Before the beacon of destruction before him could continue to harass him with his seemingly harmless words, Dan bolted for the staff room, colliding with the interior wall and sliding down it's reassuring stability. Heavy and uneven breaths filtered in and out of his lungs, though the ragged process felt completely useless as all the air in the room seemed to disappear. 

He was overcome by the incredibly overwhelming urge to escape. To escape all the sadness, the confusion, and –oh god– the anger. Dan felt so much anger that he wanted to shove his fist through the drywall of the room, an action he was only avoiding due to the shakiness of his balled fists. 

He was so furious at the mere thought of that stupid man coming into his personal space, asking him such outrageous questions as to if Dan remembered him, or how Dan was doing. How dare he treat the scarring events of so long ago so casually? How dare he even walk into the building in his happy business suit on his happy mission to get coffee for his happy job, all of which contributed to his obnoxiously unfair fucking happy life. 

Dan wanted to scream, scream, scream, but no sound would come out. After many failed attempts to let his outrage and hurt release in some form of a shout, the only sound that ended up coming out was a sob. A very broken and pathetic sob. 

Instead of fighting it, he let the violent bouts of endless tears control him.

When the door opened and Jenni walked through, Dan wasn’t sure whether he wanted her to go away or not, but that all changed when Cate followed her through the now open door, closing it loudly behind her. Cate was the first to get down to his level and crouch beside him on the floor, saying things and asking questions that Dan couldn’t quite comprehend in his current state. Jenni stood frozen in front of Dan, watching with wide eyes while Cate attempted to help him. 

Cate twisted her body, saying something at her female employee that in turn made Jenni leave the room, unintentionally slamming the door again as she went. 

Everything was too loud, too loud, too loud. And yet all he could focus on was the sound of his own ragged breathing. Dan pressed his palms against his ears and screwed his eyes shut, attempting to drown everything and everyone out, even though there was only one other person in the room with him. 

In his mostly blind and deaf state, Dan felt warm hands pull him into a familiar body. Cate wrapped her arms around his shaking frame and held him there against her side, her hand rubbing soothing circles into his back. 

This had happened once before at work, and by now Cate knew how to calm him down. If it had been anyone else’s arms around him right now, he’d be crying even harder. Unwanted physical touch when Dan was like this was a nightmare, but Cate was like him mum in the sense that they were the only two people in the world who could bring him down from a panic attack like this. 

Though Dan was still absolutely nowhere near being stable yet, a few long minutes later he began to hear words clearly again, his hands which were previously over his ears slowly slipping down until they were merely trembling in his lap. 

“You can hear me now, yeah?” Cate asked quietly as she continued to run circles into his clothed skin. 

He didn’t want to talk, didn’t trust his voice, so instead he nodded. In reality, it was more of a minuscule up and down once motion and less of an actual nod, but Cate understood. Cate always understood. 

“Okay,” she mumbled, “you’re okay now.”

Five minutes later, and his breathing slowly began to calm itself as he opened his eyes, seeing nothing but blurry outlines before the world came back into focus. Dan’s first instinct was to apologize to Cate. She was his boss, not his therapy dog. He couldn’t even imagine how much of a scene he’d caused, what with him storming into the back and freaking out like that. He wasn’t even fully done freaking out yet. 

“I’m sorry,” Dan whimpered, leaning the side of his head on Cate’s shoulder and sniffling quietly. 

Cate shushed him, pressing a motherly kiss to his forehead. “Oh no, sweetheart. It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Rather than arguing like he normally would, Dan just nodded weakly against her shoulder and stayed silent. “What has you so upset?” She asked. Any other time this had happened, Cate normally wouldn’t have asked a question like that, knowing that Dan probably wasn’t ready to talk about it. But something told Dan that if he told Cate then she was going to do something about it, and as much as he liked avoiding his problems until they were an overflowed boiling pot of angst and sadness, he wanted Robbie to leave and to leave now. 

At the thought of Robbie once more, Dan’s eyes began to water again, the salty liquid slowly running down his face and dripping off of his chin. “One of . . .” It hurt him to say the name. “One of Aaron’s old friends. Not a good one.”

“And what did he say to you?” She inquired. It was beginning to feel like a bit of an interrogation, but Dan knew that was just Cate getting defensive of her employees and acting like the mum she was on the inside. 

Dan swallowed. “Just normal things, but– I don’t know,” he spoke quietly, ashamed that something so little as ‘how are you?’ had made him this upset and angry. 

Cate seemed to understand to at least some degree, though, because next thing he knew she was standing up, patting him on the head and telling him to ‘sit tight’ like a dog. She walked out of the staff room with purpose in her step, disappearing behind the large wooden door that currently separated Dan from the customers, Jenni, and Robbie Malcolm. 

He heard the familiar sound of Cate yelling at someone who he assumed was Robbie to leave the shop and never come back. On top of that, he heard brief arguing from Robbie, claiming that he needed coffee or he’d get fired, but Cate shut him down immediately, telling him he could ‘get the fuck out right now’ or get the cops called on him. Dan thought Robbie probably left after that. 

A few seconds after a complete silence, Cate came back while Dan was busy using the hem of his work uniform to wipe his face of any remaining tears. 

“He’s gone,” announced Cate, seeming angry. Dan felt an overwhelming rush of guilt. He’d ruined Cate’s day, he’d ruined Jenni’s day, and he probably also ruined Robbie’s day, though he cared a lot less about the last one. 

Dan stood up on still wobbly legs, steadying himself on the wall. When Cate offered him one of her big mama bear hugs he gratefully accepted, holding her tight against himself. 

“Are you okay to walk home by yourself or do you need a ride?” She asked as she stepped away, her hand still on Dan’s shoulder. 

Dan shook his head. “No, I’ll be fine walking. Thanks for offering, though.”

Cate smiled sadly, a smile which Dan recognized as the pity smile she gave to nervous customers as they waited for dates to arrive, the same pity smile she gave to hungover and exhausted adults as they swung by in the early morning to grab a coffee before heading into hell for the day. Dan didn’t like the pity smile so much when it was directed at him. 

As all three of the baristas were heading out the door, Dan stopped in front of them and spoke, “thank you both, for . . . you know, earlier.”

Jenni and Cate both smiled, each mumbling a ‘no problem’ and saying their goodbyes as they all parted in different directions. 

—

“How the fuck was this so easy last time?” Dan huffed aloud as he walked down the sloping dirt road to his home. The dust and dirt that previously hadn’t bothered him now made his throat scratchy and his lungs sore. On top of that, the temperature had increased drastically, which would probably mean there’d be a thunderstorm coming later in the afternoon. Just fucking peachy.

It was already nearing the time Dan had planned to meet with Phil, meaning he probably wouldn’t even get the chance to take a shower before seeing the man. It made him want to cry again, really. All he wanted to do after today was talk to Phil and make a good impression, but right now he probably looked as tired and as rough as he felt, which was not a good thing. Phil wouldn’t want to be friends with an emotional and physical wreck. 

Speaking of Phil, the raven haired man sat at the bottom of the short staircase leading to the front door of Dan’s home, his chin resting in the palm of his hand. He seemed to notice Dan’s arrival, then, perking up and grinning.

“Hey, Dan,” he greeted the tired Blue. 

Dan smiled, waving as he approached the stairs. “Hey. Have you been waiting long?” He asked, hoping he would say no. 

Phil shrugged. “Just a few minutes.”

“Sorry,” Dan apologized, pulling his house keys from his back pocket. “Do you wanna come inside? It’s too hot out here.” Well, that, and Dan wanted to be in the comfort of his own home again, regardless of whether Phil was with him or not. 

“Yeah, sure,” Phil answered, smiling. “Are you just coming home from work?” He asked as Dan held open the door for him, closing it behind them. 

Dan lead Phil into the kitchen where he dropped his things and leaned against the counter. “Uh huh. I work at Cate’s Coffee Shop downtown,” he spoke. 

Phil hummed, joining Dan in close proximity to his spot against the marble counter. “How was it?”

Dan grimaced. “Today was disgusting.”

Phil’s eyes widened as he looked at Dan in surprise. Perhaps Dan had been better at masking his sour emotions than he’d originally thought. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Phil asked. He seemed so genuinely concerned, so completely willing to listen to Dan rant and ramble for a as long as he needed, but Dan couldn’t do that to him when they’d just met, could he?

Dan sighed, shaking his head and turning around to face the cupboards. “It’s fine. Would you like some lemonade?” He asked instead. 

Phil nodded. Pulling two glasses down from the cabinet before him and fetching the lemonade from the fridge, Dan poured their drinks, handing one to Phil and leading them into the lounge to sit down. 

As Phil made himself comfy on the end of the couch closest to the chair Dan was sat on, the aforementioned caught himself staring at the peculiar Red’s tattoo. The colour was a bit lighter than blood, but a bit darker than the shade of Dan’s own red dot. Like his own tattoo, Phil’s reaches all the way from his wrist to the bit of skin below his shoulder blade, where it ended with a straight line. The strange and curious part of Dan wanted to reach out and touch it, to feel the skin and ink below his fingers and the goosebumps they might raise. 

“Not seen many Reds?” Phil asked, lifting his tattooed arm as he brought his drink to his lips.

Dan snapped himself out of his odd trance, taking a swig of his own lemonade and swallowing the sweet liquid. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare,” he said apologetically. “Do you see a lot of Blues, or can I consider myself special?”

“I see a few every now and then. A lot of them come into my brother’s part of streets ‘cause they don’t wanna be a Blue anymore. But you are rather special, still.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Phil, wondering what he’d say next. He also wondered what kind of person Phil’s brother was if people were coming to him as a final resort, but he’d ask about that later. “How so?”

Phil smirked. “I don’t usually show up at their houses and drink lemonade with them,” he said. “None them are as pretty as you, either.”

Dan felt his face heat up at Phil’s words as he smiled timidly down at his drink, shaking the glass a bit and watching it’s contents swirl around. “Well, I definitely feel special, now.”

Dan looked up to see Phil grinning, clearly pleased with himself for making the Blue armed man so flustered. “You should, I reckon.”

A few moments of silence ensued during which the two seemed to both be staring out the big window of Dan’s lounge, watching as a few droplets of rain began to fall from the sky. Afterwards, Phil straightened his back a bit and leaned forward, bringing back a topic of conversation that Dan had been hoping to avoid. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about what happened today? You seem pretty tense,” offered Phil, voicing an observation about Dan that he, himself, hadn’t even been aware of. 

Dan relaxed his shoulders as much as he could, sinking back into the cushions of the chair behind him. “I’m not tense,” he argued. 

Phil raised an eyebrow. “You’re bouncing your leg, Dan.” Dan glanced down and noticed that he was indeed bouncing his leg vigorously up and down. If he continued at that rate, he’d have one incredibly buff leg and another noodle one. “Seriously, you don’t have to talk about it at all if you don’t want. I mean we’ve only officially known each other for like, twenty four hours, but I’d like to get to know you. And as much as lemonade and sunshine is nice and all, I know that’s not always reality.”

Dan felt the bridge of his nose begin the pinch, the all too familiar sensation signaling that tears were about to spill at any second. Why did he have to be so emotional today? Instead of letting said emotion control him, he simply nodded yes. “Okay,” he said, his voice just above a whisper in an attempt to keep it stable. 

“Are you sure?” Asked Phil. 

Dan nodded again. “Yeah.”

Phil gave Dan an encouraging smile, one that held both the push of wanting to know what was bothering Dan, but also the assurance that if he couldn’t, then Phil would be there for him. 

“Um, so I was working at that café I mentioned earlier, Cate’s Coffee Shop, and I was actually having a really good day. Like, I didn’t feel as . . . weird about going to work, y'know?” Dan wasn’t actually sure if he knew. Phil had never mentioned having a job before. Regardless, the black haired man nodded. “Well it was all going really good, but then, like twenty minutes before my shift ended, I swear to gods, this guy walks in.”

Dan clenched his fists at the mention of Robbie, knowing he would have to explain his significance to the situation in order for Phil to understand. 

“His name is, uh, Robbie Malcolm. He was my little brother’s friend until he . . . Never mind. I guess we’ll get into that later.” Dan really wasn’t too keen on jumping into the subject of his baby brother quite yet. “Anyway, I don’t really have very good memories associated with him, and–“

“‘Him’ being Robbie?” Phil asked curiously, clearly wanting to keep the story straight. There was a millisecond where Dan wanted to slap him for insinuating that Dan might not have had a good relationship with his brother, but then he quickly remembered that Phil didn’t know him. He didn’t know anything about him, or his past, or his worries, so Dan couldn’t really blame him for being curious. 

“Yeah,” he answered. “Robbie did some pretty shitty stuff when we were all younger, so when he came in and tried to start a conversation with me, I completely freaked out. And I guess I just . . . I got really upset. That’s all.”

Phil nodded slowly. Even with Dan’s incredibly brief explanation, he seemed to get it to at least some extent. “Did he leave?”

“Yeah, my boss went and yelled at him while I hid in the staff lounge like a fucking baby.” 

Phil frowned. “Hey, having emotions doesn’t make you a baby. It just makes you human.”

Dan looked down, feeling guilty for saying such a thing when he knew Phil was right, however it was still how he felt. He felt silly, and petty, and unjustified in his angry and upset feelings. Of course he knew that admitting this would do nothing to stop him from feeling this any time soon, but it was true. Dan felt like maybe he’d overreacted to seeing Robbie, but that didn’t mean he could’ve stopped it. 

“Having emotions sucks,” Dan concluded aloud, looking up and smiling weakly at Phil, who matched the expression before polishing off his lemonade. 

“I can’t argue with you there.”

A clap of thunder tore through the sky outside, causing them both to visibly jump at the harsh sound. Phil laughed at their mutual reaction, though behind the melodic stream of his laughter he looked to be a bit worried as well. 

“You okay?” Dan wondered, making sure that Phil wasn’t like himself; afraid of thunderstorms, because he was already beginning to feel on edge, and having two anxious people in the same house probably wouldn’t be the best of scenarios. 

Phil laughed, nervously this time, as he stood from the soft couch and rubbed at his neck with his right hand. “Uh, yeah. I was just thinking that I should probably get going now, before the storm gets too bad. I have to walk.”

Dan wished he had a car. He wished that one didn’t have to be so grossly rich and wealthy to own something as convenient as a mode of transportation other than their own legs. He wanted so badly to offer Phil a ride home as a thank you for letting him talk about his day, but he couldn’t. 

“Phil, you can’t walk home in this,” he protested instead, motioning with his still uniform clad arm at the rapidly pouring rain outside the window. “It’s too dangerous!”

As he watched the torrential downpour through water streaked glass, Phil bit his lip. “I have to.”

At this point, after going so far as to let Phil into his own home and drink lemonade from his own glass, Dan couldn’t find it in himself to give less of a fuck about pushing the limits further. Honestly, he was quite curious as to seeing when said limit would smarten up and break, but that would only be determined through experimentation, he figured.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Phil,” Dan exclaimed, having now stood up to match the tall ravenette’s stance. “Stay here the night, please. I don’t want to risk losing my only friend due to a bleeding thunderstorm! That’ll only make my astraphobia stronger!” 

Phil worried his long fingers together, looking like he was maybe actually considering accepting the curly haired boy’s offer. 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude.”

Dan rolled his eyes, smiling at Phil’s dumb remark. “Phil, if you hadn’t noticed already, I don’t really care too much for personal space with you. And this is a matter of your safety. Please, stay the night. Or at the very least until it stops raining.”

Sighing, Phil smiled softly at Dan’s forceful yet so incredibly caring attitude. He nodded reluctantly, sitting back down when Dan did the same. “Fine, okay. Thank you, Dan.”

“Shut up, Phil. Now do you want hot chocolate or coffee?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Kudos and comments are appreciated <3


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really hard to write for no other reason than the fact that I’m currently enduring a bad depressive episode, so I’m sorry if it’s not the best. 
> 
> Regardless, I hope you enjoy, and thank you for reading :)

“Your sofa is so comfy,” spoke Phil as he pulled the knit blanket Dan had brought him up to his chest. 

Dan, who was already fully wrapped up in his own blankets, smiled softly down at his coffee mug, relishing in the way it made his fingers so warm they were almost numb –in a good way. “Thanks, my mum picked it out. Maybe she knew there would be a wild Phil sleeping on it in the future,” he replied, glancing up at his guest with warm eyes. 

The storm hadn’t let up at all in the past few hours, meaning that Phil would indeed be crashing on the sofa tonight. Something about their current positions both on said piece of furniture felt very intimate. It was odd, really. They weren’t physically touching in any way whatsoever, each curled up in their respective corners, but the detail that they were both so comfortable and cozy almost made Dan feel vulnerable. He wondered if maybe Phil felt the same, seeing as he’d told Dan earlier that it wasn’t often that he stayed at a Blue’s house. 

However that didn’t mean he didn’t do this with Reds. For all Dan knew, Phil might spend very few nights at his own home. After all, it was most often in the beginning that Dan saw Phil when the stars were out and the sky was dark, only having very recently seen him during the day. 

“Your mum is clearly psychic.”

Dan snapped his head up, tilting it to the left as he looked at the raven haired man in confusion. “Hmm?” He hummed. Had he missed something?

“You said your mum picked the sofa out, and that she must’ve known you’d have company,” he explained, eyeing Dan curiously. “You okay? Your head must’ve been somewhere else.”

Dan nodded, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. “Yeah, I’m just thinkin’,” Dan said. 

“About me?” Asked Phil playfully, reaching his socked foot out to poke Dan in the thigh. 

Dan giggled, pitch higher than he would’ve liked. “Yeah, sorta. What were you thinking about?” 

“Your psychic mum, obviously,” Phil laughed, retracting his foot and tucking it back under his bottom. 

At the second mention of his mum, Dan realized that he hadn’t spoken with her since last Saturday morning on the phone. It was unusual for them to skip out on conversation for almost a week, a fact which just made Dan feel guilty. He made a mental note to remember to call her once Phil left. 

“We should head to bed soon, yeah?” He asked Phil. It was only a quarter to eight, which was relatively early in terms of going to sleep, especially for Dan, but something about the rhythmic drumming of the rain outside was making his eyelids heavy and his head feel a bit light. There hadn’t been too much thunder after the first initial strikes, so Dan wasn’t all too worried about his anxiety. In fact he was feeling rather calm, serene, even. 

Phil nodded, though Dan could tell he clearly wasn’t as exhausted as himself. “Sorry to be a killjoy, I’m just really tired. I’d stay up, but I don’t think my eyes’ll be able to stay open for much longer,” Dan laughed. 

“Don’t worry about it. I’m tired, too. And besides, you’ve had a tough day. You need a good sleep so you’ll feel better tomorrow.”

Dan smiled appreciatively at Phil. “Thanks.” Hauling himself up and off of the sofa was proven to be a difficult task, seeing as his limbs were beginning to feel a bit like jelly. He grabbed his now empty coffee mug, carrying it into the kitchen and dropping it into the sink along with the two bowls and forks from their dinner of leftover pasta. Thankfully, Phil really wasn’t too picky when it came to food, which was good because Dan wasn’t the type to overstock on unnecessary and special foods. The only request he’d had was that any cheese stay at least a foot away from him at all times, or else he would get up and walk out the door and into the rain –no joke, the guy was serious about his cheese. 

“Do you want me to do up the dishes?” Asked Phil as he followed behind Dan into the kitchen.

Dan was quick to shake his head no. He wouldn’t have bothered with them even if he’d been alone, so there was really no point in making his guest do them. “Nah, I’ll do them on Saturday. I don’t make a lot of dishes, so I usually just wait until there’s enough for washing them to be worth it,” he explained.

Nodding slowly, Phil leaned against the counter. “Oh, alright.”

“But thank you for offering,” Dan smiled and earned himself a smile in return. 

Heading back into the lounge, Dan made a mental note of things Phil would need tonight. There were definitely enough –if not more than enough– blankets already littered on and around the sofa, but all the throw pillows were too chunky and uncomfortable to sleep on. Dan and his once sore neck would know from personal experience. He was positive that there was a spare toothbrush in the bathroom cabinet, and he was more than okay with lending the raven haired man a pair of sweats and and a t-shirt to sleep in. 

“Come into my room, I’ll get you some pyjamas and a toothbrush,” Dan said as he continued walking down the short hallway past the lounge and into his large and yet so seemingly small master bedroom, flipping the light switch as he entered. 

Phil trailed behind him, footsteps quiet as they always were. Dan wondered if that was just another Phil quirk, or if maybe he’d grown up in an environment where walking silently was necessary. 

Rummaging through his dresser as Phil leaned against the doorframe, Dan eventually pulled out a pair of grey sweatpants and a plain, pale green t-shirt. He was fairly positive they’d fit, seeing as Phil was quite tall and similar in build to himself, probably even the same height. 

Tossing the clothes to Phil, who gratefully accepted with a kind “thank you”, he then gestured for the latter to follow him into his thankfully well kept bathroom, scanning the cabinet quickly before spotting the spare unopened toothbrush laying on its side. 

“There you go,” Dan spoke triumphantly as he handed Phil the toothbrush as well. It may have seemed like a small feat, but Dan was proud of himself for being such a responsible entertainer to his unexpected guest. He mentally patted himself on the back before exiting the washroom and leaving Phil to get ready for bed in privacy. While alone, Dan remembered the pillow situation, panicking a moment as he realized that he did not in fact keep spare pillows in the house. Shit. 

The extra pillow on his bed would have to do, he thought before grabbing it from beside his own and dropping it into the couch just as Phil emerged from the bathroom. 

“Thanks for letting me use your stuff,” Phil smiled, walking over to meet Dan by the sofa. As expected, Phil was indeed wearing his clothes, and Dan was barely holding back the urge to comment that they looked far, far better on Phil. 

“Yeah, no problem at all,” returned Dan. The two stood in an awkward silence for a few seconds then, nothing to be heard except for the still teeming rain outside. 

“Goodnight, then.”

“Goodnight, Phil.”

That night after Dan retreated back into his own bedroom, he began to feel a whole lot more lonely than he had a mere half hour earlier. It was as if Dan was cursed, bad things only happening to him in the least convenient of moments– like now. Not five minutes after Dan settled himself under the comfort of his duvet, the rain began to pick up, its falling no longer a rhythmic tune but instead a violent attack of sorts. He could hear it hitting the ground outside and the roof above him, the rain falling at such a velocity that it began to feel like a personal threat aimed directly at Dan’s unconscious mind. 

Call him crazy, but Dan knew that if the weather kept on like this then his dreams would manifest themselves to fit a narrative such as the roar of a terrifying stampede or the neverending drumroll before the act he’d feared to see entered the stage, said act being the dreaded thunder that was sure to come. 

Just as Dan thought about it, a crack of thunder tore through the sky, so loud and startling that Dan involuntarily felt himself release a pathetic whimper as he curled in on himself, clutching tightly at the underside of his pillow. 

His anxiety was on high, both the smallest of creaks and the loudest of moans from the sky making him want to jump from his skin and run away– but he couldn’t move.

After a torturously drawn out while, the thunder seemed to come to a stop, though Dan didn’t feel the least bit compelled to release his death grip on his pillow, nor did he deem it safe to exhale the breath of anxious air his lungs held. 

In times like these, he’d normally pull his other pillow close to his chest, hugging it tightly and imagining it was someone else– someone who could keep him safe and protect him from the horrid weather on the other side of his bedroom wall. But unfortunately for him, Phil was using his extra pillow, and he couldn’t just steal that from under his head, even if he could bring himself to stand on his own two feet without shaking so terribly. 

In his terrified and desperate state, he nearly considered asking Phil to come sleep with him. Luckily for him, though, he still had at least some remainder of a coherent mind left that was reminding him that was a bad idea. 

It wasn’t even as if he had the option to take something to calm himself down. His meds were all kept in the bathroom cabinet, and he’d been so preoccupied helping Phil that he hadn’t even thought to take any before heading to sleep. Gods, who he would kill right now for a melatonin. 

Eventually, and by some grand miracle, Dan finally managed to fall asleep, despite his only company being the harsh pattering of the storm outside. And to his pleasant surprise, he didn’t even dream of anything scary. In place of the usual thunder induced nightmare, was the serene depiction of himself and someone else –someone with black hair and blue eyes– out in the field, legs crossed in front of them as they sat side by side watching the clouds above. 

The remnants of his dream being foggy like usual, he remembered little details except for the formation of one particular cloud that floated directly above his dreamy form. 

Soft white tendrils of cloud slowly swirled and compacted delicately together to create an image, one of an insect that Dan was sure he’d only ever seen in film and when his little brother had taken him on hiking adventures out to the pond by their grandparents’ home. Fragile whisps drew together to form four wings and a long, thin body, gradually coming together to paint the beautifully ominous picture of a dragonfly. 

What this meant, Dan wasn’t sure, but that’s all he had to go by. 

—

When Dan awoke, his first coherent thought was to get up and get ready for work. Pulling himself up out of his warm cocoon with much difficulty, he began his morning routine as he sauntered down the short stretch of hallway and into the bathroom to brush his teeth, wracking his brain to try and remember why on earth there was a second neon pink toothbrush in his holder, to no avail. 

As he soon finished with minty fresh breath and the sleep from his eyes gone, Dan dragged his socked feet into the lounge, pausing in his tracks at the sight of a tall man in his own clothes sat on his own sofa, reading his own shitty romance novel. And then it came crashing back. 

“G’morning, Phil,” Dan spoke quietly, voice still a bit groggy with the weight of sleep. 

Phil turned his head, bookmarking his page in the book before responding just as sleepily to Dan’s greeting. “Morning, Dan. I hope you don’t mind, I started reading your book,” spoke Phil as he pushed his messy black quiff further up on his forehead. 

Dare he say it, Dan thought Phil looked rather sexy in the morning. 

“I don’t care,” he spoke honestly. “Just so you know, though, that books sucks ass.”

Phil laughed quietly, a sound rather calming compared to the insistent screeching of an alarm clock that most people woke up to each morning. Lucky Dan, he supposed. 

“Well you’re cynical, aren’t you?”

“I haven’t had my coffee yet,” Dan explained, half true. Sure Dan hadn’t had his morning coffee yet, but caffeinated or not, Dan’s opinion on any book like that would remain the same. 

At the mention of coffee, the landline phone rang, startling the both of them out of their sleepy morning states. 

“Hello?” Dan spoke, answering the caller. 

“Good morning, Howell. How’re you feeling today?” Asked a familiar and caring voice, a bit raspy from years of smoking cigarettes and drinking too much black coffee. 

“Hey, Cate,” Dan greeted his boss. “I’m feeling pretty good today, actually.” He glanced over quickly in Phil’s direction. “How’re you?” 

Through the line he heard Cate’s sigh of relief, probably glad to hear that Dan wasn’t still a panic infested mess. “Peachy, Howell. I actually can’t talk long, but I was just calling to let you know that you don’t need to come into work. Ted actually decided to show up today.”

This came as a bit of a surprise to Dan. Ted never came into work unless he either needed extra cash or he was called in by Cate –regardless of the fact that just like everyone else, he did have a work schedule. Cate never seemed to mind though, because when Ted came in he worked hard and she only ever payed him for those hours. 

“Oh, alright. Tell Ted I say hi, I guess.”

“Sure. Enjoy your long weekend!” She spoke enthusiastically. Dan could imagine the eccentric woman leant against the counter with her cheek in her palm, her bored face probably betraying her tone and not the other way around. 

“Turns out I’m off today,” Dan summarized the call to Phil after hanging up.

Phil twisted his body to peek over the back of the sofa, resting his long, bare arms over the side lazily. “I’ll be getting out of your hair then.”

“Really? You’re more than welcome to stay if you’ve nowhere else to be.” That, and Dan genuinely liked Phil, if that wasn’t already blatantly clear. Sure, Dan had a few thing he could get done today, but maybe he’d do them with Phil if the latter happened to be interested in such. 

“You sure?” Asked Phil, silently tapping his fingers against the smooth material of the sofa’s back. 

Dan nearly laughed at Phil. They might’ve only known each other for a few days, but Phil should’ve known by now that Dan wasn’t seeing him out of guilt or boredom. Clearly, Phil was at least half as self conscious as Dan, himself. Gods, he wanted to scream at Phil. 

“Please?” He begged instead. It only occurred to him after, how pathetic he seemed right now, but he honestly couldn’t bring himself to care all that much. 

Phil seemed to be contemplating his answer for a moment, staring down at the wooden floors before returning his focus to Dan and answering his query. “Yeah, okay.”

It was now a few short hours later, Dan and Phil both fully caffeinated and properly dressed for the pleasant weather outside. In comparison to the raging storm that the city had endured the night before, this warm, breezy weather felt like an assuring embrace, one that Dan was gratefully accepting with open arms at the moment. In the meantime, as opposed to sitting cooped up inside for any longer than necessary, the two men of contrasting colours had migrated out onto the back porch, bringing with them Dan’s picnic blanket and two tall glasses of lemonade. 

“Do you think ants have feelings like we do?” Phil wondered aloud, tilting his head to the side curiously as his greyish blue eyes followed intently after a little, black ant which was currently crawling across the aged wood of the porch.

Dan cocked an eyebrow, unable to stop the small giggle that erupted from his throat as he watched Phil frown when the small insect crawled into a crack in the wood, disappearing. 

“No, Phil. I don’t think they do,” he spoke in answer to the Red’s question. 

“You lied,” responded Phil, confusing Dan with his deadpan tone. 

“Huh?”

“You’re still cynical after coffee.”

Dan laughed wholeheartedly, shaking his head fondly at the near-stranger beside him. He was right, though– cynicism doesn’t stop for any caffeine intake, no matter how big or small.

“Shut up,” he smiled, pushing gently at Phil’s shoulder as the other laughed along with him. 

Another ten minutes passed of Phil asking strange questions that made Dan rethink the meaning of existence and drinking too sweet lemonade in the welcoming warmth of the outdoor air. 

“Do you want to go shopping with me?” 

Phil looked over at Dan, placing his empty glass on the porch beside him. “Shopping?”

“Yeah, like at the grocery store downtown. I know it’s a weird thing to do with your new kind-of-friend, but I need milk in a bad way.”

“Let’s go shopping, then.”

Walking up the dirt road to the town is proven to be slightly more tolerable when the trip isn’t made alone. That, and due to the previous night’s unforgiving amounts of rain, most of the dust and dirt that would usually be rising up and into to Dan’s lungs was still mostly compressed and sticking on the ground. 

On the walk, the two noticed several small trees and branches sprawled haphazardly along the grass and dirt, large and sharp splinters from the broken branches only proving to be dangerous when Dan accidentally tripped on one, luckily doing nothing more than hurting his foot a bit in the process. Phil, of course, had merely laughed at Dan’s clumsiness and helped him back to his feet, mentioning how he was usually the clumsy one in any situation. 

As their surroundings slowly developed into something more urban rather than the rural that Dan was mostly used to, he noticed that Phil looked almost scared. His eyes were wide in an expression that Dan couldn’t decipher between surprised or wary– or maybe a bit of both. It was understandable, though. Phil had probably grown up in some shifty neighbourhood where the closest thing to luxury was a clean convenience store where the lights didn’t flicker, and now he was walking through an entire division of that. 

Dan sometimes wondered if it was wrong to resent what he’d been given as a right of being a ‘good’ person. There was an entire half of the population that had been dealt a positively shitty hand, one that had basically condemned them to near poverty and crime, and yet here Dan was feeling sorry for himself because he didn’t quite fit in. How pathetic was that? It made him think that maybe Phil would grow to dislike him if he found out just how much Dan took his Blue privileges for granted. 

Speaking of Phil, the tall ravenette was currently pushing a metal shopping cart in front of him as the two slowly made their way up and down the various aisles of the grocery store. Dan’s job was to place the groceries into the cart, every few seconds glancing down at the decently long shopping list he’d made quickly before heading out. 

As they passed through the dairy aisle, Phil made a face while Dan placed a block of marble cheese into the cart he was pushing. 

“Oh shove off,” Dan spoke teasingly. “Some of us actually have good taste in food.”

Phil stuck his tongue out in response, nudging the block of cheese as far away from him in the cart as possible. “You’re gross.”

“Says you.”

After the two had finished gathering everything on Dan’s list –with the addition of two water bottles for their way back to his house– they moved to wait in the ridiculously long lineup for checkout. Still only half way to the front of the line, Dan scanned the area around them out of boredom, his eyes landing on a familiar lady with salt and pepper hair, one who was staring at the two with beady eyes and pursed lips.

Dan instantly recognized her as one of the ladies from the café that he’d spoken with last Friday in regards to the fires. If her gaze proved anything, it was that she was unimpressed and maybe even a bit disturbed. By what, Dan wasn’t sure. Well, he wasn’t sure until he remembered that he was stood in the middle of a predominately Blue filled grocery store with a Red by his side. 

How insanely rude and disrespectful was it, Dan thought, that a woman who barely knew him was so clearly showcasing her unwanted and unnecessary disapproval of a situation that she had no business in. He was as good as a stranger to the woman, and yet the dirty look she gave him would make anyone believe that she might be significant to any decision making in his life. 

Dan scoffed, unintentionally catching Phil’s attention as he narrowed his eyes in the lady’s direction. 

“You okay?” Asked Phil, seeming concerned as he followed Dan’s gaze to the rude salt and pepper haired woman. “Oh.” He must’ve seen the way she looked at him then, shaking her head in distaste and scrunching up her face in an ugly way. 

“She can fuck off,” grumbled Dan, shaking his own head as he returned his eyes to the moving line in front of him, pulling the cart along with him. 

Phil stepped forward as well, eyes still on the lady as he frowned. 

Dan got an idea, then. Leaning in closer to Phil, he whispered; “in the spirit of pissing her off, wanna put your arm around me?” 

Phil looked confused for a millisecond before he smirked deviously, clearly feeling the same distaste for the woman that Dan felt. Within a few seconds more, Phil’s tattooed right arm was wrapped loosely around Dan’s middle, the latter bringing his own left hand up to rest of Phil’s shoulder as he glanced back at Salt and Pepper. The two made eye contact, and if her eyes said disapproval, then his clearly spelled out that he couldn’t give less of a fuck about what she thought. 

“Is she looking?” Phil whispered. 

Dan chuckled. “Yeah, thanks.”

After separating from their close proximity to pay for Dan’s groceries and load them into the few bags he had brought, Dan and Phil began their walk back to his home. 

This time, they were both extra careful to avoid tripping on any branches on the way.

Arriving back at the house, Dan pushed open the still creaky front door before lugging his groceries into the kitchen and dropping them on the floor. 

“Shit,” Phil muttered, his eyes locked on the stove’s digital clock that read five o’clock. 

“Are you alright?” Asked Dan, confused. 

“Yeah, but I, uh, have to go home. I was supposed to be helping my brother with something really important like twenty minutes ago.”

Dan frowned. “Oh, alright. You go then, I don’t want you to be even later than you already are.”

“Are you sure you don’t need any help putting away your groceries?” He asked, biting his lip afterwards. 

Shaking his head, Dan smiled at Phil. Why did he have to be so kind? “No, no. I can do it.”

“Okay. Thanks for letting me stay last night and today. I really appreciate that,” thanked Phil, his eyes and tone gentle and genuine. 

“Thank you for keeping me company, you dork.”

And then as quickly as he’d appeared the day before, Phil was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank for reading !! Kudos and comments are appreciated :)


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya !! I’ve been riding on a wave of inspiration lately, so I actually finished this chapter the day after posting ch 5 (thank you for all the lovely comments, those made my week so much easier) !! Hope you enjoy !!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: pretty realistic (at least for me) descriptions of depression thoughout this chapter + some mentions of losing people to fires. If you can’t read through this then please feel free to either comment so or message me on tumblr (@danssmile) and I’ll give you a chapter summary !!

Nearly twenty four boring hours had passed since Dan had last seen Phil, most of which time he’d spent unnecessarily cleaning his home in an attempt to keep himself busy. Why? Because Dan could feel an uneven weight pressing gently on his his chest, it’s pressure becoming more and more until it would eventually be so overwhelming as to crush Dan’s rib cage. 

This feeling was like the overwhelming heat and humidity before a vicious thunderstorm, or the tension and angry buildup of an end-all fight between two lovers, and Dan was certainly no stranger to this suffocating sensation. It was a burden of a something that he experienced every now and then; sometimes less and sometimes more. Now, it felt as though it was most definitely leading up to more, but it felt different than normal– like it was going to take longer for the grey rain cloud above his head to gather water. 

The pressing sensation hadn’t begun until a few hours after Dan’s houseguest had left to do his important task for his brother, leaving Dan to eat dinner alone, sit in the lounge alone, and drink wine alone. This shouldn’t have thrown him off too much, though. After all, Dan was used to doing everything by himself. Friday night should’ve been no different than any other. 

But for whatever the reason may have been, the absence of someone else on his sofa and another empty glass on his side table was throwing him off balance monumentally. 

It rather frightened Dan, knowing that he was so prone to becoming attached to people he’d just met, such as Phil. The two had probably spent less than thirty hours together in total and Dan was already desperate for Phil to mean something in his oh so tasteless life. He knew it was dangerous, placing any amount of faith in Phil when the near stranger could at any time decide that he really didn’t give two fucks about Dan or being in his life. 

Maybe when the world talked about trying new things and taking risks, this isn’t what they had in mind, but it wouldn’t stop Daniel Howell and his foolish heart from pursuing a new and only friend. No, he needed one of those more than he needed food at this point. 

One might argue that what he had with Cate could be considered a friendship, but Dan knew that she was really more of a motherly figure than a best friend. Sure, he did feel like he could tell her mostly everything about his life, but he could do that with his own mum as well. Phil felt more like someone he could go on walks with, share nihilistic jokes with, and maybe even just have around without any explanation of why he wasn’t smiling as brightly today. 

Phil felt easy, and Dan needed easy in his life. 

Regardless, no matter how many times Dan tried to focus on how wonderful a steady friendship with the Red would be, the weighted feeling on his chest didn’t loosen its hold on his ability to relax. So instead, he was currently trying to shove the entirety of his bedsheets, the cover to his comforter, and his pillowcases into his too small washing machine with much difficulty. 

“Just go in the fucking thing,” he muttered frustratedly as he used both of his large hands to push the dirty linens into the barrel of the washer. 

It seemed that every time he tried to scrunch more up into the already full space, more would come tumbling out. Eventually, after a few more painstakingly long minutes, Dan was finally able to manage getting the entire load in without any spilling out, shutting the glass door with remarkable speed, especially for this sluggish pre-depression Dan. 

He pressed the few simple buttons to start up the load of laundry, leaning with his back against the door of the machine and sighing afterwards. Just then, after finally being able to relax again, the landline phone he’d been carrying around with him all day began to ring. Early on in the morning, Dan had called his mum to chat, instead being met by an awkward recording of her voice as she told him that she wasn’t around at the moment and to leave a message. He’d told her to call back whenever she got the message, and knowing in advance that he’d be too lazy to migrate all the way to the kitchen from wherever he might’ve been to retrieve the phone, he just decided to shove it in his hoodie pocket and bring it with him. 

“Hi, mum,” he answered, pressing the device to his left ear. 

“Good afternoon, dear. How are you?” Him mum asked with an oddly polite undertone to her usually easygoing voice. 

“Um, I’m alright, I suppose.” Not really a lie, but not quite the whole truth either. “You?”

Sigh number one. Rather early on in the call, and a dramatic one too, Dan noted. “Your father won’t stop moaning about having to retire and my only son didn’t bother to call me for an entire week! I feel betrayed, irrelevant, tossed aside, Daniel. Like dirty laundry, or leftovers!”

Okay, never mind. There was nothing abnormal about this phone call after all. 

Dan laughed, leaning back against the cool metal of the washer and letting it’s light vibrations massage the knots in his back. “Oh my, however will you survive like this?” He asked dramatically, rolling his eyes. “Also, I must say that I’m offended. Firstly, leftovers are great. And secondly, you didn’t call to check up on me once this week. I could’ve been dead!”

“Such a dramatic child,” she sighed, an equal mix of adoration and amusement coming through the receiver. “I just assumed that if you hadn’t thought to call then you must be having a good week. Am I wrong?”

Dan chuckled humorlessly, the sound dry.

“Well, actually, I had a panic attack on Thursday in the middle of the café, and now I can feel a depressive episode coming on. So no, my week hasn’t been overly great.”

“Oh, dear. I’m so sorry to hear this,” his mum cooed. “But why didn’t you call me, then? You know I’m always happy to talk with you.”

Dan contemplated telling his mum about Phil, about how he made Dan a bit more distracted from his issues and a bit less likely to feel low. She’d probably be really happy to know that Dan had made a sort-of-friend, but then again, telling her that his sort-of-friend was a trespassing Red with deviant tendencies was maybe not the best way to get a positive reaction from her. 

“I would’ve, I promise, but I made a friend, kind of. We’ve been hanging out a bit this week and it’s really helped to distract me from. . . Everything,” Dan explained, leaving out quite a few major details. 

As expected, when his mother spoke she did sound quite delighted and curious about this news. “Oh, that’s wonderful, love! What’s her name?” 

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed at that question. Why would she assume it was a girl unless– oh. Right. 

“Uh, no, mum. He’s actually a boy, and he’s strictly just a friend.” Dan wasn’t sure if what he heard was a relieved sigh because he and Phil weren’t romantic, or a disappointed sigh due to the fact that he wouldn’t be bringing some pretty girl home to meet her anytime soon. Either way, it made Dan feel small. 

“Okay. Well, anyway, does this friend of yours have a name?” 

Should Dan tell her? He wondered, chewing habitually on his bottom lip. He figured that there was no way she’d be able to do some sort of background check on him, so there was really no reason not to give her a name to put to the character. “His name’s Phil.”

“What a lovely name,” his mum spoke softly, as if he’d just told her the name of a baby or something of the like. “Well, you can tell him that he’s gotten really lucky to win a friend like you.”

Laughing genuinely again this time, Dan shook his head fondly at his mother’s attempt to make him feel special. “Sure, mum. I’ll be sure to tell him that next time he stops by,” he laughed sarcastically.

“You better.” He could hear the smile in her voice. “Oh! And by the way, did you hear about the other fire yesterday evening?” 

Dan’s breath hitched fearfully in his throat, his smile dropping. With speak of the fires, usually came speak of Reds, and Dan didn’t exactly trust himself right now to not say something in context to Phil. 

“Hmm, no, I didn’t,” Dan answered in hopes not to sound to inconspicuous. 

Clearly, his mum didn’t seem to notice, continuing on anyway. “Well, apparently another one was set around a quarter to six yesterday. You didn’t hear?”

A quarter to six. Phil had left his house at around five the day prior, and depending on how far away the walk from Dan’s house to his own was, Phil could’ve potentially crossed paths with said fire. Dan was suddenly once again aware of the suffocating pressing on his chest, his stomach beginning to feel unsettled as well. What if Phil had accidentally witnessed someone starting the fire and they’d hurt him somehow? Or even worse, what if Phil had been caught in the burning heat of the wild flames?

Maybe Dan was overreacting. He didn’t know where the fire had taken place, or if Phil would’ve even had to cross through that area at any point to get home, but he did know that he hadn’t heard from Phil at all in the last day, and something about that made him feel deeply unsettled. 

“Dan?” 

“Er, no– I didn’t hear. Where did it happen?” 

“Down south from you, maybe half an hour away? I don’t know the exact one, but it was near one of those smaller Red communities . . . Why so interested, dear?”

Dan shook his head dismissively even though she couldn’t see him, laughing, though the sound held no real conviction. “No reason. I’ve got to go, though, mum. It was nice chatting with you.”

“You too, love. Stay safe.”

—

Dan spent an antagonizing three days worrying profusely about Phil’s safety, and Phil hadn’t shown his face at all since Friday. No matter how hard he tried, Dan was unable to get the image of something –anything– bad happening to his friend, the grim thoughts only worsening the gradually tightening hand over his chest. In regards to the awful pressing feeling, it hadn’t loosened its grip on his lungs and heart at all. 

When Dan had felt as though this feeling was very slowly leading up to more, worse feeling, he’d been right. On Monday morning, getting up and going to work had felt like more of a chore for the first time in a while. He’d been awfully sluggish as he trudged along the dirt road that would eventually lead to a slightly greater civilization, his immune system not seeming to work all that well as he sneezed and sniffled the entire way to the café. His allergies were most definitely working up– in fact they were working overtime. 

By the time he actually made it to the entrance of Cate’s Coffee Shop, his nose was as good as absent, probably more red than usual, too. The moment his boss spotted him from inside the building and along with him his lethargic movements and sleepy eyes, she pulled him into the back of the quaint shop and sat him down in one of the ugly arm chairs. 

“You alright?” She asked skeptically after bringing him a warm cup of black coffee and sitting down in the chair next to his. 

Dan shrugged, keeping his eyes low. He was afraid that if he looked up at Cate then she might see right through him, though he was rather stupid to think that she couldn’t already. “I’m alright.”

She seemed worried, but Cate knew what was best for Dan when he got like this. “Okay,” she mumbled. Running a hand over Dan’s hair to smooth back the messy curls and pressing a kiss to the skin of his forehead. “I’m gonna go open up. You finish your coffee and then come out when you’re ready, ‘kay?”

Dan offered Cate a kind smile, though it was really just an upward twitch in the corner of his lips. Good enough, he supposed. “Yeah.”

“I’ll be back to check on you in a few minutes.”

“Thank you.”

When he returned home that afternoon, he was greeted with the pleasant surprise of a certain raven haired Red on his creaky porch, his chin resting ungracefully in his palm. Dan felt so many emotions upon seeing Phil again for the first time in three days. He felt so relieved that he was okay, he wanted to hug him tight and tell him to never fucking do that to Dan ever again. That being said, a part of him also wanted to punch Phil square in the jaw for leaving and then failing to return regardless of the dangerous circumstances he could’ve faced. Dan couldn’t decide which action to follow up with. 

Phil stood to his feet, shifting his weight awkwardly between legs and waving sheepishly, like he knew what he’d done to Dan. 

“Hey,” he spoke nonchalantly. 

Dan couldn’t find it in himself to smile, no matter how happy he was to see Phil. So instead he just opted for his first instinct and moved forward until he was right in front of Phil and wrapped his arms tightly around the latter’s middle, holding onto him like that. His head was resting over Phil’s shoulder, his body pressed close to Phil’s without a single regard for personal space, whatever that was. 

He really wouldn’t even have cared if Phil hadn’t hugged him back, but he did, his arms rising to wrap tightly around Dan’s own back and shoulders. Maybe their close proximity was a reach for having only met a week or so ago, but Dan didn’t care. It was amazing, really, just how much Dan could not bring himself to care even the tiniest ounce about hugging a near stranger to his chest. 

“You’re a dumb fuck,” muttered Dan into the messily resting hood of Phil’s sweatshirt. 

The aforementioned chuckled softly beside Dan’s ear. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Phil still smelled of that strange scent that he couldn’t place– the one that reminded Dan of home–, but this time he also smelled of something else that Dan couldn’t put his finger on. Whatever it was, it was thick, and sharp, and it was familiar, however too diluted by Phil’s usual scent for Dan to identify it. 

As they pulled apart a few moments later, Dan pushed the familiar smell to the back of his mind, instead really looking over Phil for the first time in three days. He didn’t seem to be hurt in any way, nor was he dead, so that was a plus. However he did seem the slightest bit tense in the way he stood. 

“Are you okay?” Dan asked, concerned. 

Phil hummed in confirmation, forcing a smile. “Yeah, I just– I can’t stay long, but I need to tell you that I won’t be able to come round much over the next few days. Something happened with my brother a few nights ago and he really needs me right now,” he explained, twisting his fingers together in front of him. 

Dan was disappointed, he couldn’t lie, but he would be able to deal. Coincidentally, just as Dan thought about having to survive this upcoming episode of whatever would come without a friend, the dark and heavy rain cloud looming above his head peeked forward, a grim reminder of what Dan was about to dive straight into. 

“That’s okay,” Dan lied, smiling back just as fakely. 

“You sure?”

“Mmhm.”

“Okay, well I was thinking, and even though I have to stick around my brother, I’m probably gonna be pretty bored. Do you think I could by any chance borrow that book I was reading a few days ago?” Asked Phil nervously. 

Dan laughed. “You mean the one I told you was shit?”

Phil matched the action with the tune of his own melodic laughter. “Yeah, the one you told me was shit.”

“Sure. It’s still shit, though.”

“I’m counting on it. I need a good laugh.”

Ten minutes later and they were saying their goodbyes, Phil thanking Dan for the book and Dan thanking Phil for stopping by. Seeing the latter had eased Dan’s mind quite a bit, especially knowing now that he was not, in fact, greatly injured or burned to death somewhere in the fields by Dan’s home. He was alive, and he was safe, and he had even possessed the decency to let Dan know where he’d be, regardless of the fact that he’d only decided to let him in on said information now. 

There was still one thing, though, that made Dan’s stomach feel queasy and unsure. The detail being that strange smell that had been mixed with Phil’s usual musk. It was perfect in the way it suited Phil’s mysterious and peculiar personality, but it was odd in the way it made Dan feel weary and bit scared. 

Phil hadn’t always smelled of that, had he? Well, Dan supposed that it wasn’t everyday he stuffed his nose against Phil’s shoulder and breathed him in, but still. Whatever it was, it made him feel uneasy.

—

If Dan had been useless at work the day earlier, then he’d been downright absent the next day. His movements slow and his motives having taken the day off, Dan was over half an hour late to the café in the morning, merely offering a shrug when Cate asked why he hadn’t called to let her know he’d be missing for opening time. 

According to Cate, she’d been busy taking care of something at the bank while Dan was supposed to be opening the doors, her appointment running even later than usual. She’d been a bit shocked and a bit confused when she’d approached the building and seen a group of impatient Blues tapping their toes and glaring at their watches outside of the unopened café doors, wondering where in the world her employees were. As per usual, neither Jenni nor Ted had decided to show up, Jenni having called the night before as she would be babysitting her nieces the next day, but receiving full radio silence from Ted as usual. She’d been counting on Dan, and he’d failed to even show up until nearly forty five minutes after his shift was meant to begin. 

As could be expected, Cate wasn’t the happiest with Dan when he finally did make it to her coffee shop, but she definitely wasn’t blind to Dan’s nearing depressive episode. 

And of course, Dan had felt bad when she’d told him of her struggles that morning. It made him feel guilty and useless, and that was new when it came to his place of work. Dan was supposed to be the one employee that Cate could actually count on, and yet he’d abandoned her the one time she’d actually needed him. It was pathetic in Dan’s eyes, that he’d let her down and left her to fend off angry customers without so much as a helping hand– and all because he wasn’t feeling himself. 

He wanted to make himself small again. He wanted to curl in on himself and just stay that way. He didn’t want to cry, because how pathetic would that be? He didn’t want to defend himself, because that would be petty. He didn’t want to pretend it never happened, though either, because Cate deserved good people to work for her. 

Maybe he should quit, he thought. Maybe everyone at Cate’s Coffee Shop would be so much better if he wasn’t around. 

When he voiced this concern aloud to Cate that afternoon after helping her close up shop for the day, she nearly lost all control on him, balling her fists at her sides and giving him a pointed look. 

“Daniel Howell, I swear to gods. Don’t you ever say anything like that again, okay? You have a family here, and this family loves you. I know you’re going through something really tough right now, but I need you to be strong for me, okay?”

Dan nodded, but he wasn’t entirely convinced. 

Sighing heavily, Cate leaned against the wall opposite of where Dan stood. “Let’s talk about something nice, yeah?”

Dan nodded again. 

“How’s Phil?” 

“Haven’t seen much of him lately,” Dan shrugged. 

“Have you talked to him about the fires yet?” She asked nonchalantly, however seeming genuinely interested in Dan’s answer. 

The latter was confused. Why would he have asked Phil about the fires in the first place? “What?” 

“Well, I mean, he’s a Red, Dan. A Red who likes to show up on other people’s properties late at night. It must’ve crossed your mind that he might be behind this, no?” She explained, as though this was something Dan clearly must’ve been considering the whole while he’d known Phil. After all, it would make sense. Like Cate had brought up, Phil did have a suspicious tendency to trespass in other people’s backyards in the middle of the night, and he had never really disclosed any information about his everyday life, with the scarce exceptions of a few minor details. 

Phil setting the fires was completely in the realm of possibility when it came down to it, but Dan knew Phil. Maybe he’d only known him for a few full days, but he knew him. Dan knew that by his naturally caring and generous nature that Phil wouldn’t be able to do anything even remotely as cruel as committing arsen. Phil was kind, and empathetic, and so lovely. And whether it be actual solid facts or just Dan’s intuition speaking, he was convinced that Cate was wrong– Phil wasn’t behind the fires. 

“It’s not him.”

Cate gave him that same sympathetic look as she’d given him last week, the one that Dan didn’t fancy all that much. “If you say so. But maybe you should ask him if he knows anything. Okay, dear?”

Dan didn’t want to answer out loud because his voice would either come out weak or angry, and he didn’t want Cate to think he was either of those things. Instead, he nodded slowly, keeping his eyes glued to the floor. He wanted to go home and sleep, now.

As the rest of his overly gloomy day progressed without much of anything productive or routine taking place, Dan fell even deeper into the hole that was his depression. 

He didn’t feel like himself when he kicked his shoes off in the doorway, or when he carelessly dropped his things on the floor by the kitchen. He didn’t feel like Dan when he skipped dinner and instead opted to change into only his pants and a hoodie, his daytime clothes feeling too heavy and too constricting against his pale skin. 

He didn’t bother to shower, or brush his teeth, or even go to the washroom before he collapsed on his bed, burrowing deep under the covers despite it only being four in the afternoon. Sure the sun was out, and there were a few lonely birds singing, but Dan didn’t feel like Dan. Dan felt like an alien inside someone else’s body, or a ghost watching as the world around him continued on without him, not being able to touch, or taste, or talk. Only observe. 

So when the next dawn approached and Dan couldn't bring himself to leave his home, he called his boss to let her know that he wouldn’t be –no, couldn’t be– coming in for work that day. And then he went back to sleep. He forgot to eat until six in the evening, he disregarded emails and messages, he even forgot to go pee until his bladder was pressing down so heavily that it began to hurt. 

One thing he didn’t forget, however, was that there was a chance, however slim, that Phil might be involved in the fires outside his home. And that was enough to scare him back into hiding under the covers until this was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe like/reblog on tumblr (@danssmile) ? As always, kudos and comments are appreciated !! Have a lovely week !!


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sorry this is a few hours late but I saw All Time Low yesterday night and slept until 1pm, and I’m honestly not even fully awake yet. But Phil merch !! Wow !! There goes my life’s savings. 
> 
> Anyway, this chapter is an absolute mess of emotion and . . . Everything, so be warned. If you’re looking for something really happy and light hearted, this is not the chapter to be reading right now. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: lots of mention of Dan’s trust issues, brief mention of vomiting, and just a lot of betrayal being felt. If you can’t read it but want a summary, just message me on tumblr (@danssmile) or comment below :) 
> 
> (Also I’m just realizing that I think I’ve had to put a tw on the last three chapters oops) 
> 
> Enjoy !

Logic and faith are two completely different things, especially when the thing you believe in and the thing that evidence points to are also two very contrasting conclusions. 

Ever since Tuesday, Dan’s brain had been at battle with itself over whether Phil could possibly be guilty of starting the fires around the city. He’d be lying in bed, thinking about how lovely Phil seemed and how kind he was to all those around him, and his gut and heart would both come to the same conclusion that it couldn’t be him, that he was innocent. But then, at other times during his past episode, he’d be dragging his feet slowly from the bathroom to the lounge and he’d remember that no one is ever as they seem. No one can really be trusted in the grand scheme of things, and there wasn’t a single person breathing today who hadn’t ever told a lie. Those were times when he’d decided that Phil could totally be guilty, and just a very, very good liar. 

He was constantly tearing himself up between the stances of his heart and mind, and his current circumstances weren’t making things any easier. 

It was now the next Sunday, and Phil had kept to his promise of not being able to see Dan much at all throughout the week. He was still in the possession of Dan’s stupid harlequin romance novel, and though he didn’t necessarily want it back, he still wanted Phil to return it so that he could see him and finally get a straight answer to the question that had been bothering him for what felt like forever. 

He hadn’t gone in to work on Thursday, either, seeing as he was still enduring the worst of his stupid depressive episode, and Ted had been around to cover for him, so Cate hadn’t minded much. On Friday morning he’d decided that he felt just the slightest bit better, like maybe he didn’t want to make himself small and walk around his home like a zombie anymore, and went in to work. Cate, having not expected him to show at all, had already called in Jenni to work Dan’s shift, leaving each of them with a smaller load and easier work than usual– which was probably best in Dan’s still not-quite-there state. 

He’d left that day at the café feeling quite a bit less upset with everything around him. His mind was off of Phil’s possible crimes, he’d remembered to eat a normal amount at breakfast and lunch, and he’d even laughed with Cate for the first time in two whole days.

It was only on Saturday morning, when he was really beginning to get back into the swing of life again that he’d remembered the predicament at hand. So maybe he wasn’t as sad, but he was definitely still as on edge and worried. He’d spent most of the day doing the few chores that’d piled up in four day’s time, which included a lot of dishes and a lot of dirty comfort clothes being picked up off of the floor. 

Now that it was Sunday, he was still worrying, but not as much. Maybe it was the bright and sunny weather that had taken his mind away from his troubles, or the wispy clouds in the sky that seemed too beautiful to be upset around. Or maybe it was just that Dan had come to accept that not everyone was perfect, and perhaps your friends sometimes start fires on other people’s land for fun, whether you liked it or not. Either was a possibility, really. 

In all truthfulness, he was really just living in ignorance, because ignorance is bliss, is it not? By two in the afternoon he was beginning to wonder if he’d completely lost all traces of sanity, as he’d started making lighthearted conversation with two ladybirds who were brawling it out on his kitchen windowsill. 

“Why are you fighting?” He asked curiously as the two red and black spotty bugs crawled all over each other. 

One of the ladybirds that was slightly oranger in colour spread open it’s wings and flew up a few centimetres above the other, hovering for a moment as if to assert dominance before landing back on the sill. 

“Your flying buddy seems a little bit ticked off, huh?” He commented at the darker ladybird. “Did you do something to upset them?” 

Of course, he was met with no answer, however  
seeing as the ladybird he’d been aiming his last question at turned around and began to crawl in the opposite direction, he thought it might be safe to assume that the previously flying insect was a shit disturber, and that maybe the darker ladybird was making a good decision in walking away from a pointless fight. 

Or perhaps the oranger one was just angry at something the darker one had said to them, and they wanted to fight it out fair and square. 

It might’ve had something to do with Dan’s current subconscious search for purity and good, but he opted to believe in the first scenario. He liked the idea of that little red ladybird making a smart decision and walking away from the conflict before it escalated. 

“Maybe you should apologize,” Dan whispered to the orange bug, cupping his hand over his mouth so that the red one wouldn’t hear. And yes, he was in fact aware that neither of these small insects could probably understand what he was trying to tell them, but he chose to believe they could. “I don’t think you should ever go to sleep while in an argument,” he advised. 

Neither ladybird seemed to care, though, as they each took off in opposite directions, one flying out the window and the other making it’s way further into Dan’s house. He didn’t really mind– he knew he’d find it dead on a countertop somewhere in a couple of days. 

He turned quickly on his heel at the sound of creaky footsteps approaching the sliding door behind him, seeing as it would most likely either be some wild animal or a wild Phil. Dan was hoping for the latter, and when he turned to see the figure standing in his doorway, he wasn’t disappointed in the least bit. 

“Phil,” he spoke, half nervous and and half relieved like he’d been last Tuesday. That, and he was also really hoping that Phil hadn’t heard him talking to a bug on his windowsill. 

The aforementioned grinned widely, showcasing his slightly crooked teeth. “Hey, Dan. Can I come in?” 

It was strange, but Dan actually had to stop himself from telling Phil that he didn’t need to ask. Sure, he may have felt like he’d known Phil forever, but he hadn’t. Phil was still a stranger, and it was alarming just how often he had to remind himself of that. 

“I’m just back to return your book,” Phil explained as he handed the small harlequin back to its owner, then moving to sit at one of the bar stools by the kitchen island, Dan quick to follow. He hated it, really, just how much didn’t hate that Phil didn’t have to ask to sit down, or to stay a while. He hated how Phil felt so welcome in his home because Dan had made him feel that way. And he hated how easy it was to trust Phil not to abuse this. Gods, he just hated how much he didn’t hate this peculiar Red. 

“How was the book?” He asked instead of dwelling on his current inner turmoil.

Phil gave him a look that made him feel silly for asking, raising his eyebrow and smirking. “Well, it was very, very cheesy. You know– girl meets boy, they fall in love, there’s a minor inconvenience that separates them, and then they get back together in the end and live happily ever after. I think I gagged more than I actually enjoyed it, to be honest.”

Laughing, Dan picked up the book from the island and turned it over in his hands, reading the description and chuckling more when Phil’s vague summary seemed to match up fairly well with the author’s. 

“Sounds absolutely horrible. I think I’d rather burn to death in a fire than have to read this garbage,” he laughed. He only realized what he’d said after it’d left his mouth, cringing a bit. The fires, right.

Phil swallowed thickly, keeping his eyes down and suddenly seeming uncomfortable. Dan noticed this, and even though he didn’t want to make him even more uncomfortable, he did need to know the answer to the question that’d been eating him alive for the last few days. Besides, he figured it was better to just rip the bandage off now before the wound became too infected. 

“Um, Phil?”

“Yeah?”

Dan focused his eyes on the shitty romance book instead of Phil’s own cool blue irises. He wasn’t sure how to word the question without seeming like this was more of an interrogation than a casual conversation. 

“Do you know anything about the fires on the outside of town?” 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Phil’s hand retract from its resting place on the counter. 

“No. Why?” 

Dan exhaled in relief. Phil wasn’t guilty. He wasn’t the one setting the fires. 

“No reason,” Dan lied. “I’m just getting a bit worried ‘cause they seem to be getting closer to my house, that’s all.”

With his eyes still down in fear of having accidentally offended Phil, Dan didn’t notice the aforementioned’s arm tentatively reaching across the open space between them until his hand was under his chin, gently lifting Dan’s head and forcing him to look at Phil. 

“I’m not gonna let the fires get you,” he spoke, his voice soft and reassuring to Dan’s fragile ears. “You’re safe here, no matter what.”

The corners of Dan’s lips lifted easily into a smile at Phil’s promise. Even though Phil was so close to him right now that he could theoretically both kiss him or snap his neck, Dan wasn’t scared. Okay, so maybe he was a little nervous, but that was mostly because he hadn’t showered since Friday morning. He’d definitely have to do that as soon as Phil left. 

“I trust you,” he responded quietly, his lips barely moving. 

Phil removed his hand then, the sudden loss of skin on skin contact making Dan feel a strange emptiness in the centre of his chest that he didn’t understand.

“I should get going again.” Phil stood from the bar stool and moved to stand by the sliding glass door that lead out to the porch. “I’ll see you soon?”

Dan, still sitting down and facing the Red, smiled reassuringly. “Yeah, definitely.”

He then watched with his sad, brown eyes as Phil left the property, disappearing through the tall grasses outside. 

“Well,” he muttered to himself, swiveling around in the stool to face the island counter. “Shove it, Cate.”

—

The next day, work had been much better –even better than Friday. 

Throughout the day he couldn’t help himself from gloating to Cate about how wrong she’d been about Phil, shoving it in her face the few times when he wasn’t busy making someone else’s stupidly intricate caffeinated drink. 

When he’d come home at two thirty, he couldn’t decide on what to do with himself. He could go have a wank in the shower, but he really wasn’t in the mood for that. He could try reading another book, but what was the point when he’d only judge it’s stupidly predictable plot? He could find more little bugs to make conversation with, but he thankfully wasn’t too far gone to think that was completely normal.

That didn’t really leave much inside, and Dan wasn’t too keen on leaving his house at the moment, so he instead settled on browsing the web on his computer. 

Powering up the device and waiting for everything to load, he wondered what type of things he should look up. Most major websites that had been popular when he was little were far gone, having been deleted by the government due to their fear of exploitation and self expression, apparently. So maybe he’d look up the symptoms of the common cold and self diagnose himself with some horrible disease, because why not? At least that would give him something to worry about, and really, Dan felt strange without something putting him on edge. 

As the browser popped up, search bar ready to be typed into, Dan’s eye caught one of the annoying ads on the bottom of the screen. It was an advertisement for some fancy, high powered washing machine that Dan didn’t care about, but seeing it did remind him that he had a load of bathroom and kitchen towels to wash– something he should probably have been doing then before he forgot. 

He sighed, standing up out of his desk chair and doing the rounds of his small home in search of anything to wash. After gathering enough towels and a few articles of clothing to wash, he then made his way to the laundry room, shoving the fabric into the machine and pressing the ‘start’ button. 

After sitting back down at his desk, the laundry machine making for calming background noise, Dan stared at the empty search tab. He was becoming bored now, and decided on attempting to find something interesting on his laptop. 

His mind somehow always managing to find its way back to the subject of the fires, he slowly typed “Nouveau City fires” into the open search tab. He didn’t really know what he was going to find, or if he would find anything at all, but regardless, if couldn’t hurt to know a little more about the subject, could it?

To his surprise, there were at least a dozen –if not more– articles focused on the topic. Skimming over the short descriptions of each site’s article, most of them being blatant accusations against Reds which didn’t interest him in the least bit, his eyes finally landed on a website that seemed promising. It was an article discussing the fire that had taken place on Friday night, the one that had made Dan so damn worried about Phil. 

Clicking the bright blue link, colour much alike to the tattoo on his right arm, Dan waited for the page to load. 

As he read the article he discovered quickly that the fire did indeed take place over by one of the southern Red neighbourhoods, the one in particular being Rougensdale. 

From what Dan knew, Rougensdale was one of those incredibly closely knit communities as opposed to the more violent ones. It was a shame, he thought, that the citizens of that community would probably have to undergo so many interrogations from suspicious government officials. They didn’t deserve that. 

Reading on, the article detailed a bit about the homes nearby and their effort to put out the fire as quickly as they could. In one section, it mentioned how the fires were thankfully not able to spread as much due to one Blue catching the culprits in the act, which was later described as heinous and cruel to the entire Blue population of the City. Dan had to actually laugh at that. 

As he scrolled down some more, the article came to an abrupt stop, or at least a gigantic gap in the text. Dan sat confused for a moment, wondering what had happened to all that missing writing before actually realizing that it wasn’t in fact a gap of missing text, but a picture that had yet to load. Quickly reading the image description, his interest piqued immediately. Supposedly, a sneaky bystander had actually caught the crime doers on their camera and sent the film to the news website.

Dan tapped his foot in anticipation as the image slowly began to load, at first appearing as a very pixelated blur of colours until the incriminating picture loaded into focus. 

Dan felt his stomach drop, his eyes fixed on one figure in particular who was photographed holding a canister of what looked like petrol in one hand while his Red arm was blurred as he motioned for a second figure to come with him. 

Though his eyes were small and fairly pixelated on the screen, it wasn’t hard to tell that they were full of fear, the emotion akin to what Dan was feeling that very moment, though he was unable to stop staring at the picture.

His back was to the fire he’d so clearly just set, and his black hair and pale skin almost illuminated by the photographed glow of the burning field. 

What scared Dan the most though, was that Phil had lied. Phil had looked him directly in the eye and told him that he didn’t know shit about the fires, that he had nothing to do with them and that Dan was safe. How the everloving fuck could Dan be safe if he was letting a fucking arsonist into his home every week? How could he be safe when he’d trusted Phil to be his friend and care about him at least a tiny bit? 

Dan wasn’t safe, and he wasn’t happy, and he felt the worst flare of betrayal he’d ever felt. Maybe even more than when he’d learnt what Robbie Malcolm had done to his little brother. 

Why couldn’t anything ever work out for Dan? Why couldn’t he go a day without something fucked up happening to him? Life was fucking cruel. 

Dan didn’t even realize he was crying until he tasted the familiar salty taste of his own tears on his lips. Gods, how could Phil do this to him? He felt cheated and scared, because if Phil could lie to his face about something this important than what else had he lied about? What else was he been planning on lying about? Fuck, Dan felt sick. He felt actually physically sick. 

Before he knew it he was running unsteadily to the bathroom, lifting up the toilet seat quickly before spilling any food he’d previously eaten into the toilet bowl. When he was left only choking on air and his own spit, Dan reached a trembling hand up to flush, dropping the seat back down and crawling over to lean against the now closed door, holding his head in his hands and pulling his knees up to his chest. 

No, he wasn’t going to do this again. He wasn’t going to go down that panic induced spiral with no one around to pull him out– he couldn’t. Standing on unsteady legs and shuffling over to the sink, Dan ducked his head under the cool tap and swished a bit of water in his mouth. Afterwards, he reached for his toothbrush, feeling a tugging sensation in his chest when he saw that Phil’s borrowed toothbrush was still in the holder beside his. He’d have to throw that out later. 

With his mouth now minty –not that he was in any state to appreciate that– and his legs still wobbly, Dan moved slowly into the lounge, collapsing easily on the sofa and curling up in the foetal position, his head resting on the side arm. 

You’re fine, he thought to himself. He didn’t matter that much anyway. He still doesn’t matter. 

Regardless of how many times he drilled those lines into his brain, though, the message didn’t seem to stick. 

Yes, Phil did matter. He made Dan happy and not want to do anything stupid. When he wasn’t thinking about work, or the inevitability of death, he was thinking about Phil. His soft voice, his warm hands, his cool bluish grey eyes. Why did he have to matter so much?

Why did he have to march into Dan’s life with his stupid red arm and and his stupid black hair and his stupid fucking everything? Dan wanted to hit him, he wanted to beat his fists against his chest and yell at him until Phil knew for sure just how terrible of a person he was for deceiving Dan. But even more than that, he wanted to hit himself. Gods, he was so fucking stupid. 

Instead, he weakly uncurled his body and made his way into the kitchen, theorizing that maybe if he did normal things then he’d be able to forget about Phil. Pouring water into the back of the machine and scooping grounds into the top, he then pressed the button to make coffee. As the dark liquid began to dribble into the clear pot, Dan found himself zoning out until the pot was suddenly full. 

Snapping back into reality, he pulled a mug down from the cupboard and poured his coffee, thankfully catching himself before he let the hot liquid spill all over the marble counter. He didn’t want to clean that up. 

As he slowly drank his coffee, sat at one of the island bar stools and staring out the sliding glass door into the field, he could picture Phil coming through the tall grass as the sun began to set, smiling at Dan and asking to come in. He could imagine himself letting him in and greeting him with his own warm smile. And then he could imagine him occupying the seat across from where Dan was currently sat, lying about things that made Dan feel nauseous and not even batting an eyelid as he did so. 

Maybe Dan hadn’t known him all that long, but that didn’t even matter. He’d felt safe with Phil, like he could trust him to be his friend and keep him safe. But clearly he couldn’t. Clearly, Phil was nothing but a liar. A stupid, irrelevant, deceitful liar. 

Dan didn’t even know what he was doing before he let the nearly empty mug fly from his shaky hand to the hard floor, watching coldly as the mug smashed into small pieces in a small pool of black coffee.

He didn’t even care to feel bad about it, didn’t want to deal with it right now. Instead he stormed off into his bedroom, climbing back into his bed and sitting against the wall with his trembling arms around his body. He didn’t have it in him to cry right now. He’d cried enough in his lifetime over people who either didn’t matter enough to worry about or weren’t around long enough to worry about him. He hadn’t decided which of those Phil was yet, but regardless, he was done being upset about him. All he felt was anger. Anger and betrayal. 

So with a sour expression annihilating any hint of the kindness his face usually possessed, Dan just sat there, his inner thoughts mostly a chorus of “fuck you” over and over again. 

—

Dan knew it’d been hours, more hours than it should’ve been. Time tended to pass quickly when he was like this– alone and bitter.

He was still sitting in bed, him limbs folded inwards and his eyes focused on nothing at all. He felt numb, like maybe he’d spent all the emotions he’d been offered in the first place. He wasn’t quite sure what he liked better; feeling sorry for himself or feeling nothing at all. 

When he first heard the distant push of what he assumed was the sliding glass door in his kitchen, he didn’t bother to grab the pair of scissors in his desk drawer or move to hide under his bed like a scared child. 

Who cared if it was that possible psycho killer from a few weeks ago, finally coming back to get him? He certainly didn’t. 

There was shuffling coming from the kitchen, and then the clatter of broken glass. The coffee mug, right. Maybe they’d use that to slit his throat. 

After a short silence came the muttering of a curse word, and then more footsteps, these ones approaching the bedroom. 

“Dan?” Called the last voice he wanted to hear at the moment. He didn’t respond, didn’t move, didn’t breathe. 

Go away, he thought. 

As the footsteps grew closer, Dan felt his balled fists tighten, his knuckles white when Phil finally made it to the door. 

The offending Red stood in the threshold, a –most likely fake– worried look in his pale eyes and his hand gripping at the door frame. He looked over Dan, something akin to relief on his face as he saw that the latter didn’t appear to be hurt. Dan wanted him to know just how hurt he was, though. 

“Dan,” Phil quietly spoke again as he began moving towards the numb Blue on the bed. 

Dan didn’t want to look at him, or hear him, or touch him unless it was in the context of making him feel the same hurt that Dan felt. Anger bubbled up in his chest as Phil continued his advance. Fuck him. 

“Fuck off,” is all he could say, his voice a bit raspy and a bit broken. Really, that wasn’t even the beginning of what he wanted to say, but he also didn’t want to give Phil anything. He didn’t want to let him have the satisfaction he’d probably derive from seeing Dan upset again. 

Phil froze in his tracks, arm half outstretched in the air before slowly drawing it back to his side. Dan was shooting daggers with his eyes, eyes that were simultaneously trying to both search for sincerity in Phil’s actions and burn a hole in his head. 

The latter raised his hands defensively, taking a step back from Dan. “What’s wrong?” He asked cautiously. 

Dan laughed, the sound bitter and mocking. “What’s wrong?” He repeated incredulously. He could see the twinge of fear in Phil’s eyes and it only egged him on. “How about my only ‘friend’ lying right to my face? How about him being a fucking arsonist, huh?”

Phil looked like he’d been slapped in the face, taking another step back and wrapping his arms around his middle to mirror Dan. 

“I’m sorry–“

“When were you going to tell me? Were you ever going to?” The Blue asked, the tone of his voice gradually becoming increasingly high pitched. Dan hated that, how he was always so overtaken by emotion regardless of whether he wanted to be or not. He definitely preferred being numb. 

“I was going to tell you, I promise! I know it looks bad, but it’s not, if you’ll just let me explain,” Phil begged. Even his eyes were begging. If it was possible, those eyes seemed even greyer now that Dan was focusing on them, and part of him wanted to drown in their uncertain depths. 

“You don’t even understand, do you?” He half asked, half cried. Those same tears that Dan had been trying to fight off were now brimming in his eyes, threatening to spill. “I don’t have anyone like you, Phil. All I needed was a friend and you lied to me! How the fuck am I supposed to trust you anymore?”

He was near on rambling when Phil finally stopped him. “Dan,” he spoke firmly. “The reason I didn’t tell you is because I need a friend, too. So if you’ll let be a proper friend right now and clean you up, that would be fucking great. You’re a mess right now, and I think you’ve been a mess for far longer than just now, so just let me take care of you, okay? I’ll explain everything after you’re you again.”

Dan felt like he should’ve flinched or winced at the harshness of Phil’s tone, but instead he sat unmoving, his limbs loosening and fists unclenching. He couldn’t believe he was actually considering giving Phil a chance to explain himself after doing something as terrible as arson. Just like that night out in the field, Dan wondered if he was losing his mind, if maybe letting Phil in was a bad decision. But when it came down to what he wanted, what he needed, it was closure. He’d always wanted closure, and Phil was offering it to him. Would he be even more insane to reject it? 

Swiping a hand across his face to wipe away the few tears that had fallen, Dan nodded. “You promise you’ll explain?” He asked, still a bit unsure. 

Phil nodded, stepping closer and reaching his hand out for Dan. “I promise.”

So Dan took his hand and allowed Phil to help him to his feet, wondering what the hell he was about to get himself into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Kudos & comments are very much appreciated :)  
> And maybe reblog on tumblr ?? (@ordanary)


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, a lot of really shitty stuff has been going on at home so I’m sorry if my writing isn’t as good or if my update schedule starts to get a bit wonky (I’m hoping I can stay on track, though). 
> 
> This chapter has a lot of plot thickening shit in it, so pay really close attention or else you’ll probably miss something important. Also there is literally nothing I hate more than conflict (if it happens irl, i just start crying like mad), so I tried to clear that up in this chapter or else I probably would’ve eaten my own hand or something. 
> 
> Have fun reading :)

As it turned out, Phil ended up staying true to his word and trying his hardest to make Dan feel more like himself again. 

First had come the vaus-like glass filled to the brim with water, which he’d been told he was either to drink or feint in the shower– his choice. Next, Phil had lead Dan blindly back to his room, gesturing at the armour. 

“Pick out some really comfy clothes. Like, clothes you normally wear when you want to have a really good sleep,” Phil had ordered kindly. Dan scoffed. Yeah, so absolutely nothing? No way was that ever happening around Phil. 

Riffling through a few messy drawers, Dan pulled out a pair of his favourite joggers and a large t-shirt with several space-esqe cats on both the front and back. Dan liked it because it was oversized and quirky– that, and he was also pretty sure his mum had picked it out from the women’s section of some second hand store, which only gave it extra character. Grabbing a pair of socks and underwear as well, he then headed for the bathroom.

“Don’t stay in there too long with the heat up, or you might actually pass out,” Phil advised, standing awkwardly at the bathroom door as Dan looked up at him, unimpressed. Was he gonna go, or . . . ?

Clearing his throat, the latter seemed to get the message across, watching with narrowed eyes as the strange Red moved away from the door and down the hall to the lounge. 

Shutting the door and turning on the water, Dan began to undress from his previous outfit, discarding the articles of clothing onto the floor carelessly until he was stood completely naked in the middle of his bathroom. Normally he wouldn’t feel weird at all, but Phil was in his house while he was naked and vulnerable, and Phil could totally take his fire setting habits to the next level and burn his house down all the while Dan would be too busy scrubbing fucking strawberry scented soap into his skin to notice. 

And what if Phil tried to get into the bathroom? Speaking of which, had Dan locked the door? He quickly checked, and to his relief, it was locked. 

After showering as quickly as possible –not because he was taking Phil’s advice, but because he was worried about what he might be doing out there–, Dan changed into his new clothes, brushing his teeth again and glaring when he once again spotted Phil’s borrowed toothbrush in the cup beside his own. 

“You decent?” Phil called from the lounge as Dan stepped out of the now steamy bathroom. 

“Obviously,” Dan replied dismissively, pushing his quickly curling and still wet hair up off his forehead. Phil was in the kitchen, leaning against the island where he’d sat when he’d first lied to Dan. Peachy. 

“You need food, I think. Do you have any leftovers or anything?” He asked, seeming uncomfortable from where he was perched, his hand tapping lightly against the island counter but just irritatingly enough to make Dan want to choke him. 

Dan moved to stand by the fridge, opening it up and scanning for an easy meal. As much as he’d like to tell Phil to ‘shove it’ and get out of his house, the agreement was that he’d let Phil help him and in return he’d be informed of the Red’s justifications of being a fucking pyromaniac. Closure was really Dan’s best friend at the moment. 

Shutting the fridge as he remembered the microwave-ready meals he kept in the freezer, he instead grabbed one of those, hesitating over whether he should be petty and only get one for himself or be a good person and share. As always, his moral got the better of him, causing him to grab the second before turning to put them in the microwave. 

“Oh, it’s okay– I don’t need one,” Phil protested politely. He was smiling shyly, strands of his stark black hair falling to cover his grey eyes– eyes that were subconsciously shifting between Dan’s own and the microwave. Bullshit, Dan thought. Phil wanted the food, he was just trying to be overly polite to compensate for lying. Or at least that’s what Dan chose to believe. 

The aforementioned scoffed, leaning his weight against the counter and folding his arms over his chest. “Fuck off, I’m not eating alone.” Really, that would just be awkward. 

Dan removed the pasta meals when the microwave beeped, handling them carefully in an attempt not to burn himself. After retrieving forks and transferring the food into two bowls, the two men moved into the living room, Dan taking his usual spot on the side chair while Phil sat on the sofa end closest to him. 

They picked away at their food for minutes which seemed like hours, Dan feeling as if the uncomfortable silence was going to crush him if he didn’t soon speak up. 

“So why are you setting things on fire?” He blurted.

Phil winced a bit. Maybe ‘setting things on fire’ sounded a lot less poetic than whatever heroic thing he’d classified arson as in his head. 

He cleared his throat. “Um, it’s kind of complicated–“

“Then explain.”

Dan might’ve been pushing Phil a bit harshly, but he didn’t really give a fuck. He’d stop pushing when Phil gave him a valid reason. 

“Uh, well first of all, I need you to know that none of what I’m about to say is a lie. I know I haven’t always told you the entire truth since we met, but I really do like you, Dan, and I want to make this right.” Phil was pleading with his eyes, silently begging Dan to believe him. A bit to Dan’s own surprise, he actually did. Or at least he wanted to, but that was enough to keep him nodding and waiting for more. 

“Go on,” he urged. 

Phil swallowed, looking down at his food and stirring it with his fork. “You know how the city is divided into Blues and Reds, like the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’?” Dan nodded. “Well –and I swear I'm not lying– but there’s actually a third category.”

He seemed to be waiting for Dan to call him out and tell him that was completely ridiculous, but if he was telling the truth then Dan honestly wouldn’t be too surprised. The government was shady– they liked to keep the public from seeing the light, but Dan still wasn’t exactly sure how they’d manage to keep an entire third of the population in the shadows. 

He furrowed his brows, frowning at Phil. “I don’t get it.”

“Well, Reds and Blues are categorized because of our morals according to the government. Blue means they think you’ll do the right thing in their eyes and have lots of potential, whereas Reds supposedly have bad and dangerous morals, but the thing we both have in common is that we can be controlled. As far as they know, we’re predictable as long as they can see the colour of our arms,” Phil explained, though Dan was already familiar with most of what he’d just said. His eyes shifted between the electric blue of his arm and the fiery red of Phil’s. 

“Well not everyone is completely stable and predictable, as they like to think we are. If someone shows any signs of a mental issue or attempts to take their own life–“ Dan winced, thinking about that someone he once knew. “–then the government takes them back to one of their buildings and rebrands them as a Yellow.”

When Phil seemed to be done, Dan cocked his head to the side, giving Phil eyes that screamed disbelief. “Oh yeah? And how come I’ve never seen one of these ‘Yellows’?” He asked, using his fingers to make air quotes for the last bit. 

“Because they’re banished to outside the city,” he explained. “The government has deemed them as too unpredictable, so their solution is to keep them out where they don’t have to try to control them. No one has to know about them or think there’s a flaw in the system, so it’s a win-win for the guys in charge.”

Phil was beginning to sound like some sort of crazed conspirator, and Dan didn’t know at all whether he was telling the truth or not. He could totally be lying, creating this over the top scheme to justify his wrong-doings, but that didn’t seem like something Phil would do. And besides, this was elaborate, and he couldn’t imagine Phil would need something like this in order to support setting fires. Hell, Dan still didn’t know what the hell this had to do with the fires. 

“Wait, so if you’re telling the truth –and believe me, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt right now, then what does this have to do with the fires? I don’t really understand.”

Phil smirked, leaning forward as if what he was about to say would be ten times more interesting than any of the strange shit he’d just spoken. 

“A few years back, my mum started to get really suspicious of what was going on outside the city. One night, she met some Blue who worked for the government as a Rougensdale guard. He told her about the Yellows and how they’d all ended up over there, so a few weeks later she pretended to go completely insane. The government took her back to get tattooed as a Yellow and dumped her in some small village right outside the city–“

“Wait,” Dan interrupted, confused and sceptical. “If she was taken outside the city then how do you know all this?”

Phil’s smirk returned, this time even reaching a spark in the faint blue of his eyes. “Because she came back. Apparently there’s this scanning system all around the city’s edge where the wall is and the government technicians completely fucked it up, meaning that now Yellows can pass through at any time, but if a Red or a Blue tried to get through then the walls won’t open. All the wiring was done from the outside, too, so they can’t even fix it! 

“My mom came back to my brother and I, totally scaring the living shit out of us because we’d thought she was dead. She told us all about how much better it was on the other side and how much more accepting and generous everyone was. I’ve never seen it myself, but apparently there’s an entire village, Dan. It’s like a less prejudiced and judgemental version of the city,” he beamed, eyes wide. 

Dan just sat there, absorbing the information he was being presented with. He wanted to believe that Phil was lying to him, that the city he lived in would never do something as insane as that– that they’d never try to throw away a third of the population just because they weren’t normal. 

But he knew that he would just be naive to think that, to ignore what Phil was telling him and live blindly in the dark when all he’d ever wanted was to see the light fully. He’d always wanted closure, and though this wasn’t exactly that, it was an explanation close enough. Sure, an explanation that made him feel a bit queasy, but an explanation nonetheless. 

“Okay, I believe you,” he breathed, looking at Phil with with uncertainty in his eyes. Gods, he wished he didn’t believe him. “But . . . The fires?” He still didn’t quite understand what any of this new and scary information had to do with the fires, but he was willing to listen now. If Phil knew about all this, then what else did he know about?

“Well, because Reds and Blues can’t cross the wall, even though it’s so much better on the other side, my mum and everyone else over there decided they wanted to find a way to share it with those who deserved it.” Phil smiled to himself, thinking of something far off. “My brother knows these girls who work in the tattoo department of the decision building. . .”

Phil went on to explain how these girls were on his mum and brother's side, how they helped the pair sneak Blues and Reds into the building and re-tattoo them as Yellows so they could go live their lives freely outside the city. Dan hadn’t even known that re-tattooing was possible.

“So me and a few other recruits set fires every few nights to distract them from the actual buildings my brother’s friends are breaking into. That, and to make them afraid,” Phil explained, his eyes hopeful as he beamed at Dan. 

The latter sat still in completely silence, soaking in Phil’s truth and trying his best not to deny it. It all made sense, he supposed. Dan had never seen the outside walls, or what was beyond them for that matter. And besides, would Phil really lie about something like this? Would he really make up such a detailed story only to cover up that he was a criminal? 

“And you’re telling the truth?” He asked slowly, looking Phil in the eyes and searching deeply for any sign that he might not be. 

To confirm his previous suspicion, Phil showed none. “I promise you, Dan. We’re just trying to set people free of this damn city.”

Dan nodded. It was rather noble in a twisted way, what Phil and his family were doing for the rest of the city. Sure, they were setting fires, but for the greater good, right? And no one had ever gotten hurt as a result before, so how bad could it be? 

But could Dan let this pass as an excuse for lying to him? Could be let Phil off the hook after the hurt he’d made him feel? 

Yes, he thought. He could at least try. 

“I understand now, but I’m still fucking mad at you for lying,” he spoke lowly, stirring the remainders of his pasta with his fork and watching the probably freezer burnt ingredients swirl together. 

When he looked up again, Phil was smiling brightly. It seemed that Dan’s understanding and partial forgiveness was a victory for him. 

“That’s justified, I reckon,” he laughed, the sound as musical as ever. Dan hated how it made him smile for the first time in too long. “But will you consider forgiving me anytime in the near future?” He asked. 

Dan quickly caught himself smirking before he pushed the expression down, lifting his eyebrows and shrugging. 

“Dunno,” he replied. “Depends on why you lied to me in the first place and if you plan on doing it again.”

“I lied because in my own weird way I thought I was protecting you,” he spoke quickly, as if admitting that was a chore in itself. “I thought that if you didn’t know and we stayed friends, then I could make sure there were no fires set by your place and that you wouldn’t ever have to worry about me.” Phil paused, eyes widening before he corrected himself. “Not that you need to worry about me now. I know I lied to you, but I promise I’ll never do it again if I can avoid it.”

“And you’ll try everything in your power to avoid it?” Asked Dan. 

Phil smiled softly, giving a small nod. “Yeah, of course.”

Dan smiled back. Maybe forgiving Phil would be easier than he’d originally thought. Maybe he could let him off the hook for leaving out that one major detail. Maybe they could go back to being friends. 

“Also, I’ve been worrying about you this entire time, you idiot, I’m not gonna stop now,” Dan reminded him, his tone serious. 

“Yeah, same for you.”

Regardless of any angry and confused thoughts he still held in that muddled brain of his, Dan still wanted a friend. He needed one– he needed Phil, whether he wanted to admit it or not. 

“Okay, Phil.”

A few moments of silence passed while the two focused on finishing up their food, but this time the silence wasn’t as uncomfortable as it had been before. It wasn’t by any means what they’d grown used to in the short time they’d known each other, but it was okay, and okay was all either of them could hope for right then. 

“Do you need anything else?” Asked Phil tentatively, knowing he was still walking on thin ice. 

Dan offered the kindest smile he could muster, placing his empty bowl onto the coffee table and watching as Phil did the same. 

“No, I’m good. Thanks, though.”

Phil returned the smile. 

Dan was lost in his own head as he hugged the closest pillow he could find to his chest, staring straight ahead out the window to the darkening sky before them. It was getting late, and now that Phil had come clean to him all he could think about was what this would mean. If knowing this would come with some consequences that he hadn’t signed up for, or if it would in the very least change the way he looked at Phil. He hoped it wouldn’t because he quite liked Phil. With a bit of time he was sure he could push past the detail that Phil was part of a small society that set fires and infiltrated the government, and he didn’t really care if that was selfish. 

“Hey, Dan?” Asked Phil, causing the aforementioned to lift his chin to look at him curiously. 

“Yeah?”

“You know . . . You could just hug me instead of the pillow . . .” He proposed slowly, as if he was expecting rejection and only putting the idea out there for kicks. 

Dan wanted to make things better, though, because he’d never been one for conflict. He hadn’t liked being angry and upset with Phil, so much in fact that it’d made him physically sick. He just wanted things to go back to normal between them, and even though that might never happen, he still wanted to try. 

So as an answer to his question, Dan released his grip around the throw pillow, moving to sit on the couch beside Phil while the latter just sat there twiddling his fingers. And then he was leaning forward and wrapping tired arms around him, basking in the warmth of Phil’s touch and savouring the way his own pale arms felt  
wrapped around his body. 

Everything about Phil felt like home in a way that Dan still couldn’t exactly fully describe. His upper body felt like the missing puzzle piece that fit perfectly against Dan, his arms likes ropes, grounding him into the present and keeping him from slipping. 

He still smelled like a mix of that pleasant muted spice and the unidentifiable sweet aroma that Dan couldn’t get enough of. The only thing that’d changed from the last time Dan had found himself pressed against this Red was that now, that strange, sharp scent that had lingered on Phil’s clothing wasn’t so strange anymore. He knew what it was, and he didn’t know if that scared him or calmed him. 

It was the distant smell of smoke, like the kind that erupts from a cluster of wild flames when they’re set without bounds or rules. Dan had never been to a campfire, or seen one of the field fires in action, but it still felt familiar thanks to Phil. Everything about Phil seemed familiar in a way that Dan wished it didn’t. 

“You’re making it really hard for me to be mad at you right now,” Dan grumbled against the fabric of Phil’s shirt.

He felt the rumble of Phil’s chest through his own as he chuckled in return. “Then don’t be.”

Pulling away, he tried his best to disguise the easy smile trying to play on Dan’s lips, but when he saw the identical one on Phil’s all efforts went out the window. 

Being friends with Phil felt nice. Sitting on the sofa with him, sharing dinner with him, being near him– it felt really nice. 

So when Phil left that night with nothing but the reassurance that Dan wasn’t cross with him and his word that they’d see each other tomorrow to talk some more, it felt wrong for him to walk away. 

After everything he’d told Dan, after every world changing secret and life altering bit of information, he didn’t feel scared to trust Phil anymore. Sure, Phil had lied, and that was wrong, but he’d said it himself– it was to keep Dan safe, and that’s all he’d ever wanted right? Someone to keep him safe? 

Falling asleep was difficult, to say the least. He had wanted to do the dishes before bed, but he’d just been too exhausted to even fathom standing up for more than another five minutes. Only when his head hit the pillow and his blankets were wrapped tightly around his shoulders, he couldn’t seem to fall asleep. 

Dan couldn’t help but think about what Phil had told him today. He still held enough faith in the Red to believe his word, but what did that even mean? That Dan believed in this third party of ‘Yellows’ outside the city wall, and that the government was only out to conceal and keep secrets? Minus the bit about Yellows, it wasn’t far off from what Dan would’ve thought anyway. He’d never quite trusted the city’s government, so why should he start now right when his friend had given him perfect reason not to? 

As he lay in bed worrying about the future, evaluating the past, and feeling unsurprisingly uneasy about the present, he slowly began to fall asleep, letting the beckoning darkness of the room finally get to him as he drifted further into unconsciousness. 

And then he was out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! If you liked it then maybe rb on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are especially appreciated <3


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry this is a bit late but I’ve had an incredibly busy week and spent most of my free days curled up in too many blankets watching Grey’s Anatomy and taking depression naps. Thanks for waiting the few extra hours, and I really hope you still enjoy :)

“Dan, I swear if I hear you say the word ‘fuck’ one more time today I’m going to castrate you!” Scolded Cate from across the break room, making the all too necessary comment about Dan’s overuse of that particular swear word today. He wasn’t even mad, or upset, or irritated. Tuesday just felt like a good day to say the word ‘fuck’. 

Dan complied, smiling. He then stuck up his middle finger with a grin and a sparkle in his devious golden-brown eyes.

Cate glared, though her bright and cheery face makeup seemed too happy to be angry. “You’re fired.”

“You wish,” Dan scoffed as he leaned over to uselessly fold his apron before shoving it in his bag anyway. 

Their shifts were over now and him and Cate were just about ready to leave the coffee shop, finishing up the last of their tasks and quickly tidying up the not very messy place. It’d been a surprisingly short day, with very few customers coming in and little effort required to serve them. The two of them, of course being the only two to show up again as per usual, had made quite a bit of odd small talk during the day, most of which Dan had punctuated with a vast supply of ‘fuck’s. Cate had been at him about his bad language all day, even going so far as to whoop him in the ass with a hand towel when he accidentally cussed in front of customer, though said customer was teenager, and Dan doubted they would even bat an eyelash. 

Cate stepped forward to grab her sweater from one of the hooks in front of Dan, though he wasn’t even really sure why she thought she’d needed to bring it in the first place. May was almost at it’s close, which meant the fast approach of both unbearably hot summer weather and Dan’s birthday. That was never something he really looked forward to, as it usually meant either an awkward family dinner with his parents or a microwave meal by himself at 3 AM. Neither were favourable, that was for sure.

Regardless of the just barely tolerable heat of outside, Cate pulled the sweater over her arms and did up the zipper, cursing to herself a bit when the zip caught on the track. 

“So did you ever talk to Phil?” She asked, still struggling with the stubborn zipper. 

Reaching forward to swat her hands away, Dan unjammed the zipper easily, raising his eyebrows at Cate. “Yeah, I saw him this weekend,” he answered, cramming his hands into his pocket as a means of trying to seem nonchalant and unsuspicious.

“Well . . . ?” 

“He’s not responsible for the fires,” he lied. “He’s as clueless as we are, Cate.”

She hummed, seeming unconvinced but nodding either way. “Sure, okay. When you saw him this weekend did you meet him at your place or his?” 

Dan frowned, confused by the odd question. Why did that matter? “Um, my place. Why?” He didn’t even know where Phil really lived. 

“No reason,” she answered. “I’ve gotta get going, my kitties are waiting to be fed.”

Dan nodded, slinging his bag over his shoulder and following Cate out the door and into the main café space, watching her lock up quickly before stepping outside into the un-air conditioned world and wondering how the hell she wasn’t already sweating to death in that sweater of hers. 

They said their goodbyes before heading in opposite directions, Dan regretting the choice to wear black jeans as the air was so horribly humid. He pushed his sleeves up as far as they’d go, holding back a frown when his eyes caught sight of his electric blue tattoo. As much as he’d love to keep it covered all the time, it was fucking hot out, and he’d rather not pass out in the middle of a mostly vacant dirt road. 

Eyes lingering on his arm, the realization that he could just go to Phil’s brother for help dawned on him. He could be made a Yellow, he could be free of the cerulean chains weaving up his arm and dragging the rest of him down as well. But then he’d have to give up the rest of his normalities; his home, his job, his life– and all just to escape what should’ve been his brother’s victory, not Dan’s burden. As much as he’d love to be someone else, he wasn’t anywhere near prepared for the possibility of having to let go of everything he knew. Maybe one day, he thought, but certainly not now. 

As he pushed open the door of his house, cringing when the creaking door squealed especially loud, he was confused to hear a ringing noise reverberating throughout the home. At first, his mind went to the fire alarm, that little bit of distrust he still felt about Phil making him wonder if maybe he’d lied and set a fire in Dan’s home to shut him up. 

But then he realized that it was just the landline phone, which meant it could only be one of three people; his mum, his boss, or a telemarketer. 

He dropped his bag messily on the floor just outside the kitchen, moving quickly to pick up the phone before it went to his message machine. 

“Hello?” He answered.

“Hello, love! What’s new over on your end?” It was his mum, just like usual. 

“Hey, mum,” he replied, smiling a bit though he knew she couldn’t see. “Things are pretty decent. How’re you?” 

“I’m very good. I can’t talk long, dear, but I do have a question for you,” she spoke, her semi serious tone making Dan a bit anxious with anticipation. 

“Okay.”

“So your father and I really haven’t seen you in quite a while, and we miss you, Dan.” Her serious voice had now shifted over to her I’m-gonna-get-my-way-and-there’s-nothing-you-can-do-about-it one. Lovely. He stayed silent, waiting. “We were wondering if you’d fancy coming over for dinner tomorrow night. Please? It would be fun, I promise.”

Yes, because being interrogated about his love life and berated for not having a ‘real job’ would be plenty of fun. 

Regardless, he worked up the biggest and fakest smile he could manage, speaking with an enthusiasm that anyone who really knew him would be able to see right through. “Yeah, that sounds great!” 

“Perfect! Come over around five tomorrow, yeah?” She replied happily, clearly believing him. He loved his mum, but she could be a bit dense when she wanted to be. 

A few minutes later and they’d both hung up, Dan wondering how he always managed to let himself be roped into these sorts of things. He was twenty five –almost twenty six– and he still didn’t know how to get out of a family dinner. But then again, it wasn’t like Dan had plans anyway. He probably would’ve spent the night alone at home reading articles about giraffes or something. 

That is, in fact, what he spent the rest of Tuesday evening doing.

He’d fiddled with a puzzle for an hour, uselessly attempting to make the pieces go together but eventually giving up when he found himself frustratedly trying to shove pieces together that didn’t fit.

Jigsaw puzzles had never been his forté. 

As it eventually became time for dinner, Dan shuffled through his fridge and freezer looking for something to cook, and somehow coming out empty handed. He’d just gone shopping with Phil last week, had he not? Damn that stupid Red for being so stupidly distracting all the time. 

The only thing that he wasn’t too lazy to cook ended up being an omelet, so that’s what he made. When he was done, he circled around the island, kicking something hard across the floor with his socked toe and looking down in confusion. Oh, right, the mug he’d thrown. He slowly made work of picking up the bigger pieces, being careful not to cut himself on the jagged shards before sweeping up the smaller bits and dumping them into the trash. 

“Remind me to never throw a mug ever again,” he spoke out loud to no one in particular. Maybe that one ladybug from earlier might hear him if it wasn’t already dead on a windowsill somewhere. 

Though it was an uncommon occurrence for Dan, he decided that not only was Tuesday a good day to say ‘fuck’, but also a wonderful evening to head to bed early. No porch sitting, no wine drinking, no drama inducing revelations, just sleep. 

After getting ready for bed in the washroom, he pulled his laptop from its spot on the desk, opening it up on his lap once comfortable in the warmth of his blankets. 

As he launched the slowly loading search engine he prayed silently that it wouldn’t have saved on that one news article about Phil and the fire he’d set. He wasn’t prepared to read that again, to see that picture again. Luckily, what popped up wasn’t that one incriminating photograph, but an empty search bar. 

What to type in, he pondered, tilting his head to the side before letting his fingers fly freely on the keyboard. 

Turns out, looking at dozens of dog pictures and sleepily giggling at their little paws and innocent eyes was a surefire way to make him even more tired, though he’d actually thought that impossible. Before he knew it, he was beginning to drift out of consciousness, having to forcefully shove his laptop closed and push it from his lap before rolling over and closing his eyes. 

Sleep came easy for once, and maybe it was a full day of closure for Dan, or maybe the world had just been putting too much on his shoulders lately, and the weight was finally crushing down on him in the form of an unapologetic exhaustion. 

Whatever it was, it had him passing out before he could even bother counting sheep. 

—

For the second time in the timespan of a month, Dan awoke to the sound of a cut-off scream.

Sitting up and breathing hard, he looked around the room, fearing what he might see, and feeling remorseful over what he knew he wouldn’t. Right, no Aaron to comfort, not that a twenty three year old would want to be comforted by their older brother anyway. 

Unlike the last time he’d been woken up like this, he actually heard heavy footsteps quickly approaching his room, causing him to freeze and his eyes to widen. Okay, someone was definitely in his fucking house. 

To his relief, and maybe not exactly his surprise, a familiar Red walked through his bedroom door, his eyes wide and scared as he gripped the door handle with white knuckles. 

They both seemed to breathe a sigh of relief upon seeing each other. Phil stepped inside a bit, leaning against the wall and smiling nervously at Dan, who was giving him a look that said ‘why are you in my house?’.

“Um, good morning,” Dan mumbled, letting himself relax a bit before pulling the duvet up higher to cover his bare chest, blushing, though hopefully not too noticeably. 

Phil gave a small wave before greeting the nearly naked Dan. “Sorry I'm in your house, but I heard you scream, and your door was unlocked so I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he explained, as if that accounted for him being outside Dan’s house at six AM in the first place. 

Dan raised an eyebrow, confused by his words. He hadn’t screamed, but had Phil heard it, too? Was there someone else nearby who was in trouble? 

“I didn’t scream.”

Phil half laughed and half scoffed. “Dan, there’s no one else around or in your house, and it was definitely your voice. Believe me, if it’d been anyone else it probably wouldn’t have given me such a heart attack,” he defended, making Dan wonder if it really had been him. He didn’t remember having a bad dream, but it would make sense as to why he hadn’t found anyone else in his house the first morning it had happened. “Seriously, I thought you were dying or something.”

Dan was almost flattered by Phil’s admission. He cared enough to intervene if Dan was in trouble, and that alone made him feel that stupid bubbly feeling in his stomach. But regardless, that still didn’t answer one question that was bugging him. 

“Okay, but– why were you outside my house, anyway?” He asked, waiting and hoping for Phil to give him an answer that didn’t involve plans to either burn down his house –yes, he was still paranoid– or finding some way to silence him from ever talking of Yellows while he slept. Even though he doubted Phil would ever do either of those things, he still needed to be cautious. 

This time it was Phil’s turn to grow pinkish in the cheeks, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I just wanted to check up on you and make sure you were doing okay after what we talked about on Monday. Besides, I’m busy later today so I wanted to catch you before work.”

That was sweet. That was actually so sweet and caring that Dan wanted to choke on whatever was causing that inconvenient bubbly feeling. 

“Oh, okay,” he smiled awkwardly. Sure, it was sweet and all, but Dan was still nearly naked under the covers and Phil wasn’t. He wasn’t exactly comfortable. “Is that all, though? Cause I hate to be rude but I need to start getting ready for work soon.”

“I actually wanted to ask you about that, too,” said Phil. “Is there any way you could get someone to fill in for you today? I mean, it can wait until tomorrow if that’s better for you, but I’d really like to show you something.”

Show him something? Dan wasn’t exactly sure if he trusted that, but he couldn’t deny that his interest was piqued now. He could probably get Jenni or Ted to take his shift, right? And besides, if he was going to have to endure dinner with his parents tonight then he might as well spend the better half of his day with someone he actually wanted to see for longer than an hour. 

“I’ll call one of my co-workers to see, but, uh . . .” How do you go about telling your sort-of-friend that they need to leave your room because you’re half naked under the covers? “I’m not wearing pyjamas right now, so . . .”

“Oh!” Phil’s eyes widened as he removed his hands from his pockets quickly, moving towards the door again. “Sorry, is it okay if I wait in the lounge?”

Dan forced a smile, humming a yes and watching Phil basically bolt from his room, shutting the door gently behind him. 

Dan really couldn’t help but laugh. 

When he was all dressed and ready to go to either some mystery destination with Phil or to work in the case that neither Ted nor Jenni were available to cover for him, he padded out on socked feet into the main living space, smiling shyly at Phil. He wasn’t used to sharing any part of his morning routine with anyone else, and he wasn’t sure if having Phil around now was making it better or worse. 

Well, in the long run, Phil was probably what could easily be considered a bad influence. He had talked Dan into missing work, he was making a habit of eating all his spare food and hanging around on his sofa, and he started fires on other people’s properties, for heaven's sake. The strange part, though, was that he seemed to be good for Dan. 

After a brief phone call during which Ted confirmed he’d be happy to cover for him, Dan gave Phil the good news and headed into the bathroom to brush his teeth. That, and stare loathingly at his blue tattoo for a minute or so– but that was irrelevant.

“Ready to go?” Asked Phil as he pushed himself off of the sofa. 

“Yeah, where exactly are we going?” 

“Somewhere absolutely amazing.”

“Amazing by your definition or amazing by mine?”

“Both, I hope.”

—

Phil lead him through the field for a good fifteen minutes, pushing through y’all grass and swatting a hand aggressively through the air as a big of some sort tried to fly right in front of him. Dan had laughed, of course– how could he not? 

That hadn’t talked much on the way to their mystery destination aside from a few “Are we almost there yet?”s from a very whiny and impatient Dan. Having left the house about an hour after ringing Ted, it was luckily still rather cool outside, though Dan could feel a slowly increasing heat threatening to spill over the city. He just wanted to get to wherever Phil was taking him before the sun was shining at full blast, and that hopefully there’d be shade. 

Finally, they made it to what appeared to be a thick patch of birch trees closer to the edge of the city than Dan had ever been before. Hell, he hadn’t even known there was anything even slightly resembling a forest anywhere near his home. As they’d approached the small group of trees, the field of tall grass had slowly transitioned into softer, greener patches of grass, still tall and obnoxiously difficult to push through, but green nonetheless. 

Phil gestured with an excited smile for Dan to follow him through the brief clearing and into the dense woods, weaving his way through tall trees and nearly tripping over a jagged rock poking from the damp ground. 

The air felt significantly more fresh the further they ventured into the forest, a vast difference from the suffocatingly dry air of the field. It led Dan to believe that maybe there was water nearby, an assumption proven correct when a small pond came into view a few yard before them. It seemed almost impossible, the way the small body of water was still flourishing with spurts of flowers and lily pads despite the dry weather surrounding the area. Magical, almost. The pond was fairly shallow looking, small fish swimming around blissfully and frogs moving to bury themselves under the thin layers of silt on the pond floor as Dan and Phil approached them. 

“D’you wanna sit down over there?” Asked Phil as he motioned towards a big, mostly flat rock near the edge of the water. 

Dan nodded, still entranced by the wonderfully refreshing scenery around him. 

As soon as they were comfortable –or as comfortable as one could possibly be on a giant slab of rock–, Dan nudged Phil’s arm, signalling for him to turn around so he could retrieve the bag of crisps and bottles of water they’d packed into one of Dan’s old backpacks which was currently slung over Phil’s shoulder. 

After shutting the bag, Phil turned back to Dan and retrieved his water bottle, watching with his grey eyes as the latter opened up the bag of crisps with minimal spillage of it’s contents. Dan reached a hand in, cringing at the annoying crinkle of the foil bag before shoving a few crisps into his mouth, passing the bag to Phil for him to do the same. 

A few moments passed of the two eating in a mostly comfortable silence, Dan slowly taking in the beautiful scenery with wide, golden eyes. As it was fairly warm out already, he’d decided to wear a short sleeved shirt, his blue tattoo fully on show. The colour almost matched the aqua of the shimmering pond water, and he was for once able to find just a little bit of beauty in the pesky tattoo. Hell, maybe he should stop by this forest more often. 

“This place is really beautiful,” he spoke quietly, almost as if speaking too loud might disturb the peaceful balance of the pond. 

Phil hummed in agreement, passing the bag of crisps over to him. Their fingers touched for a split second, the jolt of electricity it caused making Dan to actually audibly gasp. 

“Sorry,” Phil apologized, moving his hand away quickly. 

Dan chuckled, amused by just how easily Phil was making him flustered and how hilariously Phil was reacting. “It’s okay,” he assured with a smile. “So is this what you wanted to show me?” 

This time it was Phil’s time to smile, only with his eyes rather than his lips as he was currently drinking from his water bottle. 

“Nah, we’re just waiting for the main spectacle to show up.”

“Oh, is someone meeting us here?” Dan asked, his voice balancing on the line between nervous and delightfully curious. 

Phil shook his head. “Nope.” 

They sat in silence for a few minutes, the only sounds being the swaying of leaves in the wind and the occasional crinkle of the foil bag in Dan’s lap. He wasn’t exactly sure just who or what he was supposed to be waiting for, but he was willing to wait either way. He still had nearly eight hours before he had to be leaving for his parents’ house, and being in this calm state with Phil was much better than any of the silly worrying he might be doing at home instead. 

Phil didn’t know it, but he was really good at popping back up in Dan’s life at all the right times. When he was upset and in need of a friend, when he’d fallen down a horrible spiral and needed Phil to pull him back out, when he just needed distracting. He wasn’t sure how, but he knew he’d have to pay Phil back somehow one day. 

As Dan had been distracted with his own light hearted thoughts, swinging his legs back and forth over the edge of the boulder and looking around with curious brown eyes, Phil had been busy scanning the area for their mystery guest– or rather their mystery host. 

“Dan, look!” Phil said with an enthusiastic smile, pointing to something over on a tree beside his head. Dan turned just as quickly, squinting against the glare of the sun before his eyes focused on the brightly coloured insect in front of them, a smile breaking or onto his bewildered face.

It was a dragonfly, an actual dragonfly. Dan hadn’t seen one of those in years, not since those far off days spent in his grandmother’s backyard. It was still as beautiful as he remembered, it’s translucent wings appearing like gasoline when hit by the sun. It’s body was so small, so fragile, and as Dan observed it’s tiny, elegant frame, he wondered why the government had ever tried to kill these sweet little creatures. 

“Wow,” was all he could find it in himself to say. He watched in awe as the Red beside him slowly extended an arm towards the bug, fingers nudging gently under the completely still dragonfly’s miniscule feet. Somehow, as if he were some sort of bug-whisperer or something, Phil managed to calmly get the dragonfly onto his finger, retracting his arm to show Dan up close. 

“This is what I wanted to show you,” he spoke quietly, eyes still trained intently on the tiny life he held. 

“I haven’t seen one of these since I was with–“ Aaron. He was going to say Aaron. He was going to tell Phil about how he hadn’t seen a single dragonfly since he’d been exploring his grandmother’s garden with his little brother, but he couldn’t bring his lips and tongue to form the name. He shook his head instead, not bothering to finish his sentence. Phil didn’t seem to mind. “How did you know there’d be dragonflies here?” He asked instead.

Phil shrugged. “When I’m not at home or with you, I’m here. There’s always dragonflies– it’s been my little secret for quite awhile now, hasn’t it?” He asked the still unmoving insect quietly. He lifted his head to look back up at Dan. “I saw a few of them one time when I was passing through, and I thought they were so beautiful that I knew I had to come back. I figure there aren’t too many of these left, so I’ll keep the remaining ones company for as long as I can.”

Dan smiled, feeling the pull to rest his head against Phil’s shoulder and just barely stopping himself. He didn’t want to make this moment awkward, but for whatever reason his brain had decided this would be a lovely time to show his appreciation for sharing Phil’s secret in the form of physical affection. Odd. 

“Why did they ever think it was a good idea to try and make them extinct?” Dan asked curiously, partially because he’d forgotten, but also partially because he was so wrapped up in the way Phil looked at the little dragonfly that he couldn’t help but wonder how anyone else couldn’t feel the same. 

Phil frowned, shaking his head. “We weren’t even alive when it happened. My mum was, but she won’t talk about it. She says it was too much of a tragedy that something so beautiful was killed.”

“Oh, well I agree. They’re too pretty and innocent.”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, I especially like them because they remind me of everyone in the city.”

Dan looked at him in confusion, raising a brow and waiting for Phil to explain. 

“Well, just like us, there are a bunch of different types of dragonflies. They’re all different shapes and sizes, some of them are blue and some of them are red. But really, I don’t even see too much of a difference. They’re all gorgeous to me,” he explained, eyes trained back on the creature’s wings. 

Dan nodded. That made sense. That actually made more sense than he cared to admit, and it only made him sad. Phil was right– everyone in the city was different in their own special way, and yet they’d somehow decided to make the situation a bad one by deciding the entire population into two groups. “At least dragonflies don’t discriminate,” he remarked with a laugh. 

Phil returned the gesture before letting the little bug fly away and land on a blade of grass by the pond. 

Their company held nothing but comfortable chatter for the rest of the morning, interluded every so often by a comfortable quiet. Phil led him back to his house shortly after noon, saying a kind goodbye before heading back in a direction that Dan assumed would lead him home. 

He really appreciated Phil opening up in this way to him, showing him private bits and details of his life that he may not have shown anyone else. Part of it made him itch to see more of the real Phil, the Phil that liked dragonflies and humouring himself with hilariously stupid romance novels in his spare time. He liked that Phil. He liked having this insight into who he was and what he wanted. It made him feel all that much closer to having a true friend. 

—

When it was finally time for the dreaded dinner at his parents’ place and after a quick shower, Dan changed into a slightly nicer shirt, not bothering to pick out new jeans and instead wearing the same ones from earlier. His hair was a curly mess like usual, his cheeks flushed from the heat radiating off the bathroom mirror he stood in front of. 

He brushed his teeth again, glancing down at the holder while doing so, and yes, Phil’s spare toothbrush was still sitting beside the tube of toothpaste. Only maybe he wouldn’t throw it out after all. He’d have to see how things played out. 

He was out of the house before he could bother worrying about his tattoo, the way it was still on full display due to the intense heat of the day quickly coming to it’s close. He walked down the long dust road, resisting the urge to pull his shirt up over his nose due to his allergies, until he made it into a more urban bit of the city a few long minutes later, sitting down at one of the few city bus stops while he waited to be picked up. 

The bus ride wasn’t very enjoyable, not that it ever had been, and when he finally arrived at the stop closest to his old house he was more thankful than he’d thought he would be. The walk to their house wasn’t long at all, only taking Dan about five minutes before he was climbing the front stairs and knocking on the door.

Said door swung open in a flash, and then he was being attacked by a warm hug from his mother, the tightness of her hold threatening Dan’s ability to breathe, but he laughed nevertheless, wrapping his own arms around her shoulders. 

“Hi, mum,” he greeted, kissing the top of her head before pulling away with much difficulty. 

“Oh, Daniel! I’ve missed you so much, love . . .” She continued speaking, probably gushing over just how unbearable it was without her only son around and trying to guilt him into stopping by more often, but he was otherwise occupied looking behind her at the girl leaning against the dining room wall and smirking. 

Of course they hadn’t just wanted to see him on a whim. Of course this wasn’t about catching up or light conversation. This was about setting Dan up with the prettiest girl they could manage to find in time to rope Dan in. Because as everyone knows, all almost twenty six year olds should be far less reclusive and pathetic, and of course married happily to some successful woman with two children and a cat. 

Dan didn’t want any of that. He didn’t want a cat, or kids, and he especially didn’t want to marry whatever girl his parents threw his way. But at the same time, he was nearly certain he wasn’t going to be able to walk away without giving this girl a chance whether he liked it or not. 

Tonight was going to be fucking hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated :) have a lovely day !!


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m tired, stressed, and stayed up late to finish this, but at least I now have one less thing to worry about tomorrow. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

His mum was still going on and on about something Dan was too distracted to listen to, probably trying her hand at buttering him up before throwing that random girl his way in the hopes that they might ‘click’. 

It was ridiculous, really, that she would do something like this to him. He was an adult, he could find someone by himself and in his own time. He certainly didn’t need his family tricking him into a setup, thinking he was merely coming over for dinner to catch up with his parents. All that made him feel was a pang of betrayal. 

“Who’s this?” He asked sharply, interrupting his mum, who was still babbling endlessly. 

She paused. Dan looked quickly to her before switching his attention back to the unfamiliar girl behind her. 

His mum, Harriet, laughed nervously, noticing his tense stature before glancing over her shoulder at mystery girl. “Oh, Dan, I’d like you to meet Veda!” She enthused, smiling brightly to cover up the knowledge that she’d fucked up. Dan was going to tell her that later, too. She switched her attention to Veda. “Veda, this is my son, Dan.”

Veda smiled awkwardly, the smirk from earlier having now disappeared. She was now obviously just as uncomfortable in this situation as Dan, himself. She gave a curt wave, sympathy clear in her green eyes when Harriet turned away. 

Dan cleared his throat, glaring sharply at his mother. “Can I talk to you for a minute, mum?” He asked. 

Harriet turned to smile politely at Veda, excusing herself briefly before stepping outside and shutting the door behind her.

“What is it, Daniel?” She asked, her tone sounding unimpressed as she crossed her arms over her chest. Maybe because she was cold, or maybe because she’d really thought she’d done the right thing as his mother. 

He scoffed, raising his eyebrows. “Seriously? You’re trying to set me up with some girl I don’t even know?”

Harriet shifted on her feet. “Veda’s a nice girl, I think you’ll really like her,” she argued. 

“That’s not the point, mum! I’m sure she’s wonderful, but I’m supposed to be the one who finds my own girlfriend or whatever.” Emphasis on ‘whatever’. “That’s my job!”

Sighing, his mum looked down to the ground in front of her feet, looking just a tad bit guilty. “Well, I’m sorry, but she’s already here, so think of it as a motherly push.”

Dan waited a few long seconds before replying, worrying that if he didn’t wait he’d say the wrong thing and make the rest of the night terribly awkward for all of them –not that it wouldn’t probably already be. 

“I’m gonna motherly-push you out the window if you ever do this again,” Dan joked, cracking a difficult smile as if to lighten the mood. He really didn’t want to stop being cross with her, but that’s not why he’d come to his parent’s place. Besides, dinners were awkward enough on their own, so adding a tense element probably wasn’t best. 

“You wish. Now come back inside, I don’t want the food to get cold.”

As it turned out, Harriet Howell’s idea of a ‘motherly push’ was more of a motherly shove, as she practically forced Dan and Veda to sit shoulder to shoulder at the table, which in turn only made them both discretely scoot further away from one another when she wasn’t looking. 

The actual dinner was good, or it would have been good if Dan was actually able to enjoy it. Instead, he was being pestered with questions about every single aspect of his life every five seconds with no let up.

“Veda works for the government! Isn’t that special, Dan?” His mother exclaimed enthusiastically. 

Dan hummed and nodded, poking at his mashed potatoes unenthusiastically with his fork. 

It had been like this for at least half an hour, every few minutes being marked by some incredibly impressive fact about Veda that only made Dan feel like he really was failing in life. She really did sound like someone interesting, someone that he might’ve wanted to know had his brother still been around. Dan could actually imagine Aaron being much like Veda; successful, smart, funny, someone to be really proud of. Hell, even if Aaron had somehow managed to wind up like Dan, himself, he knew he still would’ve been so proud of his baby brother.

After a few more failed attempts at making Dan romantically interested in Veda, Harriet finally gave up, letting them all, including Dan’s unimpressed looking father, eat in peace. 

They all pitched in on cleaning up after dinner, Veda taking care of packaging up the leftovers while Dan and his father did the washing up together in complete silence. He’d never been one to talk much to his dad, and his dad hadn’t exactly ever encouraged it either way. He was Harriet’s best friend, but merely Dan’s acquaintance. 

“Would you like to go sit on the swing outside?” Asked Veda, her voice rather quiet as she watched Dan dry the suds from his hands and arms. 

Being polite, Dan smiled. “Yeah, sure.” Only he wasn’t sure, because there was a good chance that his mum had pressured her into asking him out seeing as she probably thought he was just too chicken to do it himself, and Dan liked Veda, but not like that. 

Tugging his long sleeves back over his hands, he followed her out the back door and into his parents’ small garden, taking a seat beside her on the large wooden swing. He watched her fiddle with a few strands of her short auburn hair, praying that she wouldn’t try to scoot closer. 

A few moments of awkward silence passed between the two, the air, though fresh, feeling thick and expectant. Dan refused to look for his own sanity, but he was nearly sure that his mum was peering out some window spying on them right now. That wouldn’t surprise him in the least bit. 

“Dan?” Veda spoke suddenly, seeming anxious about something. Either that, or he was just beginning to project his own awkwardness onto other people. He wouldn’t be surprised. 

Dan tilted his head to the side in a way that he hoped didn’t make his slight discomfort too obvious. “Uh huh?”

“Was that incredibly awkward and forced for you too, or . . .” 

“Yes, thank god I’m not alone,” Dan breathed in a rush, pressing a dramatic hand over his heart. 

Veda laughed, leaning back against the back of the swing and putting her hands behind her neck, already seeming a thousand times more at ease than she’d been just seconds ago. 

“Good. Because, and don’t get me wrong, I like you, but I’m also very much a lesbian, so it probably wouldn’t have worked out,” she jabbed with a smirk.

Dan laughed, too, leaning back as well. “You don’t know how much of a relief that was to hear.”

“Are you gay, too?” She asked, her innocent question throwing him off greatly and leaving him struggling for words. As much as he’d like to answer Veda’s fair question, he really didn’t know. He didn’t like to think about it too much. 

Eventually, he settled for the vaguest explanation he could come up with. “Um, I actually have no idea who I like,” he admitted, his voice small but his lips smiling as if not to break the easy going vibe they had just established. 

“That’s okay, you don’t have to know,” Veda assured kindly. “This is completely unnecessary commentary and feel free to yell at me after for saying this, but you don’t give off overly straight vibes, my dude.”

Dan laughed. “Thanks.”

He wasn’t going to say it out loud, but he was thankful for Veda’s ‘unnecessary’ comment. He wasn’t exactly sure what qualified as straight vibes, but whatever they were, he wanted nothing to do with them. He thought briefly of douchebag Robbie Malcolm. He probably gave off major straight vibes. 

“Do you have a girlfriend?” Dan asked, trying to remove the heavy subject of conversation from his shoulders. 

Veda smiled, looking down at her swinging feet and letting her hair fall around her face. “Yeah,” she said softly. “Her name’s Mika. We’ve been together for a couple years now.”

“Tell me about her?”

Grinning, she continued. “She has these gorgeous chocolate brown eyes, and her teeth are kinda crooked, but it’s cute. She’s just really beautiful, y'know? Like, inside and outside. She’s just perfect.”

Dan returned Veda’s grin easily. “She sounds really wonderful.”

“She is,” agreed Veda. “What about you? Got your eyes on anyone special?”

For whatever reason, when Veda asked him this particular question, Dan’s mind flashed before him a shockingly clear image of Phil, eyes that same comforting grey and dressed in the clothes he’d worn when he’d come to visit earlier that day.

What was that supposed to mean? That he fancied Phil as more than just a friend? No way. They were just friends, that’s all. Dan didn’t want anything more than that from him. 

“No,” he answered instead. 

Veda gave him a look, the same kind Cate gave him when she could tell he wasn’t being completely honest about something. It scared him that everyone seemed to be able to look right through him so easily. Was he always this transparent? How much did other people know about him that Dan didn’t know, himself? 

Maybe he needed to get better at hiding his emotions, he wondered, swinging his legs back and forth until Veda began conversation about something else, probably suffering just as much in the awkward silence as Dan was. 

It wasn’t too long after that they were getting cold and retreating back into the warmth of his parents’ home, and not at all long after that until Veda was saying her goodbyes and calling a taxi, offering to pay for Dan’s way home though he refused, instead catching the last bus of the night before collapsing tiredly on his warm bed. 

—

It was a few days later on Saturday afternoon and Dan was hurriedly throwing things into his shopping cart in the grocery store downtown. He was trying his best to be as quick as possible, seeing as Phil had stopped by a few days prior to invite Dan around to his place. What that entailed, he wasn’t sure, but it sounded fun nevertheless. 

Maybe he’d finally be able to see past that slowly withering protective layer Phil kept at all times. Come to think of it, he didn’t even know Phil’s last name.

The latter had agreed to swing by around two PM to grab Dan, and it was already nearing one thirty. He’d been fine and ready to go much earlier, but as he’d been searching his cupboards and fridge for something to eat he’d been reminded of the disappointing lack of food in his home. 

Theoretically, he totally could’ve waited until the next day to go shopping, but chances were he’d be home by dinner and in that case, he wouldn’t have anything to eat. He didn’t quite fancy starving. 

So as a result of his need to put food in his belly he found himself neck deep in the closest grocery store to his home, the one he’d brought Phil to last time. It was rather pathetic, he thought, just how much he’d forgotten to get last time he’d been shopping merely because Phil had been with him. He hadn’t even bought cereal. 

“Ouch!” He exclaimed quietly as one of his hands became squished between the thin metal bars of the cart and the weight of the milk he’d been dropping into it. 

He was just about done with the last of his shopping and ready to go pay. Quickly grabbing some apples and on his way over the the checkout area, he determined that self checkout would be much faster and easier than having to make uselessly time consuming small talk with a fifty year old cashier who didn’t care at all about the words leaving his mouth. They’d probably only judge him for the odd amount of snack foods in his cart, and he didn’t have time for that. 

Soon he was pushing through the doors of the large supermarket and unhappily exchanging cool air for the ridiculous summer heat. At this rate, his apples were going to go bad. 

The walk home was of course disgustingly hot and unbearable, as that was to be expected when summer was nearly at its prime. It certainly wouldn't be long before the weather became so hot that Dan wouldn't want to leave the house in the morning in fear of getting heat stroke on the way to work. It’d happened before, and it was definitely something that Dan didn’t want to repeat. 

Not to mention, the dust was still –and probably always would be– a problem when it came to his allergies. He couldn’t go a day anymore without feeling like he couldn’t breathe on the way to and from his own home, and with healthcare costing far more than anyone like Dan could afford, allergy meds were out of the question. 

Creaking the door open and reminding himself to get that fixed, Dan made his way into the refreshingly cool house, dropping his groceries on the counter with a huff. He hoped none of the colder items had gone bad in the heat, but in all reality he’d probably eat it anyway without complaining. 

“Miss me?” A voice asked suddenly from behind Dan, causing him to jump. 

He turned on his heel in a matter of milliseconds, sighing in relief when it was merely Phil leaning over the side of his sofa where he was sitting.

Dan laughed, shaking his head. “You scared me, you spoon.”

Chuckling, Phil stood from the sofa and rounded the furniture until he was standing only a few feet away from Dan, leant against the sofa’s back. “You need to start locking your screen door,” he advised with a smirk. 

“Hey, I like living on the edge,” Dan lied. He actually just kept forgetting to turn the lock. 

Phil helped him in putting away the groceries, though most of that just meant Phil asking where something went and Dan putting it away for him. It was a mostly functional system, so neither could complain. 

Too quickly, Phil was reminding Dan why he was over in the first place and laughing as he moaned and groaned about having to go outside into the heat again. It would be even worse going through the field as there was no shade.

“Come on, we’ve got to go,” he sighed playfully, grabbing Dan gently by the bare skin of his electric blue coloured elbow and pulling him towards the door. 

Dan didn’t want to admit how much he liked the feeling of Phil’s hand on his skin, the way the warmth of him was somehow bearable compared to the dry warmness of the air surrounding them. 

He made sure to lock the door this time, shoving his key deep into his front pocket and following Phil into the sweltering hot field. 

As they pushed through tall grass and swatted at annoyingly buzzing bugs, the two played games of I Spy, however childish that seemed. It helped pass the time between Dan’s house and Rougensdale and distract them from the overbearing heat, so who were they to complain?

Well, Dan was still going to complain because it was hot, and they’d been walking for what felt like forever. 

“I Spy something tall, Blue, and whiny,” Phil said with a sly smile as he pushed a particularly long bit of grass out of the way for Dan. 

“You can’t do people,” he deadpanned with a glare, a smile creeping onto his lips slowly. 

“That’s not a rule, Dan.”

“Fine then. I spy something lanky, Red, and rude to their friend.”

“I hate you.”

“Sure you do.”

They went on with their pointless and playful banter for a few more minutes before the grass began to clear and was instead replaced by patches of dirt and tarmac, signifying the edge of Rougensville was close. 

As the neighbourhood gradually became more and more populated by Reds of all shapes and sizes, ethnicities and cultures, Dan noticed a blatant lack of staring eyes his way. Every other time he’d even come remotely close to a Red community he’d been bombarded with a handful of rude questions and a ton of stares. But this, this was nice. He didn’t feel wrong in being there, but maybe that was just because he was with Phil. He seemed to have that calming effect over him. 

“Try not to stare or make long eye contact, okay?” Phil suggested quietly, his warm breath fanning over the side of Dan’s head as he spoke into his ear. “Not everyone here is nice, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

There he had to go again, making him feel that pang in his chest followed by the overwhelming butterfly feeling in his stomach. 

Eventually, Phil was announcing that they were getting really close to his apartment, which by the looks of things was closer to the nicer side of the community. Nice being a loosely used term. 

Phil pushed the door to a fairly large apartment complex open, the exterior lined with deteriorating bricks and chipped blue paint. He led Dan up a painstakingly long and steep spiral of stairs, the staircase having the both of them panting by the time they reached the third floor, which was really quite sad, but neither cared. Instead they laughed, clutching at their throats and bellies in an attempt to make the burning sensation stop. 

Dan felt a strange twinge of excitement and anticipation as Phil pulled a key from his pocket, finally processing that he was about to see the inside of a place where Phil lived every day he wasn’t with Dan. He wasn’t left with much time to ponder what it might be like, though, before Phil was unlocking the door. 

Phil’s door seemed to be one of the only ones which was painted a fresh coat of yellow, yet the hinges were just as squeaky as Dan’s, if not squeakier. 

As soon as he entered the surprisingly large lounge entrance, Dan’s eyes flew to the what seemed like dozens of bulletin boards lining every inch of the otherwise unoccupied walls, each one littered with papers and forms featuring hundreds of what appeared to be mugshots of some sort. They all seemed to belong to different people, most of which looked to be Blues judging by the slightly faded colour of their photographed right shoulders. 

He was rather confused for a moment before Phil spoke up, nonchalantly informing him that the were files of the people they helped. They needed to keep their information accessible in case of any emergent issues, according to him. 

Dan nodded, slowly walking up to one of the many cork boards and smoothing his hand gently over one of the pages. The form showed a picture of a woman in her twenties, a few years younger than Dan from what he could tell by the page’s information bit. She had mousy brown hair that was only made duller by the low quality ink of the photo, her brown eyes filled with something Dan could only describe as sadness. It was the same look he gave himself each morning as he looked at himself in the mirror and his eyes landed on his tattoo. He momentarily wondered if that meant anything significant.

There were footsteps behind him, and as he turned around he saw a man maybe a bit older than Phil standing in the open doorway connecting the lounge to what appeared to be the kitchen, giving Dan and Phil a curious look. He had light brown hair and resembled Phil a bit, something in his cheekbones and eyes telling Dan that they were inarguably related. 

“Hey,” Phil greeted the man, giving a lazy wave before turning to look at Dan, who was still watching the man with equally curious eyes. 

Suddenly something seemed to click in the man’s brain, his eyes widening delightfully and an easy smile breaking out onto his face. 

“Are you gonna introduce me to your friend?” He asked expectantly, raising his eyebrows at the black haired Red. 

Phil smiled sheepishly, still looking at Dan, who could’ve sworn he’d seen Phil blush if only for a moment. 

“Martyn, this is Dan,” he said, glancing in Martyn’s direction and gesturing at Dan. “And Dan,” he spoke, giving him a strange look. “This is my brother, Martyn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, comments and kudos are super appreciated. Have a lovely day !! <3


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this is once again late because procrastination is my only talent, but it’s here nevertheless, so drink up. 
> 
> The only reason I was motivated to finish this today, really, was because of an anon I received on tumblr (about the Against London series, mind you) that made me feel soooo much better about my writing. So if you’ve ever left a kind comment on one of my works, I just wanna say thank you, because it really makes my day. 
> 
> Anyway, this is unedited, but I really hope you enjoy it :•)

“This is my brother, Martyn.” The way Phil finished his introduction made Dan wonder why he seemed reluctant, if not a little bit scared to have him meet his older brother. Not that he could tell much from knowing the guy for point five seconds, but he didn’t seem all too bad, right? If he was anything like Phil then he was probably wonderful, as well. 

Dan waved too, smiling politely. “Hey,” he said nonchalantly before shifting his eyes to look at Phil who still seemed to be on edge. 

Martyn nodded in acknowledgment of him, offering his own smile, though there was something other than mere kindness hidden behind it, Dan could tell. 

“So you’re the bloke that Philly, here, won’t stop talking about?” He asked with a raised brow, smile turning into more of a smirk as he shifted gaze between the two younger men across the room from himself. 

Was he actually serious? Did Phil talk about him when they weren’t together? Something about the idea of the Red even mentioning his name to someone else made his insides feel fluttery for a minute, trying his best to keep the feeling from spreading in the form of a warm pinkish tone across his neck and cheeks. Phil talked about him. 

He laughed– half because Martyn was trying to make a joke, clearly, and he really didn’t want to be known as ‘that friend of Phil’s who doesn’t get a joke’. Also partly because he was afraid that if he took the comment too seriously that then he wouldn’t be the one laughing anymore. 

“Phil?” Dan spoke quietly, silently asking for his own statement on the matter. It really wasn’t as big of a deal as his brain was making it out to be, but it still made him feel weak nevertheless. It wasn’t even that he never talked about Phil when he wasn’t around, because he did. He talked about him to Cate, and his mum– however briefly, and he’d even nearly spoken about him to Veda a few nights ago. 

He wondered if Phil’s insides and mind would have the same reactions that he did if he knew that Dan talked about him, too. Probably not, though. Phil didn’t seem like the love starved, affection craving idiot who would grasp at the concept of being special even if it meant his brain was merely playing games with him. That just wasn’t Phil.

“I’ve talked about him like maybe three times,” protested Phil, his voice a tad bit whiny and childish sounding. Dan wanted to laugh again, but he’d save Phil the misery. 

Martyn crossed his arms, his body language reading in a way that meant ‘you sure about that?’. 

“Oh right, because you totally weren’t going on and on about his–“

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” The younger sibling asked, trying to laugh off Martyn’s words without seeming suspicious yet failing miserably.

His what? What had Phil been going on about that Martyn deemed so clearly as blackmail material? And why wasn’t Dan allowed to hear?

Martyn smirked that same devious smirk again, leaning against the doorway and clearly believing that Phil’s reaction had been a success in his books. “Yeah, I do, actually. I’m gonna go meet with a potential client for a few hours and then I’ll be back later. Don’t raid the kitchen while I’m gone.”

“No promises.”

Grabbing his keys off a hook on the wall, Martyn glared at his younger brother with knowing eyes, moving past the two younger men and stopping once he made it to the creaky door that put Dan’s own to shame, turning to face the boys. “Oh, and just in case you’re gone when I get back, Dan, it was really nice meeting you,” he spoke, his smile now genuine. 

Dan returned the gesture easily, nodding in agreement. “Yeah, it was nice to meet you, too.”

Within a few minutes of his departure, Dan was wondering curiously about one of the last things Martyn had said. It probably meant what he thought it did, but he figured it wouldn’t hurt to check with Phil, right? 

“When he said a ‘potential client’, did he mean . . . ?” He didn’t know how to finish the question, how to word it. A potential Yellow? A potential citizen willing to give up their status to live in some out of city playground where Phil’s mum lived, apparently? 

“Someone who wants to be a Yellow, yeah,” Phil answered, quickly flipping through a few of the tacked up files before pulling one down and accidentally ripping a tear in the white paper. “If I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably this one.”

He handed the file to Dan, whose eyes scanned over the details of this man’s life written in slightly smudged ink. “How do you know?” He asked before handing the sheet back to Phil and watching him tack it up again, this time in a different spot.

“Despite what it might look like, Martyn’s actually a big neat freak. All the files have a certain order and system on the board to keep the process fair and Martyn sane,” he explained. “This board is for newer submissions and requests that we have to take care of. These boards–“ he gestured to the many other boards lining the walls of the room, most of which were filled with files upon files stacked on top of one another, concealing the sheets below the top one. “–are filled with all the files of people we’ve converted into Reds in the past.”

Dan nodded along with Phil’s words, slowly taking in the sheets upon sheets of files hung everywhere around him, scanning for any familiar faces, though finding none. “Wow,” was all he could manage. 

“Yeah, it’s intense, but it works for us both. I think we’d both go crazy if Martyn’s girlfriend hadn’t had organized it all for us.”

“His girlfriend?” Dan inquired. 

“Yeah, Cornelia. She’s one of the Blues who helps us tattoo the people.” He paused. “I think you’d like her actually.”

Dan knew he was pushing his luck, but at this point he really couldn’t bring himself to give two fucks. “Maybe I could meet her one day?” 

Phil cracked a smile, greyish blue eyes filling with something Dan could only describe as warmth. “Yeah, I think she’d like that.”

Deciding to change the subject before he let whatever that fluttery feeling in his stomach was take over and seep into his words, he asked his next question. 

“So how do the interviews work, then?” He asked, shoving his hands into his jean pockets. 

Phil chuckled, gesturing for Dan to start following him down a surprisingly long hallway off the lounge. “I actually don’t know much about the interviews– I’m not really the one who does that kind of stuff.”

“Right, you’re more of the setting fires guy,” laughed Dan, the first joke he’d made about the fires in relation to Phil that didn’t make either of them cringe or shy away from the subject. That was progress, right? 

“Right,” Phil answered as they rounded the corner into a fairly small bedroom decorated in bright greens and blues, with lime green walls and colourful posters and paintings lining the walls, a refreshing contrast to the hundreds of files out in the lounge. “So this is me. What do you think?” He asked. 

Dan looked around the room in awe, taking in the brightness and boyishness of it all. There was a surprising amount of small plushies and little knickknacks and figurines lining the white shelves, a dresser by the head of the bed housing what must’ve been dozens of Buffy The Vampire Slayer comic books, items that Dan didn’t even know existed anymore beyond his late grandmother’s attic. 

“This is your room?” He asked quietly, his voice an equal mix of surprise and bewilderment. 

Phil nodded. “Yeah. I know it looks like a fifteen year old lives in here, but being a teenager was the best time of my life so far for me, y’know? Part of me doesn’t want to let go of it just yet.”

“No, I get it,” Dan was quick to insert. “It’s lovely, Phil, really. It suits you, oddly enough.” 

He definitely wasn’t lying when he said that, even though when he usually thought of Phil –which was becoming more often than not, much to his dismay– he thought of the mysterious and dark things he represented mixed with the way Phil made him feel, which he could only describe as . . . as purple. Phil made him feel purple. Not quite Blue, but not quite Red, either. 

And maybe what he was describing was really Yellow. Maybe that’s how all those people out there on those bulletin boards felt every single day of their lives. And Dan would be lying if he said he didn’t want to feel like that everyday as well.

Regardless, though, he still wasn’t ready for that. As much as he hated being a Blue, it was what he was used to, and like Phil wasn’t ready to give up his teen bedroom, Dan wasn’t ready to give up familiarity quite yet. 

So for now he was quite content with feeling purple in Phil’s company. 

“Really?” The aforementioned asked. 

“Yeah. I know you’re all strange and dark and all, but this is just . . . it’s just you. I don’t know how to describe it.”

“Well thank you, I think.”

“You’re welcome,” Dan smiled, moving to sit on the edge of Phil’s bed, the latter following suit. “So you like Buffy?” He asked, nodding to the stack of comics on the dresser, on most of which the covers depicted Sarah Michelle Gellar doing some insanely heroic thing with a gazillion ugly looking beasts in the background. 

Phil nodded eagerly, his smile growing into a wide grin. “Yeah! My mom actually found anything Buffy related I own in a second hand store downtown. What about you?”

“My grandma used to have a bunch of the comics in her storage boxes that me and my little brother would go through when we were bored,” said Dan, just barely making the decision to mention Aaron, scooching back on the bed a bit. 

“Oh, I didn’t know you have a brother.” 

Dan winced, feeling immediate regret. “He’s not really in the picture anymore,” he answered, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. 

Phil left it that, seeming to understand from his body language that Dan didn’t want to talk about it further. He shouldn’t have brought it up. He should’ve said that it was only him at his grandma’s, should’ve pretended that he didn’t have a brother in the first place. That’s what he did with everyone else who asked. 

“Have you ever seen the show?” Dan gave Phil a puzzled look, trying hard to remember what they were talking about before his slip up. “Buffy, I mean.”

“Oh,” sighed Dan. “No, only the comics.”

Phil grinned again, eyes excited and more vibrant than they’d ever been. “You need to watch it with me! It’s fucking amazing, I promise.”

Dan chuckled at his excitement, settling up against Phil’s headboard while the latter busied himself putting a disc into the slot in his ancient looking DVD machine before sitting up beside Dan. 

“Are you okay that I put it in from where I am in the series?” He asked, something in those slightly bluer eyes telling Dan to say yes, whatever Phil wanted.

He nodded instead, crossing his legs at the ankle. With Phil’s shoulder and thigh pressed against his own, part of him wondered why they’d ever bothered sitting in separate chairs. He liked this much better, liked feeling close to Phil. 

“Ready?”

“Aren’t you gonna catch me up first?”

—

They sat together on Phil’s bed for what was probably hours, going through episodes and episodes of vampire fighting action and yelling at the screen when something went wrong. His bed being rather small and cramped, Dan had to continue moving in closer to Phil in order to keep himself from sliding off the side and landing on his bum. Eventually, Phil pressed himself against the wall and patted the now larger empty space beside him, Dan taking the unspoken offer and moving closer to the Red’s inviting form. 

At some point, they’d gotten hungry, Dan sending Phil out into the kitchen to find them something to eat while he stayed glued to his spot on the bed with the show paused before him. While Phil was gone, Dan’s eyes found themselves wandering from one place to another, silently absorbing the room and all its little quirks and oddities. 

There were quite a few lion plushies, ranging in all shapes and sizes and lying practically everywhere throughout the man’s room. Phil clearly liked the animal, a fact that Dan would have to store away for birthdays and other gift-giving events. 

Come to think of it, Dan didn’t know when Phil’s birthday was. He really didn’t even know his last name. Mind you, Phil didn’t know his either, but was he as aware of it as Dan was? Did it matter as much to him as it mattered to Dan?

Phil reentered the room with a bag of crisps held under his arm and two glasses of water, setting the drinks on the bedside table next to Dan before crawling back onto the bed. 

“What’s your last name?” Blurted Dan, curiosity winning over any doubt in his mind that Phil would answer without thinking it was a weird question. 

Phil laughed quietly, ripping the bag open between them. “Lester. Yours?”

“Howell,” Dan answered. “If you make a wolf joke I’ll defenestrate you,” he warned. 

“Dunno what that means, but I’ll definitely try to steer clear of the wolf jokes, I guess.”

“Good. Oh! And when’s your birthday? I don’t even know how old you are.”

Phil smirked. “January thirtieth. And how old do you think I am?” 

Dan chewed on his bottom lip, trying to think of an accurate estimate. “In your late seventies, maybe?”

They both laughed, Phil bumping his shoulder against Dan’s and Dan’s heart beating double time in response. 

“You’re just a little bit off. I’m actually only thirty, so sorry to disappoint.”

Dan’s eyes widened as he took the sight of Phil in for the billionth time. He certainly didn’t look his age, in fact Dan had thought he was maybe just a little older than himself.

“You’re thirty?” He gasped. 

Phil shrugged a shoulder. “Do I look older?” He asked, seeming worried. 

Dan laughed. “No, I thought you were like my age, or something.”

“And how old are you?” 

“Um, twenty five, but I turn twenty six on the eleventh.” Right, in ten days. 

“I’m buying you a birthday gift,” decided the older man before shoving a crisp in his mouth. 

“No you’re fucking not.”

They pressed play on the show again, falling into a rhythm of reaching their hands into a greasy bag every few seconds and telling the other to shut up and stop chewing when a character was talking about something important. It was a relatively good system, and eventually it had Dan losing interest in both the crisps and the show all together, his head feeling drowsy. 

The only thing that was really keeping him awake at this point in the game was the cold glass of water against his lips every minute or so, but eventually even that ran dry, and Dan swore he was going to fall asleep right next to Phil if he didn’t go get more. 

Or maybe he should just go home, he thought. Then he wouldn’t have to worry about falling asleep. Oh well, he’d decide after he got more water. 

“Is it cool if I go refill my glass?” He mumbled, tapping the tips of his fingers lightly against the side. 

Phil hummed, pausing the show mid Buffy-versus-Vampire fight. “Yeah, cold water’s in the refrigerator.”

After pushing himself up and off the bed, Dan made his way back down the hall leading to the lounge and went straight on into the kitchen, keeping his eyes down the entire way as to ignore the files lining the lounge walls. It’s not that he didn’t like them, they just made him feel a bit too overwhelmed and confused because the look in their eyes reminded him of himself, and that was scary. 

Settling his glass on the counter, he then opened the fridge, scanning carefully for a jug of water or something of the sort. Surprisingly, what he did see was a lot of fresh produce and fairly healthy –and probably delicious– food, all spread over shelves and drawers and compartments. It made him wonder why Phil ever bothered eating at Dan’s place when all he had was microwave meals and shitty leftovers. 

Finally, he pulled out a large and clear canister of water, pouring the liquid into his cup and putting it back in the refrigerator, ready to leave the room and head back to Phil when suddenly Martyn was standing in the doorway, causing Dan to jump a little before laughing nervously. 

“Hey,” he spoke, eyes shifting between Martyn’s own and the open space he was blocking. 

“Hey,” Martyn echoed. “What’ve you and Phil been doing?”

He didn’t sound accusatory, but a little bit suspicious, maybe. Of what, though? 

“Binge watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” he answered slowly with furrowed brows, watching as Martyn’s face morphed from an expression of curiosity to one of confusion. 

“Really? I thought you two would’ve been busy doing . . . Other things?”

What kind of ‘other things’ would they be doing? There really wasn’t much in Phil’s room in terms of entertainment except for his television and his comics, unless of course you counted himself and Phil and– oh. Oh gods, he thought they were doing that? 

“Oh, no, no, no,” he stuttered, still laughing though the anxiety in his tone was now elevated tenfold. “We’re not like that, me and Phil are just friends, I swear–“

“I meant talking about what we do for a living, but okay, I guess I’m slightly relieved to hear that, too.”

If Dan was flustered before, he was definitely absolutely flabbergasted now. Breathing slowly, he took a sip of his water, appreciating the cool trail it made as it traveled down his throat. “Wow, alrighty.”

They seemed to stand in a terribly awkward silence for a few suffocatingly long moments, Dan with his elbow leaning against the counter while Martyn continually shifted his weight between feet with his hands shoved into his pockets. 

“Well I’m gonna go back to him now, so.” 

Dan had barely managed to slip past the older man when he felt a hand on his shoulder, retracting immediately once he’d caught Dan’s attention again long enough to keep him rooted in his spot. 

“He really does talk about you all the time, you know,” said Martyn, his eyes looking directly at Dan in a way that made him feel as though there was no truth to be hidden, no possible way to deny this statement. “And, y’know, he doesn’t have a lot of friends– or, well, any at all, really. So just . . .”

Dan seemed to click into exactly what Martyn was trying to tell him as the Red struggled to find the right words to convey his message. He failed miserably, slumping his shoulders and giving him those eyes again. “Don’t mess him up,” Dan offered as an end, more of a promise than a question. 

Martyn looked grateful for his interjection, nodding. “Yeah, don’t fuck him up.”

Dan was confident –well, more like strongly hopeful– that he wouldn’t fuck Phil up. Or at least he’d try his hardest not to. 

“Okay. I’m gonna go back to Phil’s room now, so I guess I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” smiled Martyn. “Goodnight, Dan.”

“Night.”

When he re enterd Phil’s green and blue themed room, crawling back onto his spot beside Phil and placing his glass of water on the side table once more, he didn’t tell him of his chat with Phil’s older brother. Maybe because in the strangest way, it felt like the words they exchanged were part of one big secret, the taboo subject being that he wouldn’t break Phil. He hoped that Phil wouldn’t break him, either. 

As Dan had half expected, Phil had pressed play at some point while he’d been out chatting it up with Martyn. He didn’t blame him, he’d taken forever. And besides, he was too tired to care about the show anymore. 

Phil greeted him silently with a smile, bumping their sides together playfully. “It’s getting late,” he said quietly, his voice somehow softer than it’d been before. 

“Yeah, I should probably get going.”

“You don’t work tomorrow, right?” Dan shook his head. “Then stay.”

Dan didn’t argue, maybe because he was too tired, or maybe because he didn’t really want to leave at all. They turned their attention back to Buffy and both watched with eyes closing slowly and minds growing progressively fuzzier until the disc had run dry of episodes to play and was instead showing the main menu until the system eventually turned itself off by default. 

Their bodies were rather squished together, and even if he were awake Dan probably wouldn’t have cared all that much. When he dreamt, it was of a colour so blue and yet so grey that it sparked something deep and dormant in Dan’s chest, recognition of the shade making imaginary arms grasp for closure until they pulled Phil Lester’s eyes from the abyss. 

He liked when Phil’s eyes were so blue, the bluest he’d ever seen them. He liked the passion and wonder they held beneath them. He dreamed that he was the reason for that exploding bundle of emotion. He wanted to be the reason in his waking hours, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated. I hope you have a lovely day :•)


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh Im so so sorry this is a whole day late, I honestly don’t have a good excuse other than that I was tired all week, so excuse my tardiness. 
> 
> This chapter has some rude cops in it, so be warned cause they suck ass. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter !!

Dan had always quite fancied dreaming. It was like being awake in a world where things were always a little off kilter, just a tad bit out of the ordinary. In Dan’s dreams, his reality was always being moulded in the tips of his fingers until all he could do was smile at the outcome, so pleased with how things were in this quite literally unreal world where he lived the way he wanted to, manipulating the atmosphere until he was content. 

Dreams were always an escape that he could count on, a place to hide from his responsibilities and keep him safe from the consequences he would face when he next awoke. So it was understandable, that when he was pulled from his dreams in favour of hellishly loud rustling somewhere within his house, he wasn’t too pleased. 

His eyes shot open, searching for something in the darkness to cement why he wasn’t covered in his warm duvet and why the room smelled not like him, but like someone else he knew. And then he remembered he was with Phil, that he had fallen asleep watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer on the little box television in the Red’s green and blue themed room. 

Only he couldn’t see any of those colours with the room being so dark, nearly pitch black, and when he cautiously waved a hand through the air where Phil should’ve been lying, he realized that he was missing, as well. 

Dan sat up, searching with eyes that were as good as blind for something like an alarm clock, or something else that might tell him what time it was in the night. Judging from the darkness surrounding his every move, he assumed it was probably sometime in the middle of the night, maybe closer to the wee hours of the morning. 

He was still very much groggy, his mind fuzzy and a bit confused as to why the two Lester brothers were banging around at this time in the night. What on earth were they doing that required so much heavy lifting, it seemed, and why so late? 

Before his head was anywhere near clear enough to seek an answer to his many questions, the door to Phil’s bedroom opened, letting streams of artificial light rush in as the aforementioned rushed in, making his way towards the bed and seeming rather on edge. 

“Phil?” Dan asked, his voice gravelly with sleep. He thanked whatever power was up there for Phil being more than a meter away from him as his breath probably smelled horrible. He’d have to ask Phil for a toothbrush. 

Phil sat down on the end of the bed, giving Dan desperate eyes and placing a finger over his own lips in a silencing motion. 

He waited a moment longer before speaking. “I don’t think I have much time to explain, but Martyn just got a call from one of our friends down the block and the police are doing a mandatory raid of everyone’s houses,” he rushed out quietly. 

“The police are coming here?” Dan asked, making sure to keep his voice low and somehow managing to keep his tired panic at bay. Phil nodded. “Why?”

“They do these things all the time in Red communities, it’ll be fine.”

“But what about the boards?”

“Martyn and I hid them,” Phil assured him. “We’ve done this before, Dan, you don’t have to worry about us. They’re just gonna want to see everyone in the apartment, so I needed to wake you up and . . .”

Dan swallowed. “Remind me not to snitch,” he finished for him. 

Phil looked down, nodding. 

“But won’t they be suspicious because I’m here?” Asked Dan, his voice slowly becoming more frantic though remaining lowered. “What if they think I’m doing something wrong?”

Closing the gap between them, Phil placed a warm hand on Dan’s upper left arm, rubbing comforting circles in the clothed skin with his thumb. “Hey, you’ll be okay, I promise. They might be suspicious, but they can’t legally do anything to you just for being here. Everything is going to be fine.”

Looking down at his still jean covered lap, Dan nodded slowly before looking back at Phil and then the open door behind him. 

“What time is it?” He asked. 

“Three forty something.”

“Won’t they be suspicious if this is a random check in and we’re all just awake?” He asked sceptically. 

“Martyn is setting up a board game in the lounge, so if they ask you can just tell them we’re having a game night.”

“More like a game morning.”

Phil laughed quietly, slipping his hand down Dan’s arm to rest against the latter’s own open palm. “Yeah, you’re right.” He paused, turning his head back in the direction of the door. The lighting was still incredibly dim, but Dan could tell the former was biting his lip. “We should probably get out there before they come,” he suggested. 

Dan let Phil lead him back out through the short hallway leading to the lounge where Martyn had set up what looked to be a half finished Monopoly game on the coffee table, surrounded by three nearly empty glasses of soda and an opened bag of crisps. They really had done this before, hadn’t they? 

Dan waved to Martyn sheepishly, stumbling a bit over his own feet as he made his way towards the sofa to sit down beside Phil. Maybe he was clinging a little too closely to Phil’s side, but he was still half asleep and afraid he’d accidentally say something horribly wrong when the cops showed up at their door. 

Out of nervousness and the urge to get the gross taste of unbrushed teeth out of his mouth, Dan reached forward and grabbed one of the half empty glasses of soda, bringing it to his lips and resisting the urge to spit out the too fizzy drink. 

“You don’t have to drink that, you know. It’s just for show,” spoke Phil, his voice and the laugh that soon followed both hushed. 

Dan shook his head, cringing at the overly carbonated taste. It was still better than the taste his mouth had previously been filled with. He hated going to bed without a minty mouth. 

“My mouth tasted gross,” he explained once the overwhelming fizzy feeling on his tongue had subsided. 

Phil bumped his shoulder against Dan’s. “I’ll get you a toothbrush once the cops leave, yeah?”

Dan smiled, while Martyn, on the other hand, sighed exasperatedly, sinking back into the cushions of the rather uncomfortable sofa. 

“What?” Phil asked, brows furrowed. “You didn’t dream the raid call again, did you?”

Again? Dan chuckled at the thought that that situation would’ve happened before. 

“No, they’re coming,” replied Martyn, shooting daggers at his little brother. “You two are just really . . . gross. Stop being so domestic, you’re worse than Corn and I, and you’re not even a couple.”

“Excuse me! No one’s worse than you and Corn. And shut up, I just offered him a toothbrush.”

“Exactly.”

“He has a toothbrush at my place,” Dan quipped, only shying away from the conversation once he realized just what that sounded like. Like Phil had a reason to stay overnight at Dan’s, like he did frequently. He mentally cursed himself. He was half asleep, though, he couldn’t be responsible for what came out of his mouth. “That sounded bad.”

The brothers laughed, Phil shaking his head. “It’s really did, Dan,” he chuckled. 

The aforementioned frowned exaggeratedly. “Does that mean I don’t get a toothbrush?”

Before anyone could answer his childish and exhaustion induced question, a loud knock sounded at the door, startling them all out of their giggly banter, foreheads creased as they worked on collecting themselves before Martyn slowly approached the door, opening it to reveal two hefty looking police officers dressed in bulky, green uniforms as well as what Dan guessed to be permanent scowls. 

“Can I help you, officers?” Asked the former, smiling politely. 

The shorter of the two officers, a man in his late forties with orangish-red hair and and a receding hairline, widened his eyes. “What are you and your–“ he peeked his head in around the door and Martyn opened it wider to make it easier for the suspicious redhead. “–friends doing up so late?” 

Martyn laughed, his tone sounding rehearsed and eager to please. “Intense game of Monopoly. I’m not even sure what time it actually is,” he lied easily. 

The taller officer huffed, placing his hand against the doorframe. “Would you mind if we took a look around your home?” He asked, seeming a lot less interested in Martyn’s story than his partner. 

“Is there something wrong?”

“No, this is just a mandatory raid like usual,” explained the redhead, his smile fake and rehearsed, as well. Only Martyn was much better at pretending than this cop. 

“Then be our guest.” He stepped back, motioning with his hands for the two foreign men to step inside while Dan tensed, hoping not to seem too uncomfortable– only he was. 

The taller officer made his way first into the kitchen, then past the lounge and down the hallway leading to the bedrooms and where Dan assumed the bathroom and such was also, the red haired cop staying behind to stand with his arms crossed defensively a few meters from the sofa, staring down Dan and Phil, glancing between them and Martyn every few moments. 

“So, Monopoly?” The officer asked awkwardly, looking down at the set up board as if it was an unsolved jigsaw puzzle. He clearly wouldn’t be hard to fool. 

Phil nodded, humming in affirmation. 

Dan’s throat felt dry, and so did the rest of his mouth. It was the stress of the situation, he knew that, but nevertheless it was growing nearly unbearable as each terribly uncomfortable second passed. 

Reaching forward with his left arm and in turn dislodging his right from between him and Phil, he grabbed his sofa from the table, swallowing down the bubbly liquid and hating the way it fizzed down his throat. 

After he placed the glass back down on the counter he returned his arms to fold over his stomach leaning slightly against Phil. 

“And what are you doing over here if you’re a Blue?” Asked the ginger, gesturing to Dan’s now exposed electric blue tattoo with his folded elbow. 

Dan’s eyes widened as he removed his arms from over his stomach, stumbling for the right words to say without messing the situation up for both Phil and Martyn, the ones who it would actually effect. 

“I’m, uh, here because Phil is my,” his eyes flitted back and forth between Phil and the officer, only calming down when the former slipped his hand into Dan’s, squeezing tight. “He’s my best friend.”

Even though he was only trying to get them out of a potentially sticky situation, Dan wasn’t really lying. When he thought of a best friend, what that was supposed to mean and symbolize for two people, he thought of Phil. 

Yes, Phil was his best friend. 

Phil chuckled, not quite rehearsed, though not quite genuine either. “Sorry, he has an anxiety disorder and I don’t think he’s ever had to deal with a raid before,” he lied. Dan didn’t have an anxiety disorder –at least, he didn’t think he did–, but it worked for their narrative, so he merely smiled and nodded, keeping his head slightly down as he squeezed Phil’s hand in a silent ‘thank you’. 

Dan caught the redheaded officer glancing down between them at their clasped hands, his eyes flashing disgust before he tried his best to cover it up with a polite smile. Dan still saw it, though. He wondered if Phil did, too. 

The other cop returned not minutes later, hands empty as he sighed in . . . disappointment? 

Both Dan and Phil looked to Martyn, who was clearly trying his best to disguise a smile with a not so subtle cough. 

“Nothing,” said the tall officer, shaking his head as though this was bad news. He turned to Martyn as he spoke his next words. “I guess you guys are free to continue playing your game. Have a good night,” he smiled tightly, giving a curt wave before following his partner out the door and shutting it behind them with a passive aggressive force that made Dan jump. 

After five minutes of Martyn peering through the small peephole of the door and eventually declaring the coast clear, all three men collapsed against the sofa’s back, sighing or yawning with a mixture of relief and exhaustion. 

Phil was the first to speak, pushing himself back up into a sitting position. “Martyn, can you take care of the coffee table?” He asked, his true younger brother tactics shining through in his whiny tone. 

The older Lester sighed, nodding before standing up and gathering their mostly unused drinks and the bag of crisps, dragging his socked feet into the kitchen. 

“That was stressful,” remarked Dan with a half laugh and a tilt of his curly head.

Turning his body to face Dan, Phil pulled their still joined hands onto his lap. “Yeah, Sorry about that.”

Dan smiled easily, shaking his head before yawning loudly. “It’s fine, I don’t mind,” he assured. 

“Still, not really what I had on the itinerary for tonight,” laughed Phil.

Blinking slowly and tiredly, Dan smiled. “Oh well.” And then, “Go find me a toothbrush, please?”

Phil nodded, rising to his feet and pulling Dan up with him, letting go of his hand once he started walking down the hall, the latter following suit. Maybe he was a little drunk on the adrenaline of nearly being arrested (sort of), or maybe it was just out of sheer exhaustion, but Dan actually had to stop himself from catching up with Phil and reconnecting their hands between them. He missed the warmth, and there was something else missing now, too, but he couldn’t quite place what that was. So instead of acting on his tired mind’s impulse, he stayed quiet and kept his hands to himself, trailing behind Phil like a lost puppy. 

It certainly wasn’t long before they were in a surprisingly large bathroom, Phil reaching up on his toes to grab around for something in the cabinet above the sink. It was probably just his wandering eyes, but he quickly found himself staring at the pale patch of skin of Phil’s lower back where his T-shirt was riding up, feeling the urge to reach out and touch. 

For the second time within five minutes he was telling himself ‘no’, scolding whatever bit of him it was that wanted to touch Phil so badly. 

He buried his hands in his pockets instead. 

“Here you go,” mumbled Phil as he handed Dan an unused toothbrush. The aforementioned smiled gratefully. 

They both brushed their teeth at the same time, something about the joined action seeming oddly domestic and distinctively them. And really, Dan couldn't imagine wanting to share such a silly and odd moment with anyone else. 

As they made the short trek back to Phil’s room, both moving uncharacteristically slow, Dan latched pathetically onto the back of the former’s shirt, mumbling something about being ‘too fucking tired’. 

However that all seemed to change when they were back to lying in bed again, situated in a way that had them both comfortable under the blue and green duvet and facing each other with wide and glossy eyes. Dan was tired, but he suddenly didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to look at Phil’s eyes, because now that he had time to think about it, Phil’s eyes were really, really pretty. There was little to no light, but even in the grainy pitch blackness of the room, he could tell. 

“You have pretty eyes,” he spoke aloud, shuttling his mouth again when he realized what he’d said. Oh, he was supposed to keep that but inside his head. 

“You do, too,” replied Phil without missing a beat. 

Dan could feel himself blushing, but he didn’t care– it was too dark, Phil wouldn’t be able to see his rosy complexion at all. He kept looking in Phil’s eyes for a while longer, his gaze eventually travelling all over his face before it migrated back to those greyish blue pools. 

“Okay,” he said, snuggling into his borrowed pillow. He was still wearing his daytime clothes minus his jeans, which had been quickly switched out for a pair of Phil’s sporty looking and yet soft shorts. He could feel the slightly too tight waistband constricting against the skin of his hip bones, but he didn’t care. He was comfy. 

He was just about to let his eyes close again when Phil spoke, startling him back to mild consciousness. “Hey, Dan?”

Dan blinked slowly, nodding. “Yeah?”

Phil was quiet for a few moments before he smiled, wriggling down into the mattress. “Goodnight.”

The latter returned the gesture, letting his eyes fall shut. “Night, Philly.”

—

The next time he awoke was when the sun was peeking obnoxiously through the window, a gentle breeze flowing through the room and making Dan pull the covers up closer to his chin. 

It took him a few short minutes before he remembered where he was and what had happened last night, memories of the two prodding cops and their faux Monopoly game coming back to him easily as the grogginess of the morning began to wear off. 

Peeking his eyes open, he scanned the room lazily before turning around on the soft mattress, expecting to see Phil lying there next to him only to find the space empty. For the second time. 

He sat up slowly, bracing his hands on either side of him against the still warm blankets and trying to peer past the open door of Phil’s room. Where was he? He couldn’t hear much outside the room save for a bit of kitchen noises, so he figured Phil must be out there. 

As per his usual Sunday morning routine, Dan quickly found himself staring at the wall opposite him, his eyes crossing a bit as his mind travelled from one subject to the other, a jumble of sleepy thoughts and lists that didn’t quite make sense outside of his own head. 

Mostly, though, he was thinking about Phil. He wondered what it would’ve been like to have woken up to his sleeping face beside him, wondered if he’d ever get another chance to witness that. And then he wondered why he’d even thought that in the first place, because friends shouldn’t fancy watching their friend’s in such a peaceful state. That wasn’t normal, he reckoned, but he’d never really seen his and Phil’s friendship as normal, anyway. 

He barely even noticed when Phil walked in, greyish blue eyes trained carefully on the cups of coffee in his hands as he focused on not spilling the warm beverages all over his carpet. He snapped his head up to look at him though when he did notice, greeting the older Red with a soft smile and holding his hands out needily for the mug which he assumed was his. 

He was right in thinking so and held the mug to his chest gratefully when Phil let him take it, humming on approval. 

“You’re kinda cute when you’ve just woken up,” Phil commented quietly, as if not to disturb the calm morning air between them. 

Dan, still not quite awake, grinned at Phil before taking a sip of his coffee in hopes of regaining that full awareness he seemed to be lacking. He didn’t think too much of the maybe compliment– it seemed like a normal with Phil, by now. “You remembered how I like my coffee,” he stated, his tone soft and disbelieving. 

Phil nodded, taking a sip of his own drink. “Yeah, I think you’re the only person I know who takes it completely black.”

“I’m a purist.”

“But only when it comes to your coffee?”

“Yes.”

They drank the rest of their coffee in relative silence, each slowly waking up more and more until Dan could feel the caffeine running in his veins, making him feel much more talkative and energetic than before. 

Small talk became increasingly more present, too, and soon they were quietly discussing anything from the Buffy episodes they’d watched last night to the odd way toothbrushes were packaged. Too much sharp plastic for someone so clumsy, Phil complained. 

“Do you wanna go downtown with me today?” Asked Phil out of the blue as he tapped his fingers lightly against the side of his now empty ceramic mug. 

Dan really wanted to say yes, because he’d genuinely love absolutely nothing more than to spend the rest of his weekend with Phil, but he’d be lying if he said he was anywhere near rested enough for that. He was exhausted from last night, as well as being a constantly tired young adult, in general. He’d planned on just going home to sleep away the better half of his Sunday, and he still really wanted to do that. Hell, if he wanted to be useful at all the next day at work then he probably needed to. 

He frowned, keeping his eyes glued to Phil’s comforter. “I’d be delighted to, but I think I’d be far too crabby to enjoy it.” He looked up at Phil. “I’m fucking exhausted, so I’ll probably just go home and sleep, if that’s okay.”

Phil laughed, shaking his head. “Yes, that’s definitely okay. I should probably sleep, too. Do you want me to walk you home?”

Dan nodded, returning the smile he was being offered. “We’ll explore Rougensdale together another time, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

The walk home reminded Dan of their walk to that pond where they’d seen the dragonflies a few days ago. The air held the same easy vibe and the sun felt comforting on his back and neck. Part of him wanted to get back inside to his air conditioning and tubs of ice cream, but another more whimsical part of him wanted to lay out in the heat with Phil and let the sun bring him back to life until he was only filled with happy thoughts and warm daydreams. 

Air conditioning seemed more practical, though. 

So he walked alongside Phil until the two reached his back porch, both stepping up to the door when Phil, in his classic clumsy manor, tripped over an elevated bit of the deck, flying forward just a little bit yet in turn pinning Dan against the side of the house with their chests pressed tightly against each other, Dan’s breath hitching in his throat as he stood helplessly against Phil’s weight. 

Their faces were mere inches apart, and Phil didn’t seem to be making any move to step away, though Dan couldn’t quite say he minded all too much. He could feel the latter’s minty breath on his face, see every movement of every muscle and every twitch of his bottom lip, as if he were about to say something but was holding himself back.

They seemed to be frozen as they remained in that same position for moments more, wide eyes searching for something unspoken and unsure in the other’s. And then Phil was leaning in and oh gods, he was going to kiss Dan, wasn’t he? His movements towards his lips were slow and hesitant and Dan couldn’t decide whether he wanted to kiss Phil or not, but he’d love to find out, he thought as his eyes drifted shut. 

But then they startled away from each other, because there was something making a shrill ringing noise from inside Dan’s house and holy shit he’d almost let Phil Lester kiss him. 

It took them a few awkward stutters and excuses for either to realize it was Dan’s landline phone that was ringing, a rare and yet usually important occurrence. 

He stumbled on his words, eyes wide as he hitched a thumb over his shoulder. “I should probably, um, go get that,” he excused before fumbling with his keys and finally sliding the glass door open with a suctioned click. 

He could feel Phil’s presence behind himself as he quickly rushed to the phone, forcing an awkward laugh as he instantly recognized the frantic voice on the other end. 

“Please, please come over and help me,” Cate begged, her voice uncharacteristically soft as opposed to it’s usual harsh ways. 

Dan nodded –even though he knew she couldn’t see–, having just heard her babble on for a full minute about the not so fortunate predicament at hand. 

“Of course, Cate. I’ll be over in a bit,” he replied, his tone sympathetic. 

“Thank you, I’ll come pick you up, though.”

Dan glanced over in Phil’s direction, the Red leaned strangely against the kitchen counter and eyeing Dan oddly. 

“Is it okay if I bring a friend?”

“Is it . . . the Red?”

“Yeah,” he replied nervously. 

He heard a sigh through the line, wondering briefly what that meant. 

“Yes, of course you can bring him. I’ll be over in ten. Thank you, Dan.”

After hanging up and placing the phone back on it’s little charging dock, he then turned to face Phil, heaving his own tired sigh as he leaned back against the wall. “Change of plan,” he spoke. “Wanna go find some lost kitties with me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading !! Maybe leave a like and reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, comments and kudos are super appreciated. Have a lovely day !!


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello !! I’m not really sure how to feel about this chapter, if I’m being completely honest with myself. Regardless, I really do hope you enjoy. 
> 
> On another note, I’ve been thinking, and I’m pretty sure this fic is gonna end up having somewhere between 26 and 30 chapters, as long as I don’t add anything unplanned to the forecast. 
> 
> Have a lovely day !!

“So you live over in Rougensdale, then?” Cate asked as she glanced quickly at the two boys in her rear view mirror, sounding genuinely interested in Phil’s answer, but mostly Dan figured it was to fill the awkward air. 

They were sitting in the back of Cate’s small car, squished shoulder to shoulder though both of them kind of wished they weren’t. It wasn’t that Dan didn’t want to be close to Phil, because he really did, but he was still pretty freaked out about what had almost happened back on his porch, so he wasn’t sure if minimal space was the best thing. 

Phil nodded, smiling politely at the near stranger who Dan had known most of his adult life. “Yeah, me and older brother share an apartment on the nicer end.”

Cate hummed, though Dan guessed she probably didn’t know that he meant by the ‘nicer’ end. She’d probably never been to a Red community her entire life, and really, he couldn’t say he’d been any different until yesterday. Then again, he’d never had anyone to take him until then. 

“So were you affected by the raid last night? A friend of mine who lives in that area told me about it and I don’t know too much of the details on those sorts of things.”

“Unfortunately, yes. They do raids randomly once every month,” explained Phil. “I think it’s kinda dumb, but whatever pleases the government, y'know?”

Cate laughed, clearly liking the response she received from Phil. “Oh, I like this guy!” She said excitedly, flashing a smile at Dan in the mirror. “Did you hear about the raid, Howell?”

Nodding, Dan leaned his head against the warm window, regretting it immediately once the bumps in the long gravel road away from his house made his skull vibrate but refusing to lift it until he next spoke. “I was actually with Phil last night, so yes.”

As soon as those words left his mouth he was wishing he hadn’t said them like that, because with the way he’d worded it, it sounded pretty well like they weren’t just having a Buffy marathon and fake playing Monopoly. Shit, he thought as he felt his face heating up. 

“Oh?” She asked, her voice asking the unspoken question that he and probably Phil both knew she was thinking. Hell, he was probably judging him, too. “I didn’t know you guys are together like that.”

“We’re not!” Spoke Dan as he frantically tried to calm his own heart rate down. The stupid organ was beating so loud he was pretty sure Phil could hear it from beside him. 

“Just friends,” Phil added, though Dan didn’t like the strange tone behind his voice. He sounded far off, and it made him worry that maybe he’d had enough of Dan’s anxious bullshit for today. “We had a games night with my brother, Martyn,” he lied. Maybe he thought that telling her what they’d really done would sound a little too suspicious. After all, they had fallen asleep next to each other on Phil’s bed with Dan wearing borrowed clothes and breathing in the increasingly familiar scent of the raven haired man next to him. He was probably smart not to have added that bit. 

“Ah, alright. My mistake.” She shot Dan a look that made him wonder if she really did think she’d made a mistake. She had, though, so it didn’t matter. 

When they reached Cate’s townhouse, the three of them unbuckled their finicky seatbelts before heading up the recently paved driveway and standing with their hands in their pockets while she busied herself unlocking the door. 

Dan had seen it many times before on his runs to pick up Cate’s things, but nevertheless the entrance to her home still put him in a state of awe. He considered his own house to be rather big, but it was nothing compared to Cate’s. For someone who’d spent her whole life working as the owner of a small café, she’d done incredibly well in the housing department. Dan wondered if she’d come into money somehow, maybe a rich, dead relative? 

The whole townhouse was very open concept and actually felt like it was lived in, a great contrast to Dan’s home, which he’d basically neglected to personalize at all over the four years he’d lived there. He didn’t see much point in hanging photographs of people in his family when the only ones he possessed were ones that brought up bad memories. His mum had once asked him why there were no pictures of Aaron around, his response being that it hurt too much to see him smiling– to see him before things changed. 

“You coming?” Phil asked Dan quietly on his way out of the entryway to follow Cate into what Dan knew to be the kitchen. The last time he was in there, Cate made him spaghetti and let him whine about life and pet her kitties.

He followed the other two into the kitchen, where Cate began fishing various small bags of cat treats from below the kitchen sink and handing them to Dan and Phil. She’d handed him one labeled ‘chicken treats’, which he thought was fitting. 

“So tell me again how you managed to lose both of your cats in one morning?” He asked skeptically when she began to lead them back towards the entrance. 

She huffed in annoyance, waving painted nails before her made up face. “Some men came by earlier to bring my new sofa in and while they had the door open, I guess the kitties ran out. They shoulda asked if I had animals before leaving the damn door open so long.”

“What are their names?” Phil wondered aloud after shooting Dan an amused look. 

“Dibly and Roxy. Dibly’s a tabby, and Rox is a black cat. They both usually come when called, but I’m giving you the kibbles for good measure.”

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “If they come when they’re called, then why do you need us?”

“Because if I’m frantic then they hide, and the last thing I want is for them thinking I’m about to take them to the vet. So I need you two to keep calm and get my kitties back.”

Cate locked the door behind them again before dropping the keys back into the the deep pockets of her long floral skirt. She’d sewn them on one day when she’d been excessively complaining about the lack of big pockets in women’s clothes, if Dan remembered correctly. 

They each headed off in seperate directions from there, Dan sticking to the pavement to the left of Cate’s house while Phil swerved to the right, Cate taking the route behind her house and rattling the treat bag as she went. 

Dan did the same, calling out to both cats every few seconds as he progressed up the street. The area seemed to be filled with bigger houses and large apartment complexes– like Phil’s, but bigger, and much, much grander. He never really got the chance to explore this part of the city, even though it was closer to where he worked than his own home. He didn’t think he’d enjoy it much, though. People around here would take one look at his Red Dot and decide he was trouble. 

He kept up with his oh so difficult task of shaking the treat bag and calling out for both Dibly and Roxy, keeping his brown eyes peeled for any signs of the two sneaky cats. He really was hoping they’d find them, because a tired Cate was bad enough, but Cate without kitties to go home to would be an absolute nightmare. 

As he rounded a corner, turning to the right, he quickly noticed a head of black hair and long legs jogging toward him, squinting in the bright afternoon light to make sure it was Phil. 

“Hey, you find anything?” He asked, dropping his hand back to his side as the two finally met halfway down the shorter street. 

Phil shook his head, panting a bit. “No, but some old men were giving me dirty looks and I got scared,” he explained with a crooked smile. 

Dan laughed in return. “Phil Lester? Scared? That’s new.”

The aforementioned cocked his head to the side, shoving his hands deep into his back pockets. “We all get a little scared sometimes.” Something about the way those seven words left his mouth made Dan think that maybe he wasn’t just talking about the old men and their threatening eyes, but something heavier. 

After a few silent minutes of the two men walking side by side, Dan decided to break the silence, because if Phil had been referencing what he thought he had been, then he thought it better to rip the bandaid off right then rather than pretending nothing ever almost-happened. 

“Should we talk about what was going to happen on my porch this morning?” He asked suddenly, his volume low yet urgent in its own strange way. 

Phil didn’t seem too startled, like perhaps he’d been waiting for Dan to ask that question. He kept his eyes low to the ground as he spoke. “I’m sorry about that, I was just really tired and reading signs wrong, I guess. We can just pretend it never happened,” he proposed quietly. 

Dan held off on his reply, still a little hung up on the whole ‘reading signs wrong’ bit. Had Dan subconsciously been flirting with Phil? Had he been leading him on without even knowing? Shit, he thought. Now he felt like a dick. But more importantly, he was wondering why it also made him feel a deep sense of loss. For what? A kiss that he wasn’t even sure he wanted? 

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” he answered. “And yeah, we can pretend it never happened if that’s what you want.”

Phil nodded, and Dan once again felt that sharp pang in his chest that he hadn’t felt in so long. He didn’t know what it meant, but it made him feel lost in the worst way. 

Dan thought that he should maybe say something to lighten the tense mood, make a joke about something dumb or comment on the ridiculousness of the situation at hand, but before he could even open his mouth to speak, Phil’s arm was in front of his chest, stopping him in his tracks. The former shushed him, though he hadn’t been talking, leaning slightly to the side while scanning the thick patch of bushes carefully. 

“Here, Dibly! Come here, Rox!” He called in a voice much softer, one distinctly reserved for animals. 

There was a bit of shuffling in the greenery before two decently small cats rolled out from under the bushes, meowing repeatedly at the sound of their own names. Luckily, the kitties seemed very eager to hop up into Dan and Phil’s arms when the two tall men leaned down, Dibly and Roxy nuzzling at the little kibble packages excitedly.

Dan giggled when Roxy rubbed her fluffy, black fur against his cheek, purring so wildly in his arms that he could feel the vibrations through her small chest. “Hello,” he cooed, smiling down at the happy little creature. 

Dibly, who was quite content to be perched oddly in Phil’s arms, continued squawking hungrily at the Red, clearly demanding food from his treat bag. 

“Come on,” Phil spoke to the demanding little cat. “Let’s go find your mama and take you home.”

Dan and Phil walked side by side in perfect rhythm as they made their way back to the townhouse, luckily running into Cate just as she was leaning down to sit on the wooden front steps in defeat, it seemed. 

“Look who we found!” Dan announced happily to a suddenly ecstatic seeming Cate, using Roxy’s little paw to wave to her mum. 

Once in arms reach, Cate accepted her two hungry family members to rest against her chest, speaking down at them in the same voice Phil had used earlier as she made her way distractedly back into her home. As Dan walked in, he held the door for Phil, shutting it gently once they were both inside. 

“Do you think she’d even notice if we ditched her now?” He asked quietly, mostly amused by how wrapped up Cate was by her newly found animals, having transported them into the kitchen where she was presumably feeding them and pampering their every need while the two who’d found them stood expectantly in the entryway. 

Phil laughed, the crinkles beside his eyes becoming apparent. Dan thought he looked quite nice when he laughed, but that was beside the point. “Probably not. We should say goodbye first, though.”

Chuckling, Dan shook his head in amusement before making his way towards the kitchen with Phil following suit, ready to bid Cate farewell until tomorrow morning at seven AM. 

“Hey Cate?” He spoke, trying his best not to startle her too much as her back had been turned to him. It didn’t work though, and she still managed to jump a few inches into the air as she made a startled noise before pressing her hand to her chest. “Phil and I are gonna head out now, if you don’t need us for anything else.”

“Oh, no! I don’t know where I’d be without you two– thank you! And nonsense, you’re not walking back home. I’ll drive you, come on.”

This drive seemed much shorter and much more tolerable, most of the awkward air between them all having been cleared the second time around. However, there was an increase is Cate babbling about embarrassing Dan stories, so maybe awkward silence wasn’t so bad after all. 

After saying goodbye to Cate and watching as she disappeared eventually down the gravel road, Phil mentioned needing to catch up on sleep again, which in turn only made Dan remember just how tired he really was, releasing an involuntary yawn as a result of his put-off exhaustion. 

He left soon after, taking off through the fields where a defined path from Phil’s home to Dan’s was beginning to form. As soon as he was out of sight, the latter shuffled out of his forty eight hour old day clothes and into a comfier outfit, crawling straight into bed and napping until dinner time. 

—

The next few days were plain– tantalizingly so. There didn’t seem to be much need for caffeinated drinks if their low customer rate was anything to show, and to top it all off, no one seemed even mildly interested in conversation with Dan. 

Maybe it was because his mind was wrapped up elsewhere, still lingering helplessly on the subject of Phil and nothing else. Maybe he’d just been too distracted to notice when people were trying to talk to him and too enthusiastic when they weren’t. 

He’d tried making small talk with Ted during Monday morning setup, but the latter hadn’t been very engaged, to say the least. He knew Phil was busy doing some fire-starter work that he didn’t want to tell Dan about, and Jenni hadn’t worked a single shift since Friday, but Ted had really just seemed rather asshole-esque. 

As per usual, Cate was the only one who bothered to pay him any attention when he kept to himself for a little too long, muttering his mostly internal conflicts in a hushed voice as he paced back and forth in the staff room during his break. 

She pushed the door open with every remaining ounce of energy she possessed, it seemed, contrasting the action so drastically as she shut it carefully behind her. She could be odd sometimes. 

Dan stopped in his tracks, contemplative eyes on Cate as she stood with her hands on her hips in front of the door. 

“Howell, if you don’t stop acting so strange I’ll fire you.”

“But then I’ll have nowhere to pace,” he complained with a frown as real as his likelihood of ever finding another job. 

Cate frowned too, but he could tell this one was real. “Seriously, Dan. What’s on your mind?” She asked. 

He wondered if he should tell her. He wondered if disclosing with his boss that he may or may not have a bit of a thing for his best and only friend was a good idea, or if that would do him more bad than good. 

It was all he’d been able to think about for hours, the swirling thoughts and questions in his head making it so hard to focus on anything other than his own predicament that he was spending his lunch break pacing like a lunatic in the staff room, for fuck’s sake.

Part of Dan feared that if he told Cate what was on his mind it would officially make things real. Because for as long as he was able to keep these unsure emotions to himself, he’d be fine, he was sure. He be able to forget his maybe-existent feelings eventually, and things would go back to normal. 

But then again, another more fearful part of him was urging him to make it real, to make it exist somewhere outside of the confines of his own brain. If he liked Phil like he was beginning to think he perhaps did, then keeping it to himself might destroy him. He needed to tell Cate, to share the worry and confusion with someone else– regardless of how selfish he knew that was. 

“Well?” Cate asked, catching Dan off guard and reminding him that he had indeed been asked a very important question, even though Cate probably didn’t know just how important it was to him. 

After swallowing whatever secrecy he’d thought he still possessed, Dan met Cate’s concerned eyes, preparing himself for her reaction. “Phil almost kissed me yesterday,” he blurted. It was a lot less of the confession he’d been expecting to emerge from between his chapped lips, but it was a start. 

Cate’s eyes widened in something akin to surprise, but not quite. “Almost?”

“Yes, almost, because then you called and he moved away from me, and I’m scared because I don’t know if I really wanted him to or not,” he rushed, his pace quickening with each passing second. “Pull away, I mean.”

Eyes softening, Cate took a step forward and pulled Dan into one of her warm mama bear hugs, wrapping her arms tightly around his stiff frame and leaning her head against his shoulder. It didn’t take long at all for him to melt into the comforting embrace, bringing his own arms up to hug Cate back. 

“Oh honey,” she spoke softly as she rubbed small circles into the space between his shoulders. “I think you’ve caught some feelings for Phil.”

Dan nodded. “He’s the only person I can see without feeling pressured to be someone else, and I’m afraid if I tell him how I might feel, then all of that will end.”

Pulling away, Cate gave him a pointed look, one that lead Dan to believe he’d said something stupid in her eyes. “You know you don’t have to tell him anything just because you might feel something more than friendship. It can be our secret until you want to do something more about it, but you don’t ever have to,” she assured before her lips tilted up into a smile. “But I think if you did tell him, he wouldn’t run the other way. You may not see it, but the way he looks at you is painfully sappy, Howell.”

Dan was quick to shake his head, frowning as his forehead creased in confusion. “No, Cate. If that’s what you’re seeing, then you’re going blind,” he decided firmly. “I’m not telling him.”

Cate closed her eyes in defeat but nodded, regardless. “Okay, that’s your choice to make.” She paused before stepping back and placing her manicured hand around the door knob leading back into the main café area. “But I’m not blind, and neither is Phil. And if he tried to kiss you, then I’m willing to bet he knew even before you did.”

And with that last comment, Dan was suddenly aware that he now had a whole other field of concern to lose sleep over. Wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading !! Maybe go leave a like and reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated <3 I hope you have a lovely day !!


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, I am so so sorry that this is a whopping three days late. I’ve just been terribly busy this past week with a crazy amount of homework, a concert (The Neighbourhood on Thursday night), and then packing for a trip. Not to mention, I’ve been trying to post this chapter since yesterday evening but my wifi sucks ass, so I’m really hoping this works. (If it doesn’t then I guess I’ll retype this for the third time). 
> 
> I’m not really sure what this chapter is, but I hope you enjoy :)

Dan really hadn’t meant to wind up in Phil’s apartment again so soon after his talk with Cate in the staff room. He had originally wanted to try and avoid the older man for as long as humanly possible until he could find it within him either the words or actions necessary to deal with his emotions. 

But then Phil had showed up at his doorstep the next day, hands shoved deep in his pant pockets as he proposed that Dan come over to his apartment and hang out. It had ruined the latter’s plans quite substantially, seeing as he wasn’t anywhere close to having sorted out his feelings, but he’d still somehow found his lips moving to agree quickly with a smile, asking if he needed to grab anything before they departed. 

He’d expected Phil to say ‘no’ like he usually did, but quite to the contrary, he’d actually come with the strange request that Dan find them the stupidest sounding romance novels in his collection, causing the latter to raise an eyebrow before complying anyway. 

He’d lead Phil to the small bookshelf in his bedroom, crouching down to run his fingers over the spines of the many harlequins he’d somehow acquired over the past ten years and picking out a few that seemed a little too rediculous for his usual liking. 

“Why do you want my cheesy romance novels?” Dan had asked as the two began their walk over to Rougensdale. 

Phil had chuckled, slinging the bag they’d dropped the books into over his shoulder. “I’m bored and I want to make fun of them with you.”

Dan’s chest jumped at the words ‘with you’, but he decided to ignore that. “Okay.”

So now he was sat against Phil’s neon green bedroom wall with his knees pulled loosely to his chest, book open before him as he read in unnecessary detail of some illusive woman’s sex life. Phil was lying on his back, head hanging off the end of his bed as he tapped his feet against the underside of Dan’s thighs absentmindedly. He too, had his nose buried deep within one of Dan’s harlequins, and from the slightly pained expression on his face, the latter could tell that his book must've been just as bad as his own. 

They’d been situated like this for the past hour while they silently judged the literature before them, occasionally voicing their complaints aloud when a chapter was just too strange or cliché to ignore. Said chapters more often than not being mostly compiled of fake poetic analogies and characters whining about being single, they were easy to skim over and get through fairly quickly, which was a relief seeing as they really just weren’t all that well written. 

“How come no one knows how to write a fucking sex scene?” Phil complained with a sigh, flipping the page and somehow managing to ignore Dan’s dropped jaw and raised eyebrows. 

“Yours has a sex scene?” He asked incredulously, placing his own book face down on the duvet beside him as he scooted over to where Phil was, the aforementioned sitting up to show Dan the slightly faded text. His eyes scanned over the words for only a few seconds before he was cringing, shaking his head in disapproval. “Really? This only goes to prove my theory that all romance novels are the product of a lonely and . . . imaginative forty year old woman who’s never had sex in her life,” he remarked.

Phil nodded as he lied back down to continue his chapter. “Agreed.” 

Dan went on to read the rest of his novel, eyes scanning over each word and pausing whenever something particularly interesting happened– which didn’t appear to be too often. He was beginning to grow tired of the same fake-deep sentences strung together over and over again, even though the contents cheerful, the motivation behind it was surely the opposite. Dan figured that no one happy ever needed to dedicate their life to projecting someone else’s happiness.

He’d zoned out for a few moments as he thought, brown eyes absentmindedly scanning over the inked words though failing to take in their meaning with his mind being elsewhere. When he did zone back in, however, he quickly noticed that he, too, was at the beginning of some tragically un-steamy sex scene between the stunning protagonist and her dark and brooding male counterpart. 

His interest slightly heightened, he continued to soak in the paragraphs. In wasn’t long at all before he was quickly becoming uncomfortable, the descriptions used being a little too graphic for his liking. 

Dan felt his cheeks heat as the scene somehow managed to escalate even further all of the sudden, leaving behind no regret as he slammed the soft-cover novel shut, face twisted up as he cringed. 

“Ew,” is all he said as he pulled his thighs closer to his chest, fixing his gaze directly at the wall before him as he attempted to clear the mental image of what he’d just read from his poor brain. 

He’d never considered himself vanilla, but after reading those few pages he knew he sure as fuck wasn’t that kinky. Ew, just ew. 

Phil, on the other hand, was leaning on his elbows, still on his back with his book in hand as he laughed meanly at Dan’s immature reaction. 

Dan turned his head to glare, all the while nudging his harlequin further away with the tip of socked toe. “What?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed as he tried to decode the Red’s laughter. 

Shaking his head in amusement, Phil only smiled. “You’re reading a sex scene, yeah?” 

“Yes, and it was gross.”

Phil chuckled again, raising his brows. “Dan, you’re twenty five and you just called sex gross.”

“Hey! I’m almost twenty six,” Dan argued. 

“Not helping your case.”

“Shut up. And I didn’t call all sex gross, only that sex. Shit was unnecessarily kinky, Phil.” 

Phil smirked. “How kinky?”

Scoffing, Dan extended his leg out to kick at his thigh before tossing the book Phil’s way. He tried his best to ignore the annoying way his stomach twirled at the intimate subject of their playful banter, only recognizing now just how common of an occurrence that strange feeling really was for him in Phil’s company. “Read it yourself, you dingus,” he said in order to distract himself, laughing out of nervousness.

Instead of reaching for the book like Dan had suggested, Phil’s eyes were now fixed directly on him, in turn making the younger man want to  
squirm away. He wasn’t sure if he liked the contemplative, almost sceptical, look etched onto Phil’s face– the way he seemed to be looking right through him. 

“You’re gonna be twenty six in seven days,” spoke Phil, his tone far off as if he were in a daze. 

Dan counted back the days in his head. Today was the fourth, and his birthday was on the eleventh, so yeah, Phil was right. “You remembered my birthday?” He asked slowly, allowing his limbs to loosen and his feet to slide down until they were hanging off the side of Phil’s bed. 

“Of course,” Phil smiled. “And I’m definitely getting you something, so what do you want?”

“Nothing.” Dan shook his head. 

Laughing, Phil mimicked the action. “No, seriously. What do you want for your birthday, Dan? You’re legally not allowed to say ‘nothing’ again,” he warned. 

Dan narrowed his eyes but thought about his answer carefully. He racked his mind for something, anything that he could possibly want at this point in his life. A get out of work card would be great, but that was really some of the only socialization he got on the daily, and besides, he needed the money, so that was out of the question. 

Instead choosing to think of the rare things that made him happy rather than what he wanted on a physical level, Dan’s mind instantly travelled to the missed sensation of Phil’s warm hand in his own from that past weekend. That had been nice– lovely, even. He wondered if that would be a valid answer. 

Figuring it wouldn’t, he answered Phil’s question to the best of his otherwise ability. “Spaghetti.”

The creases of Phil’s forehead deepened as he cocked his head to the side. “Spaghetti?”

“Mhmm. Come to my house on the eleventh and eat spaghetti with me.”

“What if I don’t like spaghetti, though?”

“It’s my birthday, you’ll have to suck it up,” Dan quipped. 

They were both grinning when the doorbell sounded, prompting Phil to push himself all the way up and hop off his bed, extending his hand for Dan to grab. “Come on,” he said with a sigh. “Martyn probably locked himself out again.”

The latter accepted, allowing himself to be pulled from his mostly comfortable spot on the bed and groaning all the way. His heart mourned the loss of contact when Phil let go in favour of leading them both down the hall and through the lounge to the bright yellow door, taking a quick look through the peephole before opening the door with that same grin from before. 

The two people revealed were ones –or only one, really– that Dan genuinely hadn’t expected to see anywhere near Phil’s Rougensdale apartment. Stood next to an unrecognizable Red man with curly, brown hair and piercing green eyes was none other than the same Veda his parents had tried to set him up with nights earlier. 

Her own green eyes were wide and seemingly just as stuck on Dan as his were on her. Pale pink lips slightly ajar, she looked between him and Phil, her forehead creased before she advanced right between them and through the lounge, the man following behind her like a lost puppy of sorts. 

Phil didn’t object at all, clearly already in kahoots with Veda and her tall friend and comfortable enough to let them into his home without protest. 

Dan marvelled at the strangely silent interaction he’d just witnessed, watching as Phil closed the yellow door before giving him a confused look and following the other two to sit on the sofa. 

“Do you and Dan know each other?” He asked, motioning for the aforementioned to join them all in sitting down. 

Veda nodded, looking up and smiling at them both. “Yeah, his mum tried to set us up on a date last Wednesday.”

Dan, himself, had to hold back from laughing at the memory of that terribly awkward and yet somehow enjoyable conversation they’d had in his parents’ garden that night. He barely even noticed the deep frown of Phil’s lips, the way he was suddenly tense beyond belief next to the younger Blue. 

“I thought you were still with Mika,” Phil said, his tone lacking any humour. 

Veda scoffed, shooting mischievous eyes towards a confused Dan. “Oh, don’t be a jealous ass, Philly. His parents didn’t know.”

Choosing to ignore the comment about Phil being jealous –because what on earth would he be jealous of?–, Dan nodded. “Yeah, we wound up being forced to go sit on my parents’ porch swing for an hour and talk about society’s pressures.”

“It was fun,” Veda added, Dan humming. 

Phil’s shoulders relaxed, his focus landing back on the folders the quiet man beside Veda had placed on the coffee table. “New Yellows, Pj?”

The man –Pj– nodded, opening the folder to reveal a thick pile of the same files tacked up on the bulletin boards of Phil’s walls. “Yeah,” he answered. “Veda and I just got off the phone with Martyn, and he said we should come see you about this, too.”

Suddenly looking worried, Phil leaned forward, his arm brushing against Dan’s side. “What is it?”

“There are way too many requests, Phil,” Veda informed him with that same worried look. “There’s no way we’ll be able to tattoo all these people in the next month without any government officials noticing.”

Something in Dan’s head clicked then, and it suddenly all made sense as to why Veda was in Phil’s apartment with a file of potential Yellows. She was one of the tattoo artists Martyn knew, one of the girls who helped them turn Blues and Reds alike into Yellows and send them outside the boundaries of the city. 

It made sense, really. His parents had mentioned that she worked for the government during dinner, and though it hadn’t even crossed his mind before now, Veda had definitely seemed a lot more like any of the Reds he’d met in his lifetime than most of the prim and proper government Blues he’d seen. 

It really was a scarily small world, it seemed. 

“So then we need to be a lot more careful, don’t we?” Asked Phil as he flipped through the many files. “Should Peej and I start setting more fires? Do you think that would help at all?”

Oh, so this Pj guy was the other anti-fireman helping Phil out with his . . . duties. 

Both Veda and Pj nodded, looking to each other before their gazes collectively shifted to Dan. Their eyes were like weights pressing against his chest, unmoving as their motives lay unsure to him. 

“What?” He asked slowly, subconsciously slipping back farther into both the sofa cushions and Phil’s side. 

“So he knows all of it, then?” Spoke Pj, surprise lying under the tone of his question. 

Phil nodded, glancing beside himself at Dan as he nudged his shoulder playfully. “He figured it out himself, I didn’t even have to tell him.”

“I found a very incriminating picture of him in an article on the fires,” added Dan smugly. 

“Oh, I didn’t know that.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I got bored and was doing research.” And then he threw up, broke a coffee mug, sat on his bed waiting for death, and yelled at Phil for twenty minutes. He didn’t mention that, though. 

Veda tilted her head to the side, short auburn hair falling against her cheek. “Wasn’t that the picture that landed you in hiding for like, a week?” She pointed her question towards Phil. 

The latter laughed a bit, nodding. “Uh huh, that sure was fun.”

Dan thought back to the week and bit after that one Friday night fire, the second last time he’d seen Phil before he’d hit rock bottom. The actual last time had been when the Red had shown up on his porch one day after work with the news that he wouldn’t be around much that week. That had only sent him further down that dark spiral Dan was so familiar with, but he wasn’t so upset about it anymore. Especially now that he knew Phil was gone in order to protect himself. Still, he scolded himself for not piecing that together before now. 

Pj, seeming mostly business oriented and eager to leave as soon as they’d come, closed up the folder once more and slid it across the coffee table to Phil. “Do this Thursday and next Tuesday work for you?” He asked, no doubt in reference to their next arson sprees. 

“Thursday works fine,” responded Phil. He looked at Dan, whose eyes were conflicted and silently begging him to remember the significance of next Tuesday. “But I can’t do Tuesday. We’ve got plans.” 

Dan breathed a sigh of relief, accidentally catching Veda’s suspicious eyes as she seemed to be analyzing every action taking place before her. She shifted between him and Phil, finally settling down to her hands as she poorly suppressed a smile. About what, Dan wasn’t sure, but he’d definitely have to ask her later. 

“Okay, Wednesday then, yeah?” Phil nodded. “Good. We should go, I guess. Come on, Veda. We have to go talk to your girlfriend now.”

Veda instantly perked up, her bright and excited smile reaching the vibrant green of her eyes. She was suddenly very eager to leave, pushing herself up off the sofa and walking back towards the door. Pj, a bit slower and less enthused, followed behind her, leaving the folder in Phil’s hands. 

He and Dan didn’t bother to stand up when they left, saying their goodbyes and exiting through the yellow door once more. As soon as they were gone, Phil shifted on the cushions to face Dan, folding his leg beneath him. 

“So,” he began. Dan nodded. “If Pj and I have to start setting fires more often then there’s a good chance I won’t be able to see you as much anymore.”

Frowning, Dan shifted, too. He rested the side of his head against the back of the sofa, nodding in the slightest. “I’m gonna be lonely, y’know.”

“Me too,” agreed Phil. 

Dan zoned out for a moment, looking at the bulletin boards behind him rather than directly at Phil. He really resented the idea of being alone even more than he already usually was, that idea alone making him wonder if his next ‘episode’ would be much sooner than he’d anticipated. He would never in a billion years blame Phil’s absence for his emotional lows, as that was the farthest from fair. It was more so the concept of being alone. He always craved the quiet, the peace, but when he finally got a breath of fresh air all he could ever hope for was someone to share it with. Whether it was Cate, Phil, or his mum– Dan needed someone to sit through the dark with. 

He knew the solution to his problem was right in front of him, within his reach, though he still didn’t know what the repercussions of that decision would mean. He really didn’t care, though, and that alone made him both scared and happy. 

“You could just let me help you, you know,” he proposed, eyes still far from Phil’s own greyish blue oceans. 

“What?”

He swallowed, contemplating the best way to go about this. “I could help you with the fires, or with filing the Yellows, or I could–“

“Dan, no fucking way,” interrupted Phil, his fists clenching against the sofa. His tone made the younger man feel almost obligated to finally look him in the eye, as if he owed him that much. “No, I’m not getting you involved in this.”

Eyebrows furrowed, Dan lifted his head from the cushion. “I’m already involved, Phil. There’s pretty much no turning back, now,” he argued, his voice small as he tried to convince him. 

“No.” Phil’s voice was firm. “Right now you’re only looking in from the outside, and you’re not getting any fucking closer than that. It’s way too dangerous for you.”

Dan scoffed, his spine straightening in defence. He couldn’t believe this, couldn’t understand why Phil was saying no to him. Didn’t he know that Dan wasn’t some fragile child? He could take care of himself, and he certainly didn’t need anyone protecting him. “I’m not a baby, you know,” he said pointedly. “You don’t need to protect me.”

Phil looked down to his lap, shaking his head before grimacing. “I know, but I don’t want you getting hurt.”

Too upset about the way Phil was treating him like a piece of glass to realize his intentions were only to protect him, Dan stood from the sofa, stomping over to the closed door and slipping his shoes back on. He really hadn’t intended on leaving just yet, but he feared that if he didn’t go now then he might say something he didn’t mean. 

Phil remained seated, staring after Dan and only standing when he reached for the brass doorknob. “Dan, wait. You don’t have to go home.”

“I’m tired and I’ve got work tomorrow,” he argued, failing to deliver the full truth. He was sure they’d be able to talk later when both of them were less emotional. Besides, Dan was absolutely exhausted from merely being so social today, he needed to go home and sleep his anger away. 

“At least let me walk you home, then?” Phil asked, making his way over to Dan. “It gets dangerous out there past the afternoon.”

There he went again, trying to protect him. Even though he knew it probably wasn’t the best idea, Dan shook his head, even going so far as to roll his eyes. “I’ll be fine, it’s not even dark yet.” He was right, the sun had still yet to set, though that didn’t mean he should be walking through a Red community all alone. He figured he’d be fine once he entered the field, though, so he pushed that thought from his brain. 

Phil went to protest, but Dan was already putting his hand to his arm, shaking his head. “I’ll be fine,” he repeated. “I’ll see you soon, I promise.”

And with that, he was exiting the small apartment, leaving behind a clearly conflicted Phil. He hadn’t wanted to leave them on too bad of a note, but he was still rather pissed at the notion that Phil thought he was too fragile or whatever bullshit to help out. He was completely capable of protecting himself, being strong, setting a goddamn fire, for fuck’s sake. He wasn’t a baby, Phil should've known that by now. 

As he made his way through the short extent of Rougensdale, few eyes landed on him, and mostly because he was wearing a jumper that covered his Blue arm. No one seemed overly threatening, and before he knew it he was trudging through the tall grass of his field and approaching his back porch. 

He felt a whirlwind of emotions as he got ready for bed that night, ranging from spite to regret. Mostly, though, he was angry with himself for being angry at Phil. Because when it came down to it, he knew full well that he was only trying to do what was best for him. And maybe he didn’t know the entire extent of Dan’s problems with being alone, but he was still trying, and that alone made Dan feel like a complete asshole as he went over their recent argument over and over in his mind and his not-so-tired head lie restless against his pillow. 

He wanted to slap himself even more than he’d wanted to slap Phil in that split second of fury at the apartment. 

If anything, he knew that he was going to have to do a number of things tomorrow, beginning with ranting to Cate about all his life problems and ending with apologizing to Phil. 

At the very least, he’d unintentionally left his harlequins on Phil’s bed, so he knew they’d have reason to see each other again in the very near future– and that was enough to allow his tired mind the rest it so desperately needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading :•) Maybe leave a like and reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated, and I hope you have a lovely day !!


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING(s): depictions of near panic attack + sobbing fit at the end, discussions of suicide and death, overdoses (not of anyone in the current sorry dw), comment if you find more :•)
> 
> Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhenjoy

He was trying to make the best out of his situation, he really was. Dan knew that how he’d reacted to Phil’s protectiveness was unnecessary and irrational. He knew that how he’d treated Phil for merely wanting to keep him out of a sticky situation was uncalled for. Only he was trying not to worry too much about it all because he was going to apologize tonight and then everything would be fine– hopefully. 

He’d been uncontrollably fidgeting with his fingers, the hem of his apron, anything he could find, really, for the entirety of his work shift the next Wednesday, unable to keep himself one hundred percent calm no matter how hard he tried. He was just anxious, worried that Phil might have had enough of his temperamental bullshit. He wouldn’t blame him, really, but he was still hoping that wasn’t the case. 

Regardless of the way his chest felt a bit more empty and his stomach a bit more jumpy, Dan was trying his absolute best to have a good day. 

“Can I please have a medium coffee, two cream, two sugar?” Asked a younger looking high school student who always came in around this time of the day. Dan figured it was probably their school’s lunch break. That, or they just really fancied skipping. 

Dan nodded, typing the order into his machine before telling the kid the price. They dug through their bag for a moment before pulling out the exact change, dropping it in his open palm. 

After making the kid their drink and handing it to them, he decided to take a break, seeing as there were no other customers at the moment. And besides, Cate was right at the other cash. 

He moved over to her station, leaning his elbow against the counter and attempting to seem as relaxed as possible. 

“Hey, Cate,” he spoke, watching as she moved to face him. 

Cate looked him over just once before shaking her head with a laugh and crossing her arms over her blouse clad chest. “What did you do this time, Howell?” She asked. 

Dan raised his brows at her knowing eyes, wondering how the fuck she was able to see through him so easily. Hadn’t he been doing a good enough job at hiding his anxiety? Clearly not, it seemed. “What do you mean?”

“You keep to yourself when you’re thinking too hard. Now, what are you worried about, love?”

Dan looked down to his shoes. Yeah, she knew him far too well. “I started a really unnecessary argument with Phil yesterday.”

Cate frowned. “About what?”

“He was just treating me like I needed to be protected all the time and I snapped.” Dan couldn’t really tell her the context to the situation, regardless of how much it might change her opinion on the matter. “I regret it,” he added.

Shaking her head, Cate tutted her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “You know, it’s okay to let people care for you, Dan,” she reminded him in that motherly tone of her’s. 

“But I can take care of myself,” he grumbled in response. 

“I know you can,” she said. “But there’s nothing wrong with having someone to help you stay afloat.”

Dan waved her off with a passive hand, but deep down he knew she was right. Ever since he’d come home last night he’d been thinking about how stupid he’d been, how wrong it was for him to push Phil away without any reason. 

Phil only thought he was doing what was best for Dan, and maybe he was– maybe Dan didn’t know what was best for him, either. Nevertheless, he needed Phil whether he wanted to or not. It was the whole reason they’d gotten into that dumb argument, anyway. 

“You should apologize soon,” proposed Cate, eyes fixed on the glass door at the front of the shop as it swung open for an older Blue woman.

Dan nodded, pushing off the counter and stepping back towards his own station. “I’m going to, I just really hope he isn’t too fed up with me by that time.” 

Scoffing, Cate smiled and nodded to the woman, speaking in the time it took for her to reach Cate’s till. “Howell, believe me; that boy is far too invested in you to be fed up at this point. Just don’t do anything to jeopardize that.”

—

Dan thought about those words for the rest of his mostly uneventful shift. 

He reckoned Cate had to be right for all the trouble he’d caused Phil, all the times the latter had been faced with ample opportunity to turn around and never look back in Dan’s direction. They may have only known each other for a little longer than a month, but that still had to count for something, didn’t it? 

The walk home had been very dusty, as per usual, the air humid and unbearably muggy. He’d never been more thankful to hear the creaking of his door hinges as he pushed through his doorway and into the cool, air conditioned safe haven that was his home. 

Left feeling sticky and just a little bit –or rather a lot bit– sweaty, Dan was quick to jump into the shower, working strawberry scented shampoo into his dark brown hair before the weak curls plastered against his forehead. 

As much as he’d love to pretend he’d taken a shower solely to clean himself of the sweat and grime of his long walk home, he’d really been looking for a way to avoid leaving his home and finally facing Phil. Part of him was beyond eager to get his apology over with and let things go back to normal, but another part of him was dreading the interaction as it would mean admitting he was wrong. 

He wasn’t one for having a big ego, but he was still a firm believer that he could get by on his own– he didn’t need protection, or sheltering. But in reality, that wasn’t the full truth, and he knew it. 

Once done in the shower, he dried himself off as slowly as humanly possible, taking his time in brushing his teeth. Afterwards he sat on his bed with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist for what was probably an unhealthy amount of time, but his procrastinating nature didn’t really give a fuck. 

Eventually, though, he did manage to find the courage needed to stand from his bedside and get dressed in a pair of monochrome, plaid shorts and a plain, black t-shirt, knowing it was far too humid outside to dress in his usual long-sleeved attire. 

Dan was still trying to figure out what would be best to say, how he could properly apologize without completely ruining his own perspective in doing so. He definitely wanted Phil to know he was sorry and that he knew he’d overreacted, but he also wanted him to be aware of just how much his comment had done the opposite of protecting him. Dan needed a friend, and he still wasn’t confident that his only one being away from him all week would be best for either of them.

Well, maybe it’d be fine for Phil, but Dan knew it would leave himself an absolute wreck, no doubt. 

After pacing the cool kitchen floor for another five minutes, he decided that it was finally time for him to head out in the direction of Rougensdale and get this damn apology over with before it absolutely tore him apart. 

Slipping on his shoes and putting his keys in the back pocket of his shorts, Dan then shut the sliding glass door behind him, no sooner turning around before he released a choked yelp, surprise at seeing a certain black haired Red so soon making his heart flutter in momentary shock. 

“Holy fuck,” laughed Dan nervously, his left hand flying up to his heart to feel it’s rapid beating beneath the skin. “You scared me.”

Phil, who was stood awkwardly just before the beginning of the field, reached his arm behind his neck, rubbing the skin there in a way that let Dan know this was just as uncomfortable for Phil as it was for him. 

“Sorry,” spoke Phil in response, though Dan had a feeling he meant it in regards to more than just startling the younger man, and somehow that managed to make the humid air even heavier. 

The two kept their eyes and limbs mostly to themselves as they stood in whatever this tense air was. It felt as though they were both so ready to move on from their little argument and yet so unsure of how to do so at the same time. 

It was quite silly, really. 

When Dan couldn’t take it anymore, still rather unsure of what to say, he slowly moved forward, pushing past his ego and wrapping his arms around the familiar softness of Phil’s middle. 

Phil responded immediately, letting his own bare arms wrap around Dan’s shoulders as they held each other close in an embrace that didn’t need words to fill the gaps. 

Dan still needed to say what he’d wanted to, though, the words falling from his lips just barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry, too,” he promised. 

Seeming to understand and accept his words as the truth, Phil nodded against the side of Dan’s own head. He didn’t want to let go, he didn’t want to let the world work itself back into place and have everything go back to normal anymore. 

Instead, he wanted to stay like this forever, or at least for as long as they possibly could. 

Unfortunately, though, the sun was still beaming down on them both, warm and muggy air seeping through their lightweight clothes and causing the faintest beads of sweat to form on Dan’s forehead. 

They eventually pulled away, and quite reluctantly, at least on Dan’s side. Hands migrating back to fidget at his sides, he looked Phil over once, feeling that oh so familiar bubbly sensation in his stomach begin to form all over again. What was it about the Red before him that had such an effect on him? Why was he so transfixed by even the slightest move he made? 

Before he could let his brain run over those complicated questions any longer, Dan reached out for Phil’s hand, pulling him back towards his house and mumbling a just barely audible “air conditioning” as he went. 

He unlocked the door one-handedly, silently praising himself on the absolutely useless achievement before opening the door for the two, pulling Phil through the entrance and reluctantly releasing his slightly sweaty hand from his grasp as the latter moved to close the door behind them. 

“I have your books,” said Phil, pulling the two soft covered harlequins from an over the shoulder bag that Dan hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying and placing them gently on the kitchen island. 

Dan smiled, sliding them his way. “Thanks.” He bit his lip, contemplating his next move. “Do you wanna go to my room? The air-con is better in there,” he suggested, thankful he’d added that last part as it would’ve sounded a lot less friendly had he not. Well, it didn’t sound very ‘friendly’, either way, he just hoped Phil wouldn’t notice. 

To his horror, he watched a rosy blush creep up his neck and settle on his cheeks. So yes, Phil had definitely caught the accidental innuendo.

“Yeah, sure,” he answered, anyway. 

Once in Dan’s bedroom, the empty monochrome aesthetic a great contrast to the teenage neon explosion of Phil’s, the two situated themselves on his bed the same way they’d sat on Phil’s, sprawled out in separate personal bubbles that Dan wished so deeply that he could pop. A few short moments later, the realization hit him that he could in fact pop those bubbles that they’d made for themselves– all he had to do was move, reach out, scoot a little closer. So with his breath held, Dan shifted back until he was right next to Phil at the end of his bed. 

Phil searched his eyes for something unsure, pressing his lips together in a firm line before leaning back with his head over the end like he’d been while reading Dan’s harlequin. The latter wondered if maybe he was just as much of an enigma to Phil as he was to him. After all, if anyone was capable of sending more mixed signals than Phil, it was probably Dan. He didn’t pride himself on that fact. 

“I don’t think it’s actually colder in here,” commented Phil, his hands folded over his stomach to match Dan’s. 

Dan rolled his eyes. “Give it ten minutes, you’ll want a coat,” he laughed. 

Chuckling beside him, Phil nodded. “Okay, I trust you.”

“I trust you, too,” replied Dan without missing a heartbeat. He hadn’t even thought about the context of their statements, he just knew that regardless, it was true. 

“With what?” Phil’s brows furrowed. 

Dan shrugged. “Everything, I guess.”

They returned to their usual comfortable silence once more, the younger Blue tapping his fingers inaudibly over the rise and fall of his stomach, his mind elsewhere. He was trying to recall the first time he’d ever felt like this in Phil’s presence. He reckoned it was that first night they’d unofficially met, stargazing under the alabaster sky without knowing so much as the other’s name, no less how much they’d end up meaning to each other a month later. 

It was a subject he’d been avoiding for the past several weeks, but he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he’d be in a different place right now had he not met the strange, trespassing Red on his property what felt like so long ago. Maybe he’d be thriving without the added stress of keeping both Phil’s secret and his own feelings to himself, or perhaps he’d only have dug himself even further into that depressive hole. 

Either way, he didn’t regret sharing his picnic blanket with Phil, or letting him sleep on the couch when he’d only known him for a day. 

Really, he didn’t mind at all, and he doubted he’d change it if he could. 

“So last Wednesday . . . You went on a date with Veda?” Asked Phil slowly, his voice unsure. 

He’d never admit it out loud, but Dan thrived off of this slightly jealous rendition of Phil. It made his stomach twirl and his heart beat a bit faster. 

“She’s got a girlfriend, Phil,” he reminded him. From the way Veda had spoken about Mika, he was sure that she was far too in love to be seeing other people, so he didn’t understand why Phil was so interested. “And my mum set us up, as pathetic as that sounds.”

“Nothing you say is pathetic,” Phil said, voice just barely above a whisper. “Does she do that often– set you up?”

Dan thought a moment, wondering if admitting the true answer would be even more ridiculous for a nearly twenty six year old living on his own. “Yeah,” he answered anyway. “Last month it was the girl from the convenience store, and the month before that it was my mum’s friend’s daughter.”

Half laughing, Phil sighed a heavy breath of air. “Do you even want a relationship, though?”

“Yeah, I think that’d be nice,” Dan frowned. 

“Just not with . . .”

“Them, yeah.”

Phil was quiet for a while, seeming lost in his own head. Dan couldn’t blame him though as he probably spent more time exploring the cobwebs of his own mind than being present everyday. He liked his mind, it was safe. 

“How come people are always trying to forge happiness for us?” Phil asked, seeming truly conflicted in a way that hurt Dan to see. “Why can’t they just . . . let us find our own way?”

Dan laughed, though the sound was dry and humourless. “Because when they’re done living the way they please, we become their dolls.”

Phil was quiet, nodding thoughtfully, and then; “My brother keeps asking me about you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, he says you’re the strangest Blue he’s ever met.”

Dan cocked a brow, interest piqued. “How so?”

Phil hesitated, his words seeming to be caught somewhere in his throat. “He says you seem stuck– like you’re trapped the way you are.”

A large and nearly victorious part of Dan wanted to exclaim that he was right! That someone had finally understood how he’d felt for the last ten years of his life, the shadow he’d been living under. “I am,” he confirmed quietly instead, keeping his eyes glued to the ceiling above. 

Phil, on the other hand, turned over onto his side, resting the side of his head against his palm and leaning his elbow against the mattress. He seemed increasingly more interested all of the sudden, but Dan kept his eyes to the ceiling. 

“Why?” He asked, as if that was something Dan could explain as easily as how to tie your shoes. 

Pausing, Dan tried to think of a way to explain it without either confusing Phil or revealing too much at once. He hadn’t explicitly talked to anyone about Aaron for years, only allowing whoever asked small snippets of the full story. He didn’t know if he was prepared to give that all to Phil yet. 

He decided to take the easy way out, turning on his side to face him. “There was someone really special to me before I turned sixteen, and they were supposed to be the one who got to be a Blue and live happily ever after, but then they left, and now it’s all on me,” he explained as vaguely as he possibly could. 

Phil fixed his gaze to the wall behind Dan, not quite frowning, but not quite appearing pleased either. “So you feel guilty, then?”

“Sure,” responded Dan. 

He knew that Phil was trying his best to understand, though he probably wouldn’t unless Dan explained it in full, and something about Phil made him want to do just that. 

No one spoke, and the quiet was conflicting. Dan was tired, he realized. Tired of his day, tired of hiding, tired of every goddamn aspect of being Dan. Maybe he should just let Phil in, he thought. Perhaps he should brave the emotional storm it would bring and rip the bandage off before the wound had too much time to fester– if it hadn’t already. 

It’d been twelve years since Aaron’s departure, and surely that should’ve been enough time for Dan to get over it and move on, right? After all, that’s what his parents had done. So had his school, and Robbie Malcolm, and the entire world surrounding him, suffocating him. Aaron’s heart had stopped beating that spring, and now Dan was left to wonder if perhaps his had too. 

“It was my brother,” he blurted, breaking the silence. “My little brother.”

Phil looked confused before the puzzle pieces finally fit together for him, and then he was giving Dan those round, grey eyes, the ones that could make him do anything. Only this time, he didn’t think that was their intention. 

“The one who’s not in the picture anymore,” he inferred, though it wasn’t a question. Dan nodded. “Where did he go, Dan?” Phil asked softly, his voice kind and quiet. 

Dan’s throat suddenly felt dry, like he couldn’t breathe. Maybe it was the stuffiness of the air conditioning, he thought as a means to distract himself. Regardless, he dropped his eyes down to the space between he and Phil, swallowing back the lump in his throat. “He killed himself.”

Dan could imagine his eyes were glassy, his voice already small. The admission felt both like a weight of a thousand pounds being lifted from his chest as well as a knife cutting through his insides. Gods, he really didn’t like to talk about Aaron. He didn’t like to tell his story, or let people know his struggles. He didn’t want people to pity him as much as he pitied himself, because that was already far too much. 

The problem was, when he told people like Phil and Cate of the darkness Aaron’s death had caused him, it gave them the insight to know exactly what would hurt him the most. And even though he knew Cate like the back of his hand and trusted Phil as if he’d known him since childhood, vulnerability was scary. No, it was terrifying. 

“I’m so sorry,” whispered Phil, his voice not nearly a fraction of how broken Dan felt. 

He seemed willing to let it go if Dan wanted, and yes, Dan did want to shove those memories back in the box he’d stored them in for over a decade, but he also wanted to give this to Phil. He deserved that, and surprisingly enough, Dan was willing to give in for him. 

“He was only eleven, and I was fourteen, and he was my best fucking friend.” Dan paused, hating the way he already sounded so defeated. “And I didn’t even see it coming.”

Phil didn’t say much, clearly understanding that Dan needed to vent about this on his own. “You can’t blame yourself for that,” he said, eventually filling the silence. “It’s not your fault.”

He’d heard that line too many times before from Cate for it to have any meaning to Dan anymore, but he still appreciated the notion. However, it wouldn’t stop him from blaming himself. After all, Aaron had been going through hell at school back then, courtesy of his ‘friend’ Robbie, and Dan had been too wrapped up in his own teenage drama to notice. 

He didn’t even notice when Aaron had started collecting over the counter meds from their bathroom cupboard. How the fuck hadn’t he noticed his baby brother growing up so fast that he’d felt the best parts of his life were already far behind him? How hadn’t he been able to save him?

Dan ignored Phil’s sincere comment, too busy fighting the way his throat was closing and his eyes were stinging with tears yet to come to acknowledge him. He couldn’t let himself cry, not in front of Phil. He couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t– and then he didn’t have a choice anymore. 

A choked off sob erupted from somewhere in his throat, and that prickling sensation in his eyes finally formed the tears he’d been holding in for so long. Within seconds, his entire face felt hot and his mouth wouldn’t stay shut as his lungs heaved for air. 

He needed to sit up, hide himself against the steady wall, get away from Phil before he saw the ugly of it all. All Dan could think was that Phil would hate him after this. He’d see just how weak Dan really was and he’d be done with him once and for all. At that painful thought, he nearly choked on his own breath, rolling back over onto his back and clutching at his chest. Nothing hurt there on the outside, but his insides were aching, weeping to their own tune. 

Dan squeezed his eyes shut before he could witness Phil’s next move, though the shifting and movement of the mattress prompted him to believe that this was it– Phil was done with his bullshit and was leaving. 

And then he felt a warm hand sliding under his shoulder, another right under his waist. “Dan, you’re gonna be okay, I promise. Can you sit up for me?” To anyone not paying attention, Phil’s words would have seemed well chosen and calm– collected, even. But for Dan, he could hear the slight twinge of panic in his tone, the way he faltered as he said Dan’s name. He was stressing Phil out. 

Wanting to keep Phil as close as possible, Dan obliged to his suggestion, utilizing all the strength he could muster in order to push himself up into a sitting position on very shaky arms. 

Dan felt unsteady, ungrounded, like his arms might just give out and let him fall back to the bed. But then Phil was backing himself up against the wall, pulling Dan into his chest and rubbing slow circles into his back as he heaved sob after sob of pent up emotions. 

Phil felt comfortable, safe, even. With his head resting on the aforementioned’s shoulder and most likely soaking both tears and snot into the fabric of his shirt, Dan peeked his eyes open again. The look on Phil’s face wasn’t quite pity, much to Dan’s comfort. He didn’t want pity, not from Phil, but this was okay. Being held like this for what was easily the first time in years was okay. 

Out of all the shitty things that weren’t okay right now, this was. 

“It’s okay, let it all out,” spoke Phil softly, still rubbing those same gentle circles into his back. Dan wanted to respond, say thank you, say anything, but the only sounds that fell from his lips between slowing sobs were merely broken off syllables that made virtually no sense. He didn’t think Phil cared much though, especially as he felt the hand that’d previously been on his back slide up to tangle in his curly mess of hair, massaging fingers into his scalp. 

“You’re safe here, you know,” continued Phil, pulling Dan in even closer to his comforting body heat. “Everything’s okay, I promise I won’t ever leave you like that.”

That was enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading !! Maybe go like and reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated and I hope you have a wonderful day :•)


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya !! Sorry this is so late, I’ve just been abnormally busy this week. I actually got a date last night ! Can you believe ? 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

Dan had forgotten over time how good it felt to be held in someone’s arms like Phil was doing for him now. He’d forgotten what it was like to be vulnerable and lay yourself out for another human being without hiding the difficult things. How was it that Phil drew such emotion from him, made him feel so exposed and yet so completely safe in his company? 

He wondered this as he leaned all his weight against Phil, head still resting on his shoulder and eyes still far from dry as the previously fast paced and unsteady rhythm of his ragged breath slowed back down to normal. His eyes were still closed, hands balled into weak fists between his and Phil’s clothed chests. He could feel the steady rise and fall of the latter’s stomach, the subtle consistency giving him an odd sense of security. He found great comfort in having someone he felt incredibly close to pressed against him, heartbeat like a metronome helping him find his way back again. 

Phil rubbed slow patterns into the soft of his back, his head resting on top of Dan’s. “You’re okay now, you’re not alone,” he murmured before turning his head to plant a quick kiss to the curls atop Dan’s foggy head. 

He felt his breath hitch in his throat again, eyes momentarily squeezing shut. He didn’t want to move, didn’t want Phil to get up, or push him away, or leave. He just wanted to feel at peace, and that was the exact affect Phil’s welcoming arms had on him. Dan didn’t ever want to move. 

Time passed, whether it was minutes or hours, and slowly but surely, Dan began to feel more alive again. He still felt the urge to stay pressed against Phil’s shoulder and hide from the rest of the world for the time being, but he no longer felt suffocated anymore. Instead, he just felt an uneven mixture of numbness and comfort. How he could feel both at the same time, he wasn’t sure, but warmth was winning over the nothingness. 

“Thank you,” whispered Dan, just barely audible. 

Phil squeezed him tighter around the middle in response but neglected to say anything. Dan didn’t mind the silence– in fact, he welcomed it. The more he could stay quiet, the longer he could pretend nothing was wrong, and that was all he could hope for at the moment.

“Can I ask you a question?” Asked Phil, sounding reluctant. Oh no, Dan didn’t know what he was about to say, but he knew he wouldn’t like it, whatever it was. He’d answer anyway, though. It was the least he could give Phil in return for being this good to him. 

He nodded, humming and awaiting Phil’s next query. 

“Why do you feel guilty for being a Blue?” 

Dan didn’t answer for a few long moments, contemplating how to best describe the way his gut wrenched at the thought of having something that should’ve belonged to his little brother, the way his heart felt as if it were contracting whenever he looked in the mirror and didn’t see Aaron standing beside him with an electric blue tattoo to match. It felt wrong, almost dirty to have what wasn’t fairly his own. He felt as though ignoring the latter’s struggles had been enough of a betrayal, but walking around proudly with the marking that would’ve brought him so many opportunities to live a full life? That felt like stabbing Aaron in the back. 

“It’s not mine.”

Phil’s hand stopped its movements for a moment before continuing to rub his back soothingly. “What isn’t?” He asked quietly, afraid of overstepping his bounds, Dan could tell. He winced, that little part of him that’d believed he’d get away with such a vague answer disappointed. Phil must’ve felt the action, gently pulling Dan away from him and causing him to open his eyes to see greyish blue ones staring back at him full of nothing but understanding. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he reminded him. 

Dan smiled weakly, shaking his head a fraction. “He was supposed to be the one who got the Blue tattoo and lived a really nice life in a nice house with a wife and kids, y’know? But I’ve stolen that from him.”

Phil frowned, the already present creases of his forehead only deepening. The hand that was resting on Dan’s back slid up to cup his jaw, thumb gently smoothing over the still tear stained skin of his cheek. 

“Dan,” he spoke, his voice firm and unwavering. “I don’t know the full situation, but I do know that you aren’t responsible for his death, okay? I know you, and I know how much you’re willing to give for someone when you really care. No matter how you could’ve done things differently, it wasn’t your fault.”

Dan continued to stare right into those grey eyes. It was like he was glued to them, and if he even dared to move his gaze elsewhere then he’d risk bursting into tears again. Biting his bottom lip in an attempt to stop the tears from spilling over, he stayed silent and hoped Phil would understand that it wasn’t that easy to believe. He’d been telling himself the exact opposite of Phil’s words since he was fourteen, so it’d take a lot more convincing than that. 

“Do you know why you’re a Blue?” Phil asked. This was a question that Dan truly couldn’t answer, so he shook his head in response. “You’re a Blue because you’re kind, and gentle, and warm, Dan. You don’t want to hurt anyone, and no one like that could ever be responsible for what you blame yourself for. You know that, right?”

No, he didn’t, and he probably never would. He wasn’t kind, or gentle, and he certainly wasn’t warm. He was sure there was no one on earth who would ever use words such as ‘warm’ to describe him. “I’m not warm,” he protested, his voice small and a tad bit raspy. 

Phil shook his head, smiling sadly before pulling Dan back in to rest against his chest and squeezing his tightly. “You feel pretty warm to me,” he murmured into Dan’s curls. 

Regardless of whether he wanted to or not, Dan felt himself smile just a little tiny bit, breathing in the now familiar scent of Phil. 

“Shut up,” he responded, but the words held no actual weight. He was just tired– exhausted, really. Dan didn’t want to cry anymore, or share anymore secrets. He’d been more open with Phil in the past hour than he’d ever been with even Cate. Part of that made him feel guilty, because he’d really only known Phil for just over a month, but what did that matter if he made his chest feel a bit warmer and eyes a bit less dull? 

It was then that Dan realized just how far down the rabbit hole he was in the world of Phil Lester. He was so far gone for him, so full of affection that he felt he might actually explode from it all. Oh, what he wouldn’t give to find the courage to tell him, tell him how badly he’d wanted Phil to kiss him that morning, how terribly desperate he constantly was for the Red’s touch and the soothing sound of his voice. He wanted him, and he’d never wanted anyone so bad. 

But he couldn’t tell him that, couldn’t risk ruining this. That would be far worse than remaining only friends with him for the rest of their time together, that of which he prayed would be long. 

Dan felt Phil’s body shift, and then his arms tighten around his midsection. “I really hate to leave, but I need to get back to Martyn,” said Phil. Dan could hear both the sincerity and the disappointment in his tone, but it didn’t stop the panic in his chest from fluttering, regardless. 

He frowned, tightening his grip on Phil’s shirt, too. “You said you wouldn’t leave,” he complained. 

Phil pressed another short-lived kiss to the top of Dan’s head, making the aforementioned’s heart do funny things that he couldn’t quite explain. “I’ll be back, I promise. You know I’ll always come back to you.”

It took him a moment, but eventually Dan nodded, reluctantly moving away and allowing Phil to stand from the bed before accompanying him back out to the sliding screen door. He didn’t want him to go, and Phil didn’t want to go either, but after a few drawn out minutes of ‘thank you’s and ‘see you next Tuesday’s, Phil was gone. 

Shortly after, Dan managed to find the strength to move from the sofa where he’d reminded since Phil had left and make dinner, eating before crashing under the temporary warmth of his grey and black comforter. 

—

The rest of his week had passed in a bit of a blur, one day melting easily into the next as nothing overly exciting or noteworthy seemed to happen for days on end. On Saturday, Phil came by for the day, taking him back to that spot by the pond he’d taken him to earlier and making small talk about subjects much lighter than their last. All in all it was a good day, and Dan had once again been upset to see him leave that evening. Only this time he’d get to see him much sooner, and with much more promise. 

This had to be the first year in more than a decade that he was actually excited for his birthday, and not even for reasons pertaining to him. He didn’t care about presents, or cake, or celebration. Dan was really just using this whole thing as a way to lure Phil back into his home and spend time with him again. 

It was now Tuesday morning, less than twelve hours until Phil would show up at his doorstep, ready to make spaghetti –of all things– and spend the evening with Dan. 

He couldn’t seem to keep himself from bouncing on his heels every few seconds as he brushed his teeth in the morning, humming softly on the walk into work and even going so far as to smile when greeted warmly by an uncharacteristically enthusiastic Cate upon his arrival. 

“Happy Birthday, Howell!” She cheered, grinning as she worked at unlocking the café doors. 

Dan glanced at the ‘No Reds’ sign, frowning as he thought of how wonderful it would be to have Phil come in and visit him every once in a while. “Thanks,” he smiled, following her inside. 

The rest of his morning from then on went by quite smoothly. The customers seemed almost nicer than usual, the shop wasn’t too busy, and Cate even let him sneak a few cookies from the display case every once in a while, pretending she wasn’t looking. 

During her lunch break, the cheery woman disappeared from her coffee shop, presumably to go get food for herself. While she was gone, Dan worked the main cash register, luckily only dealing with a few customers, none of which were too fussy or difficult to serve. 

Today was going quite decently, he reckoned. 

When Cate returned it was with a small, yellow and white cardboard box in one hand and a lighter in the other. 

“Please don’t set the café on fire on my birthday, of all days,” he whined, faking concern before laughing when Cate rolled her eyes in amusement. 

“Oh shush,” she tutted, then gesturing at the open and now empty coffee shop. “Go turn the open sign around and meet me in the back, will you?”

Dan obliged, stepping out from around the cash and flipping the sign so that it read ‘closed’ in bold red colouring, regardless of it only being half past noon. He knew they’d open up again once Cate was done with whatever she was doing, though, so he didn’t worry about it. 

Slowly, and maybe a little bit scared, Dan made his way over to the closed staff lounge door, bracing himself for whatever ‘you’re getting old’ wisdom Cate was about to bestow upon him. Braving the well intentioned storm, he pushed open the doors

He nearly jumped a foot in the air as he was greeted by the loud and so-characteristically-Cate singing upon entering the room. She laughed at his reaction, but continued singing ‘Happy Birthday’ anyway, walking carefully towards Dan with a cupcake and lit candle carried in her hands. 

Dan grinned. She knew he loved chocolate cupcakes, but she was so extra. Once she was done with her song, he blew out the candle. 

“Thank you,” he spoke through his grin, accepting the cupcake and placing it on the table before engulfing Cate in a warm hug, squeezing her half to death. “I love you.”

She laughed again, hugging him back with only slightly less force. “Love you, too, Dan. Happy birthday.”

After pulling apart, the two sat down at the small table of the staff lounge, Dan removing the candle and breaking the large cupcake in half to share with his boss. After minor hesitation, Cate accepted the half, picking off little bits at a time. 

Dan did the same, only a bit faster and with more enthusiasm, surprisingly. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy on your birthday,” commented Cate, cocking her head to the side before taking a bite of her cupcake half. 

Dan kept his eyes on his food but nodded anyway. “Yeah, me neither,” he agreed, following the words with a chuckle. 

“Got any plans for tonight?” 

He’d nodded once more. “Yeah, spaghetti dinner with Phil.”

Cate laughed, raising a perfectly sculpted brow. “Why spaghetti, of all things?” She queried. 

“Dunno,” he admitted, shrugging. “I just wanted to force Phil into making spaghetti for me.”

Nodding slowly in response, Cate hummed. Dan met her eyes, and something within them insinuated that perhaps she knew something he didn’t– like maybe there was something he wasn’t seeing as clearly as she was. 

“Have you told him about–“ She waved her hand dismissively, “yet?”

Dan knew she was referring to his confusing feelings, the ones that had only strengthened since last they spoke. He shook his head, wiping chocolate crumbs from his shirt. He didn’t know if he’d ever tell him, really. It just didn’t feel like something that would ever be reciprocated the way he wished it would. Even Phil, himself, had said that nearly kissing Dan had just been a mixture of exhaustion and confusion. He probably felt nothing more than friendship, and really, Dan was sure he could live with that for now. It would be much better than any awkward silences that admitting his feelings would bring. 

“Are you going to?” 

“No, I don’t think there’s any point.”

Cate frowned. “I think there is,” she protested. “I may not know everything about him, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you. It’s the same way you look at him, dumbass.”

Ignoring her comment in fear that he’d accidentally let the speculation consume him, Dan scoffed. “Hey! It’s my birthday, you’re not allowed to call me a dumbass!”

She narrowed her eyes, looking so incredibly done with him at the moment. Dan couldn’t blame her– he really was a pain in the ass. “You’re so difficult.”

“I know.”

There was silence for a few moments, and then Cate was looking down to her folded hands on the table, frowning. “You’re twenty six now, aren’t you?”

Dan hummed, reaching his left hand across the table to clasp hers. “Yeah.”

She met his eyes once again, her own now wide and almost teary. “That means I’ve known you for seven years.” She paused, squeezing his hand. “You know you’re like a son to me, right?” She asked. 

He’d always known that Cate didn’t want kids of her own, but on the same page, of course he knew he was technically her child. After all the mothering she’d done for him when his own mum hadn’t been available to do so, she’d earned every single right to love Dan like a son. After all, he loved her just as much as his own biological mother. 

“Of course, Cate,” he answered, taking note of the way she seemed to be fighting tears. He’d never seen her so emotional, and it made him wonder why this birthday in particular was making her so mushy. “You’re like a second mum, too, you know.”

Cate scoffed again, but Dan could tell it was merely to keep herself from crying this time. She stood from her chair, Dan following her as she threw the crumb-covered cupcake wrapper in the rubbish bin before turning back to face him. “Okay, let's go back out and open up again.”

The rest of his work day was good, to say the least. Peaceful, even. He worked until two when his shift ended and bid farewell to Cate with a warm hug and one last ‘happy birthday’ before they both took off in their separate directions. 

The entire walk home was particularly dusty, even more so than usual, and the blistering heat wasn’t helping much, either. When he arrived home, the first thing he did was pour himself a glass of water and collapse on the long sofa, too tired to move for a good twenty minutes. Eventually, though, Dan remembered that Phil would be over in less than two hours, at five, and his house was still rather messy as per usual. 

He quickly got to work busying himself with putting away laundry, doing up the few dishes he’d recently produced and wiping down most dusty surfaces he could find. These were normally things he wouldn’t give a single fuck about when having someone over, especially when it was someone he was so comfortable with, like Phil. But for whatever reason it was, perhaps the overhyped occasion or the intensification of his romantic feelings, Dan wanted everything to be neat, tidy, and impressive. He didn’t like being seen as a charity case, or someone to be fixed, so at the very least having his house together made him feel that much better. 

Maybe he couldn’t quite get his life together, but he could tackle this. 

Dan was mid-way through wiping down the counter surrounding the sink when the phone rang, still managing to make him jump regardless of the frequency at which it rang. 

“Hello?” He spoke, holding the phone to his ear. 

“My birthday boy!” His mother exclaimed, her loud voice soothing in its own special way. “How are you, love?”

Dan chuckled, moving to sit down on the sofa. “I’m good, mum. You?” 

“Oh, I’m wonderful! And before you ask, no, I didn’t forget about your birthday until now. The phone line just picked today of all days to be down.”

“That’s alright. What are you up to?”

“Nothing special. How’s your birthday been so far? You sound slightly happier than last year.”

Smiling to himself, Dan pressed the palm of his hand into the sofa cushion. “It’s been really nice so far, actually. Cate gave me a cupcake.”

“Oh, that’s Lovely,” replied Harriet, though Dan could tell any enthusiasm her voice held was mainly for his sake. She still didn’t quite like Cate, but Dan appreciated her trying for him. “Listen, dear. Your father and I were just wondering if you still plan on coming over tonight for your birthday dinner.”

Fuck, right. His birthday dinner. The reason he hated most of his birthdays, the one thing he’d forgotten to cancel this time around. “Uh, I’m so sorry, I totally forgot to tell you, but . . .” How do you tell your mother that you’d rather spend the night with someone you only met a month ago than your own family? “I’m sorry, mum, I made other plans.”

He could hear Harriet’s sigh through the phone, the silence that followed pressing on Dan’s chest. 

“Okay,” she spoke. She didn’t sound angry at all, just unimpressed. Disappointed, even, and suddenly Dan wanted to make himself small. “Who did you make plans with?” 

He was sure his mum hadn’t meant for it to be an interrogation, but that’s what it was beginning to feel like. “Phil, my friend from a few weeks ago.”

Quiet, again. 

“Alright, as long as you’re happy, Dan,” sighed his mum. “What are you two going to do?”

“Just dinner at my place. I’m sorry, again,” Dan apologized sincerely. He really had forgotten to tell her, he just hoped she and his dad hadn’t started on anything special for him only to be given this information. 

Another heavy sigh. “Daniel Howell, will you stop saying you’re sorry? It’s okay, love. Just have fun tonight, yeah?”

“Okay, mum.” He paused, trying to think of what to say. “Thank you,” he settled for. “I love you.”

She laughed quietly, and Dan could imagine her shaking his head. “I love you, too. Happy birthday, I’ll see you soon?” 

Dan smiled once more. “Yeah, I’ll talk to you later. Bye mum.”

“Goodbye!”

Twenty minutes later and Dan was done cleaning up his home, deciding it best to then take a shower and rid himself of the sweat from his walk earlier. He gathered one of his oversized and fittingly monochrome plaid shirts, along with some trademark black jeans and made his way into the bathroom. He shut the door and turned on the fan so the room wouldn’t be covered in steam by the time he finished in there, an action he usually forgot to take. 

Once in the shower, Dan quickly made work of lathering scented shampoo into his wet curls, keeping his eyes closed and humming some random tune as he did so. After scrubbing body wash over the slight tan of his skin, Dan somehow found the willpower to turn off the warm water, his skin mourning the loss as he was soon covered in goosebumps. 

He was fast to dry himself off, putting on fresh clothes and brushing his teeth once more. Once done, Dan travelled out into the lounge, just barely sitting down before there was a knock on his sliding glass door. 

He pushed off the sofa, tugging on the hem of his shirt as he made his way towards the back entrance to let Phil in. He didn’t know why he was so nervous this time, why he was making such a big deal out of seeing Phil on his birthday when he’d never done so before. Phil was just Phil, he didn’t have any reason to be anxious about seeing him. 

He pulled the door open, immediately being greeted with a grinning Phil. “Hi,” he said lamely, stepping back so that Phil could follow and shutting the door behind him. 

“Happy birthday,” replied Phil, but for whatever reason, it sounded nicer coming from his mouth. Like it wasn’t such a rehearsed thing. 

Dan didn’t respond verbally, instead stepping forward and collecting his second hug of the day. Phil returned the favour, his warm arms clearing Dan’s mind of any negativity caused by his mother’s words. He was beginning to love the way he fit against Phil more and more, every time they touched starting to feel like it was building up to something. Like maybe Dan losing control and telling Phil everything, or perhaps something else. Either way, it was exciting, and scary, and brand new. 

When they pulled away, Dan felt the electricity in the air remain the same, and he smiled. “Wanna go make spaghetti with me?” He asked, hitching his thumb over his shoulder to point to the kitchen. 

Phil nodded. “Yeah, let’s do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (ordanary) ? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated and I hope you have a lovely day :•)


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween, loves !! Can you believe I’m actually posting this chapter on time for once ?? Wow, me neither. Anyway, I hope you enjoy !!

Over the past few weeks, Dan had often found himself wishing that he was sixteen as opposed to twenty six. He could much easier justify his stupidly intense crush if he wasn’t already an adult, living on his own and perfectly capable of controlling his actions and emotions. Maybe being a teenager would even make his feelings feel a tad bit less real, and then he’d be able to deal with them easier knowing they’d pass. 

Only this, what he felt for Phil Lester as he stood in his kitchen stirring tomato sauce, this didn’t feel as though it might pass anytime soon. 

Dan was stood in close proximity beside him, busy tending to the cooking spaghetti noodles in his own pot and trying his very best not to let his emotions get the best of him. “Is yours almost ready?” He asked, not looking away from his pasta. 

Phil remained silent, swaying a bit to bump Dan’s hip with his own and nodding. Dan copied the action, drawing a quiet laugh from his friend. 

The two cooked in comfortable quiet for a while longer, their sides occasionally brushing together as they moved, consequently making Dan’s chest flutter. It wasn’t fair, he thought, that the smallest of touches and the most casual of words could cause him to feel so affectionate for someone he was sure would never reciprocate his intense feelings. Maybe they’d fade over time, those feelings, but it certainly wouldn’t be before he tore himself apart over it. 

When Dan wasn’t paying attention, Phil pulled one of his noodles from the lowly boiling water of his pot with a fork, dropping it in his own mouth and looking awfully concentrated as he did so. “Definitely done,” declared Phil, nodding confidently. Dan turned the dial so the stove top turned off, removing the heavy pot and dumping it over the pasta strainer in the sink. He then dumped it from there back into the now empty pot, placing it back on the stove top and allowing Phil to pour his tomato sauce into the pot as well. The latter got to work stirring while Dan worked on tidying up a bit of their mess as if to make their jobs easier later on in the night. Truth be told, he’d probably leave it. Despite all the cleaning he’d done today, Dan just wasn’t all that big on dishes.

“Where do you keep your bowls, again?” Asked Phil. 

Dan pointed to the cabinets. “Third one to your left.” 

Soon they were sat side by side on the sofa, only a few inches separating them as they talked of all sorts of strange things. Phil couldn’t seem to stop praising the sauce he’d made, making Dan giggle in turn and nudge his shoulder playfully. 

It was hard not to be so carefree and happy around him. Even though Dan was constantly worrying that he might catch onto his feelings, always wondering if he was being a bit too transparent, being himself around Phil just came naturally. It felt right, felt good. 

“So you have tomorrow off,” spoke Phil, placing his empty pasta bowl on the coffee table. 

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. “No, I work until Friday,” he reminded him, wondering what had caused him to believe otherwise. 

The later shook his head, chuckling. “No, I mean I talked to Cate on the phone today. She’s giving you the day off tomorrow so I can have you all to myself.”

Dan smiled, pleasantly surprised. He tried to ignore how Phil’s words make him feel just that extra bit important. “I feel special,” he admitted.

“You are.” Phil didn’t miss a beat. 

And then there was a short silence before some equally as awkward laughter. Right, so he was joking. Dan could let his nerves calm down. 

“So what are we doing, then?” He asked, pressing his shoulder to Phil’s quickly before shifting back into his spot. He wondered if normal best friends touched each other as much as they did. He wouldn’t know, he’d never had one– a normal best friend. 

Shaking his head, Phil smirked. “Oh no, you’re not finding out until tomorrow, Danny boy.”

Dan grimaced. “Fine, but if you ever call me ‘Danny’ again I’ll decapitate you.” Phil gave him an overly exaggerated frown, his bottom lip sticking out as he pouted. Dan elbowed him gently before deciding to flip the subject back over to their plans while Phil laughed. “So are you staying the night?”

Seeming caught off guard, Phil froze, stumbling for words while Dan secretly hoped his answer would be yes. “Only if you want,” he finally offered, his voice seeming strained. 

“Of course I do.” Dan frowned, confused as to why the Red looked so hesitant. Unless he– oh. “Unless you don’t want to, that is.” 

“No, of course I want to. I just didn’t know if you really wanted me to.”

Dan raised a brow, looking at Phil as if he’d just said the most redundant thing in the entire universe. “You can be a bit stupid sometimes, y’know that?”

Phil nodded his head, fighting a smile. “You too, birthday boy.”

Yeah, he knew that. 

They both made their equally little effort to clean up the kitchen once done with their food, lazily shoving leftovers in the fridge and wiping the marble counter. Phil offered to do more, asking every few seconds if there was anything more he could do, but Dan always told him no. He’d done enough good, they could relax again. 

Phil followed Dan to the linen closet that both were surprised he owned to grab a pillow and some blankets for the former. He was going to sleep on the sofa, as he’d offered while they were cleaning up. 

The more Dan thought of it, though, he couldn’t really figure out why the fuck he wasn’t just going to sleep in his bed with him. It was how they’d slept at Phil’s place on a few occasions, and it had never seemed to bother either of them. 

Sure, maybe he was only thinking about it so much now because he wanted to be close to him even more so than the last time they’d ‘slept’ together. Maybe he was just desperate to share the same space with Phil and perhaps wake up against his chest or with his hand in Dan’s hair, perhaps he was just craving Phil again. 

Whatever it was, he chose not to worry about it too much for the time being. He reckoned that wouldn’t do him any good. 

Suddenly stealing the blankets and pillow back from where they’d just placed them on the sofa, Dan frowned, his eyes fixed on the floor and yet nowhere at all. 

“Dan?” 

He snapped his head up, remembering what he’d been doing and just how odd this must’ve looked to Phil, the person who was supposed to be using the items in his arms. 

“Just sleep in my room,” he spoke, meeting Phil’s greyish blue eyes. 

“On the floor?”

“No,” Dan said, eyes drifting to his bedroom door over Phil’s shoulder. “In my bed with me.”

Phil seemed quite tempted, biting his lip. “You sure you’re cool with that?”

Dan nodded, giving his best puppy eyes. “Please?”

Phil gave in then, nodding and following him back to the linen closet like he had just minutes ago, only this time Dan was putting everything back. 

It was only just past six thirty, and both Dan and Phil seemed ready for bed. Not quite ready for sleep, but definitely ready to sit on Dan’s mattress with pjs on and busy themselves somehow. Probably not in the way Dan wanted to busy them, but he could dream. 

Reaching back to tug on Phil’s sleeve, Dan dragged him over to the bathroom, gesturing to their toothbrushes once inside. Yes, Phil’s was still positioned beside Dan’s, and no, he didn’t think it would move from that place anytime soon. 

“You’ve still got my toothbrush?” Asked Phil, eyeing Dan with something the latter couldn’t quite decipher. 

“Uh huh,” responded Dan, already putting toothpaste on his own toothbrush. But a little voice in the back of his mind was wondering if Phil’s question meant that his borrowed toothbrush didn’t still have a place in the Lester brothers’ bathroom, if maybe small things like that didn’t mean as much to Phil as they did to him. 

Phil didn’t respond, reaching forward to do the same with his own toothbrush before the two stood side by side brushing their teeth. The action felt familiar and homey, like it was something they did every night before bed. And it was something they’d done a few times before, but certainly not enough to be routine. Dan wasn’t hopeful enough to add a ‘yet’ to the end of that thought. 

Either way, he knew he’d have to savour these moments, the ones that were most likely insignificant to Phil and sacred to Dan. The domesticity of brushing their teeth together and making dinner side by side, he’d have to keep thoughts of those moments for himself. 

Once they were both done, having put their brushes back in the holder, they made their way into Dan’s bedroom. 

“Wanna borrow some pyjamas?” 

“Yes please.”

Dan made sure not to stare as they got changed only a few feet apart from one another. 

“What now?” Asked Phil, sat on Dan’s bed with his legs folded beneath him. “It’s still fairly early.”

The impulsive part of Dan wanted to pretend to be incredibly overwhelmed and exhausted, to suggest they just watch something on his laptop and call it a night. That was mostly because he was eager to fall asleep beside him, though. Dan wasn’t actually very tired at all. 

He thought of what he had at his disposal in his home, what they could do to pass the time that didn’t involve anything too self indulgent. “We can play cards, if you’d like,” he suggested. 

He hoped Phil would comply because he really wasn’t sure there was much else to do. 

“Yeah, that sounds fun. Go Fish?” Dan nodded. “Alright, well just know that I’m gonna kick your ass, Birthday Boy.”

—

Despite Phil’s promise, Dan did actually win two out of three rounds of their card game. Maybe it was because he was just really skilled at cards, or maybe it was only because he could see Phil’s own hand of cards whenever he leaned forward a bit. 

At half past seven, after they’d ventured out into the still messy kitchen to fetch some water, Dan suggested they find something to watch on the film program of his laptop. They’d searched the website for twenty minutes too long before finally settling on some mock horror film that was more funny than scary. 

Dan didn’t care, though, because it meant he got to sit against his headboard next to Phil, their thighs and shoulders pressed together without a care for personal space. At some point near the end of the movie when both their eyes had been drifting shut, heads leant against one other’s, Phil had mumbled something about going to bed, and Dan’s tired mind hadn’t bothered to argue in the least bit. 

So under the too warm covers on their respective sides of Dan’s double bed, the two men fell asleep easily. It wasn’t what Dan had wanted, exactly, but it was as he’d expected, which was good enough for him. Besides, he wouldn’t trust himself not to do something embarrassing if he were to fall unconscious with Phil so impossibly close. That would only be a recipe for disaster. 

Dan didn’t know what time it was when he awoke next. It was dark, he knew that just from the pitch black behind his eyelids. He was still in bed, though perhaps closer to the centre of the mattress, as his arm was stretched out with his fingers hanging over the edge of the bed. 

He didn’t move, didn’t bother tensing up at the memory that Phil was lying next to him and under the same covers. He was too tired, perhaps a bit tipsy with exhaustion. He couldn’t quite comprehend anything outside of the way his chest felt light and his body felt warm. Maybe a bit too warm, but what else could he expect in June? 

Suddenly there was something brushing against his arm, the shifting of weight on his mattress and hot breath against his neck. He peeked an eye open, his vision blurry a moment before he could focus on Phil beside him, on his side with his head resting over the crook of his elbow. He smiled lazily in acknowledgment of Dan, his fingers continuing to lightly brush back and forth against the electric blue of his bare arm. 

Neither spoke for a few long moments. Dan just looked at Phil, eyes wandering every so often to the soft curve of his cheek bones or the roundness of his eyes. There wasn’t much else he could make out in the dim and grainy light, but he still thought Phil looked absolutely beautiful, regardless. 

“Hi,” whispered Phil, blinking. 

Dan smiled. “Hi. What time is it?” 

“Just after one.”

“Oh.”

Phil didn’t bother to respond. Maybe he was just too tired to remember what they were talking about. Dan was practically on the same boat, so he couldn’t blame him. 

The former began tracing circles into the soft of Dan’s skin lightly with his fingers, causing Dan to shiver slightly. Phil stopped, pulling his hand back a bit before letting it rest in the small space between them. 

“Why’re you awake?” Asked Dan, sounding more like a ten year old than the twenty six year old he now was. Oh well, he was barely even awake himself. 

Phil shut his eyes for a few moments before reopening them with a drunken smile. “Dunno. You?”

“Me neither.”

Silence followed, the air calm and tranquil. An out of place movement caught Dan’s eye, snapping him back mostly to attention. Phil had moved to prop himself up on his elbow weakly, his cheek resting in the palm of his hand and causing him to lean forward a bit. 

For a split second, Dan thought that maybe Phil was gonna try to kiss him again, and he knew he’d kiss back. But he wasn’t, it was just gravity doing it’s cruel job and playing tricks on his mind. 

His brain still a little high on exhaustion and the strange in between feeling of being awake so late, Dan didn’t bother to turn on his verbal filter. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure he had one at this early hour. 

“Thought you were gonna kiss me for a second there,” he spoke aloud, his voice a bit draggy and quiet. 

Phil didn’t look confused, or offended, or disgusted. He just smirked, swaying back and forth on the weight of his elbow and looking just as sleep deprived as Dan. 

“Do you want me to?” He asked in response, as if that wasn’t the question that had confused Dan so immensely just a few weeks back. 

The latter didn’t think before nodding. Maybe he’d regret it come morning when things were painfully awkward and one of them inevitably made up some excuse as to why they needed to leave, but for now he didn’t really care. 

Or maybe it was just that he hadn’t thought that far ahead yet, but he’d like to pretend that wasn’t it– that he was just a bit more spontaneous during the wee hours of the morning. 

Before he had time to understand his next quick movement, Phil was leant over him, face mere inches from his own. He didn’t quite know how that’d happened, but he wasn’t complaining either. Was Phil about to kiss him? He hoped so.

And then he was leaning down that extra bit and pressing his lips to Dan’s, and he thought this had to be fiction. This couldn’t be real, couldn’t be happening. There was absolutely no way that Phil fucking Lester was kissing him right now, no fucking way. 

But he was, and Dan thought he must be in heaven. He pressed forward, letting his hands clasp loosely behind Phil’s neck as he slipped his tongue into his mouth. Phil still tasted faintly of his mint toothpaste, but also of something that was entirely and uniquely him. It was something that maybe shouldn’t have tasted as good as it did, but Dan wanted to drown in it anyway. He didn’t ever want to taste anything but Phil on his lips ever again. 

Phil’s knees were bracketed on either side of Dan’s thighs now, one hand at his side and the other finding a place tangled in the wild curls of his bedhead. With their chests pressed together like this, Dan could feel his heartbeat against his. It was like a metronome, steady and grounding– but fast, too. 

Their lips continued to move together as Dan explored the inside of Phil’s mouth with a lazy curiosity. Everything felt so surreal, so intense and eager and yet he couldn’t believe this was actually happening, not in the least bit. 

After pulling away in a mess of heavy breaths and quiet laughs, Dan kept his eyes closed. He felt as though his grin might split his cheeks if he were to smile any wider, that he might actually cry if he let himself process the fact that he’d just kissed Phil, and that Phil had kissed him back. 

Phil was the first to speak, his voice still as quiet and curious as before. “Was that okay?” He asked. 

Dan almost wanted to laugh. In fact, he did, following his laughter with a small nod as he opened his eyes. Of course it was okay, how couldn’t it be? “Definitely.”

Phil swooped down to steal one more kiss from Dan’s swollen lips before settling down beside him again, this time closer. 

Dan wanted to stay up and kiss Phil until the morning, but he knew they were both so tired that they could barely keep their eyes open. So instead he merely shuffled closer to Phil, unable to contain his grin when the aforementioned pulled him into his chest and draped an arm over his side. 

—

Sunlight flooded in through the window of Dan’s room thanks to the fact that he’d forgotten to close his curtains the night before. When he came to full consciousness, he quickly took note that he was still wrapped loosely in the arms of the man who had kissed him last night, the man whose chest was currently rising and falling steadily against his own. Right, Phil had kissed him. Had that actually happened? 

Dan contemplated moving away from Phil before the latter woke up, fearing that things might be a tad bit awkward if they were to wake up like this. But no matter how rapidly his brain was processing his every anxiety, Dan didn’t move. He couldn’t bring himself to. 

Instead he lied still against Phil’s body heat and allowed himself to relax. It was too early to care so much. 

An hour passed before Phil finally stirred, first snuggling his head in closer to Dan before groaning. “I don’t wanna be awake,” he spoke groggily, his voice muffled by the fabric of Dan’s night shirt. 

Dan chuckled quietly, not bothering to open his eyes. “Me neither.”

They were both silent for a few sleepy minutes before Phil gently detached himself from Dan, sitting up and leaning his weight on his red tattooed arm. Dan looked up at him with curiosity, yawning. 

“Did that actually happen last night?” He asked, resting his cheek on his arm, still too lazy to sit up. 

Phil smiled, seeming far off, like maybe he was remembering it as Dan currently was. “Well, it actually happened this morning, but–“ Dan scoffed, grinning at Phil’s need to correct him over something so little. “Yeah, it happened.”

Nodding against his folded arm, Dan fixed his gaze on Phil’s shirt. “Do we have to talk about it?” 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, it was just that the longer they could avoid it, the easier it would be for him. He could live in peace for a while as long as he believed it meant something to Phil. 

For once in his life, he didn’t want closure. 

Phil frowned, settling back down beside Dan. “I think we should, but that doesn’t mean it has to happen right now,” he spoke. 

“Okay.” Dan nodded once more, meeting Phil’s eyes again with a relaxed smile. He could live with that. “Breakfast?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) if you enjoyed ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated and I hope you have a lovely day :•)


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man I am soooo sorry it’s so late again. I don’t even think I have a valid excuse, November just fucks with my head. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys this chapter :)

“You’ve got whipped cream on your chin,” Dan laughed from across the sofa cushions, his calves tucked under his thighs. 

He’d been the one to originally offer to make breakfast for Phil, but the latter had quickly stolen that idea right from the tip of his tongue and pulled out the biggest frying pan he could find. He followed the action by shuffling through Dan’s kitchen cabinets until he managed to find what he needed to in order to make pancakes, all the while Dan followed him around on sleepy feet with a smile in his tired eyes. 

And really, they’d been some of the best pancakes he’d ever had in his life, made even better by the random remembrance that there was in fact unexpired whipped cream somewhere in the back of his refrigerator. 

So that’s how they’d ended up on the sofa again, not much space separating them besides the minuscule bit of tension caused by their early morning actions. 

Phil raised a brow. “Where?”

Dan didn’t know whether that was a challenge or not, but his tone definitely suggested so. Did he want him to point it out? Or wipe it off? Or kiss it away? 

Okay, probably not the last one, but Dan could dream. 

He decided to play it safe and leaned forward just a bit to swipe his thumb across the pale, smooth skin of Phil’s chin, the white and fluffy bit of whipped cream now on his thumb. He could lick it from there, but he wasn’t that bold. 

“All good now?” Phil asked, amusement poorly hidden within his tone. 

Dan nodded with a shy smile, wiping the remaining dessert topping onto a paper towel he’d completely forgotten about. Why hadn’t he used that five seconds ago? 

“What’s on the agenda for today?” He questioned, sitting up a bit straighter. 

Phil set down his fork. “It’s a surprise.”

“That’s not fair, it’s not even my birthday anymore!” Dan frowned. 

“Too bad, you’re not finding out until we’re there.”

“So it’s a place?”

“Well, that’s part of it, but–“ he narrowed his eyes. “Nice try, but I'm not telling you, Danny.”

Dan scowled. “Call me ‘Danny’ one more time and I’m kicking you out,” he threatened, exercising his bluff. 

Phil tutted his tongue with a shake of his head. “Bossy.”

Once they were done with placing their dishes in the sink and wiping the counters, the two retreated to Dan’s room. 

He wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but something about the familiar room seemed different, breezier. It was as if there were more air in the space, or perhaps the sun was shining in brighter through the dusty panels of his window. Whatever it was didn’t really matter all too much. It was still Dan’s room, still his plain walls and grey bedding. 

“Can I borrow a shirt?” Asked Phil. “Mine’s a bit too heavy for the heat, I think.” 

Dan nodded before digging through his dresser to find a t-shirt for Phil. He finally handed him a black one with white stars around the neck, one that he thought would match Phil’s raven black hair and snow white skin far better than it matched his own slightly tan complexion and brown hair. 

And he was right, of course he was. Phil didn’t only look good, he looked hot. 

“Do I look okay?”

It took a second, but then Dan snapped out of his stupor. He felt his face heat up as he hummed in response to Phil’s question. “Need anything else?” He queried as an attempt to mask how flustered he actually was. 

Phil’s eyes went wide, as if he’d remembered something important. “Oh! Yeah, do you have a sweater I could borrow?”

Dan tilted his head to the side in confusion, brows furrowed. A sweater? Hadn’t he just changed into Dan’s t-shirt in order to avoid the heat? 

“In this heat?”

He nodded, as if it wasn’t ludicrous. “I’m gonna need it for reasons later. You’ll see, I promise.”

“Or you could just tell me now.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

Dan huffed. He wasn’t all too fond of surprises but he supposed, for Phil, he could wait. 

After fetching a light sweater as requested as well as two water bottles which they tossed in a small knapsack, the two headed out on foot into a part of the city that Dan hadn’t been to in years. 

The city was split into more little neighbourhoods and regions than either could count, all with different attributes and specialties that made them unique from one another. Some of them were predominantly populated by Reds, while others with Blues, and some with an equal mix of both. 

Cate’s Coffee Shop was located in one of the main squares of the city along with most of the few grocery store chains and drug marts, so naturally, it was what Dan was accustomed to. 

He didn’t necessarily favour the shiny, metallic sculpts of the surrounding buildings, or the patches of freshly cut and maintained grass surrounding polished homes and condos– but it was his second home. It was where he could go when he needed a mother who wouldn’t pester him about finding a nice girl, or unstable coworkers who wouldn’t care enough to worry about him, which could be a real relief sometimes. 

But this, this was different. This wasn’t the rural and grass covered expanses of Dan’s field, nor was it the rows upon rows of lustrous buildings and pristine pavements. 

This was just . . . Comfortable. Leaning to be more rural than urban, yet still populated and busy enough to be like the bigger areas in the city. 

Dan liked the way the sun felt on his back as he walked through the outskirts of the small community, he liked the way his hand occasionally brushed against the back of Phil’s own. He really liked how things didn’t seem all that tense compared to the first time they’d almost-kissed. This just felt good– a bit taboo, but good. They could talk later. 

“Where are we going now?”

Phil shook his head. It was the third time Dan had asked a question akin to that. “I’m not telling you,” he laughed. 

Dan sighed. 

The small town was becoming more and more populated by the second, people quietly and slowly making their way from small shop to small shop without seeming at all rushed. It was quite the contrast to the main city, and Dan was sure he was in love with it. 

“Okay, we’re here now,” said Phil.

Dan looked up to see they were stopped in front of what looked to be a small bookstore, the front windows quaintly decorated with old novels and antique-looking teddy bears. The outside of the shop radiated nostalgia in a way that nowhere else did, the kind of nostalgia brought forth by sun yellowed lace and knitted sofa throws. 

It made Dan feel inexplicably warmer. 

“A bookstore?” He queried, wide and curios brown eyes meeting Phil’s inviting greyish blue irises. 

The aforementioned gave a small nod before stepping forward and pulling the door open for Dan. It swung open with the single ding of a bell above their heads and suddenly they were immersed in the scent of old pages and strong coffee, shoes stepping over creaky floorboards and making them wail in a welcoming gesture. 

The sound also grabbed the attention of a burly old man sat in a lounger behind what Dan assumed was the cash counter, his arm tattooed with a much more faded version of his own Blue tattoo. The man quickly scanned his eyes over him and Phil before grinning welcomingly. He sat up a bit in his chair, causing something below him to scramble out of the way and up the stairs so fast it made Dan jump. 

“Phil!” Exclaimed the man, making no further effort to move forward. Phil didn’t either. 

“Hey David,” Phil greeted with a smile, waving a hand once. “How’re you?”

The man, David, leaned back again, relaxing. “Quite good, thanks. And you?”

Phil shrugged. His eyes met Dan’s for a quick moment before they focused back on David. “I’m really good.”

“Oh, that’s good! Looking for anything special today?” 

David looked to Dan, too. 

“Nope, just looking around, thanks.”

“Alright, call for me if you need anything.”

Smiling, Phil nodded. He was then pulling Dan further into the bookstore, having grabbed his hand in a split second. Dan followed easily, stumbling a bit as he was rather mesmerized by the raw authenticity of the building. Everything in here felt sacred in its own way. 

Phil dragged him in between two bookshelves where the lighting was dimmer and the exit further away. 

“This place is so interesting,” Dan commented quietly, almost as if in a trance as his eyes skimmed over the hundreds of book spines only in this one aisle. He’d never seen a bookstore quite like this. 

“Never been to bookstore?” Asked Phil, surprised. 

Dan shook his head. “I’ve been to some in the city, but the only books they sell are about weight loss and dead famous people.”

Phil hummed. “You’ve never lived, then.”

Smiling softly, Dan migrated down the aisle to the far end, fingers brushing over ancient book titles. He couldn’t wait to buy some, to take them home and replace those stupid harlequins he didn’t even care for. Gosh, he’d be so happy to spend his paycheck here, and– oh. Fuck. 

His hands instantly moved from the shelf to the back pocket of his black jeans, patting uselessly over the fabric while his heart rate quickened. He’d actually forgotten it, oh gods.

“You alright?” Wondered Phil as he rested his hand against Dan’s elbow. 

Dan shook his head, sighing in disappointment. “No. I forgot my fucking wallet.”

Phil didn’t seem half as concerned as Dan was, merely laughing the situation off. “That’s okay, I’m paying for everything,” he said. 

“No you’re not,” Dan said with furrowed brows. 

“Yes I am. Today is your belated birthday present and it wouldn’t be fair if I took you out and made you pay for everything, would it?”

Dan frowned. “You sure?” 

“Yes, of course I am.”

He wanted to argue further, didn’t want Phil to have to pay anything for him, but he also didn’t want to be rude. If Phil wanted to give him this for his birthday then Dan would accept it, he’d just make sure not to pick out too many books.

“Fine,” he huffed before meeting Phil’s greyish-blue eyes. “Thank you.”

Phil only smiled, then turning to look at his side of the aisle. He seemed just as easily lost in the endless rows of clearly-second-hand novels as Dan was, pulling books out and reading their synopses just as intently as he watched Buffy. 

It actually took Dan by surprise. He hadn’t known Phil was so big on reading before now. He’d always seen him as this super mysterious and exciting guy whose interests stuck to vampire slaying heroines, anti-government social justice, and pyrotechnics. The only time he’d ever seen him read was out of boredom, not actual interest– or so he’d thought, at least. 

Sometimes it was difficult to remember that they hadn’t in fact known one another for years, that it had really only been just over a month.

That seemed crazy to Dan, absolutely insane. If it wasn’t for the fact that he’d counted the weeks, he might actually believe it wasn’t true, that it couldn’t be. He felt as if he knew Phil like the back of his hand, his weaknesses, his strengths, his sense of humour. But in reality, he’d barely seen the tip of the iceberg. 

Sure, he knew Phil, but there was so much more to learn. He couldn’t wait, either. 

After going through most of that bookshelf, Dan moved a few metres to immerse himself in another. None of them were labeled, there was no sci-fi section, no young adult, or mystery. 

He could see the poetry in it, that all books are created equal and hold the same magic. He rather liked that. But in reality, the owner was probably just too lazy or busy to sort them out. He preferred his concept, though. 

They spent nearly an hour and a half exploring the seemingly endless rows upon rows of books, each going their separate ways and only seeing one another a few times throughout their stay. Dan pulled out a few books every once in awhile, reading the summaries and bits of the first chapters before becoming curious and wanting nothing more than to take them all home. But he had no idea how much each book would cost, so he put most of them back, however much to his dismay. 

When Phil came to find him he was carrying one very large book with him, a contrast to Dan’s three small paperbacks. 

“Need anymore time?” He asked. 

Dan shook his head before nodding to Phil’s book. “No, I’m good. What are you getting?”

Phil lifted it so Dan could see the cover. “It’s called ‘It’. Martyn said it was good. You?”

He lifted his own three. 

“That’s all? You can get more, you know,” said Phil. 

Dan thought about all those books he’d put back on the shelves. No, he didn’t need them now. He could come back later in the week and buy them with his own money. 

“No, I’m good. Thanks,” he smiled. 

Phil smiled too, but it looked as though he was hiding something behind it as well. “You go wait for me at the cash, okay? I’ll be there in a second, I just have to grab something.”

He handed his bulky Stephen King novel over to Dan, who accepted it along with his own three before turning to walk in the direction of the cash. The man who’d greeted them earlier was still sat in his lounger, nose buried in a novella Dan was sure was on his own bookshelf at home. 

He lifted his head as Dan approached, offering a kind smile and nod. He picked up a paper bookmark from the table beside him and placed it between the yellowed pages of his book, then placing said book back on the table and standing up.

“You ready to pay?” He asked, eyeing the books in Dan’s arms. 

He shook his head with a kind smile. “Just waiting for Phil, he’s paying,” he explained. 

David nodded. Before either could say anything more, a slender tabby cat hopped up onto the wooden counter, meowing loudly. The cat looked desperately from David to Dan, ears flicking and causing the dark, M shaped pattern on it’s head to ruffle. 

David chuckled, rubbing a hand over the cat’s smooth looking fur. “This is Delilah,” he said softly, rubbing behind her ears. 

Dan cautiously extended his fingers for Delilah to sniff, after which rubbing her head against his hand and purring. 

“She likes you,” David commented. 

Gently rubbing at the spot under her chin, Dan nodded. “She’s beautiful. How old is she?”

David grunted. “I’ve got no idea. Found ‘er on the sidewalk by the shop last year. Didn’t have a home.”

As Delilah collapsed onto the counter with a thud, Phil approached the front area, arms full with about five other books that Dan couldn’t see the cover of. He didn’t look at Dan, only kept his eyes fixed on David as he dropped the paperbacks on the wood beside Delilah. 

She didn’t jump, just leaned further into Dan’s touch. 

But Dan was looking at the covers of those books now, and they were the same dusty novels that he’d picked up with much interest earlier before reluctantly slotting them back on the shelves. How had Phil known? 

“Hey!” He said, giving Phil narrowed eyes and frowning. “Put those back.” Delilah swatted at his hand when he tried to move it away. 

“No, I know you wanted them,” argued Phil. 

Dan felt like stomping his foot on the ground like a toddler or something. He really couldn’t accept this. “But I don’t need them.”

“That’s true, but you want them, I know that, and this is your birthday present. You need to move on from your harlequins and accept my gift,” frowned Phil. 

Sighing, Dan glanced down to a still purring Delilah before meeting Phil’s eyes again. “I hate you.”

“You don’t, actually.” Phil smirked. “But I’m going to take that as a green light and pay now, so it doesn’t really matter.”

Dan continued to pet the soft of Delilah’s fur, scratching behind her ears every few seconds and smiling at the way she purred. He’d quite like to have a cat, he thought. Maybe not, though. He really didn’t want to have to clean a litter box. 

When everything was paid for, the bill being much lower than Dan had thought it would be, the two said their goodbyes to David and Delilah and exited the shop. Dan immediately felt exposed as they were once again in full sunlight as opposed to the comforting dimness of the bookstore. He missed it already and decided he’d have to go back soon. 

Phil dropped all of their books in the mostly empty bottom of Dan’s knapsack before grabbing his hand again and taking off down the street. Dan could feel warmth on his back now, and his chest felt fluttery. He quite enjoyed holding Phil’s hand, liked the way it made his smiles come easier. 

“Phil?” 

The aforementioned hummed. 

“Thank you,” said Dan, instinctively leaning in closer to Phil’s body. 

“My pleasure.” They both smiled. 

“Where to next?” Asked Dan. 

“There’s a restaurant just up there.” Phil pointed up the sidewalk. “It’s Blues only but the manager lets me in anyway as long as I wear a long sleeved shirt so she can’t get shut down.”

“Thus the sweater?”

“Exactly.”

Five minutes later and Phil was wearing Dan’s sweater, looking better in it than Dan probably ever would as he held the door to a quaint looking restaurant open. 

Upon entering, Phil led him towards a booth off to the side. They sat on opposite sides of the table, which was odd seeing as they were usually beside each other. He knew it was silly, but Dan almost missed Phil’s presence at his side.

On the table stood a little ‘Blues only’ sign, the same kind that Dan had to lay out every day at the café. He wondered if the workers here hated it as much as he did. 

“Good afternoon, Phil!” Spoke a cheery looking waitress as she approached their table with a notepad tucked under her arm. She seemed to look over his covered arm for a moment before looking back up with a bright smile. She knew, then. 

Phil grinned in return. “Hey Emily! How’re you?” 

“Very good, thank you. Yourself?”

“I’m really good, too.” Phil glanced at Dan for a moment. “This is my friend, Dan, by the way.”

Dan gave a small wave and a shy smile in Emily’s direction, a gesture which she returned to only a slightly lesser degree. “Hey, it’s nice to meet you,” he spoke.

Emily nodded. “And you as well.”

She then took their orders before turning around with a bright smile and some suspiciously flirty eyes in Phil’s direction. Dan passed it off, he didn’t need to be jealous right now. 

She came back with their food not ten minutes later, a genuine smile seemingly only in place for Phil. Fine then, she could be that way. 

Dan wracked his brain for something to say to break their silence. He didn’t like eating in the quiet, it felt tense regardless of whether the situation was or wasn’t. “Aren’t you supposed to be doing that thing with Pj today?” He asked suddenly when he remembered Phil had arranged to start another fire with the latter for today. He didn’t dare say anything directly about the fires out loud, though. That would be a recipe for disaster, especially in a public place like this. 

Phil swallowed a bit of his hamburger before shaking his head. “No, I took a rain check for you.”

“Oh, well thank you.” Dan could feel a blush creeping up his neck. Why did a simple ‘for you’ at the end of a sentence have to make him so utterly flustered? 

He shrugged. “It was an easy call. I like spending time with you more than I like–“ he paused, remembering where he was. “–Doing those things with Pj.”

Dan was absolutely flattered, he really was, and he’d probably be at a loss for words at the moment if it weren’t for Phil’s wording making him fight back the urge to laugh. “That sounded like an innuendo,” he laughed quietly. 

Phil chuckled. “Shut up! You know what I mean.” He kicked at Dan’s leg under the table, who in turn did the exact same right back at him. 

A few minutes passed and Dan let his eyes wander around the restaurant. It was small but welcoming, the colours dull yet warm as well. There was a nearly childish seeming white trim around all the walls, the window sills painted a bright yellow that for whatever reason made Dan feel a bit happier. 

“I think Aaron would’ve liked this place,” he decided, nodding to himself. 

Phil leaned forward a bit over the tabletop. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “It’s the kind of place he’d go to do homework after school or something.”

Phil’s greyish-blue eyes seemed to be searching Dan’s own for something in particular, but Dan wasn’t sure if he found it. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Phil asked tentatively. 

Dan nodded. He had a feeling it would be about Aaron now that’s he’d brought him up, much to his own surprise, but he was sure he’d be okay. It wasn’t so scary when Phil understood. 

“If you . . . If you could see your brother again, like as an adult, do you think you would?” He queried with genuinely curious eyes. “You don’t have to answer,” he added. 

Shaking his head, Dan looked down to his plate. “No, no it’s okay.” He paused, thinking. The answer was obvious, wasn’t it? Of course he’d want to see him. But what if he was someone Dan didn’t like? Knowing Aaron for as far as he’d made it, Dan would probably have loved him no matter what. He was his brother, his family. So yeah, he’d want to see him. “Yeah, I would.” He looked up. “Why?”

Phil cleared his throat as if to cover something up, whatever it was. “Just something I was thinking about, I dunno.” He shrugged, offering a sweet smile which Dan couldn’t help but return. “Did I overstep our bounds at all?”

Dan held back a grin. “No, Aaron isn’t off limits with you.”

“He is for other people?”

“My parents and anyone who won’t care.”

Phil frowned. “They’d be stupid not to care. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.” Phil was teaching him that. 

—

An hour later as they left the restaurant, afternoon sun beating down unbearably on their backs, Dan and Phil were making their way back home– well, to the former’s home. 

They were holding hands like before, only this time it was Dan who’d taken the leap of courage and slipped his fingers between Phil’s. It was strange how much the little action made his heart swell. It felt easier now, more natural than it had when they’d been unsure of what they were to each other. They still were –unsure, that is, but that kiss they’d shared early that morning had cemented something in place, something that held at least a little bit of promise. 

Dan still wasn’t exactly sure where they stood, but he had a pretty damn good idea of where he wanted this to go. Now all he had to do was learn how Phil felt in return. 

He could feel it in his stomach, though; something lovely was going to come of this. 

He bumped his shoulder gently against Phil’s as they strolled slowly down the sidewalk, smiling to himself as Phil did the same. There weren’t nearly as many people on the streets now as there had been before, save for the odd lone walker or busy mother passing by. 

The sun was hot, crickets singing in the afternoon air and making Dan feel at home in a strange sense. There weren’t many clouds in the sky, though plenty of birds. He didn’t know what they were doing up there at this time, but he didn’t mind their sporadic chirping. It was calming, everything about it was. 

It was only when he spotted a familiar face exiting a nearby shop that Dan’s eyes widened in surprise and he quickly pulled Phil behind the brick wall of some random store. 

“What is it?” Phil asked, laughing quietly. 

From squished beside him and closer to the brick wall’s edge, Dan placed a finger to his lips before whispering: “I just saw my dad.”

Phil chuckled, raising his eyebrows in amusement. “Am I not allowed to meet him?”

Dan shook his head firmly. “Nope. He’ll tell my mum and she won’t stop asking about you until I’ve told her absolutely everything. And I do mean everything.”

The former nodded. “Best to stay over here, then.”

Dan agreed silently. He was about to peek his head over the side to see if his dad was still around, but he figured that probably wouldn’t be the grandest idea. He’d make Phil do it instead. 

“Lean over and see if he’s still there?” He begged quietly. 

“What’s he look like?”

“Salt and pepper hair, short beard, red shirt– I think.”

“Okay.” Phil stepped over a bit so he was stood directly in front of Dan before leaning over that extra bit for a few long moments. “He went into the grocery store,” he announced, leaning back behind the wall. 

Dan was sure that neither had intended to wind up so close, Phil’s chest nearly pressed to Dan’s and his feet bracketed on either side of his. Sandwiched between Phil and the brick wall, Dan actually felt quite protected, quite safe. Like he was hidden away in his own little world with only Phil, like time was perhaps frozen for now. 

Phil slowly moved his warm hand to rest at Dan’s side, his eyes silently asking if it was alright and Dan’s own giving him his answer. 

“Can I kiss you again?” Phil asked slowly, his voice soft and quiet, caring. 

Dan felt a bit lost in those greyish eyes, like cold oceans swallowing him whole. He could swim in those oceans, he thought– perhaps even drown in them. 

He was nodding before he could overthink it too much, not even getting so much as a ‘yes’ out before Phil was tentatively leaning forward and fitting his lips between Dan’s. The latter’s hand moved up between them until it was cupping the side of Phil’s jaw, touches soft and gentle. 

Dan didn’t care about his father anymore, or the too warm weather making his clothes feel too heavy. All he could bring himself to care about was his lips moving against Phil’s and the aforementioned’s hand on his waist, drawing him impossibly closer. 

He could feel himself melting between the wall and Phil’s body, his head a bit dizzy and his knees a bit weak. It was a wonder he hadn’t already fallen to the tarmac ground, really. 

When the two broke apart it was solely because of the too-persistent-to-contain grins occupying their lips and making it nearly impossible to go on properly. 

“Phil?” Murmured Dan, already lost once again in those greyish oceans. 

Phil hummed. 

“You don’t have to ask to kiss me,” he said, nearly a whisper at the end. “Or to hold my hand, or touch me.”

“Okay, you don’t have to ask either.”

“‘Kay.”

They stayed there for a few moments more, comfortable silence filling the warm air as they caught their breath and along with it their thoughts. Dan couldn’t believe this was happening to someone like him. He was actually coming down from the high of kissing the one person he’d never thought in a million years that he would have kissed. 

He could handle holding hands as they walked, or hugging when it felt right, but kissing him for the second time was nearly too much for his brain to comprehend. Things were actually beginning to go well for him, and it just might’ve been the first time in more than ten years that that’d occurred. 

“Should we get out of the alley before it gets dark?” Phil asked. 

Dan chuckled in response, playfully pushing Phil’s chest away and causing the Red to stumble a bit with a dopey grin. “Yeah, let’s go. We have books to read and stuff to do.”

“Stuff?” Questioned Phil.

“Yes, stuff.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated and I hope you have a lovely day <3


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one’s a bit short, sorry about that. Enjoy, though.

As it turned out, ‘stuff’ had meant a lot of making out against the kitchen counter in Dan’s house once they’d arrived home. It was overwhelming, and new, and a bit scary as Dan really hadn’t properly kissed someone in years, but it was perfect, regardless. 

Phil had gone home that night with his Stephen King novel and the certainty that Dan wanted this to go somewhere. He didn’t want to be just friends anymore, but he supposed they’d delve into the details later. Needless to say, he was a bit of a procrastinator. 

Despite the happiness bubbling inside him at all times since their shared affection, Dan hadn’t said a single thing about the kiss to Cate all of Thursday. When she’d asked about what she was sure was their date –and really, she wasn’t wrong– he’d given her short and safe answers, which had of course lead her to believe that it had gone absolutely horribly and Dan just didn’t want to talk about it. 

He’d been quick to tell her that no, things had gone perfectly, that their little excursion had been absolutely lovely in every sense of the word. 

The real reason he hadn’t told her about it yet, though, was that he was scared if he said it out loud then he might be assaulted with the cold realization that it was all merely a dream. He was pretty certain it was real, that he and Phil had done more than just hold hands the day prior, but admitting to it felt like jinxing it. He didn’t want to lose this thing in his life that might actually be good for once, didn’t want to even bother risking it. If he could still feel the ghost sensation of Phil’s lips on his tomorrow then he’d tell her, but he was opting to play it safe for now.

He really had been absolutely dying to tell Cate just how wonderfully perfect their kiss had been, though, so when he woke up the next morning and was still certain he hadn’t imagined it, it wasn’t long before he’d spilled his guts to Cate. 

“You hit it off with Phil and you didn’t tell me sooner?” Cate asked, sounding a tad bit offended and the slightest bit amused. She placed her hands on her hips, the long fabric of her skirt swaying a bit. 

Dan smiled sheepishly, leaning back against his chair. They were in the staff room as surprisingly enough, both Jenni and Ted had actually showed up to work that day and were currently out covering their registers. 

“Sorry, I wasn’t sure I hadn’t dreamt it!”

Cate tutted her tongue loudly, shaking her head. “Excuses, excuses.” She paused, seeming only interested now. “So when are you going to see him again?”

Dan shrugged. They hadn’t planned much specifics as to when their next rendezvous would be, but Phil had given Dan his apartment phone number. That was a good sign, right? “Dunno, I’ve got his number, though.”

“Call him!”

Eyebrows furrowed, Dan frowned. Regardless, he could feel his heartbeat quicken at the idea of speaking to Phil again. It would be the first time he’d hear the latter’s voice through the speaker, and it always sounded different that way. He didn’t even care if that was weird, he was just curious. 

“Now?” He asked.

Cate rolled her eyes. “Yes,” she clarified, following it up with a sigh. “You’re quite thick sometimes, Howell.”

Yeah, he knew that. 

Stepping away, Cate grabbed the landline phone for Dan to use. She really was serious about calling him now, wasn’t she? 

He lifted the phone anyway, dialling the number which was still inked into the skin of his forearm in black sharpie. He kind of hoped it wouldn’t ever wash off. As he waited for someone to pick up nervously, he twirled the spiralled cord around his finger and eyed Cate desperately. Why had she made him do this? Gods, if this went awkwardly he’d have to hide her lipstick. All of it. 

“Hello?” Answered a voice that definitely wasn’t Phil. Martyn. 

Dan forced a smile that he knew Martyn couldn’t see. “Hey Martyn, it’s Dan.”

“Oh. Hey, Dan.”

“Hi. Is Phil there?” He asked politely. He still wasn’t exactly sure where he stood with Martyn. 

Through the crackly line he heard Martyn calling for his little brother before Phil suddenly was answering, himself. 

“Moshi moshi.”

Dan chuckled. “Hi Phil.” He could feel the smile in his voice. 

“Dan! What’s up?” 

“I was wondering if you wanted to do something soon,” he said, glancing nervously at Cate. She gave him an encouraging thumbs up, grinning. 

Phil didn’t miss a heartbeat in answering. “Of course I do. How’s tomorrow work for you?” 

Smiling into the receiver, Dan nodded. Sending a thumbs up back to his boss. “Yeah, that’s perfect!” Maybe he said that I little too quickly. “My house?” He asked, this time slower. He didn’t want to seem too desperate. 

“Yeah, that’s good. What time?”

“Whenever, I dont mind.”

After agreeing and excusing himself with a laugh, Phil hung up. He had apparently been in the middle of cleaning the house with his brother when Dan had called, so he let him go.

“So . . . ?”

“We’re meeting tomorrow, now leave me alone. I’m going back to my station.”

Cate laughed, jumping up after him and grabbing his arm. “Not before you tell me everything about yesterday!”

—

Dan woke up late on Saturday morning, pure laziness the only thing buzzing through his veins. He really didn’t want to get up, so he decided it wouldn’t hurt to remain under the covers for a while. 

What he’d told himself would only be thirty minutes soon turned into two hours, his laptop resting open on his lap as he read through articles on the subject of religion. They didn’t really have that anymore, at least not in an organized manner. His palms were beginning to feel uncomfortably sweaty and his stomach was growling every few seconds, so with a huff Dan pushed himself up off the mattress and made his way into the kitchen. 

He made a sandwich. It was the first one he’d had in a while and he’d had to pick a small bit of mold off the bread he’d used, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t want to have to go shopping again. 

Before going to sit back down over the covers of his bed, Dan poured himself a glass of water and made sure the sliding glass door was open in case Phil might show up when he was still in his room. He was a bit too lazy to actually get up and let him in.

Regardless, he was genuinely excited to see him again today. He wasn’t exactly sure what they were to each other now, but he was pretty sure it wasn’t just ‘friends’ anymore. That really was rather scary, but so, so exciting too. He liked the feeling of Phil’s hand in his, of his breath so close to Dan’s mouth that he could feel its warmth on his lips. Dan really wanted to kiss Phil again, he had to. 

So he got dressed, put on some deodorant, and brushed his teeth before settling back beneath his laptop. He only looked at it for a few moments, though, before shutting it down and digging through the knapsack at the end of his bed for one of the books Phil had bought him on Wednesday. 

The one he brought to the headboard with him was called ‘Where The Heart Is’, and the back synopsis said it was about a woman named Novalee who became pregnant and stranded in an American Walmart. He didn’t really know what that last part meant, but he knew a little bit about America. It was the place where things had first started to fall apart all those years before he’d been born. His grandma had told him it was dusty, and full of ruthless people; not worth seeing. 

He didn’t know much about the way things were back then, how the world was divided, but he did know that it was flawed and had led to what his grandparents had described briefly as a “horrendous downfall”. They didn’t teach about it in school, so Dan knew not to ask about it too much. 

Regardless, he was excited to read about this woman’s story, interested in learning about Walmart and America and a world that existed nearly sixty-seven years ago. 

It was a few hours later when Dan heard the glass door slide open, footsteps following. He was too immersed in his book to care, though. 

“Dan?” Called Phil from somewhere in the house. 

Dan didn’t look up from the page. “In my room!”

Phil walked in a few seconds later, not hesitating one bit to sit against Dan’s headboard like the aforementioned. Their sides pressed together, Phil tilted his head to not-so-discreetly read over Dan’s shoulder. They were both silent for a few moments more before Phil spoke. 

“What’s it about?” 

Dan looked up, surprised by how close Phil’s face was to his own. “This girl who ends up pregnant and abandoned at a . . .” He looked down to his page. “Walmart in America. I don’t understand half of what they’re talking about, but I like it.”

Phil nodded, though it was only a few seconds more before he was grabbing the novel from Dan’s grasp and dog-earing the page for him, tossing it to the end of the bed.

“Hey!” Exclaimed Dan as he reached for it. But Phil was too quick, pushing it off the bed and onto the floor. Dan gave up then, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back against the headboard. “Why’d you do that?”

“I want you to pay attention to me,” Phil explained.

Dan tilted his chin up to look at him. “Rude.” He could feel himself fighting a smile, regardless. 

Grinning, Phil scoffed. “Says the one who invited me here.”

“Yeah, well you still threw my book.”

Phil didn’t say anything further. He was just looking at Dan as though he could see right through him and yet couldn’t see him at all, like he was a puzzle or something of the like. “I’m gonna kiss you now, ‘kay?” 

He nodded, leaning forward that little bit to connect their lips and slip his arm behind Phil’s back, pulling him closer. The second they began kissing, Dan couldn’t really think about anything that wasn’t overwhelmingly Phil anymore; his mouth, his eyes, his hands, his everything. 

And then there was the still shocking fact that this was real, that it was actually happening to someone like Dan Howell, who was probably the least deserving person there could be. That part just made him smile, which wasn’t the best as he really didn’t want to stop kissing Phil, but he couldn’t complain in the least bit. So when they both pulled away, grinning like fools at even the prospect of what was happening just moments ago, Dan wondered if that feeling would go away anytime soon. He didn’t think so, couldn’t imagine how that could possibly happen. 

“Wanna go out to the field?” Phil asked, voice just above a whisper. 

Dan hummed, forcing himself to move away and sit up fully despite wanting to stay so close to Phil. “Picnic?”

“Yeah.”

Phil sat up as well and Dan leaned in to kiss him once more, and then they were heading into the kitchen and putting together a picnic of what was mostly ribena, crackers, and some interesting looking dip that Dan had picked up last time he’d gone grocery shopping. It wasn’t much, and it was probably a sign that he needed to go buy food again, but neither seemed to be complaining. 

Telling Phil to wait by the door, Dan went to grab his picnic blanket from the lounge before leading the latter outside. Luckily the weather wasn’t too hot or muggy, only a bit warm– definitely tolerable. With Phil’s arms stuffed with their food and drinks and Dan’s own occupied by the blanket, neither really held the capability to push the tall grass away as they made their way into Dan’s small clearing. It meant they both got whacked in the chest with grass more than either would’ve liked, but Phil was laughing it off before Dan could apologize. 

He laid the blanket out over the ground in the exact spot he always did, flattening out the ruffles and sitting down. Phil followed, dropping their things in his lap as he did. 

“Do you remember the first night we saw each other?” Dan asked, preoccupied with pouring them both glasses of ribena. 

Phil chuckled a bit. “Yeah, but I’m still not exactly sure why you let a complete stranger go stargazing with you. I could’ve, like, set you on fire or something.”

“I don’t know either,” Dan laughed. He passed Phil his drink and took a sip of his own. “I do stupid things when it’s late.”

Phil was silent a moment. “But not always, right?”

Oh. Dan was pretty certain Phil meant their first kiss, and he really did want him to know that he didn’t regret that in the least bit. That wasn’t stupid, or it at least hasn’t proved to be stupid yet. He hoped it never would. “Not always.”

“Good.”

Quite a bit of time passed, mostly spent eating slightly stale crackers and talking about whatever popped into either’s head. At one point, Phil brought up the subject of childhood pets, which of course sent Dan on a whole tangent about how badly he’d always wanted a dog as a child and how his mum had always said no. She was more of a bird person, she’d always said. 

Dan never understood how that made sense either, though, because they never ended up with a pet bird either. 

That brought Phil to the subject of Martyn’s fascination with exotic animals when he was younger, how he begged and begged his parents to take him to the jungle for each birthday until he finally realized that jungles only existed in picture books now. Phil said it rather ruined most of his brother’s innocence, was what made him eager to get out of this city and help others do the same. 

Dan thought it was sad, to say the least, but noble as well. He hoped that he could one day turn his own disappointment and anger into something good. 

He was dancing around the idea of bringing up Aaron, of telling Phil the few memories he held extra close to his heart. Not even his mum or Cate knew some of them, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted anyone else to know. But then again, Phil wasn’t anyone else; he was special. So maybe that made it okay. 

Still, he wasn’t ready just yet. Maybe he would be in half an hour, maybe in a month. He didn’t know when it would happen, but he knew he wanted Phil to adore his little brother as much as Dan did. 

But perhaps not yet, so he asked about Martyn’s girlfriend instead. 

“Her names Cornelia,” said Phil. “She’s a bit older than Martyn and a lot more mature in the long run, but they’re perfect for each other, really. He’d probably be intolerable without Corn.”

Dan thought back to their conversation a few weeks back, nodding. “And I’ll get to meet her one day?”

Phil hummed. “Yes, definitely. I think she’s really going to like you.”

“I hope so,” laughed Dan, smiling. “I crave validation.”

Phil smiled back. “Don’t we all.” He then shifted forwards a bit so that his knees were nearly in contact with Dan’s, leaning his weight on his palms behind himself. 

The aforementioned ran a hand through the slightly tangled curls of his hair with a sigh, leaning back as well. The warm atmosphere was beginning to intensify with time, and Dan could feel beads of sweat forming at his hairline. He didn’t understand why summers always had to be so damn hot in this city. 

After another twenty minutes passed with the assistance of Phil describing his own book in crazy detail, Dan decided it was too hot outside. He wanted to go back into the house where he had air conditioning and cold water. 

When he brought this up to Phil, for a split second the latter looked a bit panicky, a bit worried. He laughed his own awkwardness off, reaching an arm up to scratch behind his neck. Right, Dan thought, not suspicious at all. 

“You okay?” 

Phil was quick to nod, dropping his hand back to his lap. He suddenly seemed very . . . off. “Yeah, of course! Can we stay out here a little while longer?”

Eyebrows furrowed, Dan cocked his head to the side. “Aren’t you too hot?” He ignored the obvious innuendo in favour of finding out why the fuck Phil was acting so strange. 

“Yeah, but–“ Phil bit his lip, avoiding eye contact. “But I need to tell you something while we’re out here so if you get mad I can run.”

Normally Dan would’ve laughed, or poked fun at him, but the way Phil’s eyes held what might actually have been legitimate fear as he laughed nervously caused him to believe that maybe he had a reason to be worried. 

He sat up straighter, giving Phil eyes he was sure portrayed just how impossibly confused he was. “Why do you look serious?”

Phil paused, looking up at Dan. The aforementioned could see his right hand tapping lightly and quickly at the blanket beside him. It was now safe to say that his anxiety was really rubbing off on Dan. 

“Because I am,” Phil stated. When Dan didn’t answer, was too scared to answer, he continued, this time looking down at his lap. “Do you, um, remember when I asked you that question about Aaron a few days ago?” 

Dan felt his chest seize up a moment before he forced himself to relax again. “If I’d want to see him now if he was alive.” It hurt him to say the last part. 

Phil nodded. He looked up. “And you said yes.”

“I said yes.”

Keeping his greyish-blue eyes glued to Dan’s own for longer than Dan knew was a good sign, Phil gripped at his own thigh. 

“Well I’m not sure he’s actually dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated and I hope you have a lovely day <3


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER I WILL POST BEFORE MY DECEMBER LONG HIATUS. CHAPTER 21 WILL BE POSTED IN EARLY JANUARY.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ !!!
> 
> Hey guys !! Thank you all so much for sticking with me so far, I really can’t express how much your support means to me. If you’ve read the chapter summary (not much of a summary, I know) then you’ll know that this is the last chapter I’ll be posting before my mini hiatus. As I have a bunch of time off in December I’ll be focusing on my writing (without posting) and then I’ll be posting four pre-written chapters throughout January as that’s my exam season and there’s no way I’ll be able to write as much as I’d like. I figure going about it this way will ensure I’m a lot less stressed than I would be otherwise, so I hope you guys can stick around with me long enough to see chapter 21. 
> 
> If you have any questions, feel free to send an ask on my tumblr, @ordanary, or leave a comment on this chapter and I’ll be sure to respond ASAP. 
> 
> This chapter is a whopping 8.1k words and is absolutely full of emotion. Just be warned, there is some very brief mentions of a suicide attempt near the end. If you can think of anything else, please let me know via tumblr or comment. 
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoy and wish you a lovely December.

It was strange, Dan thought, how in a split second everything could freeze in place, like time itself had been injected with Novocaine. The world would stop spinning, oxygen would cease its flow of supply, feeling would abandon still fingertips; and all at the snap of a finger. A glance, a poorly timed action, a sentence that no one should ever have to hear after so long. 

Everything was still. Tortured golden brown eyes met desperate grey ocean ones. Breath halted, making chests feel tight and lungs seem stolen. Everything was frozen in place.

And then the Novacaine wore off. 

“You can’t say that to me,” said Dan, voice so quiet and so hurt, so full of angst and disbelief. “You can’t just do that.”

He’d been there before, lived the first year after Aaron’s death thinking that there was no way possible that he could actually be gone. Hell, he’d only fully pulled himself out of that hole recently. Phil had helped him do that, was helping him move on. 

So then why did he have to do this now? Why couldn’t he just leave it be and let him rest? Dan didn’t know if it was some form of bullshit second-hand grief that was causing Phil to grasp for straws, to believe Dan’s grief was all for nothing. He’d gone through it himself, doubted so many times that any of it was real and not just some fever dream his mind had cooked up; that perhaps he’d wake up as his fourteen year old self in a few seconds and all of it would’ve just been a nightmare. 

But he knew that wasn’t the case, he knew it. He’d learnt to accept the truth and fucking live with it. Why couldn’t Phil just do the same? This wasn’t even his internal battle to fight, nor was it his right to propose something Dan knew very well would only send him down another void-bound spiral when he re-accepted the truth. His little brother was dead, not even Phil Lester could change that.

He couldn’t stop staring at Phil though as the latter seemed to be searching for words to say, possibly something to back his outrageous statement that wouldn’t make Dan want to beat at his chest until his fists were numb like his mind just minutes ago. 

Without realizing it was happening, Dan began to lean forward against his will, only catching himself as his hand pressed against the blanketed ground instinctively, saving him from pain and humiliation. That wasn’t really his concern right now, though. He sat up. 

“Dan, I swear to whatever power’s up there that I’m not joking. I don’t think he’s dead.”

Was it so hard to let the dead stay dead? Was it so difficult not to stir settled earth? 

He was shaking his head before he could think of something adequate to respond with, eyes showing nothing but betrayal as he stared on at the half-insane Red sat before him. He could feel his hands tightening to fists at his sides, his spine beginning to stiffen. 

“No, Phil. He’s dead. He’s been dead for twelve years and–“ Dan took a moment to attempt composing his shaky voice. “–and he’s not coming back.” He took a deep breath, shutting his eyes tightly to stop any runaway tears before reopening them. His whimperish voice soon betrayed all of his hard work. “Please don’t bring this back for me.”

Phil looked so hurt, so pained, like he was fighting two separate sides of a war inside his head. Dan wasn’t sure which one of those sides he wanted to win. 

“Please hear me out, I think he’s–“

“Just stop! Okay? He’s dead! Aaron’s dead and you can’t bring him back!” He was going to cry now, he knew it. Whether it be from frustration or emotional trauma, it was going to happen if Phil didn’t just let it go and make him forget about it somehow. 

Times like these made Dan wish he kept more than wine in the cupboards. 

It was Phil who shook his head this time, his with more finality than Dan’s. “No, Dan. You don’t have to care, but at least listen. I think I found his Yellow transformation folder.”

At that, Dan felt his heart stutter. 

“The name says Aaron Howell,” Phil continued as Dan remained completely silent and unmoving. He couldn’t move. “And the reason for admittance to the outside was an attempted suicide at age eleven.” He paused, reaching out a more than tentative hand to rest on Dan’s knee. The latter still couldn’t move, couldn’t even decide whether he wanted it there or not. “I only found it on Tuesday, so I really haven’t looked it over completely, but all I’m asking is that you look at the picture– because it might be your little brother.”

Dan couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t fucking breathe. No, this wasn’t happening. He hadn’t just lived twelve years of his life grieving the death of Aaron when there was a possibility he was still alive outside the city. No way. For his own safety he couldn’t let himself believe that. 

He could feel himself beginning to slip, could feel his bones start to weaken and his heart begin to flutter. This wasn’t real, right? He was going to wake up and call over Phil, tell him about his terrible dream and be held. Phil would reassure him that he’d never do something like that to him. They’d go make breakfast in the kitchen, play cards on the sofa. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t real. No, no, no. 

“Dan, stop, please,” said Phil, his voice the only thing in Dan’s current state that wasn’t too shaky to be real. Phil reached across the space separating them and pulled Dan’s arm towards him with a gentle tug. 

Only then did the aforementioned realize how tightly he’d been pinching the skin of his right forearm between his mostly numb fingers. He looked down. The skin was going to bruise, he thought. 

“Sorry,” he spoke, just barely above a whisper. He couldn’t seem to meet Phil’s eyes anymore without feeling the overwhelming rush of all hope, disappointment, rage, happiness, and most importantly: fear. 

His left hand was still being held in Phil’s right hand as if it was made of glass, as though it would shatter if he turned it the wrong way or moved too quickly. 

“I know you probably hate me right now.” 

Dan couldn’t even bring himself to nod. 

“But all I’m asking is that you come back to mine and you look at that file. If we go now and it’s not him then you can hit me and scream at me and hate me and leave before it gets too dark. But if I’m right; if Aaron is still alive, then you can stay the night.”

“Why would I want to stay the night?” Asked Dan, just as quiet as before. His gaze still hadn’t shifted from his free arm. 

Phil was silent a moment before Dan felt a minute squeeze at his palm. “Because if he’s alive then I don’t want you to deal with that by yourself. You can stay the night and we’ll see about seeing him tomorrow–“

“If he’s alive,” Dan corrected him. “But he won’t be.”

“You don’t know that yet,” insisted Phil, finally causing Dan to look up again. “He might not be, and I could be unforgivably wrong, but so could you. The government lies to families for a reason. Their whole game is telling people their mentally ill loved ones are dead when they really aren’t. I know that and you know that, so give me the benefit of the doubt here and let’s go. Please, Dan.”

Tears were definitely welling up in his eyes now, and before Dan knew it he was a mess. Finally letting it all out; all the fear, resentment, anger, hope, gratuity. It was all out in the open as Dan sat cross legged on a picnic blanket in his field, left hand squeezing Phil’s so hard he was terrified the later would pull it away. 

Gods, he wanted Aaron to be alive to badly, was so desperate for this one little favour the heavens might call in for him. It was really all he wanted in this world, all he’d wanted for the past decade of his life. He just wanted his little brother back. He just wanted to feel whole again, like there wasn’t some vital piece of him missing any longer. 

Phil didn’t try to touch him beyond squeezing his hand, and for that Dan was thankful. He didn’t want to be crowded in and constricted when for the first time in years he was really, truly allowing himself to express this wave of emotion so freely. 

These tears felt so different from his last. He wasn’t crying out of guilt, loss, or sadness for Aaron, but instead out of a mixture of muted hope, fear, and desire to have him back. He just wanted to hug him, told his little brother tightly until he really felt like he was real again. 

But he couldn’t deny the terror that this might not be a possibility. While the folder Phil had described sounded promising, he didn’t know if this was real. He didn’t know that Aaron was alive and living healthy beyond the city walls, didn’t even know if seeing him would be possible if he was. That hurt, it hurt a lot. 

With one last powerful sob, though, he came to the conclusion that it would hurt so much more to never know. 

And then he was nodding, more sure and frantic than he’d ever before. “I wanna go now,” he choked, breathing difficult and just barely manageable as tears blurred his vision of the Red before him. “Please,” he begged, lifting his free hand to swipe at his teary cheeks. It didn’t do much, but it made him feel slightly more composed. 

Phil leaned forward on his knees in a flash, or maybe Dan was just too out of it to sense the motion in full. He placed his hand at the back of Dan’s hair and pulled him that little bit closer to press a gentle kiss to his forehead, his lips lingering a moment. Dan leaned into the touch, trying his best to calm down his teary eyes and hyperventilating state. 

“You’re going to be okay no matter what happens.”

Dan nodded, but he didn’t know if that was the truth. He wasn’t quite sure how he’d go back to living like usual after allowing himself to believe something like this was a possibility for even a second. 

“Okay,” he breathed. 

Phil helped him to unsteady feet, releasing his hand and leaving Dan to wrap his arms around his middle instead. 

“I’ll go put all this stuff away, I know where it all goes. You stay here, yeah?”

Fingers digging into the flesh of his own sides, Dan nodded. 

Phil was gone only a few short minutes before he returned to the field, grabbing Dan by the hand and slowly leading him back out towards Rougensdale. Dan’s breathing was finally starting to slow back to its normal rhythm once more, all steady save for the odd stutter of his tired lungs. He’d be fine, he thought to himself. Everything would be fine.

He grasped Phil’s hand tighter, though, just in case. 

They were still making their way through the fairly populated streets of Phil’s community when the aforementioned spoke, leaning in so only Dan would hear. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “If this isn’t real then I’m sorry for getting your hopes up.” Phil paused, waiting a few moments before continuing. “And if it is real then I’m sorry for making you worry. I’m sorry that you’ve had to go years thinking he was gone.”

Dan didn’t want to answer that part. He thought it might make him cry again. “How long have you known this was a possibility?” He asked instead. 

“I didn’t even think of it until right before your birthday. And then I was going through some old government official files for Martyn and I came across his file. I should’ve told you sooner, I’m so sorry, Dan.”

He gave a small nod. It was all he had to offer right now. Everything else felt numb. 

They made it to the apartment in good time, still while the sun was shining and everything else about the universe felt progressive. Dan felt a bit trapped though. The giant ball of anxieties in his chest only grew as he was sat down on the Lester brothers’ sofa and told to sit tight. Martyn had greeted him briefly before heading into what Dan knew as the hidden file room, but he didn’t respond. It probably seemed rude, but Dan didn’t care right now. He’d care again later. 

Phil came back five minutes later with a rather thin looking file in his hand, the front cover out of Dan’s view. 

“Are you ready?” He asked, his voice unsure and full of concern. 

He should be concerned, thought Dan. He’d just caused him to go through the however many stages of reverse-grief in just over an hour. 

Dan nodded, tapping his foot rapidly against the carpeted floor as Phil placed the unopened file on the coffee table before him. 

At first Dan made absolutely no move to open it, let alone even reach for it. Instead he stared, nervousness and fear of life altering disappointment slowly eating away at his insides. 

Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea that he look, he wondered. Maybe he should just leave it be. He’d survived over ten years dealing with the fact that his baby brother was dead. The prospect that that might not be fact anymore was making his stomach twist. This was a bad idea, it had to be.

“Do I have to?” He questioned, tilting his head up to look at a still-standing Phil. His eyes darted between him and Martyn who was stood over in the corner, silent and observant as always. 

“Open it?” Phil clarified. 

Dan nodded. “Why can’t we just let him stay dead?” He asked, tone a bit desperate, pleading. 

It was then that Phil moved to sit down on the terribly uncomfortable sofa beside him, pressing shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh. Dan wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted to or if the sofa was merely pooling their weight together in the centre, but he found comfort in the touch either way. 

“Because if he turns out to be alive outside the city and you only find out five years from now you’re going to absolutely hate yourself for never looking in that file. If it isn’t him and I’ve gotten you upset for no reason then you can hate me all you want, Dan. But I can’t let you hate yourself.”

Dan kept his head down for a second, ran a sweaty palm through his already messy hair, and reluctantly reached his other out to flip the folder. 

The second he saw the cover he was hit with another wave of emotion, just the sight of Aaron’s name on one of these little paper hope providers. However he wasn’t going to allow himself to cry again until he knew for sure this was his Aaron, his brother. 

Biting his lip so hard he was sure he’d draw blood eventually, Dan pushed past the wall of uncertainty and turned the folder so it laid open on the coffee table. 

And suddenly he was crying again, face scrunching up in a way that he knew wasn’t pretty. It didn’t matter though as he burried it in his palms, chest heaving and legs beginning to feel as though they were made purely of jelly. 

There was a hand rubbing at his back, a grumble of unintelligible words from Martyn, and then another arm wrapping around his middle, pulling him in close. 

Dan didn’t hate Phil anymore, didn’t want to beat his hands against his chest or scream at him until his lungs gave out. He just wanted to be held, wrapped in arms he knew he could trust after seeing his then-eleven year old brother’s scared little face in the photo attached to his file. 

He was alive, he was alive, he was alive. Aaron wasn’t dead. 

“Is it him?” Phil asked, sounding more interested and desperate for an answer than Dan would’ve imagined. He nodded through the tears, leaning his weight against Phil in response. 

He cried for a while after that, finally feeling something other than loss when he thought about his brother. It was emotional, and exhausting, and definitely a quick escalation from the easy chatter of their picnic earlier that afternoon. 

Dan spent the rest of the day hunched over on Phil’s couch, obsessing over Aaron’s file and taking in every detail of his write-up for hours until his back began to hurt and Phil brought him the food his stomach was calling loudly for. He’d been too immersed in the papers to notice that, though. 

Phil and Martin has been busy most of the afternoon making phone calls with Cornelia and her team in an attempt to find Aaron and bring him to the gates tomorrow, a feat which Phil explained to him would be difficult to achieve and might not even happen. Dan really appreciated the effort they were putting into finding him though, and he made sure to tell them both that at every chance he got.

By the time the evening rolled around Dan was familiar with every sentence down to the specific wording of Aaron’s small file. His eyes had lingered on that one photo for much longer than they should’ve, scanning every detail of the black and white picture. 

He cried a few times after the first two, especially after reading something that brought back a wave of nostalgia and made his heart ache. Phil was at his side each time, rubbing a warm hand over his back in calming circles and whispering reassurances to him. It worked every time, and he was so thankful for that. He was so thankful for Phil in general. He’d hated him for even suggesting that his brother might be alive that morning, but now he couldn’t express his gratitude enough. 

It was rather late in the night when Phil finally convinced Dan to go to sleep, or at least migrate to the former’s bed with him. It took some persuading, but after he promised Dan could take the file with him they were good to go. 

They continued their familiar routine of brushing their teeth together, followed by Dan stating he was too tired to put on new clothes and merely stripping down to his boxers before crawling under the neon covers of Phil’s bed. The latter chuckled at his sleepy and suddenly careless manner, slipping under the covers alongside him and inviting Dan to rest his head on his chest.

Dan accepted, of course he did. He snuggled into Phil as much as possible while giving the file one last look over. When he was as done as he could be, he reluctantly placed it on the bedside table next to Phil and attempted to shut his brain off.

It didn’t work though. Within half an hour he was lying fully awake again with his eyes wide open and his mind exploring every single possibility for his and his brother’s possible re-encounter the following day. He contemplated how things could go wrong, how things could go right, and how things could go completely unexpectedly. 

He then made a mental list of what he needed to tell Aaron. There were lots of things, far too many to count all at once. He figured he’d focus on the really important things as opposed to the small bits. He’d hopefully be able to save those for later. 

Eventually though, Dan grew too emotionally and physically tired to stay awake any longer, instead giving into the tempting call of sleep. He drifted off soundly, though it was after much restlessness and hours after Phil had drifted into unconsciousness. He didn’t mind, though. 

After a day like today, a bit of lost sleep was nothing to mind. 

—

It was early when Dan woke up, he could tell by the relatively dim light peeking through the curtains and the fact that Phil had still yet to wake up. He was pressed against Dan just like he had been the night prior as his bed was rather small compared to Dan’s too big one. He didn’t mind though, he liked being close to Phil this way. 

It only took a few seconds before his mind was immediately back on the subject of possibly meeting Aaron today. Aaron. He hadn’t seen him in twelve years, had thought he was dead for that long. For whatever reason –perhaps sleep deprivation or just pure insanity– that made a giggle erupt from his throat. 

The entire situation was entirely insane, so insane that it was almost laughable. Dan had lived his whole life believing the world operated solely in Red or Blue. He only found out less than a month ago that that wasn’t the full story, that the government was hiding an entire third of the population, which was asinine in itself. And to top it all off, his brother was one of those Yellows! It was crazy, unimaginable, the stuff of adventure novels or some bullshit akin to that. 

He probably shouldn’t have been laughing, but it was too early to fully comprehend the weight of the situation. 

In the hour or so that passed before Phil began to stir, that weight did settle. It wasn’t as numbing or emotionally draining as the day before when it was all new information to him, but it still crashed over his conscience like a tidal wave– still made him feel vulnerable and a bit broken. 

“G’morning,” mumbled Phil as he turned over, nearly squishing Dan against the wall in the process. 

Dan smiled softly, resting his head in the crook of his elbow. “Hey.”

He watched as Phil’s greyish blue oceans wandered all over his face, searching for something it seemed. “You okay?” 

He hummed, otherwise silent for a moment. “Do you think I’ll get to see Aaron today?”

“We’re waiting on one call that Martyn might’ve already gotten. But yeah, I hope so.”

“Okay.”

And then all too soon there was a booming knock at Phil’s bedroom door to answer his question, causing them both to bolt upright and clutch the shared neon covers to their bare chests. Neither had bothered with anything more than boxers last night, but now Dan was regretting that just a bit. 

“Come in!” Phil called. 

Martyn didn’t wait for any further instruction, pushing past the door before shutting it again and leaning against the wood. He looked Dan and Phil over once before smirking. “Yeah, I called it.”

“Shut it,” threatened Phil. “What’s the update?”

Martyn scoffed. “Rude.” He turned his attention to Dan next. “Your brother will be waiting by the gates at nine this morning. Cornelia’s driving us.”

Dan couldn’t contain the smile growing on his lips. He was going to see Aaron! “What time is it now?” 

“Half past six. It takes half an hour to get there, though, so get ready fast.”

Phil nodded from beside a now grinning Dan. “Thanks, Martyn. Really.” 

Dan nodded in agreement. “Thank you.”

Martyn waved a dismissive hand in the air, producing a grunting sound before he headed back out the door and closed it again as he went. 

As soon as the door was properly shut once more, Dan turned his body to face Phil, grinning like a maniac, he was sure. “I’m seeing Aaron,” he breathed, all smiles and excitement coursing through his veins. And then: “He’s going to love you, Phil.”

“You want me to meet him?” Phil asked, returning Dan’s grin on a smaller scale. 

Eyebrows furrowed, Dan shook his head in confusion. “Of course I do. He’s important to me and so are you.” He paused. “Unless you don’t want to meet him, which is fine–“

“Dan!” Phil said, effectively stopping what was about to become awkward ramblings. He laughed, reaching a hand across to slip into Dan’s, his thumb rubbing over the back of his hand. “I want to meet him.”

Dan was grinning again, brighter than before. It filled his chest with so much warmth to hear that from Phil, made him even more excited than he had been before. There was a little voice in the back of his head reminding him that Aaron had probably changed a great deal during the last decade. He’d grown as a teenager and then a young adult, Dan knew that. It made him upset that he hadn’t been there to witness it, but he couldn’t wait to meet this new Aaron; couldn’t wait for Phil to meet him. 

So he spent the majority of the next hour and a bit telling Phil every good memory he kept of his little brother and him. He wanted Phil to know just how amazing he was, how amazing he would be. By the time they had to get dressed again in borrowed clothes and brush their teeth once more, Dan was certain that if Aaron was still Aaron then Phil wouldn’t be able to help but love him just as much as Dan did. 

And when he vocalized that very thought, Phil agreed. 

—

Dan had been genuinely scared when the familiar government issued van pulled up in front of the Lester Brothers’ apartment building, Nouveau City logo painted elegantly on the its white sides. It took him a minute to realize that it was their ride, that the people inside must not be the enemy like he’d first assumed. 

In fact, the spacious inside of the large van was filled mostly with an equal mixture of Reds and Blues, much to Dan’s surprise. Some he recognized, like Pj and Veda, who he waved politely to. He was unfamiliar with most of the faces staring at him though, and they really were staring at him. They probably knew his story, or at least what he’d shared with everyone else, and this was just some sort of pity glare. He didn’t love it, but he could handle it. 

There was a girl sat in close proximity beside Veda, her long brown curls much like Dan’s own, yet much darker. Her eyes reminded him of evergreen trees, he noted, and the way she clutched Veda’s hand reminded him of the way he so badly wanted to hold Phil’s hand at the moment, too. 

So that must be Veda’s girlfriend then, Mika. 

As long as it took Dan to realize this particular van wasn’t a threat, it took him twice as long to recognize that the woman sitting up front in the driver's seat must be Cornelia, Martyn’s girlfriend. She didn’t look much like Dan had expected save for the blue of her right arm’s tattoo, though her fiery red pixie cut and pale skin was absolutely gorgeous nevertheless. She smiled warmly at Dan through the mirror as she caught him staring. He smiled back. 

He sat on the side opposite to Pj, Veda, and Mika, sandwiched between Phil and Martyn without complaint. He hadn’t noticed before, but Pj was eyeing him funny, looking at him as though he was an alien. It made Dan feel small, and cemented that Pj was most definitely not his biggest fan. 

“You realize there’s no going back once you see the gate, right?” Asked Pj, as if he were asking Dan if he knew the alphabet or something equally as simple. 

He didn’t answer immediately, glancing between the two Lester brothers for input. He wasn’t exactly sure what Pj meant, but it sounded a great deal more threatening than he would’ve liked. “What do you mean?” He asked quietly, confusion over weighing his excitement at the moment. 

Phil shook his head. “That’s stupid Peej, it’s not like he’s going to run off and tell someone about us.”

Pj narrowed his eyes. “How are the rest of us supposed to know that? He might be special to you, Phil, but he’s nothing but a liability to us.” He gave Dan a look that he was sure meant he was gonna die soon. Yes, Pj was clearly going to murder him before he even got the chance to meet his brother. “We can’t trust him.”

“I’m not gonna tell anyone,” he promised in an attempt to gain their trust. He was pretty sure he already had Veda’s, but Pj was surely a lost cause at this point. 

Phil scoffed. “Seriously, Pj. He won’t. Give it up, he knows the consequences.”

He didn’t, actually, but he was pretty sure he had an idea. 

Pj shut up after that, seeming merely grumpy and uncomfortable whenever Dan got caught glancing over in his direction. Really, it was a wonder Martyn even let him near petrol. 

They spent the rest of the too long ride in relative silence save for Veda leaning over to tell Mika something every once in awhile. Dan couldn’t see through the dirty van windows very well, but he could tell that they were getting further out into the fields with every bump they hit, the air beginning to smell more like his backyard. 

He felt his heart rate quicken the closer they got to their destination, or ‘the gate’, as Pj had called it. There were so many ways this confrontation could play out. Regardless, he had faith that it would be okay, that everything would work out fine and he’d hopefully be able to see Aaron again after this. 

Phil’s hand had slipped onto Dan’s knee within the last few minutes of their ride, squeezing it reassuringly as the van slowed to a stop. Dan was impossibly thankful for Phil in that moment; for how he somehow had the power to calm his nerves with one small gesture. It made his stomach feel fluttery again. 

“Are we ready?” Mika asked, standing up once the van stopped shaking. Veda and Pj joined her, the Lester brother’s as well as Dan staying seated though. 

Martyn glanced to Phil and then Dan, nodding once. “I’m good, but I think these two are gonna be a minute. We’ll be outside when you’re ready.”

Dan smiled. “Thanks.”

“We won’t be long,” Phil added. 

Everyone, including Cornelia, filed out of the van within seconds, shutting the metal doors behind themselves and leaving Dan and Phil behind. The former was silent a moment, eyes fixed on the dirty window across from him. 

“Do you think he’ll still like me?” He asked, distant. 

“Dan,” said Phil firmly. Dan turned to him, awaiting his answer nervously. “He’s your little brother. He’s not going to like you, he’s going to love you. You’re impossible not to love.”

Dan didn’t want to think about what that sentence could imply, so instead he simply leaned forward and pressed his lips to Phil’s. Everything about this situation seemed incredibly difficult, but kissing Phil was always easy. 

“Should we go outside now?” Phil asked after pulling away. 

Dan nodded. “Yeah. I’ve waited twelve years for this, I can’t believe I’m actually hesitating now that it’s happening.”

They both stood to their feet, Phil then moving to pull the door open for them. “It’s okay to be scared, but let yourself have this, okay?”

Smiling, Dan followed him outside. “Okay.”

It wasn’t another ten seconds before he heard his name being called across the field, and as Dan looked up he didn’t process the gigantic concrete gate and large metallic defense systems above, or the beginnings of civilization beyond the city he’d known his entire life. Instead his eyes fixed on the curly haired man stood at its opening, the unmistakable softness of his eyes telling him immediately that holy fuck, this was Aaron. 

Neither seemed to think at all before they were running for each other, closing the small distance between them in no time and clashing together in a tight and merciless embrace. Dan wrapped his arms so tightly around his brother’s middle that he was scared he might brake him, but Aaron was gripping him just as tightly and it made him feel slightly less guilty. Besides, that wasn’t where his main focus was supposed to be. 

When he finally let it hit him, the way he still felt the same way he did when they were younger and the fact that this was real, he couldn’t help but get teary eyed. This was Aaron. This was happening. 

“I fucking missed you,” Aaron whimpered, clearly being hit just as heavily with emotion as Dan. His voice sounded so much different now, so much deeper. 

The aforementioned squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to keep the worst of his tears at bay. “I thought you were dead.”

Aaron laughed against his neck before pulling away, grinning through his own tears. “You win.”

After a thumbs up from the rest of their team, Dan and Aaron headed down the stretch of the long, tall, and concrete walls of the city boundaries, finding a spot a few hundred yards away to sit against the wall and talk. Dan had a lot of talking to do.

“I guess we’ve got a lot to catch up on, don’t we?” He asked, smiling. 

His brother chuckled. “I guess so.”

Dan couldn’t stop looking at Aaron. His hair was curly, but not as much as his. It was brown like his as well, but lighter. His skin was definitely more tanned, most likely a product of being in the sun far more than Dan would even consider, and his smile was just making him feel nostalgic. 

“You look a lot different now,” said Dan. 

Aaron nodded once. “You too.”

“I have so many questions about where you live.”

“I probably have more,” laughed Aaron. Dan didn’t think he’d ever get enough of that sound, especially not after its twelve year absence. “You go first though.”

“How did you get here? Everyone was told you hadn’t made it.” Dan was looking down at his shoes now. He didn’t like talking about it to other people, but talking about it with Aaron seemed just the tiniest bit more difficult. 

Aaron sighed, averting his eyes as well. “I don’t remember it much, but I’m pretty sure they waited until I was stable and then tattooed me as a Yellow. Next thing I knew I was being dropped off outside of town and told I had to live with some family I didn’t even know.” 

Dan looked up, frowning. He could see the pain in his brother’s eyes, feel the terrifying memory just in the way he spoke. It made him angry. Angry at their stupid government, angry at himself for never letting his denial take over in the beginning. 

He glanced to Aaron’s right arm, slightly disappointed to see he was wearing a long sleeved shirt which made viewing his yellow tattoo impossible. It was fine though. This was his baby brother, he didn’t need proof. 

“Did they treat you okay?” He asked instead. 

Aaron nodded without hesitation. “They were amazing. Almost as good as mum and dad.” He paused, eyes growing distant before he snapped back into reality. “How are they?”

“Really good, dad’s retiring and mum keeps trying to set me up with every eligible Blue girl she finds.”

Chuckling, Aaron shook his head. “She hasn’t changed, I guess.”

“Not much,” nodded Dan. 

“So you haven’t got anyone, then?”

Dan froze. Did Phil count as ‘someone’? To him he did, but they hadn’t really put a label to anything they’d been doing. For all he knew this could’ve been merely casual to Phil. “It’s, um, complicated. We’ll talk about it later. You?”

“Nope, I had a girlfriend but she and a bunch of other Yellows went looking for more civilization out west a few months ago and haven’t come back yet. We think they’re dead.”

Dan tilted his head to the side. “Well I’d thought you were dead for like twelve years, and look at you now. I’m sure she’s fine.” 

Aaron smiled at him, nodding. “Yeah, well I hope so. She was really great.”

“Can I meet her if she comes back?”

“Of course.”

“Good.”

They were both silent for a few long moments, Dan looking down and picking at the grass though he could feel Aaron’s eyes on him. 

“And I’ll get to meet your complicated person someday?” He asked his older brother, causing the latter to look up and glance from Phil behind him and back to Aaron. 

“Yes, definitely. You can meet my complicated person today if you want.”

“Really?” Aaron’s eyes widened in excitement as he twisted his body to face the small group of Reds and Blues hovering outside the gates. “I can’t wait to meet her.”

Right, her. Dan really hoped that small detail wouldn’t be an issue moving forward. That would fucking suck. 

Conversation progressed to a multitude of different things over the next hour and a half. Aaron told him about the small and mostly dysfunctional homes the government provided them with, and about how there were at times up to four families living in one home before they finally started receiving supplies and resources from Kath Lester and her people back home. Apparently they’d brought over food and other necessities on several other occasions when the government was too otherwise ‘busy’ to do it for them instead. 

Aaron seemed angry about that, and rightfully so, thought Dan. He was sure he’d hate it too if the government stopped stocking the grocery stores and funding their drinking water. 

Eventually they got talking about jobs, Aaron letting on that he’d had multiple smaller jobs before settling on one that involved gardening their produce a few years ago. He seemed quite content with his task, going on and on to Dan about his endless funny stories and experiences with fellow gardeners. 

All of it reminded him of his own job, working at Cate’s Coffee Shop for years on end. So he told him about that, about Jenni and Ted and the mother-son-like bond he’d formed with Cate. He told him about their busy days and low staffing, of the maternal interventions from Cate in the staff lounge and the stupid signs they were forced to put out on the tables every morning. 

Talking about his job to Aaron only brought back memories of his encounter with a certain someone a month or so ago, though. He wondered briefly if he should bother mentioning it to Aaron before deciding it was probably best if he did. At the very least it’d be something they could relate over.

“I saw Robbie Malcolm a little while ago,” he stated. 

“Oh,” Aaron responded, biting at his lip. “How was that?”

“I totally freaked out and had a breakdown in the staff room at work.”

“That’s not good.”

Dan laughed. “No, it wasn’t.”

Silence, and then: “Why’d you freak out?”

His eyebrows raised, Dan forcefully ripped out a chunk of grass from the ground. “Because every time I see him I think about what he did to you.”

“Well then don’t. That was ages ago, it doesn’t bother me anymore.”

Dan’s head snapped up. He didn’t even think before he let his next words escape his mouth. “Yeah, well it certainly bothered you back then.”

Those words left his lips tasting like venom, regret immediately following in their tracks. He was referring to the attempt; he knew it and so did Aaron, who visibly flinched. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

Dan shook his head. “No, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Sighing, Aaron ran a hand through his hair. “He might’ve been the reason I did . . . that, back then, but I promise I’m past it now. I’m in a better place, figuratively and literally. Robbie was an ass, but you can’t hold that against him forever. He’s probably changed.”

He didn’t believe that, not in the way Robbie had been so eager to ignore the elephant in the room when he’d greeted Dan, nor the way he couldn’t understand how their encounter could possibly cause his past victim’s older brother so much grief. Dan refused to believe that Robbie Malcolm had changed, or that he was any kinder now than he’d been back then. He didn’t see how that could be possible. 

“He was acting like you hadn’t even happened, like he wasn’t responsible–“

Aaron rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Dan flinched. He really hadn’t meant to bring this all back, never wanted Aaron to have to think about it. He suddenly felt like he’d fucked up so bad that maybe his brother would want to leave. Fuck fuck fuck.

“Okay,” he spoke quickly, hand reaching out to touch Aaron’s arm. In the process, a bit of Aaron’s sleeve rose up and a small portion of his yellow tattoo became visible. It was brighter than Dan had imagined it would be, and started a bit lower than his own did. 

Without even thinking about it he pushed up the material a few inches, running his thumb over the ink. Looking up at a now calmer Aaron, Dan muttered a “sorry” and then: “Can I?” 

Aaron nodded, taking it upon himself to roll his sleeve up the rest of the way. “Never seen a Yellow before?”

“No, I only learned you guys exist a few weeks ago,” answered Dan. 

“Oh. So then you’ve never seen the Oranges and Greens either?” 

Dan’s head shot up once more. The what? He shook his head. 

“Yellows is just an umbrella term for all the people outside the city as all of our tattoos have been gone over in yellow ink. It’s not actually strong enough to cover the Red or Blue, though, so most of the people here are either Orange or Green. I’m only pure Yellow because I wasn’t already tattooed,” explained Aaron. 

Humming, Dan supposed that made sense. It wasn’t like they’d be able to remove the colour of anyone’s pre existing tattoo before adding the yellow ink, and yellow was such a light colour that there’s no way it’d be able to cover it either way. 

“So then does the gate scan for yellow pigment or does it just keep Reds and Blues in?” He asked, curious now. Why hadn’t either Phil nor Martyn mentioned this to him before?

“I’m pretty sure it just keeps Reds and Blues out, but I don’t think anyone actually knows but the government. There are rumours that they just messed up the scanning system and wired it the wrong way so now they can’t fix it without getting shot by the gate, but I don’t know if that’s true. There’s never been anyone bold enough to test it.”

“So all you guys know is that Yellows can leave?”

Aaron hummed. “Pretty much.” They were both quiet for a while, each seeming to be thinking this information over in their heads. Dan was still staring at Aaron’s tattoo, silently wishing that he’d been in the city long enough to now be an Orange or a Green. Aaron seemed un-bothered though, changing the subject without second thought. “Can I meet you special someone now? I have to get back through the gates soon or Annette will get worried.”

“Annette?”

“My ‘mum’,” said Aaron, making quotations with his fingers. 

Dan nodded. “Right. Yeah, you can meet my person.”

Without another shared word they both stood to their feet, rubbing grass and dirt from their behinds before heading back in the direction of Dan’s friends. Could he even call them that? 

As they walked, Dan noticed how Aaron began scanning the small crowd curiously. “Is it that girl?” He asked, nodding to Cornelia. 

Dan shook his head. “Try again.” 

“The red head?” He guessed. 

Oh boy, this was gonna be interesting. “Nope.”

They were getting close to the group now, which consequently meant Dan would need to expose himself as not-exactly-straight-but-unsure to his little brother who he wasn’t sure even supported that. Great. 

“So it’s the brunette?” His brother whispered just as they approached the others, stopping by the van. 

Dan just sighed. He really hoped this wouldn’t ruin anything they’d just reestablished. 

“Hey, Phil?” He called, catching the older Red’s attention. He’d been talking to Pj, who looked all too serious as always. 

He made his way over to the brothers, smiling all the way. He looked between them before Dan could say anything, eyes a bit wide. “Wow, you guys really do look a lot alike,” he remarked. 

Dan chuckled, though it was mostly fuelled by nervousness. “Uh, yeah.” He glanced over to Aaron, choosing to ignore the confused expression his face was upholding. “Can we go talk over by the gate?”

Phil looked a bit concerned then, but nodded nevertheless. “Yeah, of course.”

The walk from the van to the outside of the gate was all too short, and Dan sort of wished he’d picked a distance further away to address the current subject. 

“Okay so Phil, this is Aaron.” He laughed nervously. “You already knew that, though. Um–“

Probably sensing his anxiousness, Phil stepped in, reaching a hand out for Aaron to shake. “It’s nice to meet you, Aaron, Dan’s told me a lot about you,” he greeted with a smile. “I’m Phil, Dan’s . . .” He looked to the aforementioned in question. 

He didn’t know how to finish that sentence, though, so he went with his word form earlier instead. “Person.”

“Right,” finished Phil with a polite smile aimed towards Aaron. He probably didn’t know what that meant, and to be completely honest Dan didn’t either. “He’s my ‘person’ too.”

Dan looked to him then, biting the inside of his cheek. Even though the definition of ‘person’ wasn’t quite clear yet, it still meant a lot to him that Phil saw him in the same light as he saw Phil. 

When he turned his attention back to his brother, he nearly winced at the wide eyed look of realization gracing his face. Shit. But then, to his relief, it transformed back into an easy smile in Dan’s direction. 

Okay, he could breathe again now. 

He zoned out as Phil and Aaron continued conversation, mostly about him though he couldn’t quite bring himself to care all too much. He was fine, Aaron wasn’t judging him. 

All too soon, though, it was time for them to say their goodbyes. 

“I should go,” admitted Aaron with a frown. 

Dan mimicked the action. “Oh.”

“But I’ll see you again soon?”

Dan looked over to Phil, who was clearly about to walk away out of sheer politeness. He nodded before doing just as Dan had suspected and heading back towards the van while everyone else piled in again. 

“Yeah, definitely,” he answered. 

Aaron was hugging him then, and as Dan wrapped his arms around his little brother’s middle he knew with certainty that it wasn’t going to be the last time. That made him feel okay about leaving. 

“We’ve got a lot more to talk about next time, I guess,” mumbled Aaron, still embracing his brother tightly. 

Dan nodded as he pulled away, hand lingering on Aaron’s shoulder. “Okay. See you soon.”

Aaron smiled sadly. “Yeah, goodbye.”

“Bye Aaron.” Dan didn’t feel like he was going to cry anymore, he was just upset to see him go again. But Phil had said he’d see him soon, so it’d be okay, it would. 

With one last smile Aaron turned the other way and crossed through the tall gate that separated them both, looking back only once before disappearing out of sight. 

Dan reluctantly made his way back to the van, climbing in through the open door and taking his seat back between Martyn and Phil, who not-so-sneakily slipped his hand into Dan’s. 

It wasn’t long at all on their journey home before Dan realized that everyone in the van save for Cornelia, who was only glancing back at him through the rearview mirror every so often, was staring at him. Everyone also with the exception of Phil, but he didn’t count. 

Their eyes portrayed pity for him, and something else, something like acceptance. Only not the kind you go looking for, he supposed. 

“Why’s everyone looking at me?” He whispered, tugging desperately at Phil’s sleeve with his free hand. 

He watched as Phil lifted his gaze to scan the van, making everyone’s peering eyes flicker away out of what might’ve been shame, or perhaps a bit of guilt.

Phil leaned back in close to Dan, squeezing his hand. 

“It’s because they know you’re one of us now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated and I hope you have a lovely day <3


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Posting will resume on normal schedule, every Wednesday (or Thursday, who knows). Thanks for sticking with me through my little hiatus <3 
> 
> Hope you enjoy !!

“It’s because they know you’re one of us now.”

Dan finally began to understand what Phil’s words really meant as the following weeks progressed, everyday finding some new way to fit the puzzle pieces together. 

It began with the gradual increase in shifts he missed at the coffee shop, always being called over to the Lester’s for some reason or another. His newly found and not exactly desired work consumed most of his free time; between working his very few shifts each week, visiting with his brother, and meeting with Phil’s team –his team, now, Dan was completely booked. 

He’d called in sick so many times over the past month since meeting Aaron that Cate had actually brought him into the staff lounge one afternoon to ask if him and Phil were actually a good idea, questioning why he was phoning in sick so often. Of course, Dan couldn’t tell her about his brother, or what they were actually doing each day he didn’t show up to work.

He wished he could; she’d probably understand. 

But unfortunately this little ‘team’ he was now a part of had rules, and the main one was no snitching. No cops, no parents, and no bosses. 

It was hard at first, but eventually with time he got used to it. He learned mostly from Veda how to avoid a conversation or shift the subject to something else, something unrelated to what they were doing out in the fields at night. She was becoming quite a good friend of his, as well was Mika. 

It felt oddly comforting to have people in his life who he could now call friends. He’d never had those before, except for the ones who’d dropped him as a kid. These ones felt much more genuine, though. More real. 

Pj had still yet to warm up to Dan, but the latter could tell he was trying. He still wasn't sure what the curly haired Red had against him in the first place, especially seeing as he didn’t remember such a hatred aimed towards him the first time they’d met. 

Regardless, he was a bit too scared to ask. Pj had access to gasoline and fire, so he was trying his best not to piss him off or bother him too much. 

In terms of his relationship with Phil, or whatever it was they were doing, things were really beginning to pick up speed. What had at first been merely gentle touches and tentative kisses was now much more fast paced. It was rare for a day to pass without either of them initiating some sort of heated makeout session or hanging off the other’s side like their life depended on it. 

It was all incredibly exciting, overwhelming, and more than a bit terrifying. Dan couldn’t get enough. 

There was one thing that’d been bothering him though, something so small and probably insignificant to Phil, yet something that felt so important to him that it was eating away at his insides with each night his question went unanswered. He’d always been one for closure, for rules, and routines. And more than anything, he didn’t like the things he held so close to his heart being left out in the open. Especially not when the risks were so high. 

So it was a Thursday evening in late June when he decided enough was enough, that he couldn’t take it anymore. He and Phil were in his home, the latter having him pressed against the kitchen island as they remained attached at the mouth for what felt like an eternity, hands roaming underneath undesired clothing. From their current position Dan was trapped between Phil’s body and the counter behind him, which was digging into his lower back a bit. He really didn’t mind though, not at all. 

But sadly that would have to come to an end, or perhaps merely a pause, if he wanted to get his point across at all. So with much difficulty he pulled away, waiting for his breathing to slow and the look of disappointment on Phil’s face to fade. 

“What even is this?” He asked, his voice sounding a bit used and about half as confused as he actually felt. 

Phil was quick to busy his eyes on the hem of Dan’s shirt, his mouth opening and closing before he finally looked up again with a dismissive smile. “Does it matter?”

Dan raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. “It matters to me,” he admitted, his tone deadpan. He watched as a look of realization finally overtook Phil’s face, silently hoping that he would just say something so that they could go back to what they’d been doing prior. That had been much better than this tension. 

“I think, that if it’s okay with you, it’s safe to say we’re something like boyfriends now.”

Feeling his chest fill with warmth, satisfaction, and something else he couldn’t quite place, an overjoyed Dan pulled Phil back in, speaking his next words against the latter’s lips. “I’m more than good with that.”

What happened next was a blur, but the good kind. There were warm lips on his neck, pale hands under his shirt, and a reassuring sense of security due to their newly established label. And for the first night in what felt like forever, he was able to sleep soundly.

Early July brought with it more fires, more emergency meetings, and more whispered secrets amongst the others that Dan was for whatever reason unable to know about. 

He didn’t mind at first. He understood that he was still relatively new to the group and that they couldn’t be judged for not fully trusting him, but eventually the cautious looks and exclusive discussions became a bit tiresome. He wasn’t sure why they didn’t trust him, didn’t know how he could possibly prove himself to them once and for all. 

Perhaps they were waiting for him to help with the fires, or take a bullet for one of them, but that just wasn’t who Dan was. He didn’t want to get involved with actually setting the fires, only planning them. And taking a bullet for someone? As much as he knew it was cowardly to admit, Dan knew he’d be the first to run in the other direction if gunfire became involved. 

So whatever it was they were waiting for him to give them, Dan wasn’t sure how to do that, or how long it might take for them to realize exactly that. He just wanted to help, to be a part of something that was helping others, no matter how warped the circumstances might have been. It certainly wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t be brave and set distraction fires like Phil and Pj, tattoo Yellows like Cornelia and Veda, or orchestrate it all like Martyn. 

As they all sat around Mika’s quaint little dining room table for yet another routine meeting, Dan wondered how exactly to bring it up. He didn’t want to sound whiny or desperate, but he really just needed for them all to cut him a break. Even Phil was being a bit weird around him whenever the subject of their work came up, and he really didn’t think he could stand that much longer. 

More than anything, Dan hated being left in the dark while everyone else knew what was going on around them. 

“There are too many of them,” Pj announced with a heavy sigh as he shifted through the large pile of Yellow application files on the table. 

Veda sighed as well, resting her chin in the palm of her hand. “You said that last time.”

“Yeah, but it’s almost double this time.” He paused, glancing between Martyn and Phil quickly. “That’s a bit of a problem, don’t you think.”

Eyebrows furrowed, Dan frowned. “I don’t get it– why is that a bad thing?”

“Because the more people that know about what we do, the more people are talking about it.” 

Phil hummed. “And if numbers keep increasing at this rate then it won’t be long before someone lets it slip to the wrong person and we all end up either arrested or killed.”

Oh, that definitely wouldn’t be fucking good. Dan suddenly wished all of the files before him would disappear with a poof and a cloud of mist. By the sounds of things, that would make circumstances a lot easier for all of them. 

“So then what do we do?” He asked slowly, looking between the six others crowded around the table for answers. 

Martyn was the one to finally offer him one; “We’ll just have to start being a lot more careful. We’ll take clients in small groups at a time and temporarily deny all the rest.” 

Dan wasn’t entirely sure how that would fix their problem, but by the way Martyn was rubbing harshly at the back of his neck and staring down at the files, he could tell it was stressing him out much more than it was stressing Dan. So he didn’t protest or ask anymore questions, he merely sat still and listened as discussion progressed. 

The group slowly moved on to serious conversation about the same topics they always did: planning fire dates, tattoo dates, and sorting through the many files presented to them. Dan was beginning to realize it was all very routine with these people, or at least when it could be. Though sometimes spontaneous actions would need to be carried out every once in a while, most things like this were planned out and scheduled to the furthest extent they could be. 

He didn’t mind one bit though, he liked the structure. 

Having zoned out, he didn’t really start paying them his full attention again until Mika spoke in regards to the influx in application forms, her voice coming out disappointed and a tad bit hopeless. 

“At this rate, we're never gonna get our fucking turn with this, are we?” She asked, slumping back against her chair. 

Veda immediately slapped a weak hand against her girlfriend’s shoulder, hissing her name. 

“What?” 

Dan’s eyes wandered around the table to each of his maybe-friends, more confused than ever. What did Mika mean by ‘their turn’, and why had Veda been so speedy to scold her for it? What was he missing?

Martyn sighed from beside him, whereas Phil visibly froze. “I’ve told you, we’ll all do it in a year. We need to get everyone else through first.”

“I don’t get it,” Dan interjected before anyone could add onto Martyn’s point. “What do you mean by ‘our turn’?”

Mika’s eyes widened a bit. “You don’t know?” She turned to look at Phil with even wider eyes. “You didn’t tell him?”

Phil shuffled in his seat, eyes downcast and somehow managing to avoid Dan’s glare. He didn’t like when Phil kept secrets from him, he thought the latter knew that already. He thought he cared enough to follow through. 

“No, Mika, I hadn’t gotten around to it yet.”

“It’s been over a month since he got involved, you didn’t plan on telling him we’re eventually gonna tattoo ourselves Yellow until later?” Mika sounded both surprised and confused, though Dan would bet any amount of money that he was one hundred times more surprised and confused about this than she could ever be. 

He laughed, but the sound lacked any conviction. “Excuse me?” He asked, hoping they wouldn’t just continue to talk like he wasn’t sat right between them. 

“We had other things to worry about,” explained Phil, a weak defence seeing as Dan could tell just from his body language how little he believed in his own words. 

Veda scoffed. “Well you might wanna tell him soon, he looks like he wants to castrate you right now.”

Yeah, he kinda fucking did. 

“Well on that note!” Announced Cornelia as she threw her hands up in the air. “I think we should end this meeting before it ends with Phil’s blood on the carpet.”

Everyone was quick to agree, sitting up from the table while Dan remained rooted in his chair for a few seconds longer, trying to calm his mind and not lash out at Phil. Eventually, though, he pushed himself up and followed him out the door after muttering a quiet ‘thank you’ to Mika. 

Phil took him straight home after that, not making any attempt to pretend he hadn’t done something wrong. Dan was trying his hardest not to be mad, but mostly he was just disappointed. All he’d ever wanted was honesty, and he really wasn’t sure how binding this pact or whatever it was seemed to be, but it still mattered to him that Phil never told him about it. He hadn’t even mentioned anything of the like. 

“Do you want me to go home now?” Phil asked, his voice cautious and low. 

Dan was holding back a loud ‘yes!’, instead settling for something less anger-fuelled. “I want you to talk to me. But I also want to do that later because I think if we do it now I’ll just say something I don’t really mean.”

Phil nodded. “Okay.” He looked down to his boot clad feet, shifting his weight. “Tomorrow.”

“Yeah, anytime after I get off work.”

“Do you want me to call first–“

“Nope. If you call first I’ll think about it too much and let my emotions get the best of me, so unless you plan on getting punched I wouldn’t call first.”

Phil laughed a humourless laugh, smiling a bit. “Yeah, that’s true.”

Dan didn’t think too much before leaning in and giving Phil a kiss goodbye, then heading back inside with a wave of his left hand. Sure, he was a bit frustrated with Phil, but he wasn’t necessarily ready to say goodbye on a bad note, just a tense one. 

He spent the entire night thinking about everything everyone had said and the information they’d shared so far. With that, he also couldn’t help but wonder what Phil hadn’t told him yet. He was scared for what secrets he still might’ve been holding from him, and he really hoped there wasn’t anything too terrible, but he had faith. 

He knew that nearly every time Phil had lied it had been to protect him in some way, shape, or form. Sometimes it was stupid, and he was just being overprotective and silly, but if he really thought that he was helping Dan somehow then it couldn’t be be all that bad, right? So he’d give Phil the benefit of the doubt, and hopefully he’d come through. 

Dan needed him to. 

—

Work the next day passed in a blur. He didn’t talk much to anyone due to his late night spent worrying about Phil, and Cate didn’t even seem interested enough to ask about it. He didn’t blame her. 

He’d been distant and absent lately, they both knew that. Dan just wished he could tell her everything about what he was doing like he’d done in the past. Cate had always been his diary, and the very last thing he wanted was to lose her. 

He hated that this was driving a wedge between their relationship, hated that doing something he believed in meant growing apart from his work-mother. Dan just had to keep reminding himself that this was all for a good cause, and that maybe he could make it up to Cate eventually. At least he hoped he could. 

The walk home was routinely dusty and too hot. His door hinges creaked loudly as he entered his house and the hardwood flooring was refreshingly cold on his socked feet a few moments later. Everything was calm, and quiet, and normal. Now all he had to do was wait for one particular Red to knock at his screen door. 

And he did wait. He waited for hours and hours, all the way past dinner and past when he’d normally be retreating back to his bedroom. Luckily he wasn’t too worried about staying up late as it was Friday, but he still wondered if Phil even still planned on showing. 

So Dan set up on the porch, small wine glass and book in hand. Sat with his knees pulled to his chest and his back against the brick exterior of his home, he decided he’d wait until eleven. If Phil wasn’t there by then, then he’d call it a night and phone him about it tomorrow. 

But time passed much faster than he’d anticipated, and before he knew it, eleven was quickly approaching with still no sign of Phil. 

Dan had heard rustling in the field a few times, but no one had ever showed. It was nearing ten fifty when he began to gather his things and get ready to go to sleep, or rather lay awake in bed again. 

He bookmarked his place and pulled himself up off the porch as slowly as humanly possible, subconsciously hoping that if he was slow enough then maybe Phil would have time to show up. 

And to his surprise, just as he pulled the sliding glass door open with a dissapointment frown, there was a rustling sound from behind him, causing him to turn on his heel. 

“Sorry I’m late,” Phil apologized with a weak smile.

Dan shook his head. He didn’t say anything as he held the door open and gestured for Phil to follow him in. He was smiling though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated and I hope you have a lovely day <3


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hello it’s me. I totally forgot I had to post this today so sorry it’s a little bit late :/ Also, my apologies as this chapter is mostly dialogue. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy !!

Dan passed Phil his coffee mug before settling down on the sofa, his body angled towards the latter. Coffee probably wasn’t the grandest of ideas at such a late hour, but Dan reckoned he’d need it in order to stay awake now. The wine had only served to make him sleepy, which wasn’t good if he wanted to hear Phil out before it was officially Saturday. He took a few sips before placing his own mug down on the coffee table and pulling his knees up to his chest again.

Phil’s legs were folded neatly as he sat criss-crossed on the cushion next to him, still clutching his mug between two pale hands. He didn’t exactly look nervous, just like he was preparing himself for a poor reaction. Dan had yet to determine whether he’d be delivering a reaction like that or not. 

Honestly, at this point, Phil had kept so many secrets from him “for his own safety” that Dan thought he might just have to accept this one as the last and try his best to move on.

Not from Phil though, he couldn’t see himself moving on from him anytime soon, and his team’s cause was too important not to fight for. No, he’d just have to make it clear that this wasn’t okay if they wanted it to work out; keeping big secrets was out of the question. 

“So you guys are tattooing yourselves as Yellows next year?” Asked Dan, deciding to cut to the chase rather than awkwardly dance around the subject any longer. Besides, he reckoned the quicker they got this conversation over with, the sooner he could get to sleep, and preferably with Phil. 

Phil nodded. “Yeah, but–”

“I have to do it too now, don’t I?” He wanted to say it before Phil could, that way it wouldn’t sting so much when he heard it out loud. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. That was asshole-ish of me, I know.”

“Did you at least have a reason not to tell me?”

If the answer to that question was simply “to protect you” then Dan might’ve exploded.

Phil was silent for a bit, taking a sip of his coffee in the meantime. He looked up at Dan. “If I’d told you about the plan and you'd reacted poorly, then Martyn wouldn’t have let me take you to meet Aaron. I couldn’t make you choose between your brother or being a Blue.”

“So you chose for me.”

Phil slumped down into the sofa cushion. “I’m sorry.”

Dan wasn’t as angry as he thought he’d be, merely disappointed. He almost laughed at how cliche it was; “I’m not angry, dear, just a bit disappointed”. It sounded nearly comical in his head.

Phil making decisions for him, that was a reason to be angry and upset. Phil thinking he knew what was best for him, that was also a valid reason. Only he couldn’t be any of those things, not when he knew that given the choice, he’d choose not to know about the little contract his new group shared if it meant knowing his little brother was alive. So Dan reckoned it would be unfair to feel anything but perhaps disappointment right now; he owed Phil the benefit of doubt here. 

“I don’t think I’m mad.”

He looked surprised, to say the least. Curious, as well. “You don’t?”

Dan shook his head. “If it means I get to see my little brother all because you didn’t tell me this, then I’m glad you didn’t. Because as much as I hate to say this, you’re right; I would’ve run.”

“I never said that–”

“But we both know it, don’t we?”

He watched as Phil diverted his attention to his still mostly full coffee cup on the table. It was probably getting cold by now, but that was fine. Dan didn’t think he’d be needing the caffeine anymore as their generously thought provoking conversation was now keeping him just as awake as he needed to be. He was pretty certain that Phil didn’t need his coffee either, that he was just holding it to have something to hold. 

Fuelled by some sort of sympathy that he wasn’t sure he was meant to feel, Dan reached a hand over to pry the mug from Phil’s grasp, sighing. Phil’s fingers quickly released their hold, and Dan could feel those ocean grey eyes on his back as he leaned forward to put it beside his own mug. He quickly returned to his place, relaxing against the sofa cushion behind him and slipping his hand into Phil’s instead.

The latter smiled softly, squeezing his hand. Dan squeezed back. 

“When were you gonna tell me?” He asked.

Phil laughed, and this time it didn’t sound so fake and humourless. “That’s the funny part, actually,” he said. “I was planning on telling you yesterday after the meeting.”

Okay, so Dan did have to chuckle at that. Come to think of it though, it was probably a good thing that Mika had been the one to break it to him, and not Phil. If he hadn’t’d had the small audience of their team to keep his reaction diluted then he just might have torn the aformentioned’s hair out. 

“Okay,” he finally said, shifting to be closer to Phil. “Okay. But this is the last time you keep things from me, yeah? I don’t care if you’re trying to protect me, I don’t need it and I can’t afford to lose you over something stupid like this.” Dan paused, looking down at their intertwined fingers. “Just tell me when I need to know something. I’m not a child, and I can deal with pressure just as well as you can, you know.”

Phil nodded. “I’ve never thought you were a child, I just . . . I don’t know. I guess I’d just rather see you pissed at me than tearing yourself apart.”

Oh. 

“I get it. I mean, I guess I do, but I still don’t like it, Phil. No more secrets.”

“No more secrets,” repeated Phil. He could’ve just as easily nodded, but Dan appreciated hearing the words out loud. 

Closing the distance between them, Dan kissed Phil, soft and sweet. “Good,” he mumbled against his lips. “Sleep here?”

Phil hummed. Dan was just relieved he wasn’t asking him to leave instead. He figured he’d talk to him more about the actual issue at hand the next day. For now, he just needed rest. 

— 

The next morning, Dan drifted in and out of consciousness for what felt like minutes but in actuality was hours. He watched through sleepy eyes as his room grew lighter and lighter, the sun creeping in through the mostly closed shutters and casting bars of light over his crumpled duvet. Each time he woke he felt Phil’s bare chest to his back and his hot breath stirring the curls atop his head, tickling his scalp the tiniest bit. 

A heavy arm was draped over his side and resting against his bare stomach. It was something he was still getting used to; the feeling of another person sharing his space so intimately. Dan quite liked it, knowing there was someone who cared so deeply about him and who he cared so deeply for with him in every sense of the word. 

Waking up next to Phil in this sense was much better than it had been even a month ago, and as selfish as is sounded, Dan couldn’t imagine a world where they went back to being merely friends. This was just too good.

Dan hummed contently as he felt Phil’s arm pull him in closer, the latter clearly having started to wake up. He wished in that moment that they could stay like that forever, never moving.

“G’morning,” slurred Phil against the back of Dan’s head. 

Turning in his hold to meet Phil’s barely open eyes, Dan smiled. “You’re very cuddly in the morning, I’ve noticed.”

Phil gave a lazy smile in return, burying his face in Dan’s neck and causing the latter to laugh. 

“Am I?” He asked, his voice muffled by Dan’s skin. 

“Yes, definitely.” He moved his hand up to tangle in Phil’s messy morning hair. “It’s an endearing quality.”

Phil didn’t respond verbally, instead pressing soft and quick kisses to Dan’s collar bone, his neck, and up to his jaw, making the latter grin the whole time. Eventually he reached his mouth, pressing a kiss there that lasted much longer than the others. 

Dan pulled away in protest, frowning. “I have morning breath.”

Phil shook his head. “Don’t care.” 

Neither did Dan, if he was being honest.

Kissing Phil was always lovely, always made Dan’s chest feel warm and tingly. There were some things that had changed since their first real kiss though; what had once been new and exciting was now more comfortable and reassuring, but he supposed it might take a while for the excitement to fully fade away. He didn’t mind that, not one bit.

When they pulled away a few minutes later it was due solely to the wide smiles stretching across their lips, Phil having rolled on top of Dan with the latter pinned beneath him. Dan pulled him down flat onto his own chest within seconds, doing nothing more than hugging him tightly and wondering what the fuck he’d ever done to be so damn lucky. 

“I’m not the only cuddly one, it seems,” Phil commented, and Dan could just hear the suppressed laughter in his tone.

He pushed him off just as quickly as he’d pulled him down. 

“Shut up,” laughed Dan, the crinkles around his eyes no doubt on display. 

Phil gently nudged him in the shoulder, letting his loosely closed fist remain there after. 

Dan was silent, staring up at his bedroom ceiling and thinking. He wondered whether he should ask Phil more about the contract now or just wait until later and let himself enjoy this moment a little while longer. He was opting for the latter option until he realized that now that he’d thought about it, he probably wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it until he got his answers.

“What’re you thinking about?” 

Dan hummed. “Stuff.”

“Like what?”

He rolled over onto his side, resting his head in the crook of his elbow. “Like maybe you should just tell me a little more about the Yellow tattoo thing so I won’t be in the dark when it actually happens. I don’t know.”

Phil nodded, mirroring Dan’s position to face him. 

“What do you want to know?” He asked. 

Dan didn’t hesitate. “Everything. I wanna know why, and how, and what it’ll mean.”

“Okay,” Phil chuckled. “We’re gonna do it because we know there’s no way we can keep doing our business without the government finding out eventually. It’s gonna happen someday, and we’d rather be prepared and safe when it does.”

“What if it happens before a year passes?”

“We have the resources ready at any time thanks to Corn and Veda, and we’ve planned out how we’d go about it. I’ll make sure Martyn lets you in on all that during our next meeting.” He paused. “We’re ready. You never have to worry about that.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah. And the girls have enough Yellow dye set aside for us when the time comes, so we’ll be fine in that respect.”

Dan nodded. Alright, he thought, he could deal with these circumstances. He just wasn’t sure how he’d deal with moving on from his family and Cate so suddenly when it came time. “And what about the people we’d leave behind?”

“We’ve got people, Blues and Reds, who aren’t fully involved but will be able to inform important people that your safe. And if it becomes a big enough deal that we have to do it in a rush then I’m sure it’ll be all over the news. They’ll know either way.”

That made Dan feel a little bit better, but not by much. Part of him wished it would be some sort of emergency that would drive them out of the city so his family would know, but he also knew that wouldn’t be best for them. He knew that if they wanted to do this safely then it would have to happen on schedule when they’d have time to plan. He just wished there was an easier way than leaving everyone he loved in the dark. 

“Okay,” he said finally, voice small and eyes glued to his sheets.

A shrill ring filled the house before either could exchange further words, making Dan jump before he recognized the sound as his phone ringing in the kitchen. With a laugh, he quickly excused himself and made his way through the house to retrieve the phone.

“Hello?” He answered, already walking back into his bedroom. He knew it was either his mum, Martyn, or Cate, so he didn’t mind if Phil overheard. 

“Good morning, love!” His mum greeted, sounding perky and full of life as always. 

Dan smiled, sitting back down on the bed with his back to the headboard. “Hey mum, what’s up?”

“Nothing special, I just haven’t talked to you in a while. How are you?”

It had been over a week, a rare occurrence when it came to Harriet Howell and her son. 

“I’m really good, actually. You?”

“Same for me, love. Anything new and exciting in your life?”

Yes, he’d recently discovered that his brother had been alive and well for the past twelve years while they’d all thought he was dead, he was now part of some very exclusive and very illegal group that was tattooing Reds and Blues into Yellows (those exist now, by the way), and that friend they’d spoken briefly about last time? They were dating now.

Dan couldn’t really tell her all of that though, he supposed. 

He briefly considered telling her about Phil but decided against it just as quickly. Dropping the bomb that he wasn’t exactly straight would be enough of a stresser on her, but adding that he was dating a Red? Most likely a recipe for disaster, if he had to guess. 

“Nope, nothing that I can think of.” 

Possibly the biggest lie he’d ever told her.

“Same here, having your father around more often is a lot more boring than I’d thought it would be. How’s work?”

“Good, good.” Dan cleared his throat, glancing in the direction of a totally not eavesdropping Phil. “Look, mum. I can’t really talk long, I have company over. Sorry.”

He could hear the hopeful interest in her voice when she spoke next. “Oh! Did this person stay the night?” 

He wondered if she’d be just as interested and hopeful if she knew it was Phil.

Dan could let that bit slip, just not the whole truth. “Yeah, it’s just Phil though,” he said, finding the aforementioned’s hand with his own and squeezing. Even if he had to lie to his mum, he didn’t want Phil thinking for a second that Dan thought of him as “just Phil”.

He seemed to get it, offering a smile and squeezing back. 

“Oh, tell him I say hello.”

“Will do.” Dan turned to Phil. He knew he could hear their conversation, but he didn’t care. “She says hello.”

Phil returned the notion, and Dan told his mum so.

“Well then, I don’t want to keep you for long, so I better get going now,” she spoke, sounding only the tiniest bit saddened. 

“Okay, I’ll call you later tonight?”

“Sure, I’ll wait up for you. Goodbye Dan.”

“Bye mum.”

Dan turned to Phil with a laugh after hanging up. “Sorry about that.”

Phil shook his head. “It’s fine.” And then: “Does she, um, know? That you’re with someone, I mean.”

“Nah, I can't tell her. At least not yet.”

“Which parts can’t she know?”

“All of them. The second I tell her I’m with someone she’ll want to meet you, and if she knows you’re a Red, not to mention a bloke, then I think she might have a heart attack.”

He chuckled at the thought of it. His mum going pale in the face, clutching her heart as if it physically hurt, asking him if she’d heard right. He probably wouldn’t be laughing when it actually happened, but he’d save thinking about that for later. 

“Oh, that wouldn’t be good,” Phil laughed.

“No, I don’t think so.”

Phil pulled him over into his chest in one quick movement, pressing butterfly kisses to his forehead and nose while Dan erupted into a fit of giggles. 

“Well I guess I’ll just have to stay your secret for a little bit longer.”

“I guess.” Grinning, Dan pulled away with Phil’s hand still clasped in his own. “Now come on, I wanna go to the pond today.”

—

The following Monday back at work, Dan tried his hardest to avoid conversation with Cate. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to her, because he did, but rather that he needed a bit more time to figure out what to say. 

He wanted to apologize for the distant way he’d been acting lately and make sure that she still knew she was one of his most favourite people in the entire world. That would never change, no matter how many shifts he missed or was late to, and not even if he eventually stopped coming in to work at all. 

Cate was his mother most days, and he couldn’t stand the thought that he was letting her down any longer. Dan would give anything to have the best of both worlds, to work with Phil and his makeshift family while still being able to work with Cate every weekday from seven ‘til two. 

Unfortunately though, that wasn’t possible, and he knew that. He reckoned one of the hardest parts of all this would be balancing one half of the ones that mattered most with the other half. Cate was family, but now he was also forming a family with his friends, and he really didn’t want to lose either. 

So he needed to talk to Cate today, tell her in the vaguest yet most detailed way possible what was going on. She deserved an explanation just as much as Phil had needed his forgiveness a few nights prior. He’d just have to make sure not to let anything slip. 

Dan waited until he was alone in the staff room with Cate to start talking, right as they were packing up and getting ready to go home. 

“Can I talk to you before you go?” He asked, leaning awkwardly against the kitchenette counter.

Cate turned from where she’d been shoving things in her backpack haphazardly, an eyebrow raised. “Oh, so now you’d like to talk?”

Great, he’d barely gotten a sentence in and she was already pissed. Rightfully so, he supposed, but still. 

“I’ve been trying to find the best way to talk to you about this. I wasn’t just trying to ignore you.”

Cate lifted her chin and crossed her arms. “You’re not quitting, are you?”

“No! Gods, no!”

“Good. Then what is it?”

He’d thought about that the entire day and he still didn’t know how to approach it. He’d give it his best shot though.

“Cate, I’m sorry that I’ve been missing shifts and acting weird lately.”

She looked slightly more interested now, leaning against the nearest wall with her arms still folded over her chest. “Go on.”

“There’s this door that’s recently opened up for me, and it’s to do with something that I can’t discuss with you. I’m not allowed to, and I can’t break this promise no matter how badly I want to tell you,” he explained, knowing full well that she wouldn’t be satisfied with just that. 

“Why can’t you tell me?” Dan could actually see her switch into mother-mode, leaning forward the slightest bit and getting that signature worried look in her eyes. “It isn’t bad, is it?”

He shook his head. “It’s not bad, I promise. It’s the opposite really.”

Cate of course looked nothing short of sceptical. “Is Phil involved? Because I don’t want to hate him, in fact I quite liked him, but if he’s brainwashing you then I’ll kill him–“

“Cate, no! Phil is involved but he’s not brainwashing me! That’s ridiculous! He treats me wonderfully, and he’d never hurt me like that.”

“I don’t get it then, what are you doing?”

Dan wanted to tell her all about the Yellows and the world outside of the city then, but he couldn’t. She looked so hurt, like maybe she’d be better off angry than knowing this incredibly limited amount of information.

He understood now, why Phil made those choices for him and kept all those secrets. He understood why it was preferable to have someone be angry with you rather than upset; angry is easier to deal with, to live with. Dan hated seeing Cate confused and upset, just like he could imagine Phil hated seeing him that way. He got it now.

“I’ll put it this way,” he began. “It’s like I’m helping pave a new network of roads somewhere, y’know, to help everyone in the city get around better as the roads we have now aren't necessarily the best for everyone. 

“But if I tell someone what we’re doing, and they tell someone else, then eventually everyone will want to come see the new roads, and they’ll step in all the wet pavement and ruin it for everybody. There’ll be no roads, and no easy shortcuts for the people who need them the most.”

Cate nodded, swallowing. “I wouldn’t tell anyone about your roads, you know that.”

“I know,” Dan hummed. “But the people I’m working with don’t know that, and if they know there’s even a chance I’ve told you then I’m done; I can’t help anyone anymore.”

“And you can’t risk that.”

“I can’t.”

Cate’s eyes, which were previously glued to the floor, met Dan’s own. She seemed to understand at least a little bit more now, and for that Dan was thankful. He knew she wouldn’t ever completely get it, but he didn’t mind. As long as she accepted it he’d be fine. 

“So this is important to you then?” 

“Very. I finally feel like I have a purpose, y’know?”

Cate nodded, her lips tilting up into a sad smile. “I do.” Within a few seconds she closed the distance between them, wrapping him up in a big mama bear hug. He returned the hug gratefully, squeezing her middle. “Just be safe, that’s all I’m asking.”

“Okay.”

“I love you, Howell.”

Dan grinned. It seemed he had his Cate back now. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: ordanary :)


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it’s late, please don’t yell at me.
> 
> IMPORTANT: Adrian’s name has been switched to Aaron for reasons. I’m pretty sure I’ve managed to switch out all of them in this fic, but please point them out if I missed any. 
> 
> As well, a very minor character dies graphically (gun shots) in the middle to end of this chapter and as a result there are quite a few mentions of blood and whatnot too. If for whatever reason you are unable to read that and you’d like me to recap what happens for you, feel free to leave a comment or message me on tumblr @ordanary. 
> 
> Otherwise, I hope you enjoy :)

Things went back to normal between Cate and him after that, and Dan really couldn’t have been happier. Not only did their usual banter continue like it had before, but what had recently been a continuous stretch of long and stressful days were now so much easier to get through, so much more rewarding. After all, that had been the only reason he’d stayed at Cate’s Coffee Shop for so long; he genuinely enjoyed working with her. Those few distant weeks had been hell, and for the first time in what felt like forever, Dan was able to breathe easy again. 

Upon telling him, Phil had been a lot more excited about Dan’s newly mended relationship than he’d anticipated. It wasn’t as if he’d expected him to be upset that he was talking with Cate again, but the way his face lit up and he enveloped Dan in a warm hug when the aforementioned told him was still a pleasant surprise. He’d known Phil cared, but it really made his heart swoon to know he cared enough to lend his own energy and emotion to something that really didn’t affect him. 

Dan supposed it wasn’t much different from himself feeling excited whenever Phil told him about how much he was enjoying his book, or getting second-hand upset whenever Phil was. But still, he definitely wasn’t complaining. He more than liked it, feeling connected to someone like that. It made him feel like maybe what they had was special. 

The only relevant person who he’d yet to tell about all this was his brother. Dan hadn’t had the chance to see Aaron in a few long days, which of course felt like eternities after having to stay away for so long before then. Luckily though, it seemed Dan wouldn’t have to wait much longer at all. 

Cornelia had recently informed him they’d be taking a trip to the gate on Thursday to take care of some trade business between their team and the Yellows, taking grocery lists and such. She’d said Dan was more than welcome to come along and see Aaron, though Phil would most likely be staying at home.

Dan didn’t mind. He’d become a lot more comfortable around his team as of late, and it wasn’t as if he and Phil were attached at the hip. He could go see his brother alone. 

It was now late Thursday afternoon and they were getting ready at the Lesters’ apartment to head out. Dan had gotten off work at two and gone straight over to Phil’s, bothering him to the best of his ability while the latter went through files until he eventually had to get ready.

“Say hi to Aaron for me,” spoke Phil into the hood of Dan’s sweatshirt as they parted ways, hugging tightly. It had been a relatively rainy day, a breath of fresh air compared to the usual intense heat of July. 

Dan squeezed Phil’s middle a bit tighter. “Okay.” He pulled away. “See you tonight?”

“Yeah, I’ll walk you home.”

With one last kiss he was off, following Martyn down the many stairs of their building and out to the van where Cornelia, Veda, and Mika were waiting. 

Dan didn’t let himself show it, but he was more than relieved when he climbed in the back of the van to find no sign of Pj. He didn’t mind the latter’s weird glares if he had his boyfriend’s side to shrink into, but Phil wasn’t there, and he was pretty sure Mika wouldn't be too happy if he started latching onto Veda like that.

Lack of Pj aside, the ride was fairly standard. The road became increasingly bumpy the nearer they got to the gate, the air growing more stale. Dan could sense something else in the air, too, something unfamiliar.

It was like when he’d smelled smoke on Phil’s clothes and been unable to identify the sharp smell until much later, only this wasn’t a scent, it was a feeling. Whatever it was, it made Dan feel uneasy; he felt as if something bad might happen. 

Something was off. 

He pushed it aside though, dismissing it as merely his body’s reaction to being so close to the gate without Phil. He’d never gone without the latter before, so he understood why his anxiety would be a bit higher now. He’d be fine, though. 

Before long they were all climbing out of the van, everyone save for Cornelia heading out towards the gate. Dan could see his brother leant against the inside wall, his long arms crossed over his chest and an almost anxious look on his face. Maybe he felt the uneasy feeling today, too. Maybe it wasn’t just in Dan’s head. 

Seperating from the group a bit, he made his way towards Aaron with a smile. 

Aaron greeted him with a tight hug as per usual before pulling back abruptly and speaking just loud enough for Dan to hear. “We need to talk. Now.” His voice sounded an equal mix of weary and nervous, and that mixed with the swirling grey clouds of above made Dan’s stomach flip, and not in a good way.

Dan squeezed his brother’s arm, eyes wide and curious. “What’s wrong?” 

He couldn’t seem to keep his mind from wandering to dark places, running over every negative possibility a mile a minute as if that would help his already uneasy mind. What if Aaron told him they’d have to stop seeing each other, that it was too dangerous or he simply didn’t want to anymore? What if he’d done something stupid outside the city and had gotten himself in big trouble with whoever was in charge over there? 

Before he could let himself go too far, Aaron began pulling him by the wrist further down the wall, far away from the quietly interacting Reds, Blues, and Yellows by the gate. “Aaron,” spoke Dan, growing desperate. If something was wrong then he wanted to know as soon as possible so he could try to fix it just as fast. Not that he possessed much power, but he knew the Lesters were pretty high up when it came to life outside the city. They could surely do something if Aaron was in trouble. 

Stopping to pace back and forth in the tall grass, Aaron finally spoke: “Do you remember Genie, my girlfriend who went on that exploration trip a few months back?” 

Dan nodded. “You never told me her name, but yeah, I remember. Why, what’s wrong?”

Aaron put a stop to his quick pacing, raising a hand to rub at the back of his neck. He wouldn’t make eye contact with Dan anymore, eyes glued to the damp ground instead. 

“We, um, we got a call on one of the radios a few hours ago and–“

“Was it her?”

He shook his head, finally looking up. “No, no, it was Marshall, one of the guys she left with. They told me the connection was bad but he said something about getting back.”

Dan’s eyes widened a bit. “Getting back to you guys?” 

“We don’t know yet. Everything he said was super crackly and the connection completely cut off after that.”

Aaron went back to surveying the dirt below their feet as if it was the most interesting thing in the universe. Dan understood what this meant though. It meant that Aaron’s girlfriend, Genie, could be alive and on her way back to him. But it also meant there was a chance he was merely getting his hopes up for nothing. Dan knew what that was like; wanting to ignore the hope to protect yourself from the high probability of crushing disappointment. 

“I get how you feel right now,” he offered into their silence. The wind was beginning to pick up and Dan could tell it was going to rain again soon. His hoodie was warm, but not waterproof. He probably wouldn’t have more than another half hour with his brother before they each needed to seek shelter elsewhere. 

Still not looking up, Aaron shrugged his shoulders. Dan knew though that what was going on inside his brother’s head was much more than just a nonchalant shrug. He’d been through that, it was tough. 

“It’s dangerous out there, how am I supposed to know she’s even still alive?” Asked Aaron.

“You’re not, and you won’t know until she hopefully gets back to you.” Dan leaned against the wall, folding his arms over his chest. “But Aaron, you have to have hope, at least a little bit. If I had let myself completely reject the possibility that you were alive then I never would’ve looked into it and we wouldn’t be standing here today. So just let a little bit of yourself believe she’s coming back, okay?”

Aaron looked hesitant to agree but nodded nevertheless. That’s all Dan was asking for. 

“So, um–“ Aaron cleared his throat, clearly wanting to change the subject. “Anything new and exciting with you?”

Dan nodded, suddenly remembering what he’d been so eager to tell his little brother when he’d first arrived at the gate. “Yes, actually! Cate and I made up after our weird fight thing. I don’t know, I feel really good about it now. Feels good to be able to go into work without being scared of her giving me dirty looks.”

Aaron actually laughed, a delightful contrast to the worried energy of before. “Love how easily you can go from being the most inspirational person one minute to a babbling mess the next.”

“I’m not babbling!” Scoffed Dan. 

“Alright, whatever,” Aaron chuckled. “That’s good though, I’m glad you two made up. Cate seems really good for you, from what I’ve gathered.”

“She is,” Dan agreed. She really was good for him, and once again Dan was struck by the realization of how wonderful it felt to have people in his life who understood that. His mum never had, but at least he had people like his brother and Phil to back him up. The negativity was outnumbered for once. 

Dan continued on with giving Aaron the usual updates on their parents, his relationship, and the team, passing on the short message that Phil said hello. He ranted on about their mum’s persistent and relentless efforts to find him a girlfriend for probably longer than necessary, but he paid no mind to the time. 

“I get it,” said Aaron. “I mean, when I was a bit younger my parents would act super weird whenever I brought a girl over, too. Which wasn’t very good, seeing as my best friend at the time just so happened to be a girl,” he laughed. 

Dan joined in as well. “I’d feel sorry for you, except I didn’t have any friends as a teenager, so suck it.”

What began as a crinkly-eyed and genuine laugh from Aaron quickly morphed into something more quiet, more distant until it was nothing at all. He was no longer looking at Dan but at the expense of field behind the latter, arms wrapping around his middle. 

Dan craned his neck to follow Aaron’s gaze with his own, searching the long grass for whatever it was that had caught his little brother off guard by so much. There was nothing though, but slowly that uneasy feeling from before creeped back under his skin, causing a shiver to crawl up his spine. 

“What is it?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed. “I can’t see anything.”

Aaron shifted his gaze to Dan, forehead creased with just as much confusion as that of the aforementioned. “I know.” He looked back to the field. “I just . . . feel weird all of the sudden, like something isn’t right.”

“Me too, actually,” spoke Dan. “I felt like that during the van ride over here, too.” 

Well that had to mean something, didn’t it? It couldn’t just be a coincidence that he and Aaron both felt the same feeling of fearful anticipation at the same time, could it? 

However knowing he wasn’t the only one to feel this way today only made Dan feel worse, and that irrational anxiety from before was now heightened tenfold.

“What do you think it means?” He asked, his voice involuntarily much quieter than before. He wasn’t about to admit it aloud when there was no solid evidence to validate it, but he was beginning to grow a bit scared of whatever this feeling meant. 

Aaron only shrugged, rubbing at his partially exposed yellow tattoo, the hair there being raised. “Dunno, maybe we’re both just so–“

Though Aaron couldn’t finish his sentence before something else caught their attention. 

“Hey!” Bellowed a man who’d suddenly emerged from the tall grass a couple dozen yards away, his bulky, green uniform appearing almost grey in the miserable atmosphere. 

Dan recognized that uniform immediately, fear spiking in his chest. A government guard, and an armed one at that.

Frantically, he grabbed at Aaron’s jacket sleeve, hoarsely screaming Martyn’s name to alert the others before bolting in the direction of the gate. Aaron followed quickly after him, their footsteps pounding against the dirt ground fast and loud. Dan didn’t have to look back to know the guard was chasing them, and given the fact that he was trained to do things like this, Dan wouldn’t be surprised if he was faster than them too. 

Maybe it was the lack of exercise he performed on a regular basis, or perhaps it was just the fear, but Dan’s lungs were on fire and he could feel his heart beating in his throat as he bolted through the grass with his brother at his side. 

Dan didn’t know where to look, what to focus on besides running. In front of him he could see a blur of Yellows hurrying to make it across the gate and his teammates quickly retreating to the van. Beside him, a few feet before him, was Aaron, his eyes wide and scared just like Dan knew his own were. And as he chanced a look behind them both at the one chasing them, Dan saw the guard pulling something from his belt holster in a mad dash, something that looked rather like a gun. 

As he continued running he desperately hoped they wouldn’t get shot, or harmed in any way before they could make it back to safety. Why had they chosen a place to stand so far away from the gate? And how did their short walk to that spot suddenly feel like an hour’s run back? 

Dan was pulled from his thoughts though when he heard something fly speedily past his head. He didn’t have time to question it before another object followed suit, this one getting so close to Dan’s head that he could feel wind against the side of his face. A bullet. The guard was shooting at them. 

He made the mistake of looking back, his eyes wide with terror as he saw how close the guard really was. No more than five yards. Aaron was yanking at his wrist then, pulling him forward before letting go. 

Luckily they didn’t have much farther to go, but the guard was catching up fast. Dan could barely breathe by the time they neared the pretty much deserted city-facing gate, his team packed in the van and waiting for him to hop in the back so they could get out of there, and preferably alive. 

There was no way Dan would be able to get there without being shot at or tackled to the ground though, not with the guard catching up to them so quickly. 

Just as they made it a few yards from the gate, Dan devised a plan for himself. It was messy, and not at all thought out for more than a few seconds, but it was all he had right now and it would have to work. He just hoped to whatever entity was up there that the gate’s technologies he’d been told of were legitimate enough for this to work. 

Dan slowed down the slightest bit, watching Aaron fly forward to the other side of the gate unharmed. His brother didn’t stop running until he was huddled with the rest of the Yellows on the other side, watching Dan with wide eyes as he tried to catch his breath. 

Dan kept going though, continuing to slow and getting so close to the gate that it was nearing on dangerous. He could feel the guard extremely close behind him, so close that the latter had given up on using his gun. At the very last moment before crossing the gate, Dan swerved to the side, but not far enough to shield his body from the blood splattered in a two metre radius as machine guns built into the wall shot violently at the guard, killing him within seconds. 

Suddenly Dan’s legs didn’t work anymore as he stood frozen in place, watching the guard’s battered body fall limp to the ground, his blood soaking into the already damp ground. 

His blood. It was also all over Dan; in his hair, on his face, his hoodie, his pants, everywhere. And then oh gods– Dan had technically just killed someone. Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods. He couldn’t stop staring at the guard’s discarded body before him, completely oblivious to the yelling voices surrounding him from all angles. 

Then there were hands wrapping around his bicep, pulling him with great force towards what he assumed was the van. They were saying something too, something that Dan guessed would probably be soothing if his ears weren’t ringing too terribly to hear it. 

It was as if everything had gone from hyper speed to slow motion, and Dan couldn’t do anything to control it. 

And then it all came back, reality slapping him painfully in the face. It was Cornelia who was yanking at his arm, attempting to sound calm while she spoke, though her voice betrayed her completely. 

“Corn?” He spoke, his voice frantic and searching for an explanation of what the fuck he was supposed to do next. He’d just killed a government guard. He did that. 

Cornelia’s blue eyes were wild, nodding as she helped him into the back of the van and settled there beside him. She had blood on her clothes too, Dan noted. 

“We’re going home, Dan.” She slapped Veda on the shoulder, sending her up to the front to drive in her place before turning her attention back to Dan. “Were you shot?” She asked, voice still far from calm. 

It took him a moment, but Dan shook his head. “Just . . . blood.” He offered. “It’s not my blood.” 

“I know, I know. Let’s go home though, yeah?”

Dan nodded as the van began down the bumpy road to Rougensdale once more, his head still a bit frozen and a bit shocked at what he’d just witnessed. And the blood. Gods, why did there have to be so much blood? 

There was one thing though that Dan could suddenly take thanks in, and that was that he no longer felt the uneasy feeling in his chest. Now it was gone, replaced with an unsettlingly calm air. 

—

As the ride came to an end, Dan began properly freaking out a bit more. He leg was bouncing against the metal floor of the van and the feeling of foreign blood drying on his skin was making him want to shed it as if he were a snake. 

“Did Aaron make it out okay? He’s fine?” He questioned, looking desperately to Cornelia for answers. 

She nodded, settling a hand over Dan’s knee to stop it from bouncing so rapidly. “Aaron is safe, he’s probably at home right now.”

“Probably?”

“Dan. You saw him with the other Yellows. Your brother is safe now, I promise.”

He swallowed whatever words of protest were trying to crawl their way up his throat, nodding once instead. “‘Kay.”

Phil was standing outside the apartment building when they pulled up, Cornelia helping Dan out of the van though it was pretty unnecessary by that point. He was fine physically now, he just wasn’t completely all there mentally. He’d be fine though. 

“What happened?” Asked Phil as Cornelia handed him off to the former. Dan watched as Phil surveyed him for wounds, frowning when he couldn’t seem to find a source for all the blood he was covered in. Cornelia was half covered in it now too. 

She cleared her throat, eyeing the surrounding streets. “Maybe we should take this inside the lobby, at least?”

“Corn.”

She sighed, running a hand through her curls. “Some guard chased him and Aaron to the gate. Aaron made it across safely and Dan swerved out of the way at the last second. The guard got shot at by the wall’s built-in guns and Dan’s currently wearing the aftermath of it.”

Phil’s eyes were wide, dancing between Cornelia and his boyfriend as Martyn made his way over to the three of them. “But he’s–“

“He’s physically fine, just get him inside quickly and wash him off,” said Martyn. 

Dan was being ushered inside and up the many stairs to the Lester brothers’ apartment then, not only his lungs but his legs burning once they reached the door. Once inside, Phil said something lowly to his brother before the latter nodded and lead Dan into the cold washroom. 

“Wait here,” Phil ordered before heading back out of the room. He returned a few short moments later with two sets of pyjamas which he promptly dumped on the floor next to the shower. Oh, the shower. That was a lovely concept right now. 

Moving to stand in front of him, Phil pushed the hair off Dan’s forehead, clearly inspecting the blood-soaked curls and surrounding skin. He looked sympathetic, pitiful. Dan didn’t care for that, he just wanted the blood off of him and off of him now. 

“Gods, I’m so sorry,” Phil spoke softly. Dan thought he might cry in that moment but pushed it back nevertheless. He wasn’t entirely sure why, he just knew he couldn’t cry right now. If not for himself then for Phil. 

The aforementioned pulled the shower curtain back for a moment to turn on the hot water before facing Dan once more and fixing his hands at the hem of his soiled hoodie. “Is if okay if I undress you for a shower? You need to get the blood out of your hair.”

Dan hummed. He was pretty sure that undressing each other for the first time was supposed to be romantic or sexy or whatever, but this definitely wasn’t that. He didn’t care though, didn’t have it in himself to care about bullshit like that right now. 

His skin was itching for warm water by the time he was left only in his boxers, having zoned out for the rest of it. 

“Do you want these on or off?” Asked Phil, gesturing to his underwear. 

By this point, Dan was sure he had absolutely no trace of dignity left within himself whatsoever, so the underwear could get thrown out for all he cared. “Off’s fine.”

He was completely exposed now, but neither was making any deal out of it. They could have those moments later, right now Dan just wanted the blood off of his skin. 

“Are you coming in too?” Dan asked, tugging uselessly on Phil’s sleeve. 

Phil shrugged. “Do you want me to?”

“Yeah, I’ll probably fall over in there if you don’t.”

Chuckling, Phil nodded. “Okay.”

Dan waited patiently while Phil undressed, eyes staring at the floor and arms wrapped around his middle. He was slowly beginning to feel more real again, starting to accept whatever the fuck had just happened for what it was: really fucking terrible, but livable.

“These are really unfortunate circumstances to be seeing each other naked for the first time under,” he commented, perhaps trying to lighten the mood. He doubted Phil would just laugh and move on from the bad parts, but it was still worth a try. 

Phil nodded, grabbing Dan’s hand. “Yeah, but we can probably erase this first-time from our memories if we try hard enough.”

“True.”

The water was much warmer than Dan had expected, delightfully so. He hadn’t realized how cold he’d been before while he was standing in the bathroom naked, but it must’ve been cold. 

The second Dan was under the shower stream he could see the splatters of blood start to run down his his body in pink-ish beads and pool around his feet. It looked like Kood-Aid, he thought as his eyes remained glued at his feet. 

“Close your eyes tight,” advised Phil as he poured a considerable amount of shampoo into his palm. It most definitely wasn’t Dan’s usual berry scented shampoo, but it would do. 

He closed his eyes tightly as he’d been told to, feeling hands work shampoo gently through his soaked brown curls. It felt too good, made him lean forward into Phil’s touch and the corners of his lips tilt upwards.

Phil laughed quietly, guiding Dan’s head back underneath the stream to rinse out the shampoo before going through the same motions with conditioner. 

“You can open them now.”

He did. Phil’s eyes looked bluer in the shower, he thought. Less grey. They were pretty. 

“Your eyes are pretty,” he mumbled, unfortunately out loud. 

Phil just shook his head, eyes now more amused than anything. “Yours too, Danny Boy.”

Dan’s brows furrowed. “I’ll totally punch you in the dick if you call me that again.”

“Ooh, how sexy.”

“I know.”

They were both silent from then on as Phil lathered bodywash all over the rest of Dan’s body until there was absolutely no trace of red left on his skin besides that of his Red Dot. Now they were just using the hot water as an excuse to stay warm and away from the outside, steam clouding throughout the small room. Dan thought he could stay like this forever, or at least until the water ran cold. 

“I don’t wanna leave,” he whined, frowning.

Chuckling, Phil pulled him into his chest where it was even warmer. Dan could melt, he thought to himself. He really resented the idea that he was going to have to go home by himself tonight and fall asleep alone, though on the brightside it at least meant he’d be able to fully process what had happened today, his emotions completely unfiltered. It wasn’t that he couldn’t talk to Phil about it, be vulnerable around him, he just needed to let himself truly feel this one for all it was worth. He’d talk about it later. 

“You could just stay here, you know,” said Phil after a few quiet moments.

“In the shower?”

He laughed. “No, Dan. I mean stay in the apartment with me and Martyn for a while. I know he wouldn’t mind, and it might be best for you not to be alone all the time. You don’t have to say yes, but just think about it?”

Oh, well that was certainly a concept Dan had never explored before. As wonderful as it sounded, how was he supposed to get to work, or maintain the state of his own home, or exist in a predominantly Red community without raising any eyebrows? It did sound good though, and Dan actually had to stop himself from saying yes so quickly.

“But what about my house and my job?” He asked, sceptical. 

“You can hang out at your place whenever you want, and I’ll walk you to work.”

He would never actually make Phil do that, but he supposed it was only another fifteen minutes added to his usual walk, though he appreciated the offer. It wouldn’t be too bad. 

“I don’t know, I’d feel bad imposing like that.”

“You wouldn’t be imposing, I promise,” Phil insisted, squeezing his shoulders. “And if you’re worried about that then just help us pay for groceries or something. Then you’re contributing.”

Dan was really considering it at this point. It wouldn’t be bad at all, and helping to pay for their groceries would really be no different than paying for his own. 

“Okay, but what would I tell my mom and Cate when they try calling my house a billion times with no answer?”

“Ant infestation. You’re staying at my place until they’re gone.”

He had more of a ladybird infestation if they were being realistic, but that would do, he supposed. 

“Okay, but only if Martyn agrees, and only for a little while,” he said, eyes squeezing shut as he hugged Phil’s middle tighter. 

Phil pressed a kiss to his forehead, squeezing back. “Okay, deal?”

“Yeah, deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated and I hope you have a really great day <3


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you'll probably notice that this chapter is way shorter than my usual chapters (only 2k), and that's because my original plans for VA24 would be wayyyy too much for one chapter and what will now be VA25 all needs to be together so splitting it down the middle just wasn't going to work. so i guess enjoy two kinda-chill chapters coming your way ?
> 
> anyways, i hope you enjoy :)

“Your boyfriend’s waiting outside for you,” Cate told Dan from her position wiping the main counters. 

Dan glanced through the large windows separating Cate’s Coffee Shop from the outside world, indeed catching sight of Phil leant against one of the lampposts just outside the shop. He waved quickly, receiving a warm smile through the glass before returning to his work sweeping the linoleum floors.

“He can wait five more minutes,” he replied. Cate chuckled to herself in response. 

“So you’re at that stage in the relationship?”

Dan didn’t look up from his dust pile. “What stage?”

“The practically-already-married stage. Two months ago you would’ve thrown that broom on the floor and ran outside to make sure he didn’t leave before you were done here.”

“I wouldn’t have done that,” he scoffed, glaring at his dust pile as if it were the one making fun of his former self. “And what’s that even supposed to mean?”

Cate was silent for so long after that that Dan actually had to look up and make sure she wasn’t having a heart attack or something. Unsurprisingly though, she was merely concentrating all of her energy on trying to scrape something off the bottom of the counter. Probably gum. 

When she finished, she looked up, meeting his eyes. “Just means you’re past the point of trying to impress each other. You’re comfortable.”

She certainly wasn’t wrong. Dan really did feel comfortable with Phil, maybe even more so than he did with his mum or Cate. Even around the latter he usually felt like he needed to live up to a certain standard; be okay, be strong, be someone to make everyone else proud. It made sense though. His mum was his mum, and Cate was his boss. Of course they had expectations. But with Phil it wasn’t like that. Phil was just Phil. Dan could exist around him without feeling pressured to be someone else.

“You’re thinking about now, arent you?” 

Dan hadn’t even noticed he’d stopped sweeping, too zoned out to even manage the easy back and forth motions. 

“No I’m not.”

“Alright, Howell. Whatever you say,” Cate scoffed. “But you might wanna hurry up. Loverboy’s gonna get cold out there.”

Finishing up as quickly as possible without doing a lousy job, Dan put the broom away and threw out his beloved dust pile before heading into the back and sliding on his sweater, making his way out to meet Phil while Cate closed up shop. 

She’d been right; it was cold. The weather hadn’t changed much from yesterday, though it didn’t look like it was going to rain as much anymore. Just grey clouds and chilly air, though he certainly wasn’t upset about it. He planned to bask in the sudden coolness for as long as Mother Nature allowed before the too-hot sun showed up to make him feel like a dying slug again.

“Ready to pick up your stuff?” Asked Phil in greeting, wrapping Dan up in a hug that he was pretty sure was much tighter than any other embrace they’d shared recently. He was probably still worried after Dan’s gruesomely-ending encounter with the guard the day before, the same encounter that Dan was trying and mostly succeeding at suppressing until he had the chance to fully process it by himself. 

He was pretty sure that if he let himself break down when Phil was around, and especially with how tightly he was currently squeezing his shoulders, that the latter might just buy a tarp-sized roll of bubble wrap to preserve Dan in until they made it across the gate a year down the road. For the sake of Phil’s sanity as well as his own, he thought he might just get the worst of it over on his own with a (hopefully) bubble wrap free outcome. 

Dan hummed in response to Phil’s question, unlatching himself from his grasp only to hold his hand just as tightly while they began their walk back to Dan’s home, arms swinging playfully between them. 

“How was work?” Phil asked, voice wary and his simple question seeming somewhat rehearsed. He was definitely worried, Dan knew that and he couldn’t blame him for it. He’d be worried too if their roles had been reversed and Phil had been the one to come home yesterday covered in blood that wasn’t his own. 

Hell, he was worried about himself as it was. 

“Decent,” he replied.

Surprisingly decent, really. It was rather concerning in some respects how he'd been able to nearly completely compartmentalize yesterday’s trauma after his initial breakdown. He’d told himself enough times before and during that shower that he’d be fine once the blood was gone, and even though he knew for fact that wasn’t really true, it was still what had helped him get through the following twenty-four hours so smoothly. He’d just tucked it away for now. 

Phil squeezed his hand even tighter. “That’s good.” He paused, grey eyes glued to the still-paved ground below their feet. “Do you, uh, want to talk about yesterday at all? When you’re ready, I mean.”

“Sure,” Dan shrugged. “Just not today.”

Phil just nodded, an easy smile returning to his lips. “Okay, take all the time you need. Just know I’m here if you need to talk. Whenever.”

Dan smiled too. He knew. “Okay.”

For whatever reason, returning to Dan’s own home after such a taxing night felt almost surreal, like if he just changed out of Phil’s clothes and crawled into his bed he could pretend it was May again and everything was normal. Whatever ‘normal’ was, that is. 

But he didn’t want to do that, not really. Sure, this reality was harder, but it was still so much better than the meaningless existence he’s been living before. Things like his team, and his brother, and Phil. Those gave him a purpose he couldn’t ignore. 

“Do you want me to come in with you?” Phil leaned against the brick exterior of Dan’s home, crossing his arms over his chest while Dan fumbled around his pockets for his keys. 

He wanted to say yes, to walk in and gather his things while Phil made silly comments about his ladybird problem behind him. But that sort of defeated the purpose of what Dan needed to do. 

He shook his head, greeted with a loud screech from the hinges as he pushed open the door. “No, I’ll be quick, I promise.”

Phil nodded, his smile warm. “‘Kay. I’m gonna go wait on your back porch then.”

“I’ll meet you there in ten.”

He watched as his boyfriend disappeared beyond the side wall of his house, making his way inside once he was completely out of sight. 

Dan quickly checked the kitchen and living room for anything he’d need over the next week or so, finding his book in the lounge and carrying it into his room. He made incredibly quick work of shoving all his most frequently worn clothes in a duffle bag he found in his closet. He put his book in there as well, along with his scratched up MP3 Player and fruit-scented shampoo and body wash. He liked smelling like strawberries far too much to give up for even a week. 

When all packing was done, and in record time, Dan sat down on the edge of his bed. He’d said ten minutes. It’d been maybe five, and he knew Phil wouldn’t question it if he look a while longer. 

So finally, for the first time since yesterday afternoon, Dan thought about his encounter with the guard the day before. For a little while he couldn’t feel anything, was completely numb to whatever it was he’d been holding back. 

Dan scoured his brain for anything; a thought, a memory, an image that would make him feel that colossal wave of emotion he’d been waiting for. He wanted to cry, to get it out of his system the same way an ill person would want to throw up so they could get the worst of it over with and go back to slowly chewing on plain toast. 

But nothing came. 

“You killed someone,” he reminded himself, breaking the cold silence in his bedroom. “Yesterday someone chased you and your baby brother with a gun, and in order to save yourself, the guard was shot up right in front of you.”

He conjured up the image: the guard’s stunned expression, dark blood seeping through the material of his putrid green getup. The way his body fell limp to the dirt ground, that spark of life behind his eyes having disappeared. 

And riding home in the back of the van. The blood on his clothes, how it transferred to Cornelia’s too when she brought him back to reality. It clung to his skin, his hair. 

It was then, remembering the numbness after it had all taken place, that he felt tears sting in his eyes. He let them fall. 

Maybe it wasn’t so much the actual trauma of seeing it all unfold, but the fact that everything was so fucked up beyond repair now, so drastically different from the way things had been before. He wouldn’t change it though, wouldn’t go back to his limited social life and one friend. As much as it fucking sucked to feel so spent and overwhelmed then, he couldn’t even compare it to the emptiness of before. The pain, the loss, the crying on his bed at three in the afternoon; it was so worth the happiness. 

So when the tears ran dry, and the anguish had completely worn off, Dan stood up from his bed. He made sure he had everything in his duffle bag before carrying it into the bathroom, setting it down on the cold floor while he splashed his face with cold water in hopes of reducing the redness. He didn’t mind crying in front of Phil, that was no big deal. He just didn’t feel like explaining his puffy eyes or runny nose when he went outside to meet him. 

When he thought he looked normal enough, his eyes still a bit red, he made his way outside, making sure to lock the sliding glass door as he went. Phil was sitting on the porch, just like he’d said he would be. 

He stood up, taking the bag off of Dan with little protest from the latter. “You ready?” 

Dan nodded, offering a smile. They began their trek back to Phil’s apartment, the only sound being the cicadas singing in the surrounding grass. They were at Rougensdale’s edge when Dan spoke next. 

“I need to call my mom and Cate to tell them about my ant infestation when we get home.”

He didn’t even realize he’d just referred to it as ‘home’, instead of ‘Phil’s home’. 

“Sure, the phone in Martyn’s room has the best reception,” replied Phil. 

Dan snorted. “Do you call me from that one?” Phil nodded. “Sure is a good thing we don’t talk dirty over the phone then, that would be awkward.”

Laughing, Phil bumped his shoulder against Dan’s. “Shut up, rat.” 

The silence returned, and Dan thought about what exactly he’d say when he called his mum. He wanted to get his story figured out so that when he called Cate it would be no different. There was something else he wanted to tell her as well. 

“I think I’m gonna tell my mum about you,” he decided. 

“Doesn’t she already know about me? We talked on the phone once, remember?” Phil asked, eyebrows furrowed. 

“Yeah, she knows about you.” Dan found Phil’s hand with his own, intertwining their fingers. “She doesn’t know who you really are to me, though.”

“Oh.” Dan could see Phil’s smile in his peripheral vision, his own lips lifting as well in response. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed !! maybe reblog from my tumblr (@ordanary) ?? as always, thanks for reading and have a lovely day :)


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh so it turns out I’m very depresssd right now, so that’s fun. Also I didn’t edit this, so feel free to point out any errors !! Hope you enjoy !!

Flash forward two weeks, and Dan couldn’t believe he’d ever been so hesitant to have moved in with the Lester brothers that night. At first, it had been a bit awkward, as had been expected living in a new environment with people he was only used to seeing occasionally. But after the initial few days of getting settled, everything was fine. 

He’d grown to feel just as comfortable in the apartment as he did in his own home, and the odd bit of homesickness wasn’t at all hard to treat when their homes were so close in proximity. Dan spent at least one afternoon reading in his own lounge every week, only returning to the apartment when the sun started to show signs of disappearing for the day. 

He was still living mostly out of his duffle bag, but he really didn’t mind. He washed his clothes in the ground level of the apartment building with Phil every week, did the washing up whenever he could, and offered to pitch in with any other chores at every possible opportunity. He insisted on paying half of their grocery expenses, which made him feel a lot better about eating their food and using their hot water. 

Dan liked being part of a system. He wondered if this was what he’d missed out on when he’d skipped going to university, what with the dorms and such. Having roommates wasn’t bad at all. He quite liked it, really. 

Most days he went straight from the coffee shop to Phil’s apartment after work. He’d actually had to meet Dan at the cafe and walk him home the first week as the aforementioned had been completely unfamiliar with pretty much all roads except for his own before then. 

He was doing fine in that department now though, so his handsome on-foot chauffeur was no longer necessary. He kind of missed their long walks home together, but being able to collapse on the sofa with Phil immediately once he got home was just as rewarding. 

Living with his boyfriend, however temporary, definitely had its perks; unlimited cuddling time and a new routine to be exact. It felt very domestic, the way they did even the most mundane of things together now. Dan liked that. There were a lot of things that he liked about this new living arrangement, but this was definitely at the top of the list. 

He also loved their newly introduced lazy saturday mornings; waking up to kisses and coffee and ancient episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer playing quietly so not to wake Martyn. 

The quiet conversation they shared was his favourite thing, though. 

“Do you ever feel like time passes weirdly fast?” asked Phil, his soft voice drowning out the even softer sound of Buffy beating up some mythical creature in the background. 

Dan lifted his mug to his lips, drinking the last dregs of coffee before humming. “How so?”

“Like, and this will sound stupid, but-”

“No it won’t, I promise.”

“‘Kay,” Phil laughed, the pale skin around his eyes crinkling for a second before he turned mostly serious again. “You’re not allowed to make fun of me for this, by the way.”

Dan nodded solemnly. “Got it, no laughing.”

Phil’s eyes were suspicious for a moment, assessing whether Dan was fibbing or not before he continued. “I . . . I feel like sometimes everything just happens so fast when I’m not with you, like time just disappears until you show up.”

“Oh.” Phil looked to Dan for answers, or reassurance, or something. “Maybe I have special time powers?”

He laughed. “Oh, totally. Why hadn’t I ever thought of that?”

“See? This is why you need me around. Insight.” 

They were silent for a while, Dan thinking about what to say next and Phil probably thinking something similar. He had to say something, he couldn’t just leave Phil hanging like that. 

“It’s like that for me a lot of the time, too,” he finally said. “Like, I do all these things everyday, like going to work and talking to my mum, and I enjoy that, I do. But it’s not the same as being with you, y’know?”

“I get that,” replied Phil. “You’re my person, I guess.”

“You’re mine, too.” Dan tilted his head up, pressing a kiss to Phil’s cheek. His unshaven stubble pricked Dan’s lips, making him pull away with a frown. “My person should shave.”

“Or what?”

“Probably death.”

“Does your person have to do it now?”

“Nope, but I need to call my mum about meeting with her today, so now would be a good opportunity.”

Phil narrowed his eyes. “You’re just jealous that I can grow facial hair and you can’t.”

“I will physically fight you, mister.”

A frown. “. . . Fine.”

Not a minute later and Phil disappeared into the washroom, Dan heading out into the lounge to phone his mum. The phone out there wasn’t the best one out of the two landlines in the apartment, but the other one was in Martyn’s room, and he was sleeping. This one would do just fine.

The phone call was short, straight to the point like Dan had hoped. He explained to his mum that they needed to meet, preferably soon, and that he needed to tell her something important. She’d asked where, and he’d said at Cate’s Coffee Shop. 

“Really? There?”

Dan had scowled, though his mother couldn’t see. “Relax, mum. It’s not like she’s gonna try and make conversation with you. Just be nice for five minutes while we order and then we can go sit down.”

He heard her release one of those oh-so-famous sighs. “Fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course, Dan. See you at four?”

“See you then.”

Dan found himself waiting nervously outside the coffee shop later that same day, back leant against a lamppost and boot-clad toes tapping anxiously on the paved ground below his feet. His mum would be there any minute, and Dan thought that if he went over the little speech he’d planned in his head one more time then it might explode. 

He was so impossibly nervous. Was this even a good idea? Should he just keep Phil a secret between them and Cate? His mum didn’t really need to know, did she? Probably not, but then again, brushing over Phil in every conversation like he was merely a friend was killing him. He wanted his mum to know what he meant to him; that Phil was a part of his life now. 

He wanted things to be easier, but he knew that wouldn’t be the reality at first. Dan knew to expect confusion, or denial, or maybe even rejection. After all, not only was he admitting to dating a bloke, but a Red one. One of those variables was a lot to take in for someone as prestigious as Harriet Howell, but both? Dan knew not to expect a great reaction. 

That’s why Cate and Jenni would be in the coffee shop with him just in case. He knew his mother wasn’t the type to get loud in a place so public, but if need be, then one of his coworkers would be there to bail him out and save him from whatever was in store. 

Dan’s breath caught in his throat when he saw his mother round the corner and approach him with not a hint of the anxiety he was wearing like a ball and chain. 

“Good afternoon, Love,” she said in greeting, going in for a hug that Dan returned gratefully. He held on extra tight, not knowing whether he’d get the chance to hug her like this afterwards. 

“So what did you want to talk to me about?” she asked once they pulled away. 

Dan shifted nervously on his feet. He hadn’t mentioned the reason he wanted to talk to her when they’d spoken on the phone earlier that morning, only saying that they had to discuss something and it had to happen as soon as possible. He knew from past experience that letting the anxiety of an upcoming encounter pool in his stomach wasn’t the best of ideas, especially not for someone like him, who had a past of letting his worries eat him alive from the inside, out. 

“Let's talk about it in the café, okay?”

She looked skeptical, maybe even worried. “Alrighty.” 

He pushed the door to Cate’s Coffee Shop open, letting the familiar scent of unburnt coffee and artificial sweetener distract himself from the impending doom of their upcoming talk. Cate waved to him from the till she was standing at, offering a polite smile to his mum, which she returned. 

“Afternoon, Howell,” said Cate. She nodded to Harriet. “Mrs. Howell.” 

His mum smiled a tight smile. “Ms. Woodeshale.”

Dan ordered their drinks, exchanging looks with his boss while his mother tapped her foot impatiently on the linoleum floor. She didn't really hate Cate, Dan knew that. He figured she was just cross with her for knowing more about her son than she did, if she even knew that much. 

With one last forgiving glance from Cate, Dan led his mum over to a spot in the back corner of the shop, away from all the other chattering Blues in the shop. 

“So,” began his mum. “I know you wouldn’t be as nervous right now if you only wanted to meet me for casual coffee, so what’s bothering you, Love?”

The one goddamn time she was actually able to see right through him, and it had to be then?

He laughed, the sound far from genuine. “I just- I have something to tell you and I know you won't take it well.”

She raised her eyebrows. “And how do you know that?”

“You just won't.”

Harriet didn’t look anywhere near convinced, shaking her head. Dan took reassurance in it; if his mother had faith in her unconditional love for her son then he could at least share a bit of that faith. 

“So do we talk about other things first or just jump right into this shifty thing you want to tell me about?”

The chicken part of him wanted to stall for as long as possible, but the impulsive part of him wanted to get this stupid conversation over with right then and there. “Small talk first.” Needless to say, the chicken part of him won. 

She laughed an amused laugh, her eyes sparkling. He loved that laugh. He was going to miss it in a year’s time. “Okay. Your father found yours and Aaron’s old snowsuits yesterday. They’re so small!”

At least that didn’t hurt so much to talk about anymore. It was still awkward knowing his mum didn’t know her youngest son was still alive and doing okay, but it was better than nothing. He hoped he’d be able to find a way to tell her before he had to leave the city. She, of all people, deserved to know. 

“How old do you think we were when we had those?” he asked, trying hard to calm his nerves. 

“You were probably nine or ten, so Aaron would’ve been six or seven then.”

“Gosh, sometimes I actually forget I was that young once.” 

“Me too. You two were cute, and you ate your veggies.”

“Hey!” he scoffed. “Like I don’t eat them now?”

She raised her eyebrows. “Well, do you?”

“Sometimes!” he crossed his arms in defence. “Even more since Phil and-” Oh. Fuck. 

“. . . Phil? He’s the friend you’re living with for now, right? I mentioned the name around Veda last I saw her and she said he’s a fine young gentleman.”

Lovely. 

Eyes shifting down to the coffee cup in his hands, Dan tightened his grip. So much for controlling the conversation. 

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about, mum.”

“Veda?” She sounded hopeful. Dan hated that, gods, he hated that. 

He shook his head, feeling more than the slightest bit defeated. 

She cocked her head to the side with furrowed brows. “Phil?”

Dan ran a hand through his curls, leaning into his arm like a makeshift hiding place. Fuck fuck fuck. “Yeah. He, um. I’m . . .” Fuck. “We’re dating?”

He winced, bracing himself for the blow. 

“Is that a question or are you sure?” asked his mum. Not a bad sign, but not exactly a good one either. 

Eyes still glued to his drink, he shook his head. “No, we’re dating. Phil is . . .” his voice grew quiet, “My boyfriend.”

Silence. 

Was silence a good thing or a bad thing? It wasn’t yelling or screaming, which he supposed was good, but it also wasn’t a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. Dan was seriously beginning to think he’d take either of those reactions over the deafening silence he was being gifted. 

It didn’t last very long, though. 

“Can I meet him?”

Red tattoo. “Um, no.”

She was quiet again for a few seconds. Of course he wanted her to meet him, but what the hell would she think if her son was dating not only a man, but a Red. Sure, it wouldn’t be a problem in the least bit for anyone else, but Harriet Howell wasn’t anyone else. She was a well established, propper, super-stupidly-biased Blue. She grew up as a Blue, bought her first house as a Blue, met her Blue husband, and had her Blue children– or child. She’d never even been to a Red community, Dan knew that. She’d been taught all her life that Reds were the bad guys. 

Dan wished her thoughts would change, but he didn’t expect that to happen anytime soon, and not under these circumstances. 

“I hate to insinuate this, but . . . are you making this up for attention, by any chance?”

Dan felt his eyes sting. “No!” He wasn’t going to cry. Not now, he couldn’t. But it was hard not to when he’d just spilled one of his biggest personal secrets to his mum and all she’d done was ask him if he was lying to her. 

She sighed, folding her hands on the table in front of her and leaning forward a bit. “Then why can’t I meet him, Love?”

Dan couldn’t look her in the eyes. He knew he couldn’t get out of this hole he’d dug himself into, that he’d have to tell her. He was prepared for the worst. 

“Mum,” he began, fingers tightening around the handle of his coffee mug. He lifted his eyes for just a moment, seeing the worried look in her own brown ones. “You can’t meet him because he’s a Red.”

—

Needless to say, Harriet hadn’t exactly taken that bit of information well. There had been that classic stunned look on her face that Dan hadn’t seen since he came home with a black eye in his first year of high school, and then the fake smile she’d produced to compensate for the look. This had of course been followed by some dumb excuse about needing to go make dinner for his father, and an uncomfortable parting hug that he could tell she just wasn’t all that into. 

Dan wasn’t upset when he left the café twenty minutes after his mum, just a little let down. He’d expected that reaction, he had. Of course, it didn’t make it hurt any less, but Dan knew his mum, and he knew she wouldn’t just stop loving him over something like that.

He wasn’t sure of most things in his life, but his and his mum’s relationship wasn’t the kind of thing that could be thrown away in an instant.

When he returned to the apartment, Phil asked how things went, patting the spot next to him on his mattress. He could hear Martyn singing some offkey tune in the shower down the hall. 

“Guess.”

Phil shrugged. Dan knew he knew. “Amazingly?”

“Guess again.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Dan sighed a heavy sigh, resting his head in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck and shoulder. “She got all weird about it. I told her, and she got weird. I think I was more prepared for yelling than that.”

“How do you mean she was being weird?” Asked Phil, finding Dan’s hand and squeezing. 

“She just gave me this stupid shocked look and made an excuse to leave. I know she just needs time to process or whatever, but I think I would’ve felt better if she’d just stood up and screamed at me.”

Phil pulled him in closer. “Yeah, but if she’d yelled at you then you’d be doing that upsetting silent thing right now, and as much as I respect that, I like talkative Dan.” 

Dan hummed. 

“And besides, you know she loves you. It’s me she’s upset about, remember? Not you. She just needs time to process. I’m sure in a day she’ll be calling and asking to meet up so you can talk some more. Just . . . Don’t worry, Dan. She loves you. She’ll get over it.”

She loved him, she’d get over it. 

Dan knew it too, and those words did make him feel better. It still stung a bit, but he’d be fine. 

“And,” Phil added, “if she doesn’t get over it then I’ll use my puppy-dog eyes.”

Laughing, Dan nudged Phil in the side. “Nice try, but I’m pretty sure those only work on me.”

“Have faith,” shrugged Phil. 

And Dan did have faith. He had faith all the way through Saturday, and then through Sunday and Monday and Tuesday. By early Thursday afternoon, he was beginning to lose those shreds of faith, though, and the hope that his mum might decide to call him or show up at his work was fading immensely. 

There had been no contact between the two of them since Saturday afternoon, and Dan was starting to doubt there would be any at all. He knew he’d dropped a big truth bomb on her, but didn’t he deserve to know that she didn’t hate him as much as his anxious little brain was telling him she did? Because logic was strong within him –he knew his mum loved him– but give it another day and that anxiety might win. 

On his walk home from work that afternoon there was a naive part of him that hoped he’d just run into her on the sidewalk, that she’d scoop him up in a warm hug and tell him to stop worrying about such trivial things. 

This was one of those rare adult times when Dan needed his mum, and it was coincidentally also one of those rare times when that wasn’t exactly an option. And besides, he was on his way to a neighbourhood inhabited nearly entirely by Reds, and Harriet Howell certainly wasn’t the type to be seen around there. 

So he swallowed his fantasy down until he reached the door to their apartment, entering to find Phil on the sofa, shoulders hunched over as he stared intensely down at a calendar spread over the surface of the coffee table before him. 

He looked up when Dan approached, offering a tight smile while the latter dropped to the sofa cushion next to him. 

“How was work?” 

“Fine. No sign of my mum, though.”

Phil leaned over, pressing a quick kiss to Dan's temple. “She’ll come around.”

Dan nodded. He knew that, it was just hard waiting. So instead of dwelling on it for any longer than necessary, he pointed to the calendar that Phil had been inspecting like a crime scene. 

“What’s the calendar for?” He asked, one eyebrow raised in curiosity. He’d definitely seen a few marked-up calendars floating around the apartment before, but this one seemed emptier and neater, only a few thin exes drawn over days that seemed random to Dan. It looked similar to the method Phil and Martyn used to track their fire days, but somehow different. More concrete, compared to the endless amounts of rescheduling and scrawled notes that usually inhabited the calendars that Dan was used to seeing. 

Phil shrugged, an action that seemed to contradict the appearance of his work before him. “Fire dates that Pj called in. Apparently, he and Martyn worked on them with some newer recruit. He’s actually coming over soon to run me through all this, I think.”

“I thought you guys didn’t like to trust newcomers with fire information?” 

Phil shrugged again. “Same here, but according to Peej and Martyn, this guy is smart. I think at this point, that kinda outweighs ‘trustworthy’ for them.”

“And for you?”

“Guess I’ll know when I meet him.”

As if on cue, a knock sounded at the door. It clearly wasn’t Martyn– he had a key. 

For a split second Dan actually thought that it might miraculously be his mum, that she might’ve somehow acquired his address and come to make amends with him. But then he remembered that she didn’t really have any way of finding out exactly where her son was staying at the moment, and Phil was expecting someone. The chances of it being his mum were slimmer than slim. 

So he tried not to look disappointed when Phil stood up and looked through the peephole in the door before opening it to reveal a smiling Red that certainly wasn’t his mum. 

“Are you . . . ?” Began Phil, clearly having forgotten this near-stranger’s name already. Dan inwardly chuckled. That was such a Phil thing. 

“Charles,” the Red finished, extending his hand for Phil to shake. “And I’m assuming you’re Phil.”

Phil offered a polite smile, then turned to gesture at Dan, who was still slouched over on the couch. 

“This is Dan,” he said, “my partner in crime.”

Dan waved to Charles. Charles waved back. Their awkward exchange gave Dan the feeling they wouldn’t be instant friends by any means. In fact, he couldn’t really see them becoming anything more than uneasy acquaintances anytime soon. There was something about Charles that put Dan off, made him feel a bit uneasy. 

It was the same strange feeling in his stomach and chest as when he’d last made the trip across the field to meet his brother; the same slight discomfort he’d experienced before the incident with the officer had gone down. 

In all honesty, though, it was probably just his bad week putting him off of anyone who wasn’t his boyfriend or his boss. Or his mum. Dan wanted his mum. 

“So should we get straight to business?” Phil asked Charles, gesturing to the calendar on the coffee table.

Charles looked skeptically between Phil and Dan, the way he looked at the latter like he was infectious making Dan want to say something nasty. 

Again, it was probably just his bad week. 

“Can we, uh, do this somewhere more private?” Charles asked, nodding to Dan. 

Okay, so Dan definitely wanted to cuss him out now. 

Phil frowned. “Dan’s part of the team. He can hear anything we discuss.”

The Blue in question folded his arms over his chest, giving their guest a look that said: “I’m not moving from this spot, you twat.” Maybe the message in his eyes was a bit harsh, but Dan really wasn’t in the mood to be alienated by some dude they’d known for a solid five minutes. 

“Look,” Charles urged. “You can tell your boyfriend anything you want after we’re done talking, but for now I’d be a lot more comfortable if I only discussed this with the person your brother sent me to do so with.”

Phil bit his lip, then looked to Dan. 

Dan knew what that look meant. It meant that what Phil said next was up to him. And as much as Dan didn’t like being left out of things, he knew that whatever secrets of arson this Red held, Phil deserved to know the full of it. 

So he forced a smile that wasn’t all fake. “Go ahead, I can disappear for a while.”

“I’m actually gonna take Charlie–“

“Charles,” the newcomer corrected him.

“Right, sorry.” Phil offered a tight smile. “We’re gonna go into Martyn’s room, Dan. You don’t have to go anywhere.”

Dan nodded casually. He was honestly quite relieved that Phil said that as he didn’t exactly know where he would’ve gone if he’d had to leave. He would’ve had to walk to his own home, he supposed. 

Without another word from Dan, Phil led Charles past the sofa and down the hallway before disappearing into his older brother’s room. That was where they liked to conduct business. 

Dan was left still slouching on the sofa, his spine beginning to grow uncomfortable. He sat up taller, doing nothing but straining his ears to hear whatever top secret info Charles and his boyfriend were exchanging. 

That lasted about five minutes before he finally accepted that his hearing just wasn’t the best anymore, and that their words were too muffled and distorted as they travelled through the closed door and down the hallway for him to make out. He contemplated what to do next for a few minutes, mind raking over every one of his past times in search of something he could distract himself with until Charles left. 

Truth be told, the only two things he could think of that didn’t involve Phil in one way or another were reading and listening to music. The only issue was, both items that enabled him to do those things were in Phil’s room, and that strange feeling in his chest was telling him not to get that close to Martyn’s bedroom door. 

He didn’t understand it, but he chose to obey it. Ignoring that feeling had only gotten him in trouble last time. He was still avoiding news websites in fear of seeing an article speculating the death of that government officer. 

So he sat in silence instead, twiddling his thumbs and periodically sighing in boredom. 

He was just starting to contemplate taking a walk throughout the apartment building when a quiet knock sounded on the front door. It was a soft sound compared to Charles’ knock. 

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed as he stood to his feet, slowly advancing towards the door. Phil hadn’t mentioned expecting anyone else, had he? At least not that Dan could remember. After another three knocks, these ones a bit louder, Dan pressed his eye to the peephole, and to his surprise, he saw . . . his mum? 

He opened the door without hesitation, looking at his mother as if she were an alien in his threshold. Everything about the image before him suggested that he was hallucinating. His mum’s posh attire and exposed blue arm made her stick out like a sore thumb against the backdrop the crumby apartment provided, and Dan couldn’t even begin to fathom how she’d managed to acquire his current address. 

Perhaps he was just dehydrated? Dreaming? Housing a brain tumour? Could he smell phantom smoke? 

“Are you going to invite me in or just let me stand here?” His mum, who might’ve been a hallucination, asked. 

He tried to reestablish any element of composure he might possess, stepping out of the way and mumbling a quick “sorry”. As she stepped inside, Dan frantically surveyed the lounge for anything that would allude to his team or the fires, but luckily the bulletin board of client information was still being kept in Martyn’s room after their latest police raid. 

“So this is where you’re living?” 

It took a second before Dan processed the question, nodding. “Yeah.”

Her eyes looked judgemental as they travelled over each chipping wall and creaky floorboard. Dan hated it, but he had more pressing matters on his mind to worry about. 

“How did you find me?” He asked, thankful when it came out sounding less accusatory and more curious. 

His mum shrugged, hands folded in front of her skirt as she wandered over to inspect the sofa before sitting down. He could tell she didn’t find it too comfortable, and joined her. “I made Veda tell me.”

Dan couldn’t decide whether he wanted to punch Veda now or kiss her. “Oh.”

Silence. 

“Is your . . . boyfriend around?” 

Dan despised the pause. “Yeah, but he’s talking with an old friend in his brother’s room right now,” he half lied. Charles didn’t seem like a friend, and he was really rather new. She didn’t need to know that though. 

She nodded, almost seeming relieved. “Okay. Listen, Dan, I can only stay for a little while before someone keys my car, but I need to talk to you before it’s too late.”

He shrunk into the sofa. “Too late for what?”

“For you to know I love you no matter what.”

“I know that.” He did, he just needed her to show it. “I love you too.”

She smiled softly, reaching her manicured hand over to gently clasp her son’s. “I don’t care that you’re dating a man. It’s new, but it doesn’t bother me as long as you’re being true to yourself.” She paused, eyes shifting down to her lap. “I need to apologize for the way I acted on Saturday. I can’t fully justify it, I don’t think, but I was just scared of what you being with a Red would mean. 

“But I’ve been talking to Veda a lot over the past few days, asking her more about Phil. She hasn’t said a single bad thing about him, and if he’s trusted by someone as lovely as her then he mustn’t be terrible.”

Dan stayed silent, knowing she wasn’t finished yet. He was right a few long moments later when she met his eyes once more, a smile present within her irises.

“I support you and your choices, and I just need you to know that right now, okay? You’re my baby, and that means I want to protect you from everything, but I trust you. And I’d like to meet him soon, if that’s okay with you.”

Dan grinned, nodding. “I’d love that.”

“Maybe you two can come over for dinner soon?” 

“Yeah, of course.”

She matched his grin. “Lovely!” She began to stand up, gathering her purse and smoothing her skirt. 

Dan didn’t want her to go, though, he wanted her to stay and talk with him. 

“You don’t have to go, mum. No one’s actually gonna key your car,” he chuckled. 

She laughed in return, shaking her head. “I know, but I actually have a meeting at the bank I need to get to. I can’t stay, as much as I’d like to catch up with you.”

He stood to his feet then, too. He could tell she was being genuine with him, and he appreciated that. They could catch up at dinner. “Okay,” he sighed. “I’ll call you later to make dinner plans, yeah?”

She didn’t respond verbally, just pulled him into a hug and squeezed him tightly. It was what he needed, his mum’s complete reassurance. He felt like an eight-year-old again; comforted by nothing but his mother’s embrace. 

“I love you,” he said quietly. 

She laughed softly, squeezing his shoulders tighter. “I love you too, sweetheart.”

After a few more exchanged words and another tight hug, Dan escorted his mother down the many sets of stairs and out to her car before saying another goodbye, this time with the promise of seeing her again soon. 

When he returned to the apartment, he caught Charles in the doorway right as he must’ve been leaving, smiling politely and squeezing past him to fall back on the sofa. By the time his stay there was up, he was going to have created a full-on sofa crease. 

Phil collapses down beside him, resting his arm over Dan’s shoulders. “Did I hear your mum’s voice?” He asked, making Dan smile. 

“Yeah,” he responded. “Veda ratted us out.”

Phil chuckled. “How’d it go?”

“Actually very good.” He paused, a devilish grin spreading over his cheeks. “You’re coming to dinner with me to meet her sometime soon, by the way.”

Phil glared, poking Dan in the ribs and making him squirm. “Wonderful. I bet she’ll love me.”

Dan could definitely sense the obvious sarcasm in his tone, but he himself didn’t have a single doubt that Phil’s statement was true. “She will, don’t worry.”

Phil pulled him in for a kiss, the latter to smiling into it. 

“And Charles? How did that go?”

Phil sighed before rolling his eyes. “He’s basically just on the side of our team that strongly believes that we should be taking fewer clients and starting fewer fires. I don’t mind that, I just don’t get why he thinks it’s so important. I don’t even think there’s another choice.”

If what Phil was saying was true, and Dan didn’t suspect otherwise, then he didn’t understand Charles’ urgency either. And he still had yet to completely shake the uneasy feeling that Charles made him experience. He hoped it would go away as Charles did– he really didn’t like either. 

“So less trouble and less clients coming soon?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“That’s okay, then.”

Phil raised an eyebrow, interested. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. That’ll mean more alone time with you.”

“That’s all I want at this point,” said Phil before pressing another short kiss to Dan’s chapped lips. “All I want.”

And Dan couldn’t help but believe him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on my tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated and I hope you all have a wonderful day <3

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: @ordanary (feedback and reblogs over there are super appreciated, too!)
> 
> Update Schedule: honestly whenever I post. Usually once a week.
> 
> I hope you have a lovely day !! <3


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